Scott, I think you have this backwards. Most WAS are already convinced that D is the answer. They then go out and find things that agree with that assessment. Likely she didn't from her opinion after finding the article. She went out and found the article after she formed her opinion. It is called confirmation bias.
^^^YES this, absolutely. They also surround themselves with enablers. They may ditch long-time friends and even family members because they encourage them to reconcile, and take on all new "party" friends, many of whom are often also going through separations and divorces.
LH - here is the article that my wife read that convinced her the divorce was the answer
Scott, I think you have this backwards. Most WAS are already convinced that D is the answer. They then go out and find things that agree with that assessment. Likely she didn't from her opinion after finding the article. She went out and found the article after she formed her opinion. It is called confirmation bias.
I can tell you that in my sitch, when my W was dead set on D, she avoided anything that said she shouldn't go for D, and was drawn to anything that said she should.
Steve, you are absolutely right. I'm familiar with the concept of confirmation bias and that is exactly what this is.
LH - Removed link to another site not related to DB
This is the kind of stuff you have to come up with to be a successful divorce coach. I feel ill sharing it it’s so self centered but wrapped up so nicely.
Yep. Is tough. If you listen to the podcast she talks about how women don’t understand their hormones, the female middle age brain and the Happiness U Curve and they seek these sources out for validation of their feelings. Your W needs a midlife transition coach and not a divorce coach.
I listened to the podcast and I actually sent it to my wife after you mentioned it. That was several weeks ago and was a part of my last stand. On the same day I sent her an article about the stages of marriage and pointed out where we were. She had all the information but there is no getting through to her. I'd love to be able to continue the conversation with her or find a way to get through to her but for now space and time are it, she's a lost cause. And even if she changed her mind she would have to work to change so much that I don't think she could do it. She has to separate either way to figure this out. I just wish she was surrounded with people who would hold her accountable. She has gotten rid of all those people from her life. She still hasn't told her sister about this. As someone said, you don't hide things when you are doing the right thing.
Last edited by job; 11/10/2009:43 PM. Reason: Removed outside link not related to DB
AS - I agree with everything you said. I won't sign anything without my attorney reviewing it, but if she does move out that document will begin to govern some of the separation. We are meeting with our mediator two days after she moves out so I will plan on running that by her (she is an attorney).
Quote
^^^YES this, absolutely. They also surround themselves with enablers. They may ditch long-time friends and even family members because they encourage them to reconcile, and take on all new "party" friends, many of whom are often also going through separations and divorces.
^^^Yep. All the people who would call her on this are out of her life. Its incredible. They left when she had the affair. And the ones that called her on it, she ostracized them. Again, she won't tell her sister - I'm wondering when that shoe drops.
So Saturday is going to be interesting. I'm supposed to have a work dinner at 8pm. At 3pm my daughter has a family girl scout outing where our family is going a scavenger hunt that will last an hour. So either my wife is planning to tell my kids before or after -- or she is going to push it to the following weekend.
I will make sure to get a family picture at the scavenger hunt. It will be the last photo family photo before they know 100%.
Yeah I can see you saw it as a last hail Mary attempt in the game but her mind is made up. Also wouldn’t doubt she has her sights set on someone. Your ex and mine are very similar. Unhappy with no real purpose in life. Kids are older and don’t need as much attention. No desire to figure out what’s really going on with her feelings. The good news Scotty is that there are many available amazing women out there and living alone is 1,000 times better then someone unhappy and miserable.
So tonight I went to bed to read after I put my daughter to bed at 9:45p. My wife was putting my son to bed and at 10p came down and came into the room and said “When are we going to discuss telling the kids? Are you avoiding me? Should we just do this over email?” I said that I was trying to give her space and that we could talk about it tomorrow night. She also said we were telling them on Friday because that’s what I wanted. I said i thought we were telling them Saturday. And she chirped well you wanted Friday and left. So I’ve got that going on tomorrow night, thoughts or advice?
I also know she had an hour and a half conversation with her sister and still hasn’t mentioned that her mom bought her a house, that she is separating and getting divorced. I continue to find that to be incredibly bizarre.
I’m two chapters into the lost art of listening. Hoping to read a chapter each night.
Just stick to the points that you love them both very much and this has absolutely nothing to with them. Then answer their questions the best that you can and validate their feelings. I found that this was a another part of the process that I imagined being way worse then it turned to be. I would try to stay away from the jibber jabber your w mapped out. Remember in general less is more.
