Boundary's after big D

[Mach40]

I have been reading a wealth of older forum threads here. Many are the guidelines, quotes, Sandis stuff etc..
I can say I was the main problem within our marriage, if I have already stated that.
And after seeing over and over the same recommendations of what to do to leave a person in a relationship when it has got to a point of Not fixing, that my ex followed almost all of it. Scary, as she may have been on this site getting advice, as it much of it, GAL, detachment, 180, etc etc she did. As best she could.. Thats just my thoughts.
So she had a few years head start, and it seems to have worked for her.
I envy her in that drive she had.
Not a sympathy speak here, just an observation. Cant really go into more detail than what I see via the threads here.
Its easier when you know there is not going to be a reconcile, and you dont want one. Sometimes we get confused and are in love with a vision of what she/he was..But when you analyze and analyze, and try to remember bad and good, its amazing what you can remember..
I am moving on, its liberating, like turning your cell phone off for a few days while camping..

[LH19]

This board can get you stuck if you let it. Yes; I often say there is so much suffering on this board because everyone here is in love with a fantasy. They want their spouse/ex to be something they are not and that brings a lot of pain.

[Mach40]

Very true LH.. What causes us to think someone should be something they are not? If we both worked to appreciate who each other is, life would be better. You have seen those couples, especially older ones.
For my kids sake, I will always paint an awesome picture of their Mother, and now Grandma. No speaking ill of her.
I am writing pros/cons of what I can remember. 32 years total time knowing her. I have allot of reason to envision her as something, and yet, it turned out different. Definitely not all her fault, as we failed as a couple.

[Mach40]

I know my story is very one sided, and I hope most people see there is more to it.
One thing that is very difficult after divorce, besides all the unanswered questions as to why it happened never seem to go away, is a path to walk..
I am a very organized person, for the most part. I wont start a task till I am 100% ready and have covered all issues that may occur.
I waited and waited for ex to come back.. I have a theory, that things always work out for me.
Maybe her not coming back is what was needed. Time will tell, if it matters.
So, how to survive the big D. Many many suggestions, and experience.
GAL, hobbies, health, ...
Is there a actual journey written showing a person doing this?

[LH19]

Very true LH.. What causes us to think someone should be something they are not? If we both worked to appreciate who each other is, life would be better. You have seen those couples, especially older ones.

Google stages of marriage. "disillusionment and distraction" is they key stage where most marriages end. If you can get through that stage most will morph into acceptance.

For my kids sake, I will always paint an awesome picture of their Mother, and now Grandma. No speaking ill of her.

Very mature attitude Mach.

I am writing pros/cons of what I can remember. 32 years total time knowing her. I have allot of reason to envision her as something, and yet, it turned out different. Definitely not all her fault, as we failed as a couple.

This "fooling yourself" phenomenon is a lot of what goes on -- you fall in love with who you want the person to be versus who they really are. Over time, your veneer gets stripped away, you see them for who they really are and it’s no longer acceptable.

I know my story is very one sided, and I hope most people see there is more to it.

I have only seen a couple cases here where the LBS blames everything on the WS.

One thing that is very difficult after divorce, besides all the unanswered questions as to why it happened never seem to go away, is a path to walk..

It is tough especially when you know that two people working together on something as important as major and family is very accomplishable.

I waited and waited for ex to come back.. I have a theory, that things always work out for me.

Her not coming back may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Too early to tell. Plus she still may comeback.

Is there a actual journey written showing a person doing this?

Lot's of people write their journey on here. Some have great stories and adventures some are still stuck in the same place several years later. Which person do you want to be?

[Mach40]

LH19, you are very wise. Sandis story was a great story I really read about.
Any other that you may know is close to mine? I was the major cause of it, and yet I never saw it. Was very comfortable in my mind set thinking everything would just magically work out, with zero real effort.
I now have a major tool box of items to make a marriage/relationship work. Not full proof, but serious assistance to make it work out.

[Mach40]

I have only seen a couple cases here where the LBS blames everything on the WS.
[quote=Mach40]
Lot's of people write their journey on here. Some have great stories and adventures some are still stuck in the same place several years later. Which person do you want to be?

I want to be a contributor to people in my same state.. Journeys like this is where a person needs guidance. Experience is the best guidance to learn from.

[LH19]

Any other that you may know is close to mine? I was the major cause of it, and yet I never saw it. Was very comfortable in my mind set thinking everything would just magically work out, with zero real effort.

You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a dudes story is not the same. It's the little things with women. Listening, small acts of appreciation, leading. Keep doing those things and they can't get enough of you. Stop doing those things and they can't wait to see you go. Hard lessons are the ones that sick my friend.

[kml]

I have a theory, that things always work out for me.
Maybe her not coming back is what was needed.

I fought like mad against the ending of my 24 year marriage. But now I wouldn’t go back and change it.

I learned to play the drums. I formed an amateur pop punk band and played with them for over five years. I learned to play glockenspiel and vibraphone. I toured several times with my best friend who is a professional singer songwriter and have met many famous musicians through her. I played on her last album.

I used to travel with my ex to fancy resorts while he gave medical lectures. Now I am the one giving medical lectures in my field and staying in fancy resorts.

Every man I have dated since my divorce has valued me more than my ex. While many of those relationships didn’t work out for one reason or another, they have all remained my good friends. I’ve had better sex with handsomer men since my divorce than at any point in my life, even better than my single twenties.

My relationships with my three adult kids are close and they tell me they love me all the time.

My post-divorce home is comfortable and decorated to my taste.

I have close, supportive friendships.

This wasn’t the path I chose, but once I learned to embrace the change, it has been a path I have been happy to be on.

[Mach40]

One of the hardest things to do during was telling the parents. It was kind of liberating as they were very nurturing and not angry etc..