Whenever I see a post as long as yours, I think "Oh no". Here are my thoughts:
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"she was agitated" "she was upset" "she was so agitated" "she really was angry" "That pissed her off " "I tried to listen and validate as best I could. I tried to show gratitude and be calm and gentle as I could. I tried to be strong and not cave. I did say I’m sorry about five times in different spots. It’s so hard to stop when I’m so used to it." "I stayed calm as she raised her voice" "I stayed calm through the conversation."
Right now you are the trigger. Your job as the man is to listen and validate her feelings. Do not feed them. Do not fear them. Do not try to control them. They are her emotions. Let her own them. Read that Validation thread daily. Burn it into your communication style.
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"I kept trying to focus on moving through the agreement '
That is her job. Your job is to validate. She wants this separation/divorce. Not you. Let her do the work. You just evaluate what she proposes. You can always postpone your decision. "I need time to think about that" or "I will let you know when I decide" etc.
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"I pointed out that she should be happy"
Never do this again.
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But that under no circumstances did I agree to the divorce and I tried to make that very clear.
What you resists, persists.
These are words PuppyDogTails used: "I do not believe divorce is the solutions to our problems, but if divorce is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
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It was a wild, exhausting night.
I bet. You tried to bite off to much. Keep things to one topic at a time.
If I were in your shoes, I text her:
H:"W, I believe it would be best from now on if we address one topic at a time. If you agree, what topic should we address first?"
Notice how I did not say go have a conversation with her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The WW business is a customer you want know part of and will never understand them because I don’t think they understand themselves. They just know they are not happy. Just like with a customer you can force them to buy from you. You can supply the best product possible but the customer has free will.
You ever have a customer who leaves you and ends up with a cheaper and lower value customer only to return to you in the future because you supply a superior product? Bet it happens a lot right? Same thing for the WWs.
I'm confused by Steve's response. Steve, how would you define Divorce Busting?
Avoiding R talks like the plague. Remember you are supposed to be GAL. So when she sat down to "discuss" the plan you should have stuck to discussing the plan.
Once you she said her peace on the plan, and you listen and validated, you simply said "Ok, well I need some more time to digest all of this. But I have some things I need to do." Then got up and walked away.
Listen. Validate. Avoid subjects not related to the issue at hand (the plan). GAL by getting up and walking away.
That was what you should have done. Your repeating that she wants this, you reacting to her emotions (see R2C's resposne), you getting into a tit-for-tat with her was all NOT DBing.
Like I said, from my perspective the only thing you did well was to stay calm.
In the future, you should avoid these discussions. Simply have her send it to her. YOu review, have your lawyer review it, and then give her written feedback.
Do not use things like this as an excuse to violate the "no R talks" rule.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So sorry your going through this man. hang in there
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I’m exhausted. Told the kids today. They did better than I thought. Had a big family cry. I’ll type more tomorrow or Monday.
First off Scotty you have the worst of it behind you and as I said earlier in this entire process it's never as bad as you think it will be. Her moving out is the last step. Your W is really selfish that she couldn't wait until after the holidays.
It's been a long exhausting journey for you but I promise you it will get better.
Last night was easier than this morning. I’m sure I’ll get it together and stop crying soon. Every time there is a conversation or event I journal about it and then sometimes I’ll share my journal here. So this is how it happened:
11/7 The Kids —————— One of the hardest days of my life. I got up and worked out hoping that would help but the burden of the day was heavy.
We had D’s family scavenger hunt with which I knew would be the last family activity we would have before we told them. It was fun doing the different activities but their was an obvious tension between W and I. Still, some of the pictures we took will be memories for a lifetime - at least for me. And go figure, we ended up winning too.
Then we came home and W and I talked about how we were going to tell them. I remember just staring at the clock as the minutes went by it was 3:15p.
We went downstairs and gathered the kids and I did all the talking. I sat on the floor with the three of them on the couch. Watching the tears in all of their eyes was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done and there was know way around it. I tried to be gentle but clear. We all cried and we all held one another. D was wimpering like she did when she was a baby she was crying so hard. I scooped her up in my arms and just rocked her back and force as she nestled into me. Son was stone faced with tears streaming down his cheeks. Neither of them asked any questions.
After some time and telling them the details holly asked if they wanted to see the house. D was excited about it. She hates feeling sad so this gave her something fun to focus on and get away from her feelings. Son seemed to almost know which house it was - it made me wonder if he had found and read through all of Ws notes or something but that’s unlikely.
W asked the kids if they wanted to see the house and D said yes, Son said no. She then invited me and he said he would go. We drove by the new house to show them where it was. There were tears with the weight of the moment but also maybe a peace in knowing where they would be.
We got home and W, myself, and D sat on the porch. Son sat in front of the tv to watch a movie. I think he was just looking to escape. We had dinner as a family and we didn’t talk any more about it. Then son and I watched a football game and went to bed.
D and W talked and D had all kinds of questions. She wanted to know if we would continue to wear our wedding rings, why dad stayed in the house, and she was worried about money.
Eventually W and I went to bed. She thanked me for the talk. We talked about some other things, it was obvious she was really torn up. She said it was the worst day of her life.
It did feel like having the conversation tore some of the wall between us down, not that it matters, but maybe it will make living here over the next two weeks better.
One thing my coach said at the very beginning was that I needed to make it as easy as possible for her to walk away logistically because that would make it harder emotionally. I had forgotten that peace of advice. He said it would tear down her walls when she wasn’t fighting me and then she would be able to see me again. The walls keep out the good he said, but let in the bad.
That’s an area I’ve been doing a poor job in but today I did feel like she really opened up in a different way, not that it matters. The winter will be cold - thank god for my kids, family, and friends.
I’m not going to lie your post brought tears to my eyes. I hate this fuching stuff and it’s so preventable if people were more educated and men and woman actually understood each other better.
My ex actually had the keys to her house so we all went over as a family and that seemed to help.
If it’s any consolation to you my kids are doing great so this is survivable for everyone.
That must have been so difficult. I'm sorry your W's actions are causing you and your kids such pain. Since I got through most of my personal feelings of betrayal and sadness, the worst part has definitely been seeing and dealing with my son's emotions - as a parent you never want to see your children hurt and crying. Be there for your kids first and foremost, but don't forget yourself either.
Hang it there.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
