I really don’t understand this stuff. It’s 9:50p; she was obviously irritated with me tonight, but never said anything. When the kids went to bed, I said I was going to bed too and I could tell she was just pissed. I don’t know what to do with that. I guess i just ignore it? Normally i would feed into it and try to figure out what was bothering her.
It was either something with my replies to her separation agreement or a joke i made to my son about how he cleans the dishes like his grandpa gordy (her dad) who always did it fast and always had to rewatch them. When I said that to him I noticed her tense up. Anyhow, i just decided to go to bed as opposed to digging into it.
Not your chickens, not your farm.
"Normally i would feed into it and try to figure out what was bothering her." Great, 180 on this! Stop trying to fix her/it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kids 1 made me laugh out loud. If this was the case you wouldn't be getting divorced.
Kids 4 seems ridiculous. Like you can't handle it.
Kids 7 of course she doesn't want the kids to know about the A
Kids 9 does that even have to be in there? Last I checked it's a free country
Communication 1 seems odd to me
Communication 3 seems like too much to me covered in 1
Communication 4 same thing as 3
Finances 3 I would want more detail. Are you paying her mortgage and expenses?
Conflict Resolution 1 this made me lol. We can't come to an agreement so let's go shout at each other at a library lol or get a hotel room and have some hate sex lol.
What also [censored] is since she doesn't work you are paying for her divorce coach. Most of this seems nonsensical to me. I definitely would not sign without having a lawyer look at it.
Not to be a neggy nelly but work 2 means nothing. Just ask Unchen.
LH - These comments cracked me up - No joke on number 1. Do I comment on that? Because I would to say exactly what you said and add that to the document.
No don’t mention it she knows. I have issues on the topic of telling the kids too. Your W is out there right now. WTF is a divorce coach anyway and how do I become one because I’m guessing they get paid a lot of money to make $hit up?
I have to admit not real comfortable with these types of agreements except to protect you for custody and finances should things get nasty. It is hard to separate finances and custody on paper without getting in the weeds. Finance and kids are what has to be nailed down. The rest probably holds no legal significance. I would talk to a lawyer because not putting enough detail in here could possibly hurt you later on and lead to disputes. Consider adding you are both fully mentally/physically fit to raise the children should any false accusations be possible later. Funding their education...etc. Don't sign and notarize this without legal review in your state.
I am not planning to sign it based on the input I've gotten. I think I'll say that we will plan to use it as a framework for our arrangement and that we can have our mediator review it if it is really important to my wife to have it signed. More or this document will set the basis for our first meeting with the mediator and ideally move us through that meeting effectively and quickly.
I have some concerns on the financial side, but at the same time I own a business that is equal to the entirety of the rest of my balance sheet. So everything is hers, all the money, all the assets, and I will probably have to take out a loan to buy the rest of the business from her after I give her everything.
I just hope I don't owe alimony on top and that I can manage the child support payments to a reasonable number. If hurting the kids weren't enough, the work I've done over the past five years, while under the constant pressure of her trying to divorce me and her having an affair, losing everything that I have accumulated in life and then owing her more because I've been successful in business, in spite of her -- lets just say that stings more than a little.
Scott, I think you have this backwards. Most WAS are already convinced that D is the answer. They then go out and find things that agree with that assessment. Likely she didn't from her opinion after finding the article. She went out and found the article after she formed her opinion. It is called confirmation bias.
I can tell you that in my sitch, when my W was dead set on D, she avoided anything that said she shouldn't go for D, and was drawn to anything that said she should.
Last edited by job; 11/10/2009:41 PM. Reason: Removed link to another site not related to DB
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH - Removed link to another site not related to DB
This is the kind of stuff you have to come up with to be a successful divorce coach. I feel ill sharing it it’s so self centered but wrapped up so nicely.
Yep. Is tough. If you listen to the podcast she talks about how women don’t understand their hormones, the female middle age brain and the Happiness U Curve and they seek these sources out for validation of their feelings. Your W needs a midlife transition coach and not a divorce coach.
Last edited by job; 11/10/2009:39 PM. Reason: Removed references to another site not related to DB
LH - Removed link to another site not related to DB
This is the kind of stuff you have to come up with to be a successful divorce coach. I feel ill sharing it it’s so self centered but wrapped up so nicely.
Just read that article. Wow, I garuntee if my W read it she would 100% agree with it. A divorce coach wow.. I feel like some people will take advantage of anything for an easy buck.
Last edited by job; 11/10/2009:41 PM. Reason: Removed outside link not related to DB
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Scott, I can't remember if you answered this before, but is there a legal separation agreement in your state? There isn't in Texas, so my XW and I wrote up an agreement and both signed it but it was not formally filed anywhere. HOWEVER, it DID end up being the basis of the divorce agreement, because it set the precedence on child visitation and such.
In my opinion, this needs to be a black and white no frills document outlining the visitation schedule, the division of assets, etc. Your document is kind of a strange mix of legal statements and emotional expectations that don't really belong together. Perhaps make it two separate documents, one outlining the legal aspects and the other outlining expectations (which are not legally binding). I've copied it below and struck out the items that look to me like expectations, and that I think should go in a separate document that doesn't get formally signed.
I'm not a lawyer, but I do suggest you absolutely review this with one before presenting it to your wife and solicit feedback and advice.
Quote
Goal/Purpose of Separation: To give space to each other to move through this process as peacefully and compassionately as possible.
Duration of this agreement: 1. 6 months with review 2. Check-in at 90 days
Living Arrangements: Scott will remain in the family home. WAW will find alternative living arrangements.
Kids: 1. We will put the kids’ best interest first and not our own wants/needs. 2. Neither parent will pit the kids against the other parent. We will always try to be as respectful to the other parent as possible and answer questions honestly and help the kids to feel secure during this time of transition. 3. Kids will live between 2 homes. 4. WAW will handle all of the kids’ activities, homework, and care during weekdays. WAW will take child to tutoring on Mondays. - On Scott’s days he will pick the kids up after school and be home for them. 5. Parent A will have the kids Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend. Parent B will have the children Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend. - Transitions will occur at school. The parent that has the kids on Tuesday night will be expected to get the kids to school on Wednesday. The parent that has the kids on Thursday will be expected to get the kids to school Friday. The parent that has the children on Sunday will be expected to get the kids to school on Monday. If kids stuff needs to move from one house to the other, the parent will drop the child’s stuff off in a designated location at the other parents home - potentially a garage or on the porch. 6. Either parent may communicate with kids via phone, email, or text, even when away, so as to stay in touch with the kids and reassure them that they are there for them. 7. We will be honest with our children, but they do not have to know the intimate details of what happened inside of our marriage. 8. If school closes due to COVID, WAW will handle the remote learning. If WAW has a job at that time, this plan will be reevaluated. - Scott will take his days in this case. This plan can be re-evaluated and discussed.(negotiate a plan and stick to it) 9. Both parents will attend kid activities. 10. The other parent will have the first option to watch the kids if they will be left alone for longer than 1 hour. - 2 hours, this gives flexibility for workouts. 11. Scott and the kids will travel for Thanksgiving 2020. 12. WAW and the kids will travel for a time period over Christmas yet to be determined and communicated with Scott. The kids will be home for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. 13. We will tell the kids about our separation plan on 11/6/2020. 14. For the first six month of the year (based on the County Holiday Schedule) Scott will get New Year’s, President’s Day, Memorial Day. WAW will get MLK day, Easter, Fourth of July. The County schedule provides transition times for Holidays. This helps resolve potential conflicts. WAW gets kids Birthdays in Odd Years. Scott will get even years. WAW gets Mother’s Day, Scott gets father’s day.
Communication with each other: 1. We will only speak with each other as needed, so that we each have space during this time. 2. If there is a family emergency (kid in hospital, etc.), we will let each other know immediately with a text or a call. 3. We will communicate several days prior to the change of shift for the weekends, to inform each other of kids’ activities, etc. WAW will write up kids’ activity schedules for the weekend and we will talk on the phone or in person to discuss. 4. At the end of the weekends, we will discuss what happened with the kids, etc., that weekend and take care of any necessary communications re: kids, pets, house, etc.
House: 1. Kids’ chores — We will remind kids of issues regarding their homework and chores depending upon what’s due and what day of week is affected. 2. Maintenance issues — If a maintenance issue arises on the couple’s primary home, we will discuss and come to agreement on how to best handle it, such as whether to fix it ourselves or call someone to fix it. 3. Pets — child will decide which house her fish is at.
Work: 1. Scott will continue to work, as normal. No significant job changes will occur. Commuting will continue as needed in order to perform his/her job, except for times scheduled to be at home with the kids. 2. WAW will actively be looking for a job.
Finances: 1. There will be no changes to finances. <Insert Name> will still pay <Insert name of bill> bill. Joint bills will continue to be paid out of the joint account. 2. Neither of us will run up unexpected debt or spend more than usual, unless there’s a medical emergency situation. 3. The additional living expenses of the spouse who moves out of the primary home will be paid from the joint account. 4. Both spouses will have full access to all jointly held bank accounts and credit cards (including passwords) during the separation. 5. We will work with our mediator to determine a long-term financial plan.
Conflict Resolution: 1. If conflict does arise during the separation, and a mutual agreement cannot be solved over email or text message, a short face-to-face meeting between us will be held at a public place (library or hotel lobby). 2. If mutual agreements cannot be reached on any subject, we can hire a mutually agreed upon family mediator before either of us engages with a lawyer.
Again, I'm not saying the struck comments are bad and should be deleted, I'm just suggesting they be part of a separate unsigned document of informal expectations.
Also I highly recommend you split all finances ASAP. No joint credit cards, no joint bank account. Come to an agreement on a dollar amount that you will transfer to her biweekly or monthly or whatever. She pays all her bills and credit card debt out of that. You pay your bills and such separately. This is important for a number of reasons, the biggest being that she will feel that you are controlling and manipulating her through money if you don't separate everything. There will be constant arguments over CC purchases and such, I've seen it happen so many times before. If separation is what she wants then separate the finances too.
