My wife and I have been married for 22 years. I am 44 and she is 42. We have 4 children they are 22,19,16 and 6. We moved about 3 years ago for my job and I found out in July she was on a website meeting men and had multiple partners. She has been in recovery before for alcohol and Love addiction back in 2015, and we didn’t have too many problems after we had our 6 year old. She has utilized AA for meeting people in the past. She did not return to AA, until this year and it was after she was outed. She was remorseful at first and started counseling, AA again, SAA and started going back to church. After about a month she started blaming all the addictions on our marriage and was saying that she didn’t know if she wanted to be married any longer, last month she said she didn’t want to work on the marriage at all, so we did an in house separation. This is when I left the room. We were in marriage counseling at the time but didn’t get much direction. She then wanted to stop the counseling. She also stopped working her SA program and said was just going to use AA. This last weekend she told me she wanted to start having sex again, which we have been in abstinence per her program, but not with me. That she wanted to just do it with a friend where there are no strings. She then told me this last weekend she has a guys phone number she’s been texting and talking with, but that they are just friends. Per her programs she was not supposed to be getting guys phone number and it crossed the separation agreement we set up. Today I told her I wanted the bedroom back and that when we go home, I don’t want to be at her Family Christmas and that I did not want her at mine. I would like to Salvage the marriage if possible but only if in active recovery and willing to work on it. I have Catholic faith and believe in the scriptural definition of marriage. I’m not sure if this was right thing to do or not today, but I can’t keep doing the same things. Sounds crazy writing this out, but I realize this is an addiction and know that her soul is genuine. Sorry for any typos, writing on my phone.
Last edited by Michele Weiner-Davis; 12/10/2205:28 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
I read it as tying if not in a position to work on the marriage. She just started talking to another man and told me she wants to start having sex again, but not with me. She also has changed the way she dresses and is in recovery for addictions, which she blames on the marriage. Did I read it wrong?
Wow that sounds very familiar to my situation, except for the addictions. But my wife told me the same thing, that she was interested in sex again but not with me.
Rewriting history is a normal part of a WW's journey. My wife tried to say she had never been happy in our marriage, something I knew was not true. Just understand that whatever she claims is her new reality. No sense in arguing with someone that's convinced of what they are claiming.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She was remorseful at first and started counseling, AA again, SAA and started going back to church. After about a month she started blaming all the addictions on our marriage and was saying that she didn’t know if she wanted to be married any longer, last month she said she didn’t want to work on the marriage at all, so we did an in house separation.
Your wife isn’t interested in improving her addictions or saving her marriage. This ⬆️ is classic pathology.
She wants out, she knows she has substance/alcohol abuse problems. What she is doing, by going to AA and church half-heartedly and then saying the marriage is responsible for her addictions and infidelity, is convincing herself in her own mind that what she is doing is okay.
It means she can still look herself in the mirror and not be ashamed and disgusted by what she sees.
From this point forward, your wife is not attempting to fix her addictions or her marriage - she’s making herself feel better about it by convincing herself it’s your fault.
Strap in - you’re in for a wild ride.
It’s a shame she just can’t take responsibility for it - ie “I don’t love you any more, I want to keep taking drugs and alcohol, and I want to f*** around with other guys.”
Something you will discover is that you are not alone. There are all kinds of folks here that understand what you’re going through. Folks from newbie to veteran, and various points in between.
As was mentioned, I think you are in for a rough ride. W’s stated wanting sex with other people, the blaming, the projection, the justification, are all typical wayward spouse behaviour. You cannot talking her out of this. You cannot reason with her to see the light. She has a path she needs to walk, and you (thankfully) were not invited along.
Dig deep. Focus on you and your four kids. Get a Life. And let go W. Give her time and space. Her emotions are all stirred and mixed up. Couple that with addiction and it’s quite a cocktail. She is a lost soul at the moment.
Read. Post. Ask questions. We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. It’s perfectly normal.
Your path is just starting out. Listen to the wisdom of the folks that have gone before. Plenty of this will be counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. Will go against your default behaviour. Realize, everything here is for you. You have to save yourself first. And that gives you your best chance at saving your marriage.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My wife and I have been married for 22 years. I am 44 and she is 42. We have 4 children they are 22,19,16 and 6.
You two were married very young. If you're married 22 years and have a 22 year old, did you get married because she was pregnant? Did you two have any significant relationships before each other? What is each of your family history (specifically parents marriage status)?
Originally Posted by AJK29
We moved about 3 years ago for my job and I found out in July she was on a website meeting men and had multiple partners. She has been in recovery before for alcohol and Love addiction back in 2015, and we didn’t have too many problems after we had our 6 year old. She has utilized AA for meeting people in the past.
Was it just in July you found out she had affairs, or were there issues in years past? Sounds like maybe the latter but I'm not 100% clear.
Originally Posted by AJK29
After about a month she started blaming all the addictions on our marriage
It's so incredibly common for the WAS/WS to blame the marriage and their spouse for all their problems. Not that you're perfect, but keep that in mind when the doubts creep into your head about why she cheated on you and wants a divorce.
Originally Posted by AJK29
This last weekend she told me she wanted to start having sex again, which we have been in abstinence per her program, but not with me.
You haven't been having sex because of her abstinence program? For how long?
Originally Posted by AJK29
She then told me this last weekend she has a guys phone number she’s been texting and talking with, but that they are just friends.
If she admitted to this than rest assured more happened, though above you said multiple partners so maybe I'm a bit confused.
AJK29 - Sounds like your W has multiple serious issues. You have a tough road ahead of you. How are your kids doing?
Last edited by Michele Weiner-Davis; 12/10/2205:30 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hi BL42, We did decide to get married when she was pregnant. 1. I did not have any significant relationships before her, and she had a 4 year relationship through high school. We were not together very long before getting married. Both of our parents are still married. 2. There were issues in the past. She overdosed on pills back in 2008, and Has had 3-4 episodes of acting out over the years. The first time we didn’t treat as an addiction but she went into outpatient rehab for alcohol. Realized she had a sex addiction when she started hooking up with people at AA. I was her drinking buddy and drank too much myself. I am very aware of my responsibilities of why we are where we are. I went into major codependent mode after the pill episode, but didn’t look at that until recently. I have been working Al Anon 12 steps and not drinking since this last episode went down. 3. She’s giving me the I love you but not in love with you. As well as I’m not sure I’ve ever loved you. Up until today, when I told her she needed to sleep elsewhere and that I didn’t want her at my Christmas and not going to hers, she was still saying I love you and giving kisses and hugs. We have had some passionate kisses and each time she says it’s a mistake. 4. We haven’t had sex in almost 5 months. The recommendation when starting SA trecovery was 3-6 months. 5. She says she is still sober, but is not working her program. I don’t believe it and hence my decision.
In a post from a user you will see their user name. AJK29 for example. Pressing it brings a pop up menu of actions, one of which is <Forum Posts>. Clicking on that item brings up (by default) all of that user’s posts. On the top right of that screen you can switch between <Threads Created> and <All Posts>. The <Threads Created> lists all threads by that user.
In this case, go to a sandi2 post (I used the link in the welcome post). Press on sandi2 in the box next to one of her posts. Press Forum Posts, Threads Created, and find the title. Click on the title and it opens that thread.
Have a great day.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 12/10/2203:02 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
