She's in a better mood because she got what she wanted.
Credit card lock - you did the best you could with what info you had to work with ... the important thing is to learn from this and move on, not making the same mistake again.
Maybe work on being more clear about stating your boundaries in future. I still think you need to see a lawyer - or a few - as soon as possible to gather information about what your rights and responsibilities are, especially if she's burning things and texting family members.
Also keep that MC appointment, and maybe you can suggest she attend so you can work together on boundary setting since regardless of the state of the marriage you are co-parenting four kids.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
In thinking more about this, I think it's safe to say you've learned something important today about how wife will behave when she feels cornered, trapped and doesn't get her way.
Remember this as you move forward.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Don’t get excited mate. Things aren’t better now because she’s temporarily calmed down.
You seem like most NGS guys who arrive here. You see calm and less adversarial as better, and you see her livid, angry and foaming at the mouth as bad.
You need to flip 180 on this. Learn to embrace it.
Sure, maybe locking the CCs wasn’t the smartest idea. But you know what, let her flip the table, let her start manipulating your family with messages. She can get as angry as she likes. Don’t be afraid of it. She gets angry and throws her toys out of the pram because she knows she usually gets her way when she does that. She sounds like a child wrapped in an adult body.
Would you give you dog a treat if it pissed on the carpet? Same thing here. Ignore and be completely unswayed by bullsh*t behaviour. Only respond and engage with reasonable behaviour. You just stay cool and calm and happy 24/7 😎
It is my firm belief in your case that: a) it is very unlikely this marriage will be saved. She’s an out of control addict with anger issues who is verbalising she wants sex with other men. The chances she hasn’t done that already are slim to none b) you REALLY need to sit down with a counsellor for a few hours and ponder the following question - Why do I want to be with this woman?
My gut feeling is that your sense of religious obligation and even moreso your fear of the unknown is keeping you from admitting that this person is a very toxic, very selfish and very dangerous person to be around for the next 50+ years.
A few last bits: 1. Call your parents and explain. Ask them not to respond to her. 2. Install wifi cameras in your house to protect your possessions. With an imminent divorce she will steal things to pay for drugs/sex/alcohol 3. Do not interact with her or even be in the same place with her without your phone recording audio. It’s very clear she’s going to make fake DV claims 4. Protect your children at all costs. Consider taking 6 year old and leaving.
I get your religious obligations around marriage. I really do - that used to be me. But my WW was going to church on the weekend, and banging other guys during the week. Looking back, my sense of religious obligation is one of my huge regrets. It just made a bad situation worse because I hung in there through atrocious behaviour.
If you left this marriage now, when your time comes, I’m pretty sure your God would look at your decision to protect yourself and your six year old from a toxic, manipulative addict and wouldn’t begrudge you for leaving.
Thanks B and K, I definitely think she is in active sex addiction. I think she is honest about her 4 months clean from alcohol and drugs. Think it somewhat validates the other behavior. I again appreciate everyone.
FM, remember right now you cannot believe a word she says, and only half of what she does. This is why MC doesn't work, because she is going to say what is convenient, not honest. Even in (and maybe especially in) MC. MC can work with two committed, actively involved in working on the marriage spouses. When one spouse has 1 foot out the door it is a complete waste of time and the WAS will use it for their own devices.
Is she 4 months clean from alcohol and drugs? Maybe. Maybe not. Certainly don't put your eggs in that basket based on her words (see above).
FM, how is your GAL activities going? Are you staying busy? Why not stop MC and start IC? Remember this is a time to be working on yourself and trying to become the best version of yourself that you can be! Don't squander that opportunity.
Please read up on detachment. It really is the goal you should be striving for at the moment. Her crazy is just that, her crazy. When you are feeling good about things because she is calm, and anxious when she is upset then you need to work on that detachment. Once you start becoming detached it will be shocking to you how clear thinking you start to become.
Did you read the initial welcome threads that the mods provide? All of them? I would make sure to read them all multiple times. There is gold in those links! Also I don't if you have read DB or DR yet, but that should be your biggest next step. Get one of them (preferably DR) and make sure to read it at least twice and try to absorb all of what MWD says.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW, how do you suggest they attempt boundary setting without a third party to referee ??
Boundaries are the most misunderstood concept on the board, in my opinion. Boundaries aren't about the behavior of the walkaway, it is to guide the LBS's actions in relation.
Any boundary that tries to affect the behavior of the WAS is pressure and pursuit in the name of trying to control what you cannot control.
Let's take FM's situation. Maybe his boundary is that he won't tolerate her continued use of drugs. Any boundary that starts with "I told her......" is wrong. Which is why a 3rd party is not necessary for boundary setting.
The general format for a boundary is:
"If she does X, I will do Y." You don't have to state it. You don't have to tell her anything. You take action.
"If I find out she is using again, I will go file for divorce, hire a lawyer, and push for full custody of my kids."
No need to state. Just do. And in fact we had a great example of this on this board (I believe his screen name was mbr, I wish he still posted!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW, how do you suggest they attempt boundary setting without a third party to referee ??
Boundaries are the most misunderstood concept on the board, in my opinion. Boundaries aren't about the behavior of the walkaway, it is to guide the LBS's actions in relation.
Any boundary that tries to affect the behavior of the WAS is pressure and pursuit in the name of trying to control what you cannot control.
Let's take FM's situation. Maybe his boundary is that he won't tolerate her continued use of drugs. Any boundary that starts with "I told her......" is wrong. Which is why a 3rd party is not necessary for boundary setting.
The general format for a boundary is:
"If she does X, I will do Y." You don't have to state it. You don't have to tell her anything. You take action.
"If I find out she is using again, I will go file for divorce, hire a lawyer, and push for full custody of my kids."
No need to state. Just do. And in fact we had a great example of this on this board (I believe his screen name was mbr, I wish he still posted!)
Boundaries are confusing until you understand them.....
To me...
Boundaries are to protect yourself, not to punish....
Boundaries are not to induce a reaction, they are there regardless the reaction.
Boundaries are quietly enforced, rather than violently enforced...
Yet enforcing the boundary is the most essential part of them. And IF you are not ready to enforce it, and don't enforce it, then it is the same ol, same ol behavior from the LBS.
Too many people throw out a boundary and aren't ready to live with enforcing them....
And as Puppy says....that is the most important part of them...
EXAMPLE ONLY....
Quote
I will no longer allow myself to live in an open marriage. IF that is your choice moving forward, then I will take action for myself and our children
But man....you better be ready to live it....
A WAS will view it as an ultimatum, and those rarely work well....
