I have read, currently rereading, divorce remedy and divorce busting.
What are the next books you plan on reading?
Not sure yet. Looking at the list. I've been meaning to stop by the bookstore just to see what they might have. I know, bookstores are so 1990's. I still like going there and just spending time browsing.
Yesterday was such an improvement over the previous two. I didn't think about her at work with the OM once. I was dead tired but kind of energetic. Came home from work and straightened up, washed a few dishes. Wife got home and we sat on the sofa together about 30 minutes watching tv and then I got up first, even thought I could have sat there all night with her. Told her I was taking the dog out to play in the yard awhile if she wanted to get some rest. She was very visibly tired from our late night. Later I made dinner for her and d13. I actually made her laugh a few times, she doesn't laugh much anymore. Just a very light mood, the way it should be. She went to bed early and I sat up until s17 got home from work. Taking d13 to finish her getting her braces, then going to the gym and for a run. D13 has a bball scrimmage tonight, looking forward to that. She's a tiny little thing but as an 8th grader she is playing freshman and JV ball for the high school team. I used to only care about softball, probably because I coach, but I'm really into basketball now. One day at a time, right?
Mike, you know you cannot nice her back, right? Last night may seem like a step forward, but is doing the dishes and cooking her dinner what a man that commands respect does?
Tonight, do not do any housework. When bball scrimmage is over, take your D13 to dinner. Let your walk away wife fend for herself.
Remember, she is firing you as her husband, stop trying to be the perfect husband. Let her see what her like without you will be like.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Mike, you know you cannot nice her back, right? Last night may seem like a step forward, but is doing the dishes and cooking her dinner what a man that commands respect does?
Tonight, do not do any housework. When bball scrimmage is over, take your D13 to dinner. Let your walk away wife fend for herself.
Remember, she is firing you as her husband, stop trying to be the perfect husband. Let her see what her like without you will be like.
Wasn’t trying to nice her back. I’ve always done the majority of the cooking. Not helping around the house was always a point of contention before so I have tried to do a better job of it since this all started. I think you are confused about our situation. She is living with us, we will all go the scrimmage together. She left and came back, saying she wants to fix things. She hasn’t done much and isn’t sure what she wants. NC with the OM as far as I know. I’m just trying to do the things I should have all along. Thanks
She is the same person she always was, you just see her different now.
Such a subtle yet profound little nugget of a sentence. Take some time to think about this concept.
I have a hard time with this. She seems like a totally different person. Not just towards me, but her outlook on life and how she treats other people now. Probably she is very depressed and that is why. Sometimes I wonder who she is. She even looks different at times, or maybe I'm crazy.
No, you’re not crazy.
As mentioned a while ago, your W shows signs of an internal struggle. Depression is always present with such internal turmoil.
A mid life transition is a normal stage for everyone. We all reconcile getting old, the things will failed to accomplish, our regrets, and such. We then see our life’s work, the stuff we did accomplish, and all the benefit of a life well lived.
A person enters a crisis during this time if they have significant unresolved issues. They get bogged down and lost in the regret and getting old stage of the transition. Usually some childhood trauma from an authority figure. Something from long ago. Something completely unrealized by them.
This pain and trauma was buried when they were a child due to they did not have the emotional / mental capacity to face or process such an event. Unfortunately, things buried alive will haunt later.
At mid life, these past events come back with a vengeance. They will no longer be denied. Of course, the person experiencing such torment has no idea why. They literally do not know what and why they feel like they do. That is the start of a mid life crisis.
This decent lasts about 18-24 months, as they try to maintain their life. Eventually, things can no longer be bottled up and they explode. Bomb drop. Their spouse usually gets blamed, since this broken person cannot accept or understand what they are feeling. It must be the spouse’s fault. It has to be. (From the hurting crisis person’s perspective.) They truly cannot accept things; their broken psyche cannot take it. They absolutely must blame others, and are driven to some wild behaviour.
My W had a full blown, off the deep end, mid life crisis. She blew up everything. Once they reach bomb drop, they run. Hard and fast. Affairs are staggeringly commonplace for these lost souls. They equate sex with happiness.
They feel unhappy. All the time. Running takes their mind off it. Spending, drinking, illicit drugs, are some other common running behaviours. These are people desperate to find peace. And desperate people do desperate things. There are many accounts of people burning through a lifetime of savings searching for their illusive happiness. My W took up exercising and weight loss. She was by no means over weight, not at all. However, she still peeled off around 40-50 pounds and became crazy thin. Basically a skeleton. She’s 5’10” and 100-ish pounds. And sunshine, she absolutely needs sunshine. Like ten hours a day. A cloudy rain day, in her words feels like death.
They become completely different! Completely! 180 degree from the person you once knew. How they dress, treat others, see the world, their values, their family, they toss life long friends, find new friends (that understand them), and so on. They try anything and everything to dull their ceaseless torment.
My W looked different. Her face was grayish. Her eyes became shark-like, life-less. A crisis person’s mannerisms change. They even sound different. These are people dragged back to their moment(s) of long ago torment. A time and event that stunted their emotional growth, and one from which they now need to grow up from.
My W even displayed, remembered, spoke, like she was that old. They actually become that “age” again. One of her “ages” is from when her and I first started dating. During one of the kids visits, W brought up details of D’s 1977 Ford LTD 2 with zebra stripped seats, like it was yesterday. Because, for her it is/was. The kids saw their pod person Mom, reliving 30 years ago. I was not husband, I was boyfriend. She wasn’t married, she didn’t have kids, and so on. All while living with OM. The fragility of the mind is incredible.
When a person in crisis drops the bomb, those around them are usually quite unaware. Me and the kids spent weeks searching the internet looking to understand what the heck just happened to Mom. Brain tumour, stroke, infection, etc. To us she flipped a switch and became possessed by an alien. A loving wonderful mother of four, threw her kids away, burnt down her thriving childcare business, and ran off with the egg man.
A person in crisis, they are not the same person you always knew. Yet, the LBS sees them the same.
A crisis is rare. Unfortunately not that rare. Diagnosis really doesn’t change much for your path. The time lines become exceeding longer. And a crisis’ prognosis is much hazier.
One the hallmarks of a crisis is confusion. The MLCer will exhibit confusion. They have the memory of gnat at most times, and usually become terrible parents.
Like I said, your W is going through something. I hope and pray it’s a transition and she finds her way. A crisis is a horrible fate. A fate for which the seeds were planted long ago.
Either path requires time and space for her to process. Time and space she will take if not given.
From you initial post:
Originally Posted by MikeP
We have been married 25 years, together 33. We have 3 kids- D23, S17, & D13. They don't know about the other man. I feel as if I'm doing all the work, letting her off the hook for everything, and she won't help me get over it. She says she loves me and wants it to work. She hates conflict, hates talking about anything involving her emotions, and seems like a stranger at times.
Mike, I suspect her emotions are cranked to eleven, and she absolutely cannot handle anyone else’s feelings right now. It’s pretty common for one to hate talking about their feelings while being dragged about, for they really do not understand what’s happening.
Do not offer any diagnosis to her. She will rebel against it, and hate you for it. Keep pressure to zero. Your goal is to outlast this.
Nothing you do will matter, and everything you do will.
Be a man only a fool would leave.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Mike, we see a lot of these situations. Likely she is back because OM ended, not her. In other words you are plan B. She is not doing much to work on things because she is looking for her next plan A. It is all part of the WW playbook. You said she is depressed. She's likely going through withdrawals from OM. I know that stings to hear but it happened in my situation too.
If you're marriage was on solid ground and you started helping around the house then that would likely score points. Now it just makes you look desperate. Some would even say weak. For me, at a minimum, it isn't worthy of respect. And when it comes to WAWs/WWs commanding respect is the only way to become attractive to her again. And if you don't believe me then ask yourself how much OM was helping around the house during her PA? The answer is zero. You cannot do the dishes to a reconciliation.
Do what you want. But doing what comes natural and intuitively likely will get you back into another situation like before. Trying to fix every one of her "points of contention" will not work. Many LBSs have tried that approach only to end up D'd.
I'll shut up now. Others have your back here and I seemed to have upset you with my previous response. Everything I said there still applies. I did read your OP and many of the ones in between. I would just hate to see you become a Stepford husband when that has little chance of working.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you're marriage was on solid ground and you started helping around the house then that would likely score points. Now it just makes you look desperate. Some would even say weak. ....And if you don't believe me then ask yourself how much OM was helping around the house during her PA? The answer is zero.
This is a very insightful statement. Really contemplate this.
Accentuate the differences between the sexes. Do the manly things around the house and leave the womanly things for her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Mike, we see a lot of these situations. Likely she is back because OM ended, not her. In other words you are plan B. She is not doing much to work on things because she is looking for her next plan A. It is all part of the WW playbook. You said she is depressed. She's likely going through withdrawals from OM. I know that stings to hear but it happened in my situation too.
If you're marriage was on solid ground and you started helping around the house then that would likely score points. Now it just makes you look desperate. Some would even say weak. For me, at a minimum, it isn't worthy of respect. And when it comes to WAWs/WWs commanding respect is the only way to become attractive to her again. And if you don't believe me then ask yourself how much OM was helping around the house during her PA? The answer is zero. You cannot do the dishes to a reconciliation.
Do what you want. But doing what comes natural and intuitively likely will get you back into another situation like before. Trying to fix every one of her "points of contention" will not work. Many LBSs have tried that approach only to end up D'd.
I'll shut up now. Others have your back here and I seemed to have upset you with my previous response. Everything I said there still applies. I did read your OP and many of the ones in between. I would just hate to see you become a Stepford husband when that has little chance of working.
Steve, you did not upset me in the least. I appreciate your advice. I just disagree with some things you said. She came when I gave her an ultimatum-end it with him or I’ll start divorce proceedings, and I meant it. She came home the next day. She wasn’t happy about it, cried like she lost a family member. Seeing that effing hurt, I wanted to tell her to leave again. Honestly, I’m just doing what seems right. At first I absolutely was trying to nice her back, but it became apparent pretty quickly she didn’t care. I get what you’re saying, I do. I’m trying yo GAL as much as possible and stop worrying what she thinks about me. If she doesn’t want me, I’m trying to be the man someone else will want. Funny thing, the OM is a scrawny little dork with no style. She should be embarrassed.
