Am I wrong to not want her talking to men I don't know about our personal business, again?
Short answer: Yes
Moderately longer answer: Yes and no.
Let’s explore this:
First off, be accurate with what you are asking yourself. Your mind is listening.
“Am I wrong to not want her talking to men…”. Your wants are not wrong. You are free to want whatever you like. Action and words are what’s truly accountable.
By the way, it’s clearer - Am I wrong to not want her not talking to men…”. That is what you “not” want. I’m not being the grammar police here, it’s just muddying up the waters keeps your mind tangled for longer is all.
Now the real crux of this, remove your wants.
Is it wrong for her to talk to men I don’t know.
No.
She is free to talk whomever she wishes to. You do not get veto power. Nor control over that.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I know it's controlling but it's the exact scenario that led to the A.
Usually everything after “but” is one justifying what they already know is not the right path.
“I know it’s controlling but it's the exact scenario that led to the A.”
Originally Posted by MikeP
At work, another truck driver, I don't know him, and talking about our personal business.
Another truck driver. Similar behaviours. Doesn’t automatically mean similar results. You are being triggered to expect similar results.
She may stray, she may not. Nothing has changed from any other day. Knowing or not knowing she is speaking with men doesn’t really alter anything.
Personal business. It would be nice if she wasn’t blabbing about that. Again, cannot control what she does. If an opportunity arises you could ask her to use more discretion and not discuss your married life. That is much better than asking her to quit her job.
Regaining trust after its broken like in betrayal is a difficult road. So many questions and worries and doubts floating about. Look away from that, and deal with what is before you.
She needs to demonstrate trustworthiness to reestablish trust. That requires giving her the benefit of the doubt, to do that. You, the betrayed, have to extend the olive branch. And keep you heart soft and squishy, and focus on you, and GAL, and so on. I get it. You’re hurt and healing, and it’s unfair to be saddled with the lion’s share of this.
She, on her own accord, needs to walk away from the forbidden fruit. The more she’s told no, the more she’ll desire it.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Also, I'll say it for you- shut up and stop talking.
Lol.
You do not want to add pressure to her already addled mind.
Keep the questions for later. There will be a time for them. Interestingly, the burning questions you presently have, those answers you so are seeking - in time become less important. In fact, lots of this becomes just a blip on one’s radar. Eventually. The review mirror is small and the windshield is big. Where would you like to look most often?
Answers will present themselves when you are calm. And many of those meaningful answers are for questions you don’t even realize you have and are asking. A bit of a spoiler: The answers are more about you than her.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hopefully, in the light of a new day, you can see what happened logically. If you want a divorce on good terms, venting at her isn't the way to do it. If you want to reconcile, venting at her isn't the way to do it. Step off the autopilot path to a bitter divorce. It may have felt good in the moment to "let her have it", but this path will damage you in the long run.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Sitting in a gym full of people I know, we know, with another man. How could you humiliate me like that, etc.
Your wife's goal wasn't to humiliate you, for the little that's worth.
Take some perspective. How important are you to those people if nobody told you what was going on, if your wife wasn't too worried about any of them telling you what was going on? Sometimes we focus too much on the approval of random "others". I'm hosting a party on Christmas. It's the first time in my life I will have no family or partner on Christmas and I refuse to mope. Some who hear about it and on this forum will laugh. They are irrelevant. You know who matters? You, and your chosen family and friends. I'm sharing this because my admission might help you with that. (I do dabble in politics, so there are some exceptions in that realm, but it's amazing how quickly a scandal that is everything one season is completely forgotten about the next season.)
Originally Posted by Mike
I asked which of her friends were working out with her, she said neither of them were going. So I asked who she was going to work out with, one of the guys that are always there? She said maybe, why does it matter? Asked what I was accusing her of? Anyway, I told her I have a problem with her once again have relationships with guys at work that are of a personal nature and I have a problem with her working out with guys I don't know. I didn't get angry at first, I just tried to explain how I felt and why I thought it was wrong. She became defensive and angry so I responded with anger as well.
She doesn't know if she wants to keep trying or maybe separate. I'm against separating and told her as much but also acknowledged it's not my decision. Came home and she was very upset, crying saying she doesn't know how to move forward.
You control whether you create a hostile environment for her with controlling and angry behavior--driving her to want to be anywhere but nearby--or learn to manage your own emotions.
Originally Posted by Mike
I told her that I didn't want to talk anymore unless she had something left to say
You could stop talking, by stopping talking. This sounds like an attempt to persuade her to stop talking.
Originally Posted by Mike
I told her to just go and be happy, find whatever she's looking for. This went on for awhile with her telling me she doesn't want to leave, she just doesn't know what she wants.
Mike, this was not the worst possible outcome. If I were to propose your top priorities for today: (1) Get some rest, (2) Don't talk again until you're rested although listening and validating is great, (3) arrange to see a therapist this week to vent and learn emotional management. It sounds like going for exercise is helping but not enough for what you're going through.
Terrible weekend, all my fault. Lots of anger has been building up and unfortunately, I let some of it out Saturday.
You can't keep stuffing it down, but when and how you release it is in your control. It is important that you find a safe place to let out all your emotions. With your W is not safe RIGHT NOW. One of her needs is you being the calm one.
Go to the gym and pump out all your anger. Sit in your car in a parking lot and let out all your tears. Yell and scream in your car if needed. Crank the radio as you drive and feel all the emotions of the songs that come on.
When you are with W, calm and content. Do not think, just be present in the moment. Small talk is OK. No Big Talk. Treat this as a new relationship. You are dealing with a damaged human. We are all damaged humans. She is the same person she always was, you just see her different now. Do not let this cloud how you treat her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
First off, be accurate with what you are asking yourself. Your mind is listening.
“Am I wrong to not want her talking to men…”. Your wants are not wrong. You are free to want whatever you like. Action and words are what’s truly accountable.
By the way, it’s clearer - Am I wrong to not want her not talking to men…”. That is what you “not” want. I’m not being the grammar police here, it’s just muddying up the waters keeps your mind tangled for longer is all.
Now the real crux of this, remove your wants.
Is it wrong for her to talk to men I don’t know.
No.
She is free to talk whomever she wishes to. You do not get veto power. Nor control over that.
A lot of good advice, thanks everyone. It absolutely did not feel good to "let her have it". One of those moments where it just comes out, nothing good about it at all. I don't expect her to stop talking to other men, I just don't like the similarities in the men or talking about our personal stuff. I've never been a jealous person before this, I don't particularly care for it. I asked and didn't get the answer I wanted concerning the other men, that's what I like about the forum. Sometimes I need to told I'm wrong and I welcome it. Thanks again.
A lot of good advice, thanks everyone. It absolutely did not feel good to "let her have it". One of those moments where it just comes out, nothing good about it at all. I don't expect her to stop talking to other men, I just don't like the similarities in the men or talking about our personal stuff. I've never been a jealous person before this, I don't particularly care for it. I asked and didn't get the answer I wanted concerning the other men, that's what I like about the forum. Sometimes I need to told I'm wrong and I welcome it. Thanks again.
Mike, DBing is about self control. Letting someone have it and that it just came out means you have a 180 opportunity. A goal should be that you never do anything that you don't make a conscious decision to do. You cannot DB without being in total control. DBing is counter-intuitive, and therefore just letting yourself do something probably will not be something you should do.
Now that's all easier said than done. Which is why you strive to do the best you can, and understand you will slip up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She is the same person she always was, you just see her different now.
Such a subtle yet profound little nugget of a sentence. Take some time to think about this concept.
I have a hard time with this. She seems like a totally different person. Not just towards me, but her outlook on life and how she treats other people now. Probably she is very depressed and that is why. Sometimes I wonder who she is. She even looks different at times, or maybe I'm crazy.
