Today I feel really down. A lot of worry in my head It has to do with upcoming conversations on child agreements, finances, the fear of living alone. My energy is used up to "fake it until you make it", and I still have my stomach in knots. Taking a cue from the book, If I reframe this with core principals, I see that honesty, fairness, and love are what I'm about. These conversations are about what is best for the kids and what is fair for both of us.
Josh, do you still see a legal agreement on child custody and child support as a conversation? BL42 reminded you that YOU choose whether you are a primary (50%) or secondary (<50%) parent, to use Australian legal terms. For child support, once you've determined custody %, there's usually a formula to determine what you're on-the-hook for.
Are you hoping you can persuade her to take less $$$ than the courts would award?
Yes, it is a conversation this w/e. I know there is a suggestion of full 50% for all children, but I'm not sure how that works for D2 when having her overnight will be disruptive. I'm aware of the CSA formula, and I need to ask L if this applies when living together. I understood that if XW is primary, she pays everything and then gets CSA. Again, I'll consult with L.
I'm not wishing anything about $$$, that is not my motivation. It's about ensuring 50% time with D1, S, and the maximum amount of time with D2 that doesn't cause disruption. If it comes up, "that doesn't work for me."
I understood that if XW is primary, she pays everything and then gets CSA.
If Australia is like the USA, the person who receives child support also decides how to spend it. It sounds like your STBXW prioritizes being a good mom and can be trusted to fulfill that role well so you are fortunate there. I only mention that to prepare you--some non-primary custodians get grumpy their money isn't used the way they expect.
Today I feel really down...My energy is used up to "fake it until you make it", and I still have my stomach in knots.
Very normal. For me, I had/have to get out of my head. Going for a walk and being in the moment (or motorcycle ride etc). I am sure you have emotional release work that needs to happen. Not sure if you have had a good cry or releasing some anger. Lots of people cry in empty parking lots, shower etc... Making time for other things besides the relationship issue is important.
Keep taking it one day at a time. Just know everything happens for a reason.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You’re welcome! Thought you might like it. It’s like the crib notes of No More MR. Nice Guy.
Now that you mention it, it is. It really explains about why I let people cross the red line, passive behavior, and outcomes versus people. I really want to reframe my thoughts on XW in this regard.
Today I feel really down. A lot of worry in my head It has to do with upcoming conversations on child agreements, finances, the fear of living alone. My energy is used up to "fake it until you make it", and I still have my stomach in knots. Taking a cue from the book, If I reframe this with core principals, I see that honesty, fairness, and love are what I'm about. These conversations are about what is best for the kids and what is fair for both of us.
Josh just remember those lines can get blurry and you start making concessions in an attempt to nice your W back.
Originally Posted by Originally Posted by Traveler
You don't HAVE to drop your relationship with her family. Sometimes LBS have a fantasy the WAS's family will choose the LBS *over* the WAS long-term. That's rare. What's not rare is some people who had good relationships with their ex-inlaws maintain them through a divorce. You are no longer their daughter's husband, but you are still bound to them as their grandchildren's father.
Emotionally, I cannot do that right now. Indeed, they wouldn't take sides, and would still treat me the same as before. I just don't have the headspace, I'd feel miserable inside and don't think I could fake looking like all is well. I appreciate it's my lizard brain telling me to avoid and wanting to just move on already. I'm using up enough resolve to keep it together at home.
Hello Josh. I was looking over your recent posts and had some experience to share about the extended family. It is a complicated thing and there is no right or wrong way about maintaining those relationships (or not), so I wanted to just share my experience in case it gives you more to think about.
This is my second divorce. My first MR was over 15 years. His family was loving towards me but I felt like I needed space and I needed to give them space, so I distanced myself. There were no children involved so that also made it easier. They only showed me love before this decision, so there wasn’t an event. I just thought I was doing what I should do. Well, years later, I miss that family so much and the way I pulled away created distance. I did reconnect with my exFIL and he was lovely. So that has been a blessing. I’m still working on maintaining a relationship with him while I am going through now my second D. I’m saying that I grew to regret my decisions about how I handled this and felt a deep loss in those relationships.
The MR I am leaving now is a shorter one an involves my being a step-mom. I had a wonderful relationship with his family prior and this time I am doing my best to remain in contact. I am careful about what I say about the situation or my XH directly, and I know they see some sides of it, but I also haven’t been quiet about how hard this has been for me or that I am still struggling. I can do that while making it clear that I don’t want the MR anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m in a happy place. They have been warm, lovely, supportive and admire and appreciate that I am not leaving the relationship I’ve built with the boys I helped raise. So far, it’s going well. All I can do is go into with with my heart open and be aware that they will always side with my XH because he’s family, but I am doing my best to avoid any ‘taking sides’ situations in this…as best as I can anyway. I think you can show you will be okay and will be putting yourself first (and living your best life) while still being authentic about the hard feelings that go with the loss or situation you are dealing with.
I’ve come to realize in old age (ha) that if you don’t water relationships, they die. So, if these relationships are important to you, you may not want to stop watering them. If the “father I never had” has had that level of impact on you in a positive way, then it only stands to reason that maintaining that relationship might give you sustenance opposed to drain or misery.
It’s an awkward situation for sure when a split happens, especially when children are involved. Remember, it’s awkward for them too and they have their own feelings and struggles about it. You mention that you feel you have to hide that you feel miserable. Why do you feel that way? Is it you wanting to avoid those feelings, or do you just feel overwhelmed and the effort is too much? If you imagine being honest about where your heart is but not attacking your W in a conversation with a family member, how do you imagine they would respond? Is it loving? Is it uncomfortable? Have you tested the waters? Have they invalidated your feelings before, or are you just afraid they will?
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Ek, Thank you so much for your perspective. My comment on hiding my misery relates to the DB process. I'm trying so hard in front of XW to show all is well, regardless of what is inside. I'm not avoiding them, I'm just not expressing them in my family house.
My relationship with XW in family gatherings, I can assure you, would be as if nothing changed. There would be no attacking or comments, she's careful to present the best view. Her parents are non-judgemental my nature. I have no doubt about that. My hesitation comes from fear and avoidance. I fear I won't be able to let go, I fear to be reminded of happier days. I fear a time where I haven't moved on, and she brings a new partner to these gatherings. Or the reverse, that I meet someone, move on, and these family events, fade away. I fear this could be a pattern of boundary violations, I see a future where XW will call me up on my days with children to visit her family.
I'm sure if I went this w/e to the family function, all would be fine. But I don't feel fine, I have a lot of packing to do, which I didn't plan for. I'm still hurting. I'm not sure I could present a strong enough face.
These all sound like excuses, but it's all so fresh. I think I'll skip this one, but maybe if there is one next month, I'll feel stronger and attend.
Not sure if you have had a good cry or releasing some anger.
Daily for both
Josh, it's really good to let those emotions out. I'm here to tell you, as miserable as it feels in the moment, this will not last. You will get through this. You have some great support here.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
