Sometimes W’s venting of frustrations sounds so crazy to me. I’m Just reflecting more.
She got really angry with me and hung up on me when we were on the phone discussing S’s needs earlier in the week and I mentioned a detail I had learned from a conversation I had with his health care provider the day before. It was not urgent or emergent but when I mentioned it, W had a big reaction and said that I’m not being a team player and that I’m withholding information from her. And then hung up.
In actuality, she is not being team. She has not been on my team or our family’s team for months and months (I didn’t say that to her, I’m just reflecting and telling you). There have been some instances now where she is making more of an effort to be team and where I have seen glimpses of the old W. But I have been the one consistently visiting S, connecting and collaborating with his health care team and keeping W in the loop. I have been the one there for our other kids and looking after our home.
Another thing I am working on is to stop brokering peace for W with our kids; stop protecting her from the consequences of her actions. I am examining this and asking my close friends to help me see my blind spots as well.
I want to determine my limitations.
And in regards to choosing to do or not do family things with W, I am going to view through a lens of wisdom vs foolishness and will be asking myself some questions:
Does this bring us/me/her closer to the Lord? Does this (saying yes or doing) help me to walk faithfully in the call the Lord has given me? Does this enable unhealthy habits? Am I brokering peace between W and the kids in any way? Is my service to W enabling her to continue to receive the benefits of family while she continues to live self-centeredly?
Hi Rockon you mentioned growth and learning was in the agenda for this week. I think learning the importance of living consciously would help anyone of us in this group grow. Most of us probably have been on auto pilot for sometime. That’s a good reason why our Ws got fed up and left us. If we change this and wake up we will increase our maturity, vision, and awareness. our minds will open to our environments/reality and guide our actions accordingly. We have a choice to seek awareness, seek truth, and focus our minds. Or just avoid it all. It also means that we need to act on what we see and know. We should know that our actions are in line with the divorce busting purpose. If we are searching for feedback from this forum, we should use it to adjust or correct our course of action‘s. Your threads are long with great advice from many veterans and newcomers that are consistent with with divorce Busting principles. we’re all gonna encounter difficulties and all get through this in time if we consistently work at it, but the key is to never never never never give up. It has been proven that if we do this work that we will be better people no matter what the outcome is. So start concentrating on your self and make yourself better. We need to let go of what we can’t control with the decisions our Ws made. We need to stop letting them bring us down with their negativities and their unhappiness. And focus on us. We need to stop denying and disowning our needs and do something practical to improve ourselves in the unsatisfactory relationship we’re in. If you do this, you’ll be a good model for your kids. Believe it or not doing everything for other people is not a good model for kids to see they need to see you doing stuff for yourself so then they will repeat that and do stuff for themselves. I pray for you And hope that you get through this healthier and happier
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Good therapy session today. Building on my progress and where to go from here and how to navigate.
Going to exercise as well. Making plans for looking after myself living the kinds of life I want and planning some family togetherness things without W.
Going out of town for a mini vacay with D and her friend this weekend..
Journaling, reflection and therapy (as well as exercise and especially nature walks) are helping me to process anger - pay attention, acknowledge/admit it honestly, attend to what it is telling me, grieving and bringing it to Gods in lament, then letting go of it and proceeding with my convictions out of my authentic core values. Thereby being angry and not sinning, being strong, humble not aggressive nor passive.
Cut off all contact with OM. W and I tell OM this clearly. All mementos and photos of their R destroyed. W engage with IC to understand why the A and prevent future recurrence. W and I talk about the A with support of MC for the purpose of our individual and shared healing. W shows that she will listen to me and care about my pain and the damage to our M and family. No secrets. W do what it takes to reassure me that A is over and she is faithful to me and our vows. Trust, honesty and accountability in our R measured by each spouse feeling cared for, loved, valued and respected by each other. We prioritize our R over our kids. We make sex a priority. We listen to and support each other’s hopes, goals, dreams. We learn what each of us wants in our new M and determine not to go back to how it was.
