I was at my friends house when I started getting notifications of eBay bids/offers. I figured just Christmas shopping. Then A picture of Lingerie came up and said had active bid. We are not having sex currently and last weekend she told me she wanted to start having sex again, but not with me. She was in a program for sex addiction, which she is currently not working. I understand the risks of being married to a sex addict. When I got home she started to talk about my night. To which I said See you’ve been busy shopping tonight. I said I assume you are seeing someone now? She said what are you talking about. I Told her about the multiple notifications that came through on the bids for lingerie. he was shopping for our daughter and a bra for herself, not lingerie. I said there were bids on a teddy, which she said oh yeah i did bud on two. I want to look sexy and have things to wear under my dresses, Why point would I have to lie? I then said something along the lines of I know all I need to and walked out of the room. Normally I would dig in and create an argument. When I came back inside she started talking about something else unrelated, and then said something along the lines of I said “just because I want to look sexy doesn’t mean I am [censored] someone. I said I didn’t want to talk about it, and she got a little heated. Then more heated telling me I’ve treated her different the last two days and that I was a Dick, ever since she told me about the guy friend number she got. I said I’m only doing what’s best for me and I don’t want to talk about it right now. She then proceeded to call me a pu$*y and said I’ve always been one. Which I just didn’t respond. This is not how I envisioned the night and made some strides in not fuellimg an argument, but still mishandled it. Need to know best way to respond to names, because when I don’t say anything that seems weak. Sorry for the Novel but really want to get this right the next time. The last thing she asked about was church tomorrow, I just said I was going and she’s like, I’m not part of that now? I answered you can do what you want, but S6 and I are going. Please give any feedback.
I also should mention She started talking about Divorce for some reason while I was trying to get out the door and tell S6 goodbye for the night. He didn’t want me to leave. I said didn’t want to talk about it. She said that because I am dictating everything now she is going to reach out to a lawyer to see what her rights are. To that I just stated do what you need to do and left.
Wow man this is tough to follow. First off anytime she feels she is losing control she will threaten divorce in attempt for you to submit to her because she knows you don’t want it. Secondly, when a woman calls a man the P-word it is the ultimate showing of disrespect. Buying lingerie on your account and telling you she wants to sleep with other man. DISRESPECT.
Not gonna lie to you F you are going to need a lot of strength to turn this around.
Before we get into all of that, have you seen a lawyer because that should be your first step?
FM, I don't know your sitch entirely but I will read up when I have more time over the next few days. I'm sorry I don't have time today to do so.
I did want to jump on one thing you said - she's not currently working her SLA program ... you can't do anything about that, but you sure as h#ll can work one of your own. There are family groups for the A programs ... even if it's not a family group specific to sex addiction here's the dirty little secret - every addiction is the same: shopping, sex, food, alcohol, drugs ... doesn't matter, just a different way to try to fill the emptiness the addict feels inside. so an alanon family group can offer you some guidance and help. i strongly suggest you search for one in your area. while most are meeting again in person, there are also many which meet via zoom.
this is one major step you can take for yourself which will help you with detachment. Once you have reached a certain level of detachment you'll be able to find some peace and have some space to think more clearly about yourself and what you want.
Think about it.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I have not spoke to a lawyer yet, but will be on Monday. Sorry for the format as well. Not the easiest platform to use on the phone. The disrespect is immense for sure, and I’m curious on best response when the names start to ensure it shows will not be tolerated. Sometimes she will apologize, other times not. I’d be curious to know how that response looks as well if she decides to apologize. Im good either way, and do not expect her to. I appreciate the feedback.
I appreciate your response. I am currently in AL-Anon and working steps. I just finished step 6. I am in a totally different mindset now and know I am going to be ok no matter how this turns out. I do want my marriage and family in tact, and willing to fight all the way through. I just want to make sure I am working the process correctly while going through it.
I was going to use this when boundaries are crossed in conversation.
I will not tolerate the disrespect coming from you right now, the conversation is over. If you want to have this discussion we can do it another time, when you are ready to act like an adult.
Still seems weak, suggestions?
I also would like to know what book is best recommended for these types of behaviors. I just ordered No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
Also any other suggestions around additional support besides IC, like a coaching service?
I am on my way to an Al Anon meeting and she texts me to see what card to put a flight on to get her home for Christmas. I told her I wanted to discuss when I got home. She said she wanted to do it anyways, so I locked the credit cards. I’m not sure if right thing to do or not. Here is text thread
W- I’m going to book a flight for Christmas W- Which card would you like me to use? H- Neither until discussed H- We need a plan H- We can talk later to figure it out W- I’m going to book it now. There are only a few flights left H- We can talk about it later W- Did you disable these credit cards? W- What is the PayPal password? I am booking this flight bc there is only one left H- We can talk about it later W- Fu$& That
