WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (4)

[OnlyBent]

Looking back all the way to when we met Ex-W had just moved out from living with her boyfriend of many years when we met, yet within the first months quickly broached topics with me such as love, meeting the families, moving in together...so maybe I was her band-aid from the start after all.

Its a good point BL, and one that made me think back to when my STBXW and I met. Strangely, I haven't reflected on this until now. She was less than a year out of a 6 year relationship where the ex-BF lied and cheated on her the whole time, and I was maybe 6 months out of a 4 year relationship where I hadn't given my all. Despite being so soon out of Rs, and admittedly neither of us having been single adults for very long, we were basically living together after a month or so and engaged within 6 months.

[SteveLW]

Ill be honest kids being ok or not ok is just a matter of opinion, not all kids are resilient and some will be affected more than others, regardless of how much positive focus you put on them through this difficult time. Of course my kids are ok for most part, but the fact that they are from a broken family affects them particularly as everyone we know has mum and dad together. Its during those quiet times right before bed time, when the emotions often come out. S5 wants us to be a family, H collected the kids today unplanned, and had to return because S5 changed his mind and was really upset and wanted me. S7 often talks about the fact that he will wait for a long time to see if H comes home to us. Of course my kids are happy, they play with friends, have fun at school, have playdates, but ultimately they remember how it was for us as a family and want that back.

Gigi, I do agree with this. There are no totalities with this stuff. However, the better the LBSs handles the situation with their kids, the more likely they are to be ok. I think that is the point.

[BL42]

GAL - Our area hosts an annual Senior PGA Tour event, it's a big social outing for our area every year, and big name hall of famers play (E.Els, R.Goosen, A.Jiménez, J.Furyk, J.Daly, V.Singh, B.Langer...etc.) Anyway, friends (our families went on vacation together just before BD) was in town for the event and had extra tickets to a luxury box so we played golf in the AM and then went to the tournament all day with free food & drink, and I saw lots of friends and people I knew there, capping it off with a big name concert. My wedding band always plays the post-concert party (I booked them knowing from this event they're so great/entertaining), but was indifferent to that fact and just enjoyed myself. The next day I played with a dozen guys and we all went back to the tournament, same deal. So lots of friends and entertainment and fresh air all weekend. It was great. Kids came back on the 4th and we enjoyed a big fireworks show together and then spent yesterday's work Holiday yesterday swimming in a pool.

Dating - I did sign up for dating apps a few weeks after the D finalized and I've been chatting with a couple woman since, and met up with one last week for my first post-D date / first first date in a decade. Honestly, I feel quite odd driving to the date and didn't feel right, so I almost turned around and canceled. However, I stuck to it and we ended up having good conversation for 2-3hours, which was nice. I'm not expecting a ton to come out of it, but she does seem interested which is nice. One red flag though is she told me her parents have been married 40+ years and so she never expected to be D, but they weren't connecting and so she went on a trip to find herself and decided to D her husband - it was her choice and she doesn't regret it; however, he was quite upset about it. Sounds like she may have BD'd him? Don't like that.

Trigger - ExW bought a brand new vehicle last week, the same minivan make/model that OM1/AP had recommended to her at the beginning of our sitch after I (wrongly suggested we go car shopping to show we could work together, probably trying to buy her off) and instead she texted him to see want he recommends. Anyway, the new vehicle has boiled up some anger in me, riling me up, and I have a strong urge to throw it back in her face with something like "Oh, congrats...that's what OM1 recommended so you'll always have a part of him in your vehicle while you're driving around with OM2!". I suppose I should resist the temptation. Also, she continues to pile on big ticket debt and I'm essentially paying her mortgage and new car payment now with my child support...but I suppose again I need to let that go and further detach.

[MrBrside]

One red flag though is she told me her parents have been married 40+ years and so she never expected to be D, but they weren't connecting and so she went on a trip to find herself and decided to D her husband - it was her choice and she doesn't regret it; however, he was quite upset about it. Sounds like she may have BD'd him? Don't like that.

This is a positive. Not so much that she DB'd her ex, but the fact you are spotting these things.

Its all too easy to ignore little niggles when there is a gorgeous lady in front of you..

What does "not connecting" mean lol.. sounds like "i got bored"...

One thing i will say, from personal expereince is a Wayward is a lot more common than a walkaway - Most people like to monkey branch.

[LH19]

I’ve been here 6 plus years and I think only a handful has no signs of OP.

[BL42]

Pulling this over from 97Hope's thread in Surviving the Big D, so as not to hijack hers...

Recently I learned they divorced 5 months after they married!!! He told my kids to keep that a secret from me, too?!??
I saw them 1 month before their divorce and they seemed happy as clams. All is not as it appears.

Be honest, was part of you happy they got divorced and didn't just ride off into the sunset? Did you enjoy the schadenfreude?

I know I'm not supposed to care at all about what my now ExW is doing, but she started dating OM2 before moving out and filing for D and then moved him in (with my kids) shortly after we separated. They've been together now a year yet we've only been D a month. I see her speeding along with him (as looking back she did with me) and can see an engagement/wedding coming up in the near future, and there's certainly still a big part of me that wants to see it blow up in her face. Not to say I want her back at this point, but if it didn't work out and she needs to start fresh it would feel like we're more on an equal playing field - more "fair" so to speak. Yes, I realize...worry about me not her. Just saying...there's still points of anger where I'd love for things in her world to explode. Doesn't seem fear (seemingly) all is well with her, and us LBSs are left with a broken world.

I feel like your ex getting married and quickly divorced would be a bit of a boost or validation for you as the LBS.

I see her speeding along with him (as looking back she did with me) and can see an engagement/wedding coming up in the near future, and there's certainly still a big part of me that wants to see it blow up in her face.

This is where you have to be careful BL. We say all the time that WS are selfish (which they are). Do you think it is good for your children to have their mom jump from one man to the next? Seems to be the type of woman your ex is right now.

Good point LH. It gets so much more complicated with children. Obviously any anger and thoughts of ill-will I have towards ExW always has to be caveated with what's best for the kids. I don't want them seeing her jump from one to the next, but also have fears at times of OM2 raising them and don't want OM2 to be dancing with my daughter at her wedding instead of me (as I've seen happen before). I think what's more likely is she's rush into this one and it'll be glowing/good for several years but eventually have issues down the road, so speculating here but I see it lasting quite awhile. Anyway, I am doing everything I can to make them my priority and be their rock which is the important thing and all I can do.

Doesn't seem fear (seemingly) all is well with her, and us LBSs are left with a broken world.

Your world is only broken if that is how you view it.

True. Just saying...think all of LBSs have thoughts/wishes that things don't work out with our Exs and their APs.

I don't want them seeing her jump from one to the next, but also have fears at times of OM2 raising them and don't want OM2 to be dancing with my daughter at her wedding instead of me (as I've seen happen before).

This will only happen if you drop the ball on your end. This to me is more catastrophic thinking on your part.

LH19 - I won't drop the ball with my kids, so much as I can help, but as I learn more and more about my ExW's parents' situation I get nervous. The kids are very young and impressionable, and I have reason to believe they're being told to lie and cover things up. ExW's dad wasn't invited to our wedding and her step-dad danced with her - I was foolish enough at the time not to question that enough, but have since come to understand her mom had the affair, initiated divorce, dragged her dad's name through the mud, and perhaps manipulated her relationship with her dad. There's an update I just got related to her mom and step-dad and our sitch that further concerns me in that area, I'll share in a bit.

have fears at times of OM2 raising them and don't want OM2 to be dancing with my daughter at her wedding instead of me

I get the first part of your fear--if your XW married someone who acts like a second father to your D--helps pay for college, is there when she needs her--I could see him being in the father/daughter dance. Your D's life is richer for the wider support network, but your father/daughter dance experience is lesser, and that's bittersweet. What I don't get is your fear of being OUT of the dance. If your D loves you both, she's going to dance with you both. I guess I've never feared being replaced. My XGF's XH has several people he calls mom and one he calls dad. In their case, it wasn't a competition. It doesn't have to be a competition.

CWarrior - Point taken, if OM2 is good to my kids and enriches their life then I guess that's a benefit to them (though I don't appreciate the moral lesson being modeled to them of D and affair partners), but guess I'll just have to shallow my own bittersweet feelings for the betterment of the kids.

[OnlyBent]

Be honest, was part of you happy they got divorced and didn't just ride off into the sunset? Did you enjoy the schadenfreude?

I know I'm not supposed to care at all about what my now ExW is doing, but she started dating OM2 before moving out and filing for D and then moved him in (with my kids) shortly after we separated. They've been together now a year yet we've only been D a month. I see her speeding along with him (as looking back she did with me) and can see an engagement/wedding coming up in the near future, and there's certainly still a big part of me that wants to see it blow up in her face. Not to say I want her back at this point, but if it didn't work out and she needs to start fresh it would feel like we're more on an equal playing field - more "fair" so to speak. Yes, I realize...worry about me not her. Just saying...there's still points of anger where I'd love for things in her world to explode. Doesn't seem fear (seemingly) all is well with her, and us LBSs are left with a broken world.

BL, you know our sitch's are very similar, and I'd be lying if I said I couldn't understand this quote. How I am seeing it is, feeling like this is a very clear indicator that I am not where I want to be. Once I no longer feel anger about her and OM and/or stop wanting it all to blow up for them, I'll know I am where I want to be. Until then, just continue doing what has been working and accept that this is a loooong process. Be kind to yourself mate.

[BL42]

This is where you have to be careful BL. We say all the time that WS are selfish (which they are). Do you think it is good for your children to have their mom jump from one man to the next? Seems to be the type of woman your ex is right now.

I get the first part of your fear--if your XW married someone who acts like a second father to your D--helps pay for college, is there when she needs her--I could see him being in the father/daughter dance. Your D's life is richer for the wider support network, but your father/daughter dance experience is lesser, and that's bittersweet. What I don't get is your fear of being OUT of the dance. If your D loves you both, she's going to dance with you both. I guess I've never feared being replaced. My XGF's XH has several people he calls mom and one he calls dad. In their case, it wasn't a competition. It doesn't have to be a competition.

BL, you know our sitch's are very similar, and I'd be lying if I said I couldn't understand this quote. How I am seeing it is, feeling like this is a very clear indicator that I am not where I want to be. Once I no longer feel anger about her and OM and/or stop wanting it all to blow up for them, I'll know I am where I want to be. Until then, just continue doing what has been working and accept that this is a loooong process. Be kind to yourself mate.

LH19/CWarrior/OnlyBent - I hear you, and you're probably right. But I'd be lying if I said I don't have flares of anger and thoughts of karma/revenge. It's not all-consuming by any means - most of the time I'm out there living my life - but periodically when something specific happens or a thought pops into my head, anger boils up. I'm certainly not at the "wishing her all the best and (sincerely) hope it works out with OM2" point like some here. Suppose that means I still have work to do processing through the emotions.

[LH19]

I'm certainly not at the "wishing her all the best and (sincerely) hope it works out with OM2" point like some here.

BL42 if you follow my posts you will know I am not a fan of posters saying you "need to detach". SteveLW use to say "I don't care if your W is getting ganged banged by the football it shouldn't effect you" I would think WTF?????
Full detachment is very difficult and I am not sure if anyone ever gets there. If you follow the "other side of divorce" thread there is a guy who has been D about 5 years was checking obits because he is wishing death as karma on other male. So don't beat yourself up and try to think about what is in best interest of your children. You are human and certainly never have to wish happily ever after but you also don't have to wish death of OM. Maybe somewhere in between.

[wayfarer]

As a stepmother, a stepchild, the mother of a child with a step parent, as well as the friend of many many people in many iterations of the blended family listen to what LH says. There is a middle ground. Finding the healthiest middle ground you can is where you need to be.

Every step parent isn't a winner. Trust me. I had basically one step away from the worst of the worst. But if you make that relationship about you and your feelings you have the potential to ruin something really great for your kids. Sometimes that OM is the voice of reason in that household. Sometimes that OM is a 3rd parent you didn't know you needed. I will add to what LH has to say as keep an eye on things because that makes you a good parent, but keep your mouth shut about OM unless you absolutely feel it's necessary because you don't want to be the boy who cried wolf. Or the bitter ex who has nothing better to do than make their kids' lives harder by putting their bitterness right in the center of every family interaction.

My H's ex ignores and refutes every thing I've done and do for D17. Including the year she lived with us full time, full time where she went by her mom's only every other weekend and only for one night. I took on a lot of their parental responsibilities over the years including but not limited to: helping the poor girl when she got her first period at her dad's because her mom wouldn't answer her phone (her dad and I had only began seriously dating the month before), fighting for an IEP to help her with her reading, the birds and the bees talk because neither parent wanted to do it, buying school supplies every year since her dad and I moved in together, buying every dress for every dance since 8th grade, helping her bathe when she broke her arm, taking care of her when she's sick, yelling at her to brush her teeth, providing her health and dental insurance, etc, etc, etc,. Every other week I have to dive in head first to a kid who was poisoned for a week about our entire household. And every other week I wonder if it's ever going to stop because it's exhausting. But I won't speak ill of her mother because I refuse to contribute to the problem. I fully expect some day there will be a wedding I help plan and pay for that I will be uninvited to to make my H's ex happy. And I'll do so quietly and ask my H to keep his mouth shut too so D17 can have the best day possible.

My H and his ex have been split up since D17 was 4. H and I started dating when D17 was 9. The ink was still wet on my D papers when H and I started dating. My exH treats my H, who is probably more of a dad than my ex ever was, with the utmost respect. My H and I sat next to each other at our D's high school graduation and joked and had a nice conversation. My daughter talks often about including them both in her wedding some day. She isn't doing it because he dad even deserves that spot, because I don't know that he does deserve equal credit with my H since my ex's parents were more co-parents than he was but because h and exH are civil and even kind to one another she doesn't question including them both. It isn't simply about who the bride felt was there for them. It's also about how much drama comes with that decision. More often than not if you're the parent who can't find a way to be in the room with their ex and their ex's new spouse you will be the parent with the limited responsibility and face time in a wedding. D18 has said if exH and H were dramatic the way a friend of her's are she would have me fill all the traditional father of the bride duties.

The deal is don't be my H's ex. It's only going to hurt your kids. If you can find that middle space LH is talking about it's the best outcome for all of you.