So I don’t know what was actually discussed in that MC session without me obviously that she went alone.
I know she came back real quiet and didn’t talk to me after.
What I do know is that she “felt worse after going”.
When asked by her friend if it was helpful, she said “yes and no” but that she is “depressed”.
My guess is that session, especially with me finally declining to go, has made her feel worse about how she has treated me these past couple months. She has told me before that she thinks she is being selfish and my guess is that is still weighing on her.
Ifs buts maybes..............
None of that helps. Maybe they discussed the state of the world? That's always a depressing discussion.
Nothing she may have discussed, or she may be feeling, matters to what you should be doing and focusing on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
br4nd0n, I've been following along and I agree with the previous posters. It's hard to stop thinking about how your W may be thinking or feeling about things, but ultimately it doesn't matter. The things she says and does will not be rational and your brain will try to rationalize it. I wish I could get back the time I spent the past few months analyzing my wife's thoughts, feelings, reactions, whereabouts, etc. and do literally anything else with that time. I still analyze some things I shouldn't, but I've learned that most of that time was wasted and had zero impact on my situation other than negatively affecting my own mood/behavior. It also has led to me making mistakes that pushed her further away, such as getting in conversations I shouldn't have, snooping on the computer and checking if she was actually at a friend's house and not lying to me. All of these situations occurred because I was focused on my W instead of myself. It's difficult and will improve with time, but the quicker you can shift your attention toward yourself, the better you will feel.
Me: "I just wanted to let you know I've decided not go to the counseling session tomorrow if you want to let XXX know. We don't need another meeting to discuss a break. I feel like counseling has just been more pressure for you. I feel I already have made what I want very clear these past few months and there just isn't a reason for us to go any longer for now. I want to respect what you said about feeling done with the relationship."
Originally Posted by SteveLW
While this isn't bad. It is still too many words. I would suggest:
"I've decided not to continue with counseling, if you want to let XXX know. I do not think we need it to discuss a break, and I feel continuing would be a waste of time."
I agree. The action was good, too many words.
One thing I have learned:
Use the least amount of words to get the point across. The less words, the more of an impact.
Like Steve said, this is more art than science. Self edit your self as much as possible.
If I said anything, it would be this:
H: "I've decided not to continue with counseling". W:"Why?" H: "I have something more important to do" W: "What?"
Really think hard about when and how to answer the "What?" question. Apply everything you have learned since BD.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Me: "I just wanted to let you know I've decided not go to the counseling session tomorrow if you want to let XXX know. We don't need another meeting to discuss a break. I feel like counseling has just been more pressure for you. I feel I already have made what I want very clear these past few months and there just isn't a reason for us to go any longer for now. I want to respect what you said about feeling done with the relationship."
Originally Posted by SteveLW
While this isn't bad. It is still too many words. I would suggest:
"I've decided not to continue with counseling, if you want to let XXX know. I do not think we need it to discuss a break, and I feel continuing would be a waste of time."
I agree. The action was good, too many words.
One thing I have learned:
Use the least amount of words to get the point across. The less words, the more of an impact.
Like Steve said, this is more art than science. Self edit your self as much as possible.
If I said anything, it would be this:
H: "I've decided not to continue with counseling". W:"Why?" H: "I have something more important to do" W: "What?"
Really think hard about when and how to answer the "What?" question. Apply everything you have learned since BD.
ouch. there's detachment, and then there's that statement ^^^
I think something like: H: I've decided not to continue with the counseling - can you please let xxx know?
W: Why?
H: I don't think its the best use of my time.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
This would be perfectly okay IF their R is in a good place.
Don't ask (TELL) her to do anything. Be a big boy and call XXX yourself. Don't tell W that you did this. STFU is the rule. You are no longer a team.
As far as "I have something more important"...whatever it is...watching paint dry... SHE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE.....you are agreeing with her. You hear her..you are supporting her decision. Again, this is not what you say to someone when the R is in a good place.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I appreciate the feedback on how I should have communicated to her that I wasn't going to the MC meeting yesterday. But that is done at this point. What I said is how it went and she went on her own.
I think LH19 and BL42 probably have it most right here on why she felt worse after attending the counseling alone, why she went silent since she got home, and why she told her friend she is depressed.
I think it's possible that he told her his observation of me in our sessions. I mean I'm the type of person that probably 8-10 years ago would have never agreed to go to MC. When the BD happened in September and I realized things were at Defcon5/Crisis-mode, I not only agreed but I went into those sessions fully participating, vulnerable, emotional at times, and just well prepared. We had several sessions where I had spent a lot of time ahead of time writing down exactly where I thought we were at so we optimized the most time in those sessions. But as I've mentioned in other posts, we we're dealing with someone barely a willing participant on her side.
Or like BL42 said, he may have challenged her on her path.
Originally Posted by LH19
If you increase her guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, she's going to resent you more.
If you pursue her, argue with her, or try to convince her to work with you on the marriage, she's going to resent you for not letting her go and not giving her the space she wants.
If you immediately address all her historic complaints, she's going to resent the fact that you didn't do it sooner, and things had to get this bad for you to take action.
This really hit home for me. Not long ago before I started detaching, she said this:
"....Relationships can not work out between two good people who want the best for each other. I'm struggling with wanting to be there for you when I'm the one causing the stress with my feelings and decisions. .....It's hard because our relationship state is causing you this pain and it's an impossible situation. Because I feel like the only thing I can do to make you feel better is to sacrifice how I'm feeling and turn it into another cycle of resentment.
I get that none of this matters and doesn't change what I need to do and focus on me.
I appreciate the feedback on how I should have communicated to her
For each interaction in the future, there will be two extremes. Finding the right point between the extremes is what matters. Most of us are programed to behave in a predictable way. We don't even know the extremes. Leaning new ways is part of the growth. That way in the future, we can make better choices in the way we interact.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This would be perfectly okay IF their R is in a good place.
Don't ask (TELL) her to do anything. Be a big boy and call XXX yourself. Don't tell W that you did this. STFU is the rule. You are no longer a team.
As far as "I have something more important"...whatever it is...watching paint dry... SHE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE.....you are agreeing with her. You hear her..you are supporting her decision. Again, this is not what you say to someone when the R is in a good place.
I have something more important = being an @$$hole about it. The point is you want to behave in a way that makes her think she's a fool for letting you leave. That comment would make me think I'm right to walk away.
There are other ways to make that line in the sand which would make her regret her choices, not celebrate them.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am not sure saying "I have something more important to do" is being a rearhole. To me it projected high value. "We are wasting our time on MC, so I have found something more important to me to do."
The problem with trying to not be a jerk in every facet is that no matter what you do or don't do the WAS will not like it, think you are being a jerk, and at a minimum accuse of being one anyway. So trying to filter everything you say and do through a jerk filter is a waste of time.
This is especially true with husbands. Female attraction follows closely behind respect. They have to respect you first, then they can be attracted to you. Being firm, being a bit vague, leaving some mystery and intrigue is paramount to not being a jerk. In fact, most LBHs default way too far to being too nice, not being a jerk. So swinging a little the other direction isn't going to hurt them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
