I have today to deal with win the day and gal traction momentum towards positive life goals. Going to get together with a solid friend and hammer out some of my goals in keeping with my values and where and who I want to be.
Fun Honesty Kindness Work Compassion Kindness Patience Faithfulness Responsibility Integrity Respectful communication Fairness Loyalty Perseverance Loyalty Joy Strength Humility Faith Courage Hope Cooperation Family Friends Community Trust Care
Values it seems to me that W is showing kids:
Freedom Independence Convenience Opportunity Happiness Secrecy Fun
That’s a good list of things you care about. It’s accurate and reasonable.
I’d like you to consider something. There is a difference between what one values and what are one’s actual values. Traits vs values.
Traits describe how one tends to behaves, thinks, or feels in a situation. They are derived from one’s values. Values or beliefs are the deeply held motivations for one’s actions or thoughts or feelings, regardless of the situation.
Beliefs are so deeply held, so ingrained into who one is, that a conflict of beliefs - not a trait or reaction - a conflict of belief between people is usually insurmountable. Beliefs guide and define one’s value system. They define right and wrong for that individual. A few examples being spirituality, integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty, etc.
A quick test: If someone can take it away, it is not a value.
Freedom of speech, money, are things that are valuable and can be taken away. Honesty, accountability, compassion, are values, and one chooses to live them or not.
Discovering one’s beliefs and convictions is usually quite eye opening. Strengthen those convictions that serve you. Craft ones you aspire to. And alter or discard those that do not serve. (We all have prejudices and bias that we’d be better served in letting go of.)
Once organized you have a pretty easy measuring stick. Real failure is failing to live by your values. Real success is living and taking action to embody them.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 01/17/2309:13 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Ok will dig into this. This summer W told me, “This is really hard (things she is doing, pursuing). It goes against my core beliefs.” I want to go deep for me and be thorough with this.
why would someone pursue something that goes against their core beliefs and expect to find happiness?
Great question bttrfly!
The answer… because it’s not actually against her core beliefs 🤷♂️
It’s really important to recognise in separation, divorce and the world of affairs that people’s narrative is largely controlled by their desire to not hate themselves.
Rockon’s wife saying “It’s hard to be a cheat because of my core values” has nothing to do with her core values, and everything to do with her wanting to make herself feel better about crap choices.
If they were REALLY core beliefs (Google what core beliefs actually are) then she wouldn’t be breaking them. That’s the harsh reality.
LBS who come to this site (like me, Rockon and you bttrfly) generally share a lot of the same pathology. One of those traits is that we are fixers, and we have spent years bending over backwards to keep things on the rails. This leads to a dynamic where we justify our spouse’s shi**y behaviour as being caused by an external problem. If we imagine they are a victim (of MLC, or childhood issues, or sudden life events) then we can justify wanting to be with them into the future.
Our spouses learn that, and begin to frame their behaviour as not being of their control, just like Rockon’s wife is doing. She’s playing victim (knowing it will appeal to Rockon’s desire to keep the marriage together) when really what she is doing is making conscious decisions to behave in this way.
I’m all for compassion, and treating people with kindness - as my name on this forum suggests.
But I’m also not for WS’s playing victim.
This is why the veterans on this site continually recommend IC to LBS. Any psychologist would have immediately flagged this BS statement from Rockon’s wife for what it is.
I am accepting WW. I am accepting her to be who she really is. She has shown me who she is and I believe her.
I am choosing for me to take care of myself. I am letting go of my urge to fix this, to change her, to deny my reality. I am not a victim. I have choice autonomy and freedom.
I do not mean to say that I am ok with WW’s behaviour or treatment of me or that I am content with the situation or that I want a M like this. Not at All!
However, I am happy with me and I am responsible for my ongoing happiness. I am realistic and accepting that she is who she is, she has made certain choices and the sich is as it is. I don’t want to concern myself about her circus or monkeys.
I had a rough (part of my) day. IC had to cancel our appt due to unforeseen circumstances. I was really looking forward to that time and had particular goals in mind. Had some distressing emotions and ptsd symptoms kick up a fuss. Did what I know to do. Used skills/strategies I have been learning. Reached out to close dependable circle of friends. Prayed, journaled, exercised (hi Kind), booked an interim session with another therapist for tomorrow, and rebooked with original IC for next week. Actually didn’t take me all that long and I have been having a net great day! Connected well with D and made fun plans for myself the next several days. Took care of some important responsibilities.
Doing better today. Out for a good walk (clears my head) went to the library - read Quincy Jones bio - very good read. More exercise to come and going out with friends tonight
