You are already in the house with your wife and kids 100% of the time. Nesting doesn’t “solve” anything for you. If she wants to be away 50% of the time, let her work on what that looks like and how she’s going to pay for it while you use your gift of time to read Sandi’s Rules, process your emotions through IC or other means, GAL, and 180 any behaviors that aren’t working for you. Are you ready to DB and try Sandi’s Rules? The only logistical detail to look into is talking to a lawyer so your money isn’t used for her move-out, body enhancements, or vacations with OM.
I do have a true nesting story: two family friends tried it. The husband (LBS) cried that he still hoped they’d reconcile but he found used condoms of various sizes every time they switched homes. The wife (WAS) felt she’d been ethical by waiting to explore emotionally or sexually until she’d told him she intended to D and he agreed they should separate (nesting).
Your notion about a “No Sex” rule sounds naive.
Between what you and LH have written, it sounds like there's a boatload of people out there who are mighty careless about where they dispose of prophylactics in nesting situations. How hard would it be to put that crap in a plastic bag and toss it in a McDonalds or 7-11 trashcan? Unless perhaps they wanted to send a deliberate message.
Nonetheless the point remains. I'll refuse to entertain any thoughts of "nesting."
Nah I really don’t think they intentionally want to hurt the LBS or be the bad guy. They are just so into what they are doing they really don’t care about anything else.
it sounds like there's a boatload of people out there who are mighty careless about where they dispose of prophylactics in nesting situations. How hard would it be to put that crap in a plastic bag and toss it in a McDonalds or 7-11 trashcan?
Originally Posted by BL42
Or they WANT you to see
Maybe! For the family friends, I didn’t perceive any malice—she believed she’d freed herself from the relationship ethically (filing for divorce, separating) after trying to resolve issues in MC and was living her best life. How an ex felt about the way she conducted her life was no longer her primary concern, although I’d like to believe if she knew that she’d once left a used condom on top of the trash bin and subsequently he presumably began snooping for them she would have made adjustments. She seemed to get the rest on-point: he never complained of sex toys, lingerie, leftover food, scents on the bedding, extra wine glasses in the sink, or gifts like flowers and chocolates. I imagine it’s hard to hide all traces of an active love life when nesting. It's a difficult scenario for those still attached.
I actually did a couple months ago, trying to get out ahead of the situation. That was way before I read DR or knew what DBing, GALing, and everything else was. I also had no clue about W's perceived timeline then, so I thought time might be of the essence when I scheduled the consult.
I got several good answers to questions but unfortunately the body improvements were not on the table at the time, so I didn't ask anything about that. I don't know if it's a regional or primarily large city thing, but the free consultation doesn't seem to be a common opportunity where I live - an hour with the attorney cost me $200.
I don't know if it's a regional or primarily large city thing, but the free consultation doesn't seem to be a common opportunity where I live - an hour with the attorney cost me $200.
Hi Doug,
My attorney's rate is several times your attorney's rate, but I pay less because the longest session she and I ever had was 30 minutes and most are closer to 10-15 minutes. E.g., "Attorney, my wife intends to spend $5,000-$20,000 on body enhancements before divorcing me. What should I do to protect my assets?" My attorney was clear that short and to-the-point e-mails are the most cost-effective. At your rate a 10-min response would cost ~$35. Of course, implementing an action plan such as serving her with a financial restraining order like I did to prevent shenanigans may cost another $300. That's money well spent if it actually protects your wife from spending $5,000-$20,000 of shared assets.
My attorney's rate is several times your attorney's rate, but I pay less because the longest session she and I ever had was 30 minutes and most are closer to 10-15 minutes. E.g., "Attorney, my wife intends to spend $5,000-$20,000 on body enhancements before divorcing me. What should I do to protect my assets?" My attorney was clear that short and to-the-point e-mails are the most cost-effective. At your rate a 10-min response would cost ~$35. Of course, implementing an action plan such as serving her with a financial restraining order like I did to prevent shenanigans may cost another $300. That's money well spent if it actually protects your wife from spending $5,000-$20,000 of shared assets.
Thanks, Traveler. Something to consider, for sure. From what I read, it sounds like the financial restraining order is a component of the official divorce filing. I could be wrong, but in my current case, we're not even separated yet.
The drive home from the trip felt a little stilted, with some palpable distance in the car. I think W still had a few angry feelings about how the counseling session played out. Unfortunately, being together for so many hours a day on the mini vacation didn't exactly bolster my detachment efforts. Still, if I had to do it again, I would. May well wind up being the last family trip, and I had plenty of musings to that end, in real time. In a way, I think it helped me appreciate it more.
It has been invaluable going back through this thread and seeing the multiple postings of "it's a marathon, not a sprint" and other lines of that ilk. I'm seemingly mired in a trend of two steps forward, one step back...or even two steps forward, two steps back. Try as I might, I can't seem to muster the level of detachment I feel I should be heading towards. MWD had a line in the MLC chapter of DR that goes something like "and there will be times when, just for a moment, things seem normal again, and these will sustain you." It's hard, folks!
I also tend to get a little stuck on all the good quotes from Ready2Change's threads. Sometimes I get caught between "this is the prevailing wisdom" and "it says to see what works and stick with that." Like, a 180 for me would be acting more emotionally present...but then, I don't want to overdo that and be readily available. I'm an outgoing person, but I did get to a point where I was a little withdrawn and in my own world in the house. I'm toeing that line the best i can while putting as much focus as possible on GAL and doing things with the kids.
Perhaps the toughest internal conflict is questioning what I'm holding onto vs forcing W to be the one to move out whenever that point may arrive. Treading water or "standing"...in some ways, it can feel like an emotionally hollow existence. I apologize for rehashing thoughts I've probably already typed before. Just using the forum to get a few sentiments off my chest.
So, W is (for whatever reason) amped up right now after I said I wasn't going to the next MC session. I said I had "talked about it in IC" and didn't feel it was productive for me at this point in time. There was some contentious yammering about "You're not going to stop me from this divorce" - I guess in response to my comment about not being inclined to vacate the house.
Great. That's just great. Hopefully it was just a MLC mercurial flare-up and things will be tolerable later. It's not the best environment for the kids if hostility reigns.
