Living with a WAW 2

[Ready2Change]

R2C, you seem like an expert in the boundary field.

Henry Cloud is the expert. His book is number 5 of my recommended books.


Boundaries are actions you take to protect yourself. You can (but do not need to) state them to others to let them know how you will behave if they cross them.

[DW17]

Thanks Mach. That post from 9/24 was one of my favorites that I've seen here. I'll keep referring back to it.

R2C, using your guideline I get this:

"I think there were some misunderstandings last night so I’ll try to clarify my thoughts a bit. It is frustrating that you don’t see the disrespect I feel and it hurts that our marriage has gotten to this point. I understand that you’ve felt trapped and I’ve expressed that you are free to leave as we both deserve to be happy. I will not stand in your way. I know this doesn’t line up with my words from July. This is a process for me as well. I do appreciate everything you have done for me in the past. I worry about things having a negative effect on the kids, so when I mentioned setting a schedule for D4, the intent is to make sure she gets quality time with both of us. I believe that splitting household duties will provide expectations that will allow each of us some time and space.”

Not sure if I’ll send it or not. I tried to think of my actual feelings instead of just using your template, but you hit them pretty square. I’m hesitant to include the last sentence as it may lead to W thinking I don’t think she should leave. I’ll think on it some more the next hour and decide whether to send it. We’ll both be home by that time.

[Kind18]

She frequently mentions that she puts me first

I’m with LH19.

Your wife is a real piece of work. I can’t stand her behaviour, her gaslighting and her victimisation. It makes me sick.

In five years time, you’re going to read these messages again and realise how much she was screwing you over.

Someone who is having an affair with another man, but then says she always has to put you first - that’s garden variety mental abuse.

Don’t respond to her message under any circumstances. She is trying to get a rise out of you. She wants to see you react. She will become more and more desperate to maintain control over you.

Completely ignore her message and continue with your GAL activities.

You might not be able to throw her out on the street, but you can collect all her stuff from upstairs when she is out, and put it downstairs where she sleeps.

You are just like I was DW17. Because you’re a gentle and sensitive guy, you’ve allowed yourself to become controlled by this angry, manipulative, cheating woman. Don’t live in fear and weakness of what she will do.

[Ready2Change]

Not sure if I’ll send it or not. I tried to think of my actual feelings instead of just using your template, but you hit them pretty square. I’m hesitant to include the last sentence as it may lead to W thinking I don’t think she should leave. I’ll think on it some more the next hour and decide whether to send it. We’ll both be home by that time.

I am on the don't send it side of the fence since she is actively involved with OM.


Ignoring doesn't help your growth. I believe writing out the response helps you process. Then you don't send. You then have words ready for future interactions if needed.

[Ready2Change]

I am disappointed that our marriage has gotten to this point. I am sorry that it did not work out.

These are very import. I did not see them in your revision.

You have to let go. Accept that it did not work out.

[Ready2Change]

You are just like I was DW17. Because you’re a gentle and sensitive guy, you’ve allowed yourself to become controlled by this angry, manipulative, cheating woman. Don’t live in fear and weakness of what she will do.

Most of us transformed from the gentle sensitive guy.



Face your fear and slay the dragon. (Listen to some jordan peterson)

[Kind18]

Face your fear and slay the dragon.

Exactly.

Her message when she tries to blame the failure of the marriage on DW17 and not that she’s a cheat and a liar - that makes me feel physically sick.

She is a master of manipulation. A bully. A cheat - who when forced to face some of the realities of her decisions (must find somewhere else to live), attempts to play the victim.

Run, and run FAST away from this woman. She will never, EVER change.

I’ve been there, done that, got the souvenir - and it was the biggest waste of time. Even a psychologist or psychiatrist is unlikely to be able to fundamentally change her as a person.

Every minute on this earth that you waste trying to wake up or change her, hanging onto what she used to be, hoping she will become a good person - is a waste of your life.

Get out there. Don’t be afraid of divorce. Live every day like it’s your last, because I promise you, you will look back one day with regret that you wasted valuable time trying to help this cruel, manipulative person.

And as usual, LH19 has been right on the money since the start of your thread - DO NOT validate a cheater. Validation is not for cheats. It just makes you weaker.

“The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour.”

[BL42]

DW17,

Regarding the "talk" you two had last night...

Well, I kind of fumbled that whole situation last night. When I got home, W was upset that I had been ignoring her calls and texts all day. I allowed myself to get stuck in a conversation I wasn't 100% ready for.

Imo, other posters took it soft on you where they could've given you a 2x4.

Several posters advised you NOT to have a talk with her, and instead take action - now you know the result.

Remember one of the key rules of DB'ing is no R talks, no fighting, no pressure.

IHS is incredibly difficult, and these concepts are counter intuitive and not easy, so give yourself some grace but do better next time.

Do not ask for any talks. Avoid any engagement. If you absolutely have to just listen and validate, don't argue or debate.

Regarding her text to you...

"I've been thinking a lot and I will no longer let you control me or take anymore of my happiness from me. I have done nothing wrong and I am not disrespectful to you and have done nothing but put you before myself always. I think it is pathetic u tried to kick me out of the house and it really shows the man that you are after trapping me for so long. I am going to be seeing a new therapist because I need to hear it is ok for me to choose me without thinking of you all the time."

Listen to the experienced posters advice and Do not respond at all. There is no question in there. Nothing about child or financial business. And quite frankly most of it is WS script.

Best choice : No direct questions from her. No answer.

Don’t respond to her message under any circumstances. She is trying to get a rise out of you. She wants to see you react. She will become more and more desperate to maintain control over you.

Don't play the game....

Your wife is LYING to you. Your wife is GASLIGHTING you. Don't believe that WS BS she's spewing your way.

Married women (or men) are NOT supposed to go out drinking all night and stay over at a "friends" house on the regular. Maybe she wanted you to have a higher paying job or communicate better. Woah to her. SHE is the one running around town like a spoiled teenager with a husband and a 4yo daughter at home. Don't let her convince you that you're the reason she's not happy or you are the main problem in the marriage.

Time to stand up for yourself. No more "talks", not more texts or calls. Just action.

My vote is with Kind18:

Wait until next time she sees OM. Move all her stuff downstairs. Send her a text - “I want to make this marriage work, but you don’t. I respect your choices. I would prefer you find somewhere else to live. My lawyer will be in touch.” And no discussions. Don’t answer her call, her text, don’t talk to her. You engage, you lose.

[BL42]

DW17,

One thing I wanted to circle back on is your W's childhood trauma:

W had most kinds of childhood trauma you can imagine. Alcoholic/drug addict parents, dad in and out of jail, kept getting sent to foster homes where she was molested, raped/molested by an uncle (who recently went to jail for murder a few weeks before W gave me BD), dad committed suicide, moved in with different aunt/uncle, with her brother. They raised her and she calls them mom/dad, had a bunch of kids in the house, brother got kicked out of the house due to being a difficult child and sent to live hours away, molested by sibling in her new home, kicked out of this home and sent hours away last year of high school, then moved in with me. She is not in contact with bio mom and talks to brother a couple times a year. Sibling who molested lives across the country. The remaining family she associates with are all good people.

So yeah, a lot going on there and it's horrible. I knew most of this early on, but didn't comprehend the amount of pain this would cause her and what exactly I needed to do to help. W went to therapy as a kid, but never while we've been together. W always just blocked it out and said she was fine. As someone who has done the same thing with events from my past (alcoholic mom and my W's PA), I know that you can't just ignore these things.

As you're hearing her blame you for all her unhappiness and everything wrong in her life, it's vitally important you remember...

1) People's bad actions towards you are a reflection of their character, not yours.

2) Often times the WS's journey is so much more about them than the LBS.

Your W is likely dealing with deep seeded issues you could not possibly be responsible for. Please keep that in mind when she lies and gaslights you. Certainly reflect on the areas you need to improve as an individual and a partner, but also don't buy into the narrative she's trying to convince you of and shoulder all the blame.

[BL42]

DW17,

Now for the good stuff...

If you are sleeping well you may be detaching so that is good.

Oftentimes, how one sleeps is a good feedback/indicator of how they are doing.

I’ve been sleeping well for a few weeks now with the exception of Wed night. I have a fitbit that tracks my sleep.

Sleep is so important, and I agree it shows progress. I remember back to post-BD and IHS were I was barely sleeping at night, exhausted & spinning, fear of losing my family and worried about what would happen. When I started getting adequate rest it made a big difference. Glad to hear you're sleeping better.

I hit my weight goal this morning and I feel good about my weight loss now (80 lbs total), so I’m going to focus on building strength and cardio.

That's incredible! Keep up the good work. Some of that is post-BD diet for sure - many folks have a backslide in 6 months or a year - so really commit yourself to making it a lifelong change going forward. Healthier, better looking, and more confident...all help in the attraction arena.

D4 has been requesting gumbo for dinner every day because she saw it in a movie, so I’m making that tonight. We’re also doing some holiday crafts I found and having our Friday movie night.

Excellent! Love it. Cooking gumbo for her, holiday crafts, and a movie? You're making memories...

I signed up for a 10k that’s on Thanksgiving.

SMART Goal - specific, measurable, actionable, relevant, and timebound.

Saturday is full with 3 soccer games and a Halloween party.

Sounds like my weekend! Enjoy!

Good stuff on the GAL DW. Keep it up. You'll be fine.