How do you know? Not much to agree on unless you are talking about personal property.
I guess that’s true. The only real debate will be over the parenting plan. Everything else is pretty much calculated for us from what I understand. Not much negotiation.
Originally Posted by ”LH19”
Why doesn't she stay with mom until then?.
I think my wording may have been misleading. W wants to have all of us stay together in the same house, even after D, until our daughter goes to college. IHS is weird enough to me while we’re married. It makes even less sense to me after D. If you don’t want to be with me, and have options of places to stay, even if slightly inconvenient, then just leave. Don’t stick around for another 10 months pretending we’re friends.
Originally Posted by ”LH19”
Do you want to keep the house?.
I want to but see no feasible way to buy her out of the mortgage. It gained too much equity the past couple of years. I called the bank to get refi costs. That doesn’t work at all. L mentioned trying to get a HELOC, but said after child/spousal support and paying bills on one income, I’d probably have nothing left over. I just accepted that D would mean selling the house. I will revisit my options and see if something works, but yes, I would like to keep the house if at all possible. My mortgage payment is less than small apartments in the area right now. New home prices are so crazy that taking the equity and buying a new home would both increase my mortgage and put me in a small starter home again. I guess that’s the reality of D.
This is a huge step in my life, and isn't something that I am prepared to rush through. I haven't made the decision to just consult, or hire a lawyer to protect myself. I will make that decision after I have time to process and review your petition.
She says she has a right to know so she is not blindsided and has time to prepare.
She’d like to know. She doesn’t have a right to know.
Originally Posted by DW17
I haven't spoken to the L yet other than the initial consultation, so if I do respond, I could say I do not have one at this time and would like to avoid it....
I don't know. I hate this.
Fear is entangling. Fear is paralyzing. Fear’s tentacles run deep. Fear is about what might happen.
I do not think you’d like to avoid seeing a lawyer. You’d like to avoid this situation and what might happen. And that is fear. Utilizing a lawyer will provide guidance and answers which removes many of those possible outcome and does plenty to assuage one’s fear.
If W is feeling guilty, she may be inclined to offer a better settlement. Lots of folks do. Having her pursue that through a lawyer is best. Her offer is much more ironclad that way. If you send a terrible lopsided in you favour settlement in to the courts without both having legal counsel it is very likely to get rejected. And that puts you and W months further along, months in which she will have grown less guilty.
Remember this is a business deal gone sideways. Treat it as such. And that is about the best boundary there is.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You're correct DnJ, I do not want to avoid having an L. I just want to avoid her knowing I'm getting guidance from one. I think it would be stupid not to utilize a lawyer, unless W and I negotiate terms that I feel are favorable to me. This is the biggest decision I’ll make in my life.
I think W’s friend who wanted out of her marriage and negotiated without a L may have gotten the short end of the stick in her D. I haven’t spoken to her ex since their D last year since she was still good friends with my W (had to pick a side basically), but I may reach out to him now with some questions.
I decided on responding with a simple "I would prefer to handle this between us if possible." It's not a lie, as I would like to handle things between us...if I get a favorable result.
I haven't spoken to the L yet other than the initial consultation, so if I do respond, I could say I do not have one at this time and would like to avoid it....
I don't know. I hate this.
Fear is entangling. Fear is paralyzing. Fear’s tentacles run deep. Fear is about what might happen.
I do not think you’d like to avoid seeing a lawyer. You’d like to avoid this situation and what might happen. And that is fear. Utilizing a lawyer will provide guidance and answers which removes many of those possible outcome and does plenty to assuage one’s fear.
I sensed the fear in your "I don't know. I hate this." comment. I empathize with you here as I definitely went through the same feelings...not knowing "exactly the right way" to respond for the best outcome. It's better if you're able to let go and realize the precise words or tactics aren't necessarily change the ultimate outcome. Try not to get paralyzed by the specifics and instead let go of control and release your fears and accept the journey. You will be alright no matter what.
Originally Posted by DW17
If W is feeling guilty, she may be inclined to offer a better settlement. Lots of folks do.
My L advised the same thing - that the best offer usually comes early while the guilt is strong and better any bitterness over negotiations builds. A lot of times the LBS is not ready for this speed and struggles to let go, preventing a better "business" outcome. DnJ perhaps got the quickest / best "business" outcome in the history of divorce...so he speaks from experience.
Originally Posted by DW17
I decided on responding with a simple "I would prefer to handle this between us if possible." It's not a lie, as I would like to handle things between us...if I get a favorable result.
W responded "Okay, just making sure."
Good approach IMO. Also, notice how your fears on this from just a short while disappeared with her response - it wasn't as bad as you worried it might be.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
