Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[Gordie]

Gerda: I never felt particularly brave, quite the opposite. I think I am just willing to consider the possibility that God has a plan for me, at least some of the time.

Gordie: Believing that has God has a plan for you--that is a brave.

[Gerda]

No one can pierce the darkness and clarify the truth so clearly and simply as Gordie can.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Gordie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[DnJ]

Believing that has God has a plan for you--that is brave.

Absolutely!

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Laying it out there, seeing accurately, are good and needed steps for working through fear. One cannot work through and rationalize that which they do not clearly see.

I do empathize with you regarding D11 as well. You are seeing her choices clearly, friends and such. Although at 11, many girls are drama queens and less empathic. Maturing brings on a whole slew of changes. That friend of her’s might just surprise you in a few years.

You lived somewhat similar to D11 as a young girl yourself, and are now wiser. So, what to do? You can only control you. Gently encourage and steer her. Pass on what you learnt and know. Give her the wisdom of your experience.

Of course, she’s eleven so you can’t tell her everything, must remain age appropriate, and she ain’t going to listen to everything anyhow. She’s eleven! And then 12, and 13, and oh the teen years and the rebelling and the... well you know. Be the beacon and influence and demonstrate what you can.

What would you tell your young self, if you could? How would you say it, so you’d actually listen and hear it as a young Gerda? The young mind works differently, and needs to be inspired differently.

learning how to set boundaries ... to strengthen herself to not get confused and to never find so familiar a man who is like that later that she mistakes it for love.

Boundaries are good life lessons. At eleven boundaries are not rock solid or well formed, it takes some growth.

Love. That is something that takes an entire life to discover and learn. Although you can definitely pass on some encouragement and advice.

Strengthen herself. Yes. Who she is inside. Her values. Her beliefs. Of course these will mature and change over the next few years/decades. Still, finding her inner strength to stand for herself to whatever is coming her way is very valuable. She’s got a pretty good role model in you. Pass on what you’ve learnt.

I still can't imagine that anyone would ever love me with an honest and uncomplicated love.

(((Hugs)))

Gerda, you are worthy of love. God loves you. D11 and S15 love you.

Is it can’t imagine or won’t imagine? If you look closely I think you’ll see it’s won’t imagine. Fear is a tangled and insidious web. For a time I was afraid to allow myself to be loved, to imagine myself worthy or ever to find love again.

Have faith my friend. The path to acceptance has some weird side roads one must travel. This is part of that seeing differently, the stopping of holding out for something. Keep untangling the web.

My kids were thrown away. A mom’s love tore to shreds in front of their eyes. That’s messed up. For a time, I suspect my kids felt unlovable. I know I did.

It took me time to find my way out of that dark. To believe I was worthy. I found my way. Loved my kids. Told them. Showed them. And had so many conversations. It is possible. Let go the fear. Believe it.

D

[CanBird]

((( HUGS)))

Gerda, you have helped me with your words when it comes to fear/anxiety/stress etc etc. My turn.


YOU are a strong woman.

Breathe in... as much air as your lungs can possible take...... I AM A STRONG WOMAN.
Breathe it out ...all that air from the deepness of your lungs....I CAN OVER COME ANYTHING

*I need to do this one too*

Have you considered doing any self-defense training? How empowering would that be! Mentally and physically! And if you have this dream again, remember that YOU are in charge, even in your dream state.

I wish we could post GIFs here (hard G or soft? I'm still confused how to pronounce it..lol) Any way, I would post a karate kicking lady... maybe from Charlie's Angels (the movie).

Keep the faith. The force is with you xo

[Gerda]

DnJ and CanB, thank you so much for these words. CanB, that's not a bad idea about the defense training. I have been wanting to take dance for a long time, took dance from age 5 til I a little ways into marriage -- honestly another one of those things I gave up for H -- not consciously but just let the things I loved go.... Anyway, that could be good to feel like a bad a$$.

I did go ice skating on my bumpy pond at my cabin, was there for a night with S15 to go skiing. He has been horrible lately, almost like living with H. A friend told me I should finally tell him about my cancer (from 2014-15, I never told my kids about that or mastectomy) so he can understand that he needs to step up and not leave the world on my shoulders so much, and I decided to do that this weekend while she was with H. But so far it totally backfired. He has retreated more and seems ever more like he hates life with me and D11. Granted, I only told him this morning (!) but so far the impact was pretty dark. He looks at me with this sort of disgust which is no doubt a defense but hard to take. I am so scared he will become like H even or especially because he is so determined to be nothing like him. But he never saw a man treat me well, not even my brother or dad who are rarely around and not all that nice. He has no model for this at all.

DnJ, you always remind me about how each of us has a journey that is our own, and that includes S14 and D11, I know. It's hard to find the line, where to try to guide and where to let go.

I often wonder where we all draw the line. It is common here for everyone to talk about trying to get the MLCer to step up and be a parent or how it's better for kids to make peace with the MLCer and have that parent in their lives, etc. But I think if I had written here that H regularly beat me, no one would say that I should ensure that D11 stays with him and figures things out as part of her own journey. I think I feel that H is that dangerous. Not physically. But mentally and emotionally. So while everything you say is right and true and also quite helpful to think about, I always have this underlying feeling about that, the normalizing of abuse because it wasn't physical. Why wouldn't he do many of the same things to her that he did to me?

Here are two doozies from this weekend -- first, he is moving back to my city, and not even across the river to the part of the city he lived in before, but to the other side of town from me, literally nearby where I used to hang out. He took D11 apartment hunting DURING A PANDEMIC. And today as usual, little things start coming out once she is back, and one was that he had told her that he "really loves Mama, but she is a real a$$hole." Yes, that's right, he not only told an 11-year old child her mother was an a$$hole but that he loved me in the same breath, creepy and awful and confusing to the poor girl all at once. I did ask her what the context was, since I do have many flaws but it was hard to think of anything I do that could earn that title, and apparently it was because I am trying to hold on to the house until she goes to college.

The other doozy was that I threw my back out last night -- well, my back has been bad and getting worse but I was at the point of not being able to get up from lying down without holding on to various things and tears springing to my eyes. today I had to deal with getting a rental car back to a nearby city (e.g., drive then get back by train, long walk), and at 11:15, I get a note from her that she'll be coming home so I can take her to Sunday School (which starts at 12). I expected her to be with H til 5 or 6 as usual and was already hobbling my way to the car. So I had to tell her that I could barely walk and was already taking the car back so there was no way I could walk to get her, that he should take her, then we had to go back and forth of me explaining to her and trying to get him to make arrangements with me directly and not pass the message through her, she felt bad, etc. So tonight she mentions that he said I should bring a doctor's note about my back so he can see it, that he doesn't believe anything was wrong with my back and I was just trying to get out of picking her up.

I am writing all these things here just to remind you all that NOTHING you say or do or ARE can be seen clearly by the MLCer. I take care of my son 365 days per year and my daughter 300 days per year all by myself with literally no help from him, even have to keep him from taking their home, and he is always late, always changing plans, never helpful, etc., but I never badmouth him, just keep trying to provide for the kids and make my way through life, and he still tells our D what an a$$hole I am and tells her I lie about having a hurt back to get out of picking her up at Sunday School!!! Your MLCer may be a little better, but the fact is the same -- they can't see you clearly and you have to train yourself to put out of your mind the thought that anything you say can have a real impact until they come out of it.

[Gerda]

Oh and I forgot to add to that that she started by telling me he finally was calling me "Mama" again -- apparently for a long time he referred to me by my first name to her and wouldn't call me "Mama" or even "your mom" until today's pronouncement that "Mama is a real a$$hole." !!! This seems so MLC-ish to me, this weird detachment from himself as a father to his daughter, his loss of awareness that she is a little girl with a mom but instead in his mind has become some kind of same-aged confidante. It's so strange.

[job]

Sounds like he's projecting quite a bit on you. How did he interact with his own mother? I would say that he is in that world were he's looking at you as his authority figure, i.e., mother.

They do not have a filter and he is looking at your daughter as his best friend because he is at the same age that she is mentally. Such a shame.

Sorry to read about your back, but he's really out to lunch if he thinks you are going to the doctor and get a note for your back, i.e., he's not your employer and that is something an employer would ask for.

Stay the course and I do hope your back is better today.

[OwnIt]

Gerda, I'm sorry that happened. As you know, it is much easier to blame someone else for your actions than to accept personal responsibility. I'm not sure how he will be able to rent something in your city. Even with resources, I had problems being a guarantor of my D's rental. One would think they would expect to see a job and income.

Did your D communicate how she felt about him saying that? I would assume that hearing your father say something so ugly about your mother would raise an ick feeling. Both of my kids have shared with me how upset they were to hear me run down and how they viewed it as his character issue rather than some deficiency on my part. But then again, mine are older. I would think an ick feeling nonetheless.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your son. I struggled greatly with both kids though these teen years, differently for each of them. I have wondered what part his choices played, but I also had to accept that teens just aren't that nice (except DnJ's of course). They are pretty narcissistic and really only concerned for themselves. The good news of course is that they grow out of it. My guess is that telling your son about cancer will not help a lot at this age. Likely it will just make him more concerned about his own security.

Instead I would remind him that he is loved, that you are there for him if he wants to talk about what is troubling him, and that things do get better in time. I have focused on sharing with my kids that together we have a mission to make sure they are ready for the lives they want to live as adults. That it is my job to make sure they have the necessary tools to succeed, and the opportunities to help them thrive. I remind them though that the big part, the motivation, the desire, is something they have to bring to the mix. If they want something badly enough, they can succeed at it. I also invite them to let me know if I am not doing something they need me to do or doing something they don't like. I remind them that all people are fallible and we are all open to constructive criticism.

[may22]

Hi Gerda,

I just wanted you to know how strong you are, how brave, what a fabulous heroine you make to those of us following along. I have an extra reserve of disdain in my heart for your judge. The idea that someone like that is in that particular profession adds just a whole extra level of wrongness to it. This is a person who society has trusted to be fair and just and thoughtful. Anyhow, that has just been on my mind and I wanted to send you positive thoughts and energy and let you know I was thinking of you.

On the question of not wanting to send your children to your H because he is emotionally abusive... I understand that, completely. It must be such an awful feeling to see D11 trip out the door to be with him and then hearing back what he has to say when she returns. Acting like you lied because you didn't want to pick her up? That just makes me so angry, for how confusing that must be to her.

On the other hand, him spending less or no time with her is likely to also be damaging, especially given the things he's saying now. Here's my thought-- all you can do tell her verbally, physically, every way you can that SHE IS LOVED and SHE IS WORTHY OF LOVE over and over and over until it is tattooed on her bones.

I am no expert in child psychology but I wonder if spending time with her talking about all the things she loves and values about herself could help? Develop a practice of self-affirmation early so that she has some explicit tools at her disposal? My kids recently started this gratitude journal (I can send you the link if you're interested)-- it was created for college kids going off to school for the first time to help them get over homesickness, but is now being used by people of all ages-- and it starts with a daily affirmation and something you like about yourself. It has been so interesting to follow my kids along with this and talk about it.

Here's another random thought-- you know how we're now supposed to be teaching children to understand that just because something is on the internet it isn't necessarily true, and to think critically and fact check? (My FIL could use this skill too, LOL) I wonder if developing this critical thinking skill could eventually be transferable for her to parsing out the BS she may get from her father.

IDK if any of this would be helpful at all... I just had these thoughts bouncing around in my head and wanted to share them with you in case it made any sense. Mostly I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and supporting you. Your children have YOU as their mom and they are going to be just fine, no matter what.

May