So H just text me about with a money question, as I waited to respond I found a $7500 charge for a lawyer.
It is about to get real now as you both have lawyers. Try to agree on the settlement bfore hand if possible to save on lawyer fees.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Then he called me, figured I had to answer as it was about money.
You never have to answer the phone. I would let it go to voicemail and get back to him when you are in a a more relaxing state.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Said he was meeting with his ATTY and need to know what we had as far as cash on hand.
Can he obtain this information on his own? Don't do the heavy lifting for him.
Originally Posted by Stella20
After I answered his questions, I tried to end the call, but he kept it going.
Do or do not there is no try. "Sorry hubby I have to run" "I am late for an appointment"
Originally Posted by Stella20
He must have wanted to talk for some reason.
Attempted manipulation.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Then he started talking to me about some people from his company, I know the history of these people, and what was going on with them. These where H's old bosses and they started there own company, have offered H a job a couple of times now. Talked about that his company will eventually change his pay as he is making too much money right now. More small talk about his company and what is going on with his work. Talked a bit about his mom and what is going on with her.
Poor baby.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Then he said he had to get back to work.
You should always end the call first. You are busy and got to run.
Originally Posted by Stella20
This is so hard, what a waste of a beautiful life.
It is hard but it will get easier. You will start to take of your rose colored glasses and see your H isn't the person you thought he was.
It is very important to understand the business side of this needs to be handle by what is in your best interest and will have zero effect on recon in the future.
You never have to answer the phone. I would let it go to voicemail and get back to him when you are in a a more relaxing state.
THIS!!!
I trained my ex to contact me by email. If he called, I let it go to voice mail, then texted him back. If he texted, I replied with an email. If I took his call and he started to spew, I would slap my old flip phone closed. If he called back, I'd text- "sorry, I'm in a cell phone hole".
BTW it's good to keep contact to texts or email so you have a copy of what was said - this can hep you sometimes in the divorce. And never promise him anything. Just tell him you'll think about it, or you'll discuss it with your lawyer.
Btw, I forget - have you moved half of the cash into a separate account in your name only?
So, OW's H just called me, I haven't talk to him for a few weeks now. He called to see how I was holding up ( he really is a nice sweet man ) He said that he has not had much contact with her and out of the blue he got a text from her. Said she was at bowling and some guy was playing county music on the juke box and it made her think of him..... Gee, you think she told my H she sent that text? Whatever, not my monkey, what a trainwreck they are.
Yep, kml, exactly what I was thinking..she has already complained to her H about things she does not like about my H. And last week her H said she text him to see "how he was doing" Wonder if he told her he has started dating? Her H said he is waiting on D papers from her, so they haven't even filed yet. Again, not my monkey.. From the outside you can see how pathetic there "luv" really is.
Feeling alot of anger again today, like burning, want to break something , scream at H, anger, because he is being so stupid....Still have to ease into working out while the incisions are healing.
But wow, they are such idiots...both blowing up there lives for a relationship that they already seem to be questioning. Well, its been its been 15 months since they started this A and 10 months of PA and almost 3 months of living together. Maybe some of the new and shiny is starting to wear off, or with both D's going on they might finally start to see what they are destroying??? I don't know, wishful thinking I guess. At this point I really don't want contact with H while he is still living with OW.
I would echo what everyone else has said. Stay the course Stella. Do not get sucked in or adjust your plan with the hope things are falling apart on their end. Even if that is the case, don't assume that will mean he would want to be with you. Your H could easily move on to OW#2. That has happened to a number of people on here. So please do not sit around hoping he will get tired of Plan A and come running back to Plan B. Do you really want to be that person? The one he returns to because it is easier or cheaper or whatever? Do you want to be the person he can live with or the person that he can't live without? If you let him waltz back in, I guarantee you that he will think of you as the former and not the latter.
Please, please, please... learn from other people's experience on here. If things do fall apart and he wants to "come back home", do NOT... I repeat... do NOT welcome him back with open arms. Yes, you would immediately feel better and things might be good for awhile but if he does not do the work and start seeing you as Plan A, he will inevitably find OW #2 or rekindle things with OW #1 later on and leave again. If you want to recon, that is completely understandable but you need him to work for it.
In my sitch, I had BD #1 three and a half years before BD #2. After BD #1, my H spent five months living at home ignoring me and minimally interacting with our kids and than another month living in his friend's garage suite (he says) before returning home out of the blue and declaring his crisis over. I welcomed him back with no questions asked because I was so relieved to have him home and sounding like my old H. And while I believe he genuinely wanted to come home at that time, it didn't take long for his issues to resurface (unbeknownst to me) and he found a way to basically abandon me and our children for three more years before BD #2. I mistakenly thought the crisis had passed but in reality, it was only just beginning. So please don't make the same mistake I did. If he truly wants to come home for the RIGHT reasons, he will do the work he needs to do before you let him move back in. If he doesn't, it just means he wasn't serious about it in the first place. (((HUGS)))
At this point I really don't want contact with H while he is still living with OW.
Then don't. If he contacts you, text him a reply - "I really don't want contact with you while you are living with OW. Please address all divorce-related questions to my attorney. " Then stick to it.
Deja, I will not adjust my plan, I will continue to move forward with D, even though I do not want to.
I will not be plan B, and I would not allow H to move from OW's back home, if that ever comes up. He would need to find somewhere to live for some time.(6mth to 1year) I know that I want him to come home now, but I also know that would end with more pain. And I can not take anymore pain and rejection. H would have to do all the work to convince me that he would never do this again and that we are truely what he wants. Besides being "nice" to me and wanting to keep me on the phone today, his actions do not show any sign of him making any moves, except towards D.
And as much as I want him back I know that I have to work this all out myself. I am in pain right now, I miss him, but he has done so much damage to me emotionally, mentally, he abandoned me. How am I going to feel about that in say, 6 months. How do I process that in a healthy way? I don't know, I don't know if this is something I can forgive, I think I can, but is that my pain talking? My fear? The loss of our dreams? I don't know yet, I would need time to figure out who I am now. I am not the same person I was before BD1, thats for sure. Right now I just feel like a shell of my former self, lost and confused. I do love H and still believe, in my heart, that there is a way, but I do not like MLC H.
I have done and said everything I could possible do to try and save our R and M. There is nothing more I can do, but listen, watch and process. He knows how I feel and where I am, the ball is H's court, he needs to be clear on the life he wants. He needs to address his demons. If that ever happens is still to be seen, I pray that he gets healthy, he really was a wonderful man before this all happened. I don't want MLC H back, and now I know what that looks like as I have seen it for the last 8 months since BD1. Living with him for the 6 months after BD1 was painful, I will not go back to that. It was mostly a nightmare with a few nice moments sprinkled in, while I held on for dear life hoping he would get better. He had breif moments, and I mean breif... of clarity during that time. I was in denial during that time, I am not in denial now. I can not live like that ever again. I know what I want in a R and I will not settle for anything less.
Our R was not perfect, I put up with alot from H, that I don't think he sees, heck I didn't see it, but I was happy. I want love, pure, true, deep love. Is that possible with H??? Now that he has damaged us/me so much??? I want respect, can I ever respect him again?? With his actions, he dosent respect me. I want to feel joy and happiness again. Can we/I ever feel that again after knowing what he is capable of doing? I want honesty and transparency, after all of the lies and deceit, can he ever be honest again? He would have to be completly transparent, can he do that?
At this point in time, I don't know if I will ever love the way I have in the past, ever again. That pure, trusting, naive love that existed before BD. I know I would never marry again. How do you ever feel that depth of love and trust again, after going through, being in, this? I am so disappointed in H's actions, what he did to my heart and soul, I don't think he will ever understand the depth of damage he has done to me.
I don't know if he has it in him to make a come back, to right his wrongs. I pray he does, even if he does not come back to me. The man I knew and loved would have never done this. He is not that man anymore, if he is he buried him deep, deep inside somewhere. Add the drinking into the mix... he is a mess right now. Don't know if he see's how damaged and emotionally unhealty his is. Right now, IMO, I don't think he is looking inward enough yet. I think he is so caught up in his A, and partying, to see anything else. I think a part of him is feeling some loss of our M, but he is still justifing it because he is "in luv". At one point he told me that our M was more important, more valueable than his A, but his actions say not.
From the outside, its easy to see that they are using each other, to get through whatever it is they are both dealing with. Its actually sad. Two broken people hurting the ones that actually truely love them. Maybe someday they will see what they are doing....I don't know. Right now it dosen't look that way.
But I will continue to hope, because I still feel love for H, still feel connected. A girl can dream, right?? But I will do it from a distance. As I said, nothing more I can do. Any steps back toward me have to come from him. He has a long road home if he chooses to take it.
Stella
PS ; Stella was actually the name of my 2 year old kitten that passed away this last summer, unexpectedly, fluck heart condition. She was a special little girl, full of spunk and mischief. Some how she figured out how to jump up and balance herself on top to open doors. Always had to get up as high as she could in every room in the house. She had quite the personality for such a young cat, H loved that little princess, she was a Daddys girl. There will never be another Stella, I miss her too.
