Well when I first got the advice, as you saw from my update, I was only halfway applying the principles.
Today was the first day forward since hearing the hard truth yesterday in couples therapy that my W still feels done with the R despite that date we had.
Ready to detach now and I know I have to.
I’ve been into fitness for awhile already. I always lift 4-5 days a week for about an hour.
I already have a muscular build. People can tell I lift weights when they see me.
I’m definitely a fitness bodyfat type build but I’ve never been quite lean/cut enough to have a six pack. It requires an incredible dedication to diet and Ab training.
One of my goals now is to just do it. I’ve always wanted to do it but thought it was just too hard but I’m going to just put in the work for once and do it for me.
I’ve also been making an effort to spend more quality time with my D11. Even just simple things like talking with her more about her day, playing board/card games, etc.
I’m also working on spending more time with good friends of mine. Being in a relationship/married, it’s easy to loose track of time and not see them as often so I’m really working on that.
I need to find other things but that’s a start.
A question - I know you are supposed to do things like connect back with friends and to make her be curious about my whereabouts. Do you tell her what you are doing/going? Or do you just say “hey I made some plans and will be out”.
A question - I know you are supposed to do things like connect back with friends and to make her be curious about my whereabouts. Do you tell her what you are doing/going? Or do you just say “hey I made some plans and will be out”.
Short answer is YES.
Things like this are vague enough: H:"I will be home late Friday."
If she questions you on when you will be home "Not sure" If she ask who with H:"Some friends" if she asks again H:"You don't know them"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Do you tell her what you are doing/going? Or do you just say “hey I made some plans and will be out”.
Why would you go out of your way to tell someone who wants to break your marriage where you are going to be all the time? That makes zero sense. Tell her nothing. If she asks, and only if she asks, then just say “I’m going out with friends.” And then leave immediately. Conversations with WAW/WS are the final nail in the coffin.
And be prepared mentally for interactions in advance. Exit conversations ASAP, as if talking to her is taking you away from fun and a real inconvenience
For example: If she says “Well why all the secrets, why won’t you tell me who you’re going out with?”
Old Brandon: “It’s not a girl, I love you, I’d never go on a date with another woman.”
New Brandon: *With grin and sparkle in your eyes* “Wouldn’t you like to know!”
I already have a muscular build. People can tell I lift weights when they see me.
I’m definitely a fitness bodyfat type build but I’ve never been quite lean/cut enough to have a six pack. It requires an incredible dedication to diet and Ab training.
Maybe your effort for personal growth could be directed someplace else. Going from fit to ripped most likely won't change her mind (or in the future attract a significant more number of ladies).
Only you can figure out what areas to focus on. Take a hard look at your behaviors. You can reflect on how you interact with her. Are there better ways of interacting with a woman? Most likely. None of us have it completely figured out, but with some reading and observations, we can improve. That is what it is about. Having an awareness that there is always a better version of ourselves that we can let shine through.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
And be prepared mentally for interactions in advance.
Everything they do is predictable. That is why we call it a script. Get yourself ahead of her and know the script before she does and respond accordingly.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I say this out of kindness, but I think there’s some hard truths you need to hear.
You said this on your very first post:
Originally Posted by br4nd0n
I started reading a few of these threads and see that one of the big ways I have screwed up since she came out as a walkaway wife is not giving her space.
But then a week or two later you took her out, had a romantic dinner, convinced her to have a massage and eventually had sex.
You also said this in your first post:
Originally Posted by br4nd0n
Now she has told me she's done with the relationship. It's like she has completely convinced herself that getting over these issues is just too hard and therefore not possible. Like there is just too much to get over and the thought of doing so is just too daunting for her.
Maybe she is really done with the relationship but I think it's also possible that what she is "done" with is me smothering/suffocating her which I did out of stupidity.
So, she told you very clearly she was done in your first post. But today, you said
Originally Posted by br4nd0n
since hearing the hard truth yesterday
She already told you this weeks ago, it is only now it seems you’re starting to hear it.
You need to back the pressure RIGHT off. The problem here is that you aren’t listening to anyone. She’s been telling you she’s done. We’re telling you the only way to get her back is accept it for now, drop the rope, become a better person and hope that she changes her mind. And meanwhile, because the grief is so strong, you’re pressuring her and getting in her pants.
The date, massage and sex - guaranteed you walked away from it feeling short term vindication and closer to her - meanwhile, she probably walked away feeling like s*** and like she’s made things even worse. She probably has a lot of internal shame about it.
Your grief, your lack of acceptance and your desire to feel close to her physically, at this point, is like a drug fix. Short term it feels great, long term it’s going to ruin everything.
The point is well taken on not going to the next couples therapy session.
However, where we left the last one after talking about how the date didn't change her mind, still feeling done, etc. was the acknowledgement that we need a "break" as our next step.
Well, we live together and that isn't changing so the counselor kept this next session on the books (scheduled for tomorrow). The counselor kept the session on the book to discuss what a "break" would look like.
I know you guys will have some good ways to communicate that I don't want to go given that particular situation.
One complication that arose immediately was Christmas plans. Me, W, and D were supposed to go to my SIL's for my W's immediate families Christmas celebration next weekend.
I already put it out there that despite the situation between me and W, there was no way I wasn't going to not be where my family was celebrating Christmas. Meaning, I can still drop the rope and detach but "be there" for my D mostly.
The other thing I really need to work on is going around more upbeat/confident/strong. Yesterday/this Morning, I've done a good job dropping the rope but I feel like I'm just coming off upset/annoyed/short with her.
Which I am...I'm heartbroken and I don't want to loose my wife...so It's tough.
brandon, have you ever heard the saying "You can't overnight talk your way out of what you acted for years your way into?"
This is a difficult thing for LBSs to really understand. We all come here looking for the one thing to say or the one thing to do that will turn our situations around. The hard truth is that there is no magic bullet. If there were this forum wouldn't exist. There would be a one chapter book every LBSs could buy that would say: Say this, and do this, and your marriage will be fixed!
I've mostly stepped back and watched. As Kind pointed out, there is a fair amount of denial you are still dealing with. And as R2C is trying to get you to see, you have to change your dynamic with her.
If you keep doing what you are doing you will continue to set yourself up for disappointment. When things do not turn around you will continue to bang your head against the wall. You will continue to have "hearing the hard truth" moments. The fact is that she has made her intentions known unequivocally and you are in the "yeah, but what if I do this and say this" mode.
Marriage counseling has a very low rate of working. That is why Michelle wrote the books to begin with. For decades couples in crisis have gone to couple counseling. And for decades the divorce rate has continued to climb. Also, you have admitted to being bad about giving her space, well MC is certainly NOT giving her space.
What winds up happening is the WAS uses it to try to convince the LBS that separation and divorce is the right path. The LBS is frustrated because they thought MC was to fix things and the WAS isn't doing their part. This is why on the forum we tell LBSs not to do MC, if they are doing it to stop, and then get into IC and work on themselves.
As R2C stated above, date nights are difficult for LBSs because whether we want to admit it or not we attach expectations to it. If things go well we think "Yeah! We are working this out!" Only to be devastated again when we hear inevitably the WAS still wants a separation and/or D. And that is exactly what you've experienced.
It is your situation, you get to decide. But the advice hear will continue to be the same because we've all been through it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
