What I see from my wife is someone who has really been working on her weight/appearance, reading an absolute ton (more books in a month than most do in years/lifetime), and as I mentioned in a post above has been being affectionate "with herself" quite a lot which hasn't always been the case.
I’m sorry, but that’s classic affair behaviour, even if it’s just an emotional affair at this point.
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The only thing is this extremely close work friend of my wife. She doesn't hide the fact she is always talking to her, many times on speaker in the kitchen, etc. and them just being dumb with each other.
But through text and instant message I know they talk about relationship stuff, stuff about me, stuff about our daughter, more personal stuff you would a close friend, etc.
And your right, this is a same-sex work friend. This women is also married so I don't see and haven't seen any signs of a romantic connection. In all my years of being with my wife, I don't believe there is interest in that way or if there is, has never been more than internal or maybe fantasy in her head maybe.
But again, when they talk about our relationship, specifically if my wife is talking to her about something that I did in her mind wrong, then we get two brains to say this guy is not good. This friend is also late 30's and doesn't have any kids of her own (only cats) so her giving any advice to my wife on our or my wrong parenting is not productive.
That’s a lot about her. Trust me when I say (other than respecting their wishes and walking in the other direction) there is NOTHING you can do to analyse, understand, change or repair a woman who is at this point. You just can’t.
All LBS come to this site, and write page after page about how their WS/WAS is acting. What they are saying, doing, thinking - what does it all mean, they said xxxx so should I respond yyyy… inevitably there’s sim talk of GAL, and the the next post is once again like a post-game analysis of everything their partner has said/done/how many times they’ve breathed in the last 24 hours and what it could possibly all mean.
I’d encourage you to try and focus your posts more and more on you, and less on her. She’s simmering in the oven. You can’t do anything about her, and if you try, you’re just validating her decision to leave. There is NOTHING you can say or do or realise that will fix this.
The way to a happy future is to drop the rope, let her be, and start kicking life’s butt. Come to the board and tell us how your daughter is going - we went to a baseball game together! Tell us what your lawyer has told you to be careful about/prepared for. Tell us how you are going to do better at your job, what your daily exercise routine is (and what goals you’ve set). Tell us how you are increasing your social circles. Tell us three new hobbies you’ve started. Go wash and vacuum your car, buy some new clothes and aftershave. Find something that terrifies the old you (like skydiving) and go do it!
The answer (whatever that may be - divorce or reconciliation) actually lies within you…
I feel like counselling with me is just more pressure for you. I feel I’ve made what I want (reconciliation) very clear. But I respect that you need to work out yourself what you want, so there’s no point me going with you until you decide what you want. You can either cancel the appointment, or you can go along on your own to get some advice if you think that might be helpful. I’ve organised to go to a bar with some mates and have buffalo wings/beers and watch the game. Here’s the number if you want to cancel.
And then happily run off and do something super fun with your daughter.
You must leave immediately after. Don’t get drawn into a discussion under any circumstances. And don’t say it without anything other than a big smile on your face and super relaxed/happy. If you say it anxiously, angrily or without conviction, she will think you’re forcing her to decide if she’s in or out and so she’ll lose her sh**
Whatever you do, don’t say “let me know what you decide.” That’s pressure. She needs to believe you don’t give a flying fk whether she goes or not.
I'm new to this particular EA concept so bare with me.
Where does the line of an Emotional Affair and close Friendship differ? And where should that concern line be? And what should I do?
An affair is a sexual relationship, romantic friendship, or passionate attachment in which at least one of the participants is married to someone else.
The PA, physical affair, is basically when things turn sexual.
An EA, emotional affair, is when sexual encounter has not happen and things are romantic friendship and/or passionate attachment.
An affair crosses the line into being unfaithful; be it physical or emotional. A close friendship does not have romantic intent, nor is it unfaithful to one’s marriage or vows.
We speak of the two types of A for clarity and in discussion of what to do and possible time frames, prognosis, etc.
A straight up PA is likely not going to last. Lies and deceit and sneaking around makes a terrible foundation to form a relationship. Like building upon sand, it’s foundation is weak and unstable.
An EA is much more in their mind. Heck, some never even meet in real life, just texts and pictures and such. Then there is the whole stalking, and other unhealthy attachments that one can be drawn into. An emotional affair is much more a fantasy. It is more make believe. One hasn’t seen the other person warts and all. It is much easier to “believe” they are the bee’s knees. And it is tougher to slay a fantasy.
I want to express to you it is perfectly normal and healthy to ask questions and relay what’s going on with W and in your situation. Everyone requires a certain amount of understanding before they can let go.
So come here and post, vent, ask, seek guidance, work to understand, and tell us about your hobbies and life. You will have a lot to work through and most folks do not have people close by in real life that have been through the wringer or will so freely talk about it. This forum is pretty amazing when you think about it.
I understand the well meaning advice and attempting to propel you to detachment. However, you have a path to walk, and there are no short cuts. Posting and talking about details here also gets them out of your system and can prevent you from reacting to W. Besides, you literally got here yesterday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
What I see from my wife is someone who has really been working on her weight/appearance, reading an absolute ton (more books in a month than most do in years/lifetime), and as I mentioned in a post above has been being affectionate "with herself" quite a lot which hasn't always been the case.
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My EW did the same in the six months prior to BD, excessive working out, cosmetic procedures, weight loss, and eventually purchased a "personal massager" or two. Although she didn't start the PA's until after she filed for the D a year after she left, I eventually discovered that she was having a fantasy affair with a 17 year old student she met while chaperoning a high school trip to Europe. MLCers are messed up. They will get their fix one way or another.
Taz
M57 (53@BD) XW55 (50@BD) S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD) Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28 BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip) W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text) D final 11/10/22
While I still have my senses up to the possibility of an EA or PA, but through my verification I haven't found evidence of this so far.
When I think back about the timeline and went through old texts between us:
July - Starts reading a ton. Finished 10 books in the month. I don't really think anything of it.
August - I actually get her a kindle for her birthday because she was spending a ton of money on physical books.
At this same moment, I also expressed to her that I wanted to work on more intimacy, etc. (wanting us to have more sex). She then very casually says she "...had also been thinking about that part of our relationship...affection in general and wanting to work more on our relationship with communication, intimacy, parenting, being more of a team. At this same time, she again very subtlety says "...I also have some body image stuff to work through and I have some built up resentment that I've never want to deal with or communicate". She also says "...it's easier for her to go through the motions, ignore, and push me away and admits that is not right".
So at this time, since it was literally the first time I heard this, I didn't think THAT much about it because I didn't understand the severity of what she was saying. At that time, I didn't really even understand resentment and how dangerous it is to a relationship. I figured it was just something we would both just work on.
Through the month of August we had some good times. I remember we got a weekend alone without our daughter for a really nice date night, intimacy, etc. and also a really nice getaway family weekend trip.
September - Starts being really strict about her diet. Sometime this month she gets a personal massager and didn't tell me she did. Towards the end of the month is when the blow up happened and I think the blow up came out quite unplanned. It just came to a head that particular night. It wasn't a calculated, pre-planned thing on how she was going to tell me all this stuff regarding the deep resentment, etc.
End of September/October through now has been me really trying to fix things when I found out the severity of the situation and the fact she didn't know if she wanted to be with me anymore. Which if you've read my previous posts, obviously hasn't worked at all and how I got here and how I'm changing my strategy and moving forward.
I don't know everything but I know a lot of Colleen Hoover. Which I know she is known for romance and young adult fiction but she is also like insanely popular right now. Not sure there is an exact conclusion to draw from that or not.
Interesting. What do you normally see in that regard of WAW?
I again went through all our texts these past two months since the blow up.
I see someone that has seen and acknowledged my changes for the better but her walls aren't coming down. Someone really struggling on what she actually wants. Some that loves me but has affirmed that love and resentment aren't mutually exclusive and can love me and not appreciate how she feels she has been treated for however long. Thinks I have done a 180 but ultimately hasn't changed her mind. Overwhelmed with pressure and tapped out emotionally until earlier this week of the "I'm done"with the relationship".
Since getting on here, obviously only since really Wednesday. I've been polite, I don't ask any questions unless she talks to me, no more "I love you goodnight", etc. Focusing on me and my daughter.
I didn't even let going to her families house this weekend be a question of whether or not I would attend. Daughter asked (in the presence of both of us what time we were leaving), and I said WE were leaving at X time. Internally thinking that the new/changed me would never not be where his family is during a Thanksgiving celebration and despite the tension between me and W, I'm going to focus on being the best me I can.
She loves you but she’s not in love with you. Standard WAW jiberesh.
We typically see affairs EA and PAs. I have read the term Fantasy affairs on here and I believe there was a poster whose W was having a fantasy affair with a famous person.
Eventually with time and space she will burn through the resentment. Time will tell if it’s too late.
