Sounds like you had a really good day. And you handled yourself well around W.
By the way, this is the place to speak about W and such. I don’t see much pining for her in your post, rather a more factual recounting of the events. She is still your wife, and a major player upon your stage; if you can’t speak about her here, where can you.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I think I can really learn if I pay attention and heed. I hope I do well and pass these tests the Lord is presenting me with and walking me through.
With that outlook you will be fine.
Life is a series of lessons and tests. Maintain good noble headings. For life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
LH, am trying and it’s so hard. I hear what you’re saying. My aim is to be authentic and shift the dynamic - been working at taking my power back. Your feedback is helpful. And yes it’s exhausting and I encounter a lot of pressure. Do need to give myself a break.
I am working on setting my course for me to follow through on what is right and not give away in deference to W and what might be good for her or as a way to get her back (without being retaliatory, unkind or taking from her). I am being organized and focused on how I spend my time, money and energy. I am forming a vision of where I want to be this week, next week, in 90 days and laying out steps necessary to achieve these goals.
I have taken notifications off my phone for her contact so I don’t get thrown off by a nervous system response. When I happen to be in the same place as W, I take steps to calm myself, remind myself to focus on others and myself rather than her.
I have taken notifications off my phone for her contact so I don’t get thrown off by a nervous system response.
Good. This is a tangible, common sense application of DB principles where you have recognised your behaviour/reactivity to her communication is not ideal, and you’ve put something concrete in place to make a positive change so that you respond more maturely.
Have you heard about the 10min rumination technique?
This is the place to speak about W and such..if you can’t speak about her here, where can you.
Some say black. Some say white. Lots of grey in the middle. Find balance. Be able to move from one extreme to the other as needed. Find the right grey for you. This is just one example.
Be able to do it in all areas. Most of us are stuck with only one way in many areas. Practice the uncomfortable behaviors. Introvert vs extrovert is a good example. Agreeable vs disagreeable. The list is infinite. Make you list and make your changes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
A rough 24 hrs but doing what I know to do to get through. Patient with myself feeling the feels going through then reaching out for solid support engaging in therapy good friendships family intense exercise (hey Kind) and some walks stretching and breathing exercises.
Is that where I give myself a limit of 10 min to worry about a particular problem then times up move on?
Yes!
You actually choose and set aside a time for it. For example “Tomorrow, I’m going to think about her/divorce/lawyers and let my brain go wild on conspiracy theories and play out worst possible scenarios for exactly 15 mins.”
Then that’s what you do. At the end of the 15 minutes, you get up and get on with your day. If more stuff pops into your head later that day, you just remember that you’ve already taken our time for that today and you’ll worry about it tomorrow.
By the time the next day comes, you’ll probably forget about it anyway and it won’t seem overwhelming any more.
It sounds dumb, but it works. Was a game-changer for me. Snapped me out of long periods of rumination and imagining fictional, worst case scenarios.
