Divorce immediately after marriage

[BL42]

TellMeSo,

Has anyone had experience were W said that she is feeling psychological pressure?

I received this remark at times when she was mad. I am reconsidering it for myself. Any good ideas how to analyze if I truly put pressure on people and should improve this aspect of my life, or this is only her valid feelings/justification of herself/other reasons?

Thank you.

Psychological pressure is a psychic sensation. In fact, it’s the product of two mental forces that are pulling in opposite directions.-The Four Types of Psychological Pressure(positive,negative,internal,exterior)

After doing a quick search on the term, I would think you can dig into it a little deeper and see if you can make improvements to your behavior.

Also interesting, when I was typing into the search box, one of the suggestions also had "and manipulation" appended on the end.

Yes, you should dig down and if there are issues you need to address certainly do so. However...also don't just blindly believe everything she says. WAS/WSs often blame the LBS for all their problems and can get nasty and accuse the LBS of things that aren't true (or greatly exaggerated) to justify their actions (affairs, divorce...etc.). So self reflect and improve, but also don't let her gaslight you.

After BD my ExW told me she needed to be alone to work on herself and heal because I had beaten her down for 5 years and she was at a "0" because of my mental abuse. She was probably right about the need to work on herself and heal, but not because of me, and also she had no plans to have time alone as this was while she was having an affair with OM1. It caused me to spin because it was so crazy to hear I actually wondered if it were true. But it wasn't. I've dug down and self-reflected and there are things I could've done better but I absolutely did not beat her down to a 0 and be mentally abusive. She also told people ridiculous lies like I don't allow the kids to eat pancakes. WAS/WSs love to place 100% of the blame on the LBS, and tell all their friends and family why they can to leave.

Sometimes I think of that scene from A Few Good Men where Tom Cruise is questioning the doctor on the stand and says: "And that's why it HAD to be, poison, right, Commander? 'Cause Lord knows, if you put a man with a serious coronary condition back on duty with a clean bill of health, and that man died from a heart related incident, you'd have a lot to answer for, wouldn't you, doctor?"

My point is...yes, self reflect and improve certainly, but also don't allow her to lie and gaslight you into thinking you abused her and did something you did not.

[DW17]

After BD my ExW told me she needed to be alone to work on herself and heal because I had beaten her down for 5 years and she was at a "0" because of my mental abuse.…..It caused me to spin because it was so crazy to hear I actually wondered if it were true. But it wasn't. I've dug down and self-reflected and there are things I could've done better but I absolutely did not beat her down to a 0 and be mentally abusive.

My W basically did the exact same thing. She justified her decision to separate from me due to years of mental and emotional abuse. I read up on it and found some faults of mine to work on, but it was nowhere near any definition I found of mental/emotional abuse.

As I worked on improving my happiness and giving her space, she shifted toward accusing me of “silent abuse.” W was basically upset because I did not engage in negative conversations or tell her exactly where I was going all of the time. She was upset at not being able to control things. Her accusations have continued to shift as she's trying to find reasons to be upset and absolve herself of any responsibility.

When I described my interactions here, several people mentioned that W was just gaslighting me. Once I realized that, I stopped overanalyzing every single accusation she made and stopped regretting every little thing I may have done wrong. TellMeSo, you can definitely look into your faults and try to make improvements, but don’t beat yourself up by feeling like you are at fault for everything. It will improve your ability to handle those interactions in the future.

[LH19]

These conversations have been broken down a million times on this forum. To simply state it people leave relationships for two reasons. 1. Loss of attraction. 2. They simply don’t see a happy future together.

[TellMeSo]

My W basically did the exact same thing. She justified her decision to separate from me due to years of mental and emotional abuse. I read up on it and found some faults of mine to work on, but it was nowhere near any definition I found of mental/emotional abuse.

As I worked on improving my happiness and giving her space, she shifted toward accusing me of “silent abuse.” W was basically upset because I did not engage in negative conversations or tell her exactly where I was going all of the time. She was upset at not being able to control things. Her accusations have continued to shift as she's trying to find reasons to be upset and absolve herself of any responsibility.

When I described my interactions here, several people mentioned that W was just gaslighting me. Once I realized that, I stopped overanalyzing every single accusation she made and stopped regretting every little thing I may have done wrong. TellMeSo, you can definitely look into your faults and try to make improvements, but don’t beat yourself up by feeling like you are at fault for everything. It will improve your ability to handle those interactions in the future.

Thank you DW17 and BL42.

I sometimes feel that my W is trying to provoke me to show negative emotions or to put so called pressure on her to have a good reason to divorce. Apart from the first 2 weeks after hearing the "news", I have been calm and signaling back mostly positive energy to avoid this.

Sometimes it feels that she is trying to force me to be the one to file or make active steps towards divorce. Either because she is scared or she wants another justification in her actions. I can easily call this pressure from her side on me to go back on my marriage vows.

I guess it's part of emotional rollercoaster but some days I am thinking as if I was the one gaslighting her, next day it's completely opposite and I think that she could have been gaslighting me.

[TellMeSo]

These conversations have been broken down a million times on this forum. To simply state it people leave relationships for two reasons. 1. Loss of attraction. 2. They simply don’t see a happy future together.

Interesting... Well, our goals, passions mostly aligns even these days thus it's unlikely to be 2nd.

Wonder what could have caused the loss of attraction so fast after the wedding...

To be honest, I believe that our relationship took a hit from COVID-19, but it might be a coincidence.

[BL42]

TellMeSo,

I sometimes feel that my W is trying to provoke me to show negative emotions or to put so called pressure on her to have a good reason to divorce.

Sometimes it feels that she is trying to force me to be the one to file or make active steps towards divorce.

Very possible. She wouldn't be the first one to attempt that.

Apart from the first 2 weeks after hearing the "news", I have been calm and signaling back mostly positive energy to avoid this.

Good for you. Stay calm and in control of your emotions under pressure is important.

I guess it's part of emotional rollercoaster but some days I am thinking as if I was the one gaslighting her, next day it's completely opposite and I think that she could have been gaslighting me.

I could see some days blaming yourself due to her gaslighting and other days seeing through the BS to know it's not you, but why would you think some days you're gaslighting her? That should be a simple answer...are you lying and deceiving and telling her things which are blatantly false, or not?

[TellMeSo]

No, I have never lied or tried deceiving her on any major things. Perhaps I am just taking jt too hard on myself after all the negative things she said lately.

Picture is becoming clearer to me. I will have to initiate at some point not to lose myself.

[Kind18]

My W basically did the exact same thing. She justified her decision to separate from me due to years of mental and emotional abuse.

WAS 101.

Mine did it too, and still daily tries to convince our mutual friends. None of them believe her.

What people will convince themselves of to avoid self reflection is mind boggling. Why not just say “I want to **** other men”? Seems a lot simpler than engineering some bullsh*t victim story.

The human brain is an incredibly smart, and yet incredibly flawed machine.

[DW17]

Sometimes it feels that she is trying to force me to be the one to file or make active steps towards divorce. Either because she is scared or she wants another justification in her actions. I can easily call this pressure from her side on me to go back on my marriage vows.

This is how it's been for me as well. My W started filling D paperwork out early Nov. She wanted me to take care of the rest of it. I didn't. She dropped it until this week and reprinted the forms and started filling them out again. She wants to work together to fill them out. I may get stuck where I have to initiate in the future, but as of right now, I'm going to make her be the one to pull the plug. I think a lot of it is the guilt associated with being the decision maker for such an impactful decision.

As far as your W trying to provoke you, my W does that also. There are certain situations, like when she's about to go out with "friends" that she'll try and start an argument for no reason. I realized she is trying to make herself upset with me, as if to justify whatever she's about to do. Just stay positive and leave that pile of guilt on her shoulders.

Wonder what could have caused the loss of attraction so fast after the wedding...

My W and I went through a version of what we're dealing with now after only 5 years of marriage. Some things I've read have refer to a quarter life crisis, which if not corrected is likely to be followed by a MLC (what we're going through now). And if not completely fixed, it is likely to happen again in the future.

I don't understand it, but if you make it through this, be 100% sure you get through it properly. You don't want to have these same issues bubble up again in 15 years.

[DnJ]

Good Morning

Why not just say “I want to **** other men”?

The problem isn’t actually wanting a relationship with another person. Nor is the solution to be with another person. An affair is just a symptom. An indicator of a deeper internal problem. Which ain’t fixed by having an affair.

Everyone writes their own life story. And the vast majority are not the villain in their own story.

Villain, victor, victim, vacuum, void.

My XW blasted off to her shinny new life with more a victor mentality. However, like most before BD, when first starting that trek, she felt more void/victim, a bystander, in her own life.

An affair is the futile attempt to fix themselves. To try to find happiness. Not realizing healing and happy come from within.

D