New to this!

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

Again welcome. And I’m sorry you have found yourself in this unwanted situation.

There are many kind and compassionate posters with much hard-earned wisdom. I see you’ve already met a couple of them.

Ask questions, vent, tell us about your day, post. We understand and are here to help.


A couple of housekeeping items for you. I’m glad you have read the Divorce Remedy book. This is your playbook, keep it to yourself. Do not share it with H. He will not appreciate its wisdom. For the moment, H is not on your team. He is on team H. Also ensure you clear your browser history and cache after being online here. Especially if using a family computer. You don’t want H or the kids reading along.

It is interesting to see the parallel of H and his brother. Family of origin issues usually cut deep and those wounds rip open later in life.

…it hurts much worse that he's emotionally involved with someone now, as weird as that is.

Not weird at all. The loss of emotional connection hurts.

Affairs are staggeringly common in these situations. The affair is not about you. It’s about the cheating spouse and their inner turmoil.

I get really lost in comparing myself to her, sometimes. She's beautiful and thinner than I, and of course she's such a great listener because she's a marriage and family therapist (yeah, how do you like that, a homewrecking MFT.) He's doing all the things he used to do with me, with her. Writing her beautiful letters, all of it.

The affair partner, in the case OW, is just a symptom. A band-aid for H. She means nothing. You are the wife. She covets what you have. Your power and position. And she can never have it, for her deceitful path does not lead there.

Affairs are built upon lies and deceit. That is a very poor foundation of which to build a relationship. This foundation is akin to sand, it is always crumbling and shifting away. As such, people involved in affairs expend incredible energies in maintaining this shifty sandy base.

There is no love from such deceit. H is just consumed in infatuation. He and likely OW are using each other to escape their pain. Their internal emotional pain. This inner torment of H is not of your doing. Regardless of what he says, nor how much he attempts to gaslight you. His path is about him!

I understand the feeling of needing to comparing oneself to the other person. Just look at her. Not appearance. I mean deeper. She is a marriage and family therapist involved in an affair which is actively working to break apart a family. Rejoice, do not ever place yourself less than her! Ever!

You are miles ahead of her. No need to ever belittle yourself. No need to compare to her. She is not in your league.

I'm very, very interested in giving DBing a shot and would love any extra tips on doing it successfully

You didn’t break H, so you cannot fix him.

We all start out thinking and looking for some magic words or something that will snap our spouse out of it. Wake them up to what they are doing, and what they are losing. DB is about us LBS (left behind spouse) stepping back and letting our spouse hopefully find their pain(s) and heal from them.

You have the gift of time in all this. Use it well.

When I have been able to go a few days applying a combination of the principles of 180 and LRT and GAL (side note, GAL feels very hollow right now, I'm sad all the time) he responds to me in markedly better ways, wants to tell me about his day, etc.

I want to know what more I can do.

Breathe.

Focus on you.

You’ve not mentioned focusing on you. You’re currently “doing” instead of “being”. Perfectly normal and understandable as you are just starting out. DB shifts your focus off of H and onto your life.

Give H time and space. Focus on you and the kids.

Yes, getting a life will feel rather hollow for a little while. Keep at it. Rekindle old hobbies, and try new ones. Go for walks, join a gym, learn a different language, go horseback riding, whatever. I’m sure you have lots of ideas and interests. Try them out and see what takes hold.

Let go H. The more firmly you hold on, the more he will struggle to be free.

We talked after the first week post bomb drop and I, desperate to keep him, suggested that since neither of us have a viable plan for moving out or any of the logistics of taking care of the kids, we just verbally agree to be separated but stay in the same house. We both love our home. I suggested that we work on becoming trusting friends and he is skeptical of that but somewhat in agreement. So that's our current status.

In house separation is a difficult path.

I’d stop the cake eating.

Becoming trusted friends, first requires that you are friends. H is not currently treating you like a friend. Or a loving wife/partner. Rejoice, just like the talk of OW, do not belittle yourself. You are worth better treatment. A mantra for you: We are not friends, my friends don’t treat me that way.

You need not tell him that. You show him.

Also:

I was quite concerned that since he and I are still sexually active, he may not be forthcoming about his activity with her and I may become subject to some disease.

Absolutely! Most valid! Do not let yourself get some STD.


You are the most important person in this situation. Everything here is for you. Healing and finding you. And it gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.

I look forward to talking with you again.

Have a great day.

D