Yes T, the climbing niece is here. It’s been fun hanging out with all three nieces and my sister. This morning we sat around over morning coffee telling stories of all the psychic experiences family members have had.
Today I’m taking it easy at the pool, nursing a strained rib from Sunday which needs to heal up before our horseback riding later this week. I’ve also reached 100 consecutive days of Korean practice in Duolingo. This is the first time I’ve tried to learn a foreign alphabet (I speak Spanish and some German) and it is finally starting to click in. Great brain exercise.
Well, the rib turned out to be fractured I’m pretty sure (I fractured three ribs once in a snowboarding fall so I’m familiar with the feeling). Had to pass on the horseback riding because of it but was able to still do most everything else on our trip, which was great.
Spa Guy is still in touch through texting. I told him that I had thought once I was back from all this traveling that I would offer to come see him, but that this rib fracture has me out of commission until next month. He was receptive, ( in a typical Love Avoidant way), to the idea of me coming to see him in December. Although his reply took several hours and was simply something along the lines of “that’s very kind of you”, the next day he initiated a conversation about favorite love songs, and sent me a couple by Damien Rice (Accidental Babies, I Remember) with lovely lyrics. He also reminded me of something about our first date 11 or 12 years ago which I had forgotten.
I was also reminded of what a tender-hearted guy he is. The new Netflix show From Scratch came up . I warned him that I had just watched it and that it could be a bit triggering for those of us who had nursed cancer patients, although I liked it. As soon as he heard that it involved the husband getting cancer he wanted NO part of watching it. (Many years ago he cared for his older sister while she was dying of cancer).
I guess overall I am reminded of why I liked him so much, despite his Love Avoidant limitations, and why I cared enough to keep reaching out despite him ghosting me for so long. And it dawned on me that perhaps the ghosting lasted so long because he couldn’t take hearing what I was dealing with caring for CMM since he’s still so traumatized by caregiving his sister.
(Not that I was regaling him with stories of CMMs cancer, but I did mention in the beginning that the new guy I was dating had just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. )
Btw, lyrics from one of the two songs Spa Guy sent me the other day - I Remember, Damien Rice. And for context, the line "I remember December"? FWIW, our first two dates many years ago were in December - the second date was actually Christmas eve- Christmas morning. He would remember that.
I remember it well The first time that I saw Your head around the door 'Cause mine stopped working I remember it well There was wet in your hair I was stood in the stairs And time stopped moving
I want you here tonight I want you here 'Cause I can't believe what I found Oh, and you're here and I want you here Nothing is taking me down, down, down
I remember it well Taxied out of a storm To watch you perform And my ships were sailing I remember it well I was stood in your line And your mouth, your mouth, your mind
I want you here tonight I want you here 'Cause I can't believe what I found Oh, and you're here and I want you here Nothing is taking me down, down, down Except you my love Except you my love
Come all ye lost Dive into moss I hope that my sanity covers the cost To remove the stain of my love Paper mach? Come all ye reborn Blow off my horn I'm driving real hard This is love, this is porn God will forgive me But I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn I want to hear what you have to say about me Hear if you're gonna live without me I want to hear what you want I remember December And I want to hear what you have to say about me Hear if you're gonna live without me I want to hear what you want What the hell do you want?
KML, sorry it turned out to be a fracture. I'll trust your judgment on that.
Makes sense that hearing about CMM would trigger him if he was a caregiver for a sister who passed away from cancer. Spa Guy has good taste in women AND music. Sounds truly promising if he weren't avoidant! I wonder if it's something he's working on? Attachment styles are formed in childhood, but when we're aware of our tendencies, we can push back against them. I'm slowly going through an online course on my attachment style--ironically while I'm single, unattached, and not looking!
Honestly, T, I don't know the answer to your question. I would say, at this age (he's a few years younger than me, can't remember exactly how many, he's maybe 60-62 now?) that the likelihood of change for HIM is small. I mean, he lived with exactly one woman in his life many years ago and that ended fairly quickly and very badly, with someone throwing the other person's stuff off a balcony.
On the other hand, because I had just come out of dating two confusing Love Avoidant guys in a row, and had finally learned about Love Avoidants, I took him at his word when he said in the beginning that he didn't DO relationships, so I never pursued him or tried to change that. I still think that was the right choice, but honestly, hearing that the Love Avoidant guy that I dated just before I met Spa Guy actually got married a few months ago made me reflect on my dating history throughout my life. It may be true that I give up too easily on guys who might come around if given a little more time. It's also possible that that is just healthy boundaries on my part.
Anyway - since I don't feel up to the whole dating process with someone new anytime soon, I will go visit Spa Guy next month. He's a sexy friend who is clearly quite fond of me, but not likely to have changed his stance on monogamy or relationships. I'm okay with accepting him as he is. And if he wants to change anything about that, he will have time to make himself clear, as I won't be jumping back into the dating pool anytime soon.
Btw T, that’s great that you’re doing that course in attachment styles. My BFF who has studied these things says I have a secure attachment style. I guess Love Avoidants often end up with anxious attachment types, although it’s not a healthy dynamic.
If anyone wants a chuckle, check out the music video for Switch to Me with Rain and JYP (you will have to look around on youtube for a version with English subtitles - the one I have is titled Rain (Duet with JYP)-Switch to Me [DIALOGOS] MV (sub espanol l Sub english l Roma l Hangul) HD .
Very funny music video starring a very famous Korean singer/actor Rain (You may have seen him star in the Wachowski Bros movie Ninja Assassin years ago) and singer/famous Korean music producer JYP. The storyline of the music video is two guys trying to convince this beautiful woman that she should dump her boyfriend and go out with one of them, since even though they don't know her boyfriend, he couldn't be good enough for her. The two guys are competing against each other - Rain with his looks and hot body, JYP with his wealth and power.
Spoiler alert - in the end, her boyfriend shows up and she leaves with him instead - and it's Psy! (Famous for the song Gangnam Style, and not a handsome guy at all).
It's just very well done and fun. And the song is catchy.
