I'm Back after 1st DB (2)

[LH19]

The guy she thought she was going to get together with after D dumped her. Then she started dating a a guy I know who everyone knew it wouldn't last.

Any clue after all that why she isn't thinking why did I break up my family for this? I know, not your monkey not your circus.

I am sure she does at times. I think they all do. I am pretty sure in her mind she is past the point of no return.

I think they may still be dating but I saw her on a dating app a coupe weeks ago.

That has to give you at least a small smile on your face and sense of validation, no? Also...it must be a weird feeling coming across your ExSpouse on a dating app. another poster mentioned a few months ago seeing their Ex on OLD platform with the "I'm am a sl*t" in the description LOL Bizarre.

Just that she's very predictable. I know her better than I know any person in the world. That was Mummin BTW.

She was a monkey brancher when I met her, a monkey brancher when she left and not surprisingly apparently still a monkey brancher.

I guess many people don't change - it's hard enough to change even if you're actively trying.

Don't think she can see that there is something wrong here.

[LH19]

Sorry for the hijack Justin but sometimes it is good to know that the typical WAS doesn't get their happily ever after.

[Josh71]

Nah, it's not a hijack. It's comforting to hear others stories. I'm in IT too, and I can easily flex to support the kids. My conundrum is D2. A few guidelines state overnights at different houses isn't good. I've been going back and forth on this, and seems the best is 5 hours blocks and one 8 hour block a week.

FWIW, I've explored attachment theory ad nauseam in IC and couples. I understand it that as an avoidant, after separation, we transition into anxious. Something like that. I literally just finished a book WAW dropped on my pillow about attachment. Made me cry, it explained our dynamic so well, and felt sad about my contribution. It's very true, I've exhibited sobtaging behaviours. But it was also nice to see some of those behaviours I don't do anymore.

WAW is anxious, so we triggered each other. Would have been nice to have known this, like 12 years ago! Lol

[LH19]

Josh what happened in your first marriage?

[Josh71]

Same problem as this one. I started to distance, sex dropped off, found faults in her, kept emotions bottled up... She was secure and wisely ended it after a few years. I blamed her, but looking back with today's eyes, I was finding any excuse to avoid intimacy. At least she didn't play games.

[BL42]

Nah, it's not a hijack. It's comforting to hear others stories.

Agreed.

I'm in IT too

Again, just an anecdotal observation but it seems like a disproportionate number of LBHs here are IT/STEM/analytical thinkers. Maybe I notice more of them more because my own profession, but wonder if there's something to it.

I can easily flex to support the kids.

That's a real benefit. I'm in the same position with the virtual/flexible work and have used it to spend a ton of time with my kids post-separation/D that I wouldn't have been able to in a traditional in-office / rigid schedule job. Take advantage of the time with your kids when they're young! It goes by quickly.

My conundrum is D2. A few guidelines state overnights at different houses isn't good. I've been going back and forth on this, and seems the best is 5 hours blocks and one 8 hour block a week.

Are you suggesting allowing W to have all the overnights for D2? If so, I strongly advise against it. Make sure D2 gets used to sleeping at daddy's too. 50/50, period. (if the laws/courts allow it) Don't settle for less...days and nights.

FWIW, I've explored attachment theory ad nauseam in IC and couples. I understand it that as an avoidant, after separation, we transition into anxious. Something like that. I literally just finished a book WAW dropped on my pillow about attachment. Made me cry, it explained our dynamic so well, and felt sad about my contribution. It's very true, I've exhibited sobtaging behaviours. But it was also nice to see some of those behaviours I don't do anymore.

WAW is anxious, so we triggered each other. Would have been nice to have known this, like 12 years ago! Lol

It's good you've identified issues and can work on addressing them. It'll make you a better man moving forward.

Josh what happened in your first marriage?

Same problem as this one. I started to distance, sex dropped off, found faults in her, kept emotions bottled up... She was secure and wisely ended it after a few years. I blamed her, but looking back with today's eyes, I was finding any excuse to avoid intimacy. At least she didn't play games.

It's good you're able to reflect on your first marriage with perspective, recognize those same patterns, and accept responsibility...now go off and address them!

[SteveLW]

Josh, this is great self-awareness. So the question is: what are you going to do with that insight?

[Josh71]

Well, it's about communication, expressing wants and needs, and not suppressing it. It's understanding the triggering behaviors and thoughts. For my current sitch it's mostly too late, but I can understand WAW needs reassurance and consistency and follow through. I can work on that now, even though some of the detachment triggers her (like the not telling her what I'm doing and where I'm going). This is someone who has real anxiety about the separation and how I'll manage the kids.

The other is recognizing when someone I care about is upset. With WAW, she'd be in a growly mood, but I'd never ask. Again, tricky in DB because of detaching, but that is something I need to work on.

Lastly, it's about recognising insecure attachment in others, so when I date again, I can be sure of finding someone secure, as hard as that will be.

There is a lot more about accepting the differences of others, and the intimate actions that demonstrate love, but that isn't anything I can practise with now.

I guess if WAW genuinely wanted to save R, she would have shared that book earlier. Telling that she didn't.

[Ready2Change]

IHS scuks

Challenge your beliefs. It does not have to. It is your choice.

Focus on enjoying your interactions with your children. Do not let your W's "Emotional State" effect yours. If you need "Josh time" make sure to have agreements with W that let both of you go do whatever each of needs to do alone.

"W, Friday I plan on taking the kids to dinner and then the park"
"W, Saturday evening I have some personal things to deal with. Are you OK watching the kids while I am out"

Transition into alternating parenting responsibilities. Get agreements.

Get a firm landing ground for parenting responsibilities. Exceptions will come up and it is important to be accommodating.

Keep it simple. Do not argue. Listen. Take time to think and make decisions.

"I am not sure, I will let you know when I have decided".

[Traveler]

My conundrum is D2. A few guidelines state overnights at different houses isn't good. I've been going back and forth on this, and seems the best is 5 hours blocks and one 8 hour block a week.

Are you suggesting allowing W to have all the overnights for D2? If so, I strongly advise against it. Make sure D2 gets used to sleeping at daddy's too. 50/50, period. (if the laws/courts allow it) Don't settle for less...days and nights.

Josh, did you tell your lawyers it was important for you to have 50% of overnights and they said no?!

Most countries have guidelines, often from mental health experts. Custody and my kids were my goal, so my divorce strategy focused on satisfying them. Per Australia's AAIMHI guidelines--

1) At 3yrs, your overnights seem assumed. Can you delay completing your divorce until then?
2) At 2yrs,
a. Do you spend time with your kids 50% now such that you would be considered one of the "primary caregivers"? Could you spend more time with your D2 over the next few months to become one?
b. If no, the criteria for a "secondary caregiver" to have overnights is that they're able to i. soothe their child and ii. communicate well with the primary caregiver. Could you work towards these?

Watching a 2-year-old is both amazing and exhausting. If it's not for you, I understand stepping aside.