We do have some wild thoughts as we wind our way through our path. It does take some time to sort it out. And I am happy to offer a perspective for you.
There are a few things at play in your situation. The most obvious being the current affair. The other main items: a sex-starved or perhaps sexless marriage, H’s prior known affair, and the family of origin issues that likely are inducing internal pressures upon H. And your own past regarding living with an abusive father has likely tinted how your see men and what you are willing to put up with.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
The sex for me was part of my 180. I had been so bitter with him before that I was withholding, cold, and angry pretty much all of the time.
Indeed that would have been an 180 in a sex-starved marriage. However, add in an affair and the dynamics change.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
Our sex life has never been better but he tells me he's just using me until he's ready to move on. … I don't respond to this and just focus on the fact that while he's saying such a vile thing, he's also kissing me. But it makes me feel insane.
Using you until he’s ready to move on. That’s what he says.
Of course you feel insane with such mixed messages and ongoing gaslighting.
This has being going on for the past month. Time for another 180 methinks. Stop the cake eating.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
It's definitely been on my list of things that actually WORK, that plus positivity, confidence, and not bringing up anything about the R or OW.
Defining “things that actually work” would come from your solution oriented goal setting journal and those small prior defined forward movements you’d be watching for. I’m certain speaking vile things yet still kissing you was not a goal. Don’t get drawn into his gaslighting and crazy-making.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
I'm very very hesitant to stop something that seems to help us become so much closer when he was previously very cold, that seems like the opposite of the DB principles.
I would like you to read something from Michele, right from the home page of this very website under Free Advice.
Affairs don’t just happen. They take planning, decisions making, effort, and intention.
Unhappy marriage don’t cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity.
The affair, even if only an emotional one, needs to cease. H has to choose to alter his path. To end it. And unfortunately that usually requires the affair running its course. How long of a course that is, or what direction it will take, I don’t know. I do know marriage can survive infidelity and even thrive better than before, when both parties roll up their sleeves and do the hard work.
Right now, the lion’s share of that hard work is upon your shoulders. H has a pretty big pile of work himself, which he is (at this moment) just putting off.
I do understand how this appears counter to what you perceive as you and H being closer. DB and the 180s and those principles are rather counterintuitive at first.
I see for your immediate path forward: Find detachment and stop walking on eggshells. Focus on you, and let go H. Live your life and stand. And realize standing is not being still. DB is you working on what you can control - you.
I really liked the fact you read Divorce Remedy in two days and took copious amounts of notes. That shows a lot of investment. I’d ask you to read it again. A second time. Especially after some of the interactions here with the posters. I think you will discover many more ideas and understandings. Which will likely prompt even more re-reads of certain parts.
Stay strong girl.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The guys have weighed in with some great advice, maybe it's time for a woman's perspective perhaps?
Originally Posted by Rejoice
But it is so, so hard to see him all the time. Additionally, he still sleeps in the bed with me every night and is very much interested in being intimate up to three times a day. Our sex life has never been better but he tells me he's just using me until he's ready to move on. Having read the book, believing nothing that he says and only half of what he does, I don't respond to this and just focus on the fact that while he's saying such a vile thing, he's also kissing me. But it makes me feel insane.
Ok, let's start right here. Why does it make you feel insane?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The guys have weighed in with some great advice, maybe it's time for a woman's perspective perhaps?
Originally Posted by Rejoice
But it is so, so hard to see him all the time. Additionally, he still sleeps in the bed with me every night and is very much interested in being intimate up to three times a day. Our sex life has never been better but he tells me he's just using me until he's ready to move on. Having read the book, believing nothing that he says and only half of what he does, I don't respond to this and just focus on the fact that while he's saying such a vile thing, he's also kissing me. But it makes me feel insane.
Ok, let's start right here. Why does it make you feel insane?
You can't use logic to figure out his motives and actions. One of the biggest issues in my marriage was sex. W had/has a low sex drive. However, the last couple of months before BD she was actually initiating sex more than usual. Who knows how their minds are working. Maybe it was guilt on her part. Don't know. One thing is for sure- he is currently not the man you have always known and you will not logic your way out of this. Trust me, I've tried. Sometimes I forget and still try. Doesn't work.
The guys have weighed in with some great advice, maybe it's time for a woman's perspective perhaps?
Originally Posted by Rejoice
But it is so, so hard to see him all the time. Additionally, he still sleeps in the bed with me every night and is very much interested in being intimate up to three times a day. Our sex life has never been better but he tells me he's just using me until he's ready to move on. Having read the book, believing nothing that he says and only half of what he does, I don't respond to this and just focus on the fact that while he's saying such a vile thing, he's also kissing me. But it makes me feel insane.
Ok, let's start right here. Why does it make you feel insane?
You can't use logic to figure out his motives and actions. One of the biggest issues in my marriage was sex. W had/has a low sex drive. However, the last couple of months before BD she was actually initiating sex more than usual. Who knows how their minds are working. Maybe it was guilt on her part. Don't know. One thing is for sure- he is currently not the man you have always known and you will not logic your way out of this. Trust me, I've tried. Sometimes I forget and still try. Doesn't work.
Mike, I'm sorry that was your experience.
My question for Rejoice still stands..
I want to know why the actions she described make her feel insane.
That's an important question for her to answer for me to try to help her here.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Sorry you’re here, but glad to see you are posting. This place has been invaluable for me.
I just caught up on your situation and one thing you said stood out.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
We talked after the first week post bomb drop and I, desperate to keep him, suggested that since neither of us have a viable plan for moving out or any of the logistics of taking care of the kids, we just verbally agree to be separated but stay in the same house.
I said basically this same thing fairly early on in my situation, which has lasted about 9 months. My W said that she felt trapped and controlled. In an attempt to give her space and make her feel less controlled, I accepted that she wanted a separation, that I couldn’t do anything about it and told her I do not control you and you are free to make your own decisions. My intention was not to give her a green light to cheat, but that’s how she viewed it and has justified her current affair by saying I told her it was okay. Multiple times she has said “Even my therapist said it was okay.”
I’m not sure the advice others would have about this, but I think if you verbally agreed to do your own thing, make sure you are crystal clear about what that means for both of you. Ultimately, I think my W would have done what she wanted regardless, but I hate feeling like my poor word choice and lack of explaining my feelings about it has led to her using that single sentence to justify her cheating to her friends, her counselor, probably some family at some point, and even our teenage daughter. It was a single 2 minute conversation that I had forgotten about until months later that she continues to cling to.
Thank you for your question. It makes me feel insane because it's a constant back and forth, he will be sweet and then awful. I feel like I have whiplash from it. I don't even know what to believe anymore.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
I spoke to him today, casually, about moving forward. I mentioned dating and things of the kind. He became noticeably jealous. We spent a long time together this afternoon after that, laughing and talking. It was a good time. i think he went to OW's apartment afterward for half an hour or so. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive this.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
You're supposed to survive this by putting the focus on yourself, figuring out your core values, who you are, what you really want in a relationship, SEPARATE FROM HIM AND HIS ACTIONS.
think you can do that?
It's important, so give it a try.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
