"She's not done with you yet, Steve. WW's are savage creatures. In the next few weeks, she's gonna pull out the big guns and you need to be prepared. She's gonna cry, tell you how much she loves you, and how bad she screwed up. Maybe about how OM is a monster and abusive. And you're gonna go right back to old behaviors to try to be the hero and save her. Trust me. I've been there. You need to have it cemented in your head that this is all part of the script and she doesn't mean any of it. I'm afraid if you're not prepared, she's gonna melt you like a popsicle on a hot day and you're right back where you started."
I refer to this as the "steering wheel", chump lady calls it the "charm/rage/self pity cycle" - it's best to be prepared to see it before it comes - it's whatever they can use to "steer" your emotions - manipulation.
Doesn't matter if she's doing it intentionally or knowingly. As soon as you see it - you will know you are being manipulated.
W will know what will make you act(your kids, getting them out of OM's house, her and kids 'safety') etc. I would pay attention to how she responds when you tell her No. That's usually when it's more evident.
Glad you are taking care of yourself! IC has changed my life and I highly recommend it!!
Take care of yourself!
Last edited by 97Hope; 01/16/2101:09 AM. Reason: I can't spell to save my life today
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
There is only so much advice you can read before you start taking it. Thank you guys. I had to stand up to this tonight and look it in the eyes. Last night my wife invited me over for dinner and then we slept in the bed together with my daughter I stayed overnight. She was telling our baby how nice it is to be together, how happy she was about it and going to trips and etc as a family.
Today she posts on social media a pic of her in a towel from the shower with cleavage and it says “officially accepting applications for hiking and travel buddies”
I called her up at work as said tf is that? You are having me stay the night, telling our kids that you want to be a family and then posting up stuff like that to get attention from men? Wtf... you agreed it’s me you and the kids and nobody else why would you post that. I got zero issue with you being with the girls, family, friends that are chicks and good people but that post was inappropriate. She said “I don’t want to be in a relationahip right now, your acting like we are married and you want to tell me what I can and can’t do, we still have a lot to work out before we get back together and I am not ready for that”
I told her today okay: no problem. I am fine with living apart it’s kind of fun dating again, I’m okay with spending time with you it’s been really nice to have quality time with you and the kids. But your getting our hopes up and the kids and our family is so happy, but you want to be single. I can’t do that. I’m sorry. If you want to do that I would like to continue the divorce. Or you need to respect our relationship and be invested in it. We cannot be married while you act as if you are single. Figure it out but I won’t tolerate that ever again. I will support you if you want to get divorced I’m okay with it. But I don’t want to spend time with you anymore Because I don’t want me and the kids getting hurt all over again unless your committed to working on each other and our M.
I am scared she will go the way I don’t want (single) but at this point I am losing nothing because I do not have her and I am sick and tired of being jerked around like a dumbass. I embraced the fear when I was in Iraq getting shot at and got the job done, I need to soldier up, buckle down and stand up for what I want. That’s what I’m doing. I will update if there is any update. At this point I expect to be D’d in a couple months and that’s okay.
Last edited by Steve_; 01/16/2104:26 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Now that you've told her what you will and will not tolerate, I would HIGHLY suggest NOT having any more talks with her. I would also not spend any more time with her.
Consider this a lesson learned the hard way.
Maybe you could read your thread back and look a the advice given and see where the vets were coming from and what you did/didn't do? In the book, MWD talks about doing what works and not doing what doesn't work.
Sometimes it helps if we can see it with our own eyes.
Pay attention to her actions (seeking attention on FB) NOT her words. She is telling you who she is, so now it's time for YOU to decide how you want to live.
Once you truly let go of the fear of D - everything will change. You will make choices that are good for you and your kids and not what will "get her back". I can't recall a single sitch that involved 'nicing' the W back. I doubt you will find any. The only way forward for you is to work on yourself. You are a badass. You've just forgotten. Yes, soldier up and move forward!! You can do this!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I agree 100%. I had To just stop. Her sister invited me to her birthday tonight I went but I paid 0% attention to the wife. The family loves me they openly pushed to recon for us. I got up and I left early I never do that. I hugged and loved on everyone but her. My son came running to the driveway after me I hugged him. She got nothing. She deserves nothing. For once I don’t feel bad. She hurt me and it’s okay for me to be done. So many people love me if one woman doesn’t it’s her loss. I feel not great but also okay. Thanks everyone. It’s been really hard.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Steve_, I’m sorry bro that [censored]. I remember sitting in a divorce group therapy session, my first one ever. I’m sitting there crying and I tell them “I’ve had people try to kill me before, and it never felt this scary.” You know what I mean. You go out on patrol and you expect to get shot at eventually. Something is gonna go down one day, so you prepare and train for it.
But not here. You never prepared for this. You got caught off guard. The wounds cut deep, and they scare you. The betrayal. The gaslighting. The abuse. How it affects your kids. None of it is what you expected in a million years.
You need to retreat to a safe position and regroup. I don’t think you have even read Sandi’s rules, and if you did you need to read them again. And again. You should also look into reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”.
You need to build your team. You need a therapist. (At the very least use your EAP benefits). You need close friends to tell you when you’re being dumb. You need to select a GOOD attorney... not the cheapest or first one in the google search. The BEST one you can get. Ask people you know who have been divorced, they will tell you who to use and who NOT to use.
Your WW is not who she used to be. And that’s normal, which is scary and seems surreal. But the good news is that they all do the same things. The SAME things, seriously... that’s how so many of us have watched your situation go down exactly like we thought it would. Because there is an unwritten wayward spouse handbook. It is almost like a collective consciousness mental disorder amongst waywards.
Get counseling. Get an attorney. Nobody is coming. You have to save yourself.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Steve_, you need therapy. Your problems are bigger than this board can help with. You've been told by multiple people exactly what she was going to do. She does it and you still don't take the advice. Accepting invites from her to stay over. And then completely losing it when she continues acting single. At this point you should be further along in your understanding of how this works and how you should be interacting with her. And more importantly how you should not be interacting with her.
Good luck Steve_, I'll keep you in my prayers. I may even check into your thread from time to time. But until you commit to therapy you'll continue to allow this woman to hook you, reel you in, and then throw you back.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/16/2102:47 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
