You are 8 months in and have let go the stereotypical ego driven problems. You have, and are, making good progress.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I can usually shut it down but the damage is done.
And healing is happening.
I do hope you realize that.
kml’s suggested strategies do work. The stop sign is a conscious controlled by you mechanism to halt unwanted runaway or wandering thoughts.
And I can attest to the movie analogy. For me, watching the same imagined movie over and over of W and OM, basically just got boring. It’s a more subconscious influence type resolution.
Of course this all goes hand in hand with detachment, indifference, letting go, and so on. We heal on multiple fronts simultaneously.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Terrible weekend, all my fault. Lots of anger has been building up and unfortunately, I let some of it out Saturday. We were at d13's basketball game and at some point my wife was talking about the game her and d13 watched last winter before d was old enough to play high school ball, she's still in middle school. That was when she took d to the game and met the OM there. I of course was instantly pissed that she would bring that up, and she could tell by the look on my face. She kept asking what was wrong but there were people around so I just said nothing. Finally she asked when we were alone and I let her have it. Basically asking how she could possibly bring that up to me. Telling her it was maybe the most hurtful thing she had done and she did it multiple times, using d13 as a means to meet him. Sitting in a gym full of people I know, we know, with another man. How could you humiliate me like that, etc. We went home and I left for a couple of hours. Went on a long hike. She was understandably still upset when I got back. I apologized for blowing up but asked how she thought it would be ok to bring that up. We talked awhile and smoothed things over as best we could and actually went to lunch together before d's later game that night. Yesterday morning started out fine until she started getting ready for the gym. I asked which of her friends were working out with her, she said neither of them were going. Btw, it's a crossfit gym but she does bootcamp style work outs instead of crossfit. So I asked who she was going to work out with, one of the guys that are always there? She said maybe, why does it matter? Asked what I was accusing her of? She had also told me Friday she was talking to a truck driver at work about our son. He told her about a place he knew that was hiring. The OM was originally a truck driver at her work when they started the A, he's now in the warehouse where she is. Anyway, I told her I have a problem with her once again have relationships with guys at work that are of a personal nature and I have a problem with her working out with guys I don't know. They almost always partner up to do the work outs, it's not like they are just in the same building working out. The thought of her once again talking about our personal life to another guy at work is unacceptable. It's the exact scenario as before. Her having male friends that I don't know seems unacceptable at this point. These aren't friends she knew before me. I didn't get angry at first, I just tried to explain how I felt and why I thought it was wrong. She became defensive and angry so I responded with anger as well. I left again and went for a short hike with my son and our dog. She ended up not going to the gym but left for a couple of hours after s17 went to work. D13 was gone all day at my sisters house. I cleaned house like a madman trying to burn off my anger and nervous energy. We talked for a bit when she got home. She doesn't know if she wants to keep trying or maybe separate. I'm against separating and told her as much but also acknowledged it's not my decision. I went out for a couple of hours to watch basketball and have some dinner and drinks. Came home and she was very upset, crying saying she doesn't know how to move forward. I once again reiterated that I want to make things work and am not in favor of separating. I told her that I didn't want to talk anymore unless she had something left to say and that in my opinion we can't move forward until she figures out what she wants. Not done yet unfortunately. I went to bed while she watched tv. Woke up around midnight and she was still in the living room watching tv. I got up to get a drink. Sat down next to her and proceeded to have an emotional melt down. It just came over me like a wave and I couldn't stop. I told her that I was tired of hurting her and tired of seeing her so unhappy all the time. I told her to just go and be happy, find whatever she's looking for. This went on for awhile with her telling me she doesn't want to leave, she just doesn't know what she wants. I cried like a freaking baby and just kept telling her go and get away from me that I deserve to be alone and she deserves to be happy. I don't know where that came from, I've never really felt that way before but I just had this overwhelming feeling of being a pos and hating myself. Not my finest moment. I finally calmed down and she came to bed with me, around 3 am. Had to be up for work at 4:30, so that sucked. I don't know what happens next. I'll get back on track today, I hope I haven't screwed it up even worse.
Mikey P I feel like you know where you went wrong so I don't think there is a need to rehash it except to say pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse.
A long term goal for you to look into is learning to control your emotions. It's a game changer for men.
Sorry man. At times this is quite a turbulent path. Plenty of emotions will get stirred up.
Originally Posted by MikeP
It just came over me like a wave and I couldn't stop.
Denial Mike. Perfectly normal and healthy.
As we heal, we pull “old” bandages off. This often rips open some unrealized underlying deeper part of the wound. Stuff we denied ourselves.
Denial is a protective mechanism of our psyche. For if everything was thrust upon us all at once we’d just break. So, our minds ignore some things until one is healed enough to start to process it. Then begins anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance of said “part” of the whole.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Lots of anger has been building up and unfortunately, I let some of it out Saturday.
Anger is normal. Letting it out is normal. The unfortunate part is how you let it out. You now realize and know how your feelings are building. Find safe and controlled mechanisms and time and place to purge the anger from you. It has to come out. That’s healthy and needed. Do it on your terms and time, when and where you can.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I told her that I was tired of hurting her and tired of seeing her so unhappy all the time. I told her to just go and be happy, find whatever she's looking for. This went on for awhile with her telling me she doesn't want to leave, she just doesn't know what she wants.
Tired of “hurting her”. Interesting wording. Do you feel (or think, or believe) you are hurting her. If so, how? What can you do to cease that, or limit that?
My first read of your post, I read “tired of hurting”. As in you are tired of hurting. Interesting that your focus during that conversation was elsewhere.
Mike, when you stop hurting inside, you’ll not “hurt” her. That’s the path. Deal with you and your stuff. That’s within your control. The rest is influenced from that which you shine. Find your light. Let it shine.
I find your emotional meltdown to be one of the finer moment, IMHO. Certainly not to be displayed daily or weekly. However, it’s open vulnerable honest.
The outcome was interestingly positive. W says she isn’t looking to leave. Says she doesn’t know what she wants. But she implies she knows leaving isn’t it. So, no more giving her ideas, or leading her along that path / line of thought.
Originally Posted by MikeP
We were at d13's basketball game and at some point my wife was talking about the game her and d13 watched last winter before d was old enough to play high school ball, she's still in middle school. That was when she took d to the game and met the OM there. I of course was instantly pissed that she would bring that up…
A couple of things.
You got instantly upset. Resolve that. You are captain of your ship. Heart and soul. Steer yourself away from the rocks and find the calmer waters. See IC if that works for you. Be specific with what bothers you regarding OM. Not with W! With yourself, or IC, or here. Not with W! And work through it.
It’s normal to get upset and angry. Life throws stuff at us all the time. You can control / influence your emotions. The control part is forcibly shifting your focus elsewhere and not letting your mind and emotions run off. You can control (mostly) when you let the anger out.
Feelings are fleeting. They are temporary and require reinforcement to remain present and active. Once you resolve your underlying reinforcement regarding OM and all that, the triggered emotions dissolve.
A far less pressing example is the person who cuts you off in traffic. Sure one can get mad, or one can shrug and let it go. Feelings do flit usually within a minute, when one doesn’t flame the flames.
Beliefs are different. Long term reinforcement and thoughts and actions turn temporary feelings into a deep conviction. Ensure your beliefs are ones that serve you.
Last year’s game is in the past. The immutable past. W cannot take it back. I know you wish it didn’t happen, however you and her can only go forward. How? Well that is actually, partly up to you. Lead and shine.
W will also test you. She will test to see if you have forgiven her, how you feel regarding her past behaviour, see if your changes are real or a ploy, and such. Sometimes she will do this knowingly, however most of the time it is a subconscious thing. She won’t know why she brought something up. Part of her processing too.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Telling her it was maybe the most hurtful thing she had done and she did it multiple times, using d13 as a means to meet him. Sitting in a gym full of people I know, we know, with another man. How could you humiliate me like that, etc.
I do understand and empathize. I was once right where you are. Realize she humiliated herself more. Not you. I get that you feel humiliated, yet are you really? Think about that. Stop blaming you for her behaviours. It’s pretty common for the cheated to blame themselves for their spouse to stray. That’s is quite a mess of tangled feelings and triggers and such to work through. Believe me, once you sort that out, you’ll feel better, and be better.
As for the gym full of people you and her know. Don’t sweat it. (Presently, easier said than done.) Folks really don’t watch her or you that much. They got their own life and problems.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Came home and she was very upset, crying saying she doesn't know how to move forward. I once again reiterated that I want to make things work and am not in favor of separating. I told her that I didn't want to talk anymore unless she had something left to say and that in my opinion we can't move forward until she figures out what she wants.
Mike, next time, do not tell her such things. Just validate. She shared her feelings and her fears. Say, “I’m sorry you are upset”. You could add something like, I believe we can move forward. We don’t need to know exactly how right this moment.
Ultimatums will not work. She is looking for her path. Got to give her the time and space to do so. Elsewise, she will just take it.
She is still there. Be supportive (not combative) when she is opening up. She has to lead her path. On her time. Your job is your path.
Anyhow, you’ve said your piece. And cleared the air somewhat. No need to tell her again.
I’m sure you do not feel good about Saturday’s encounter. Letting her have it isn’t going to wake her up any faster. Focus on you. Be better, not bitter. Work towards understanding, compassion, empathy, acceptance, and forgiveness. No need to worry about her path, she is watching. Shine.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks, DnJ again for being so supportive and providing some clarity. A couple of things- what I meant was that by acting the way I did this weekend and in prior convo's I hurt her. She cannot deal with conflict and gets extremely upset when I'm angry or the conversation is difficult. I am tired of hurting too, not enough to through in the towel though. I guess I got so upset because she just so casually brought something she did with him, like it was no big deal. I know that's no excuse and I did apologize for it. I probably didn't get that last part across correctly. I let her finish and we talked a little more at which point I said I didn't want to keep talking unless she had something else to say. It probably sounded like I cut her short and was rude, it wasn't like that. Am I wrong to not want her talking to men I don't know about our personal business, again? I know it's controlling but it's the exact scenario that led to the A. At work, another truck driver, I don't know him, and talking about our personal business. I'm aware she wouldn't tell about it if something was going on. She used to talk about the other guy as well, until the A started and then she didn't. Also, I'll say it for you- shut up and stop talking.
Am I wrong to not want her talking to men I don't know about our personal business, again? I know it's controlling but it's the exact scenario that led to the A.
You are not wrong Mikey P but right now is not the time to be applying any pressure. If she is going to cheat she is going to cheat. You are going to eventually need to deal with the affair and heal from it down the road if you want a marriage 2.0.
Am I wrong to not want her talking to men I don't know about our personal business, again? I know it's controlling but it's the exact scenario that led to the A.
You are not wrong Mikey P but right now is not the time to be applying any pressure. If she is going to cheat she is going to cheat. You are going to eventually need to deal with the affair and heal from it down the road if you want a marriage 2.0.
I don't know that she will ever be willing to deal with it. Maybe if she seriously choses to stay together and start 2.0. I know that right now she's dealing with the sh!t in her head and isn't in a place to deal with it. Time will tell.
