LH - She'll be lucky if I'm still here. I'm working on my confidence and trying to build my self-respect back up. Dobson's book was really good, though I haven't finished it - I'm about half done. I know I can find someone that would appreciate me as a husband, father, and man. I'm a solid guy. She has beat me up for a long time and has shown a propensity to lie and hide things. I'd work with her and I'd take her back, but once she is gone and as time passes, and I've already taken my kids through hell, I'll be hard pressed (I think).
I agree Scotty. I think I subconsciously stood for awhile after my divorce but she crossed a line with me by dating a dude I know so that ship has sailed. Plus you’ll find you may now be interested in a different kind of woman. You’re not the same person you were when you met your wife. No need for you to burn any bridges until you figure what you want out of life moving forward.
I'm Love Must Be Tough and I'm struck by the section where the author has a conversation with 4 people who are divorced who all had spouses that had affairs. Its interesting to me that all the people I can think of first hand who are divorced had to deal with a spouse who had an affair. In the author's conversation he asked about their kids. Its heartbreaking. Almost all the kids had to deal with depression and its effects in different ways. I just can't believe a parent would do this to their kids. It blows my mind.
So my wife sent me a separation agreement today and the key points that relate to our conversation with the kids. She titled that one "Changing / Not Changing". She wanted me to review it and then discuss it later. I made some edits.
Its interesting to me that all the people I can think of first hand who are divorced had to deal with a spouse who had an affair. In the author's conversation he asked about their kids. Its heartbreaking. Almost all the kids had to deal with depression and its effects in different ways.
Interesting. I know many single parents--seriously dated three--and affairs rarely come up. I think most parents face "teenage problems", but I only know a few single parents with depressed kids. Doesn't seem the norm. I don't think where you'll be in 5 years is as bleak as it sounds like you're imagining.
Here you go, this is the Changing / Not Changing list: Not Changing
Mom and Dad are still your mom and dad Your brother is still your brother. Sister is still your sister. We are still a family Both parents will be at your activities Mom will still take Diana to tutoring Dad will still take you snowboarding This is not your fault. This will be hard. We are going to go through some tough times and so when we are down, let’s just be honest and say “Hey, today I’m struggling. Don’t bug me, leave me alone. Or I really need your support today.” Our doors are alway open and it's okay to be sad, or mad, or to feel any of your feelings.
Changing
Two homes Thanksgiving this year will be with Dad Christmas in MN will be with Mom
"Both parents will be at your activities." - Interesting idea. I haven't seen that one before. I choose what goes down during my custody period, and my ex chooses what goes down during her custody period.
I see some cans of worms. Consider how you would meet this promise given RustyMom's latest update where her school is only allowing one parent at sporting events, or how you'd explain your absence at Christmas activities in MN, or that you may later prefer to go to half of soccer games instead of seeing her new boyfriend hanging out with the coach and actively rooting for your kid every time you go.
CW - Interesting takes. The more important document is the separation agreement. I hate to do it but your feedback on the other was so good I'm going to post that for feedback. This document is meant to govern the relationship until the divorce is final - It was her idea from her Divorce Coach.
Goal/Purpose of Separation: To give space to each other to move through this process as peacefully and compassionately as possible.
Duration of this agreement: 1. 6 months with review 2. Check-in at 90 days
Living Arrangements: Scott will remain in the family home. WAW will find alternative living arrangements.
Kids: 1. We will put the kids’ best interest first and not our own wants/needs. 2. Neither parent will pit the kids against the other parent. We will always try to be as respectful to the other parent as possible and answer questions honestly and help the kids to feel secure during this time of transition. 3. Kids will live between 2 homes. 4. WAW will handle all of the kids’ activities, homework, and care during weekdays. WAW will take child to tutoring on Mondays. - On Scott’s days he will pick the kids up after school and be home for them. 5. Parent A will have the kids Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend. Parent B will have the children Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend. - Transitions will occur at school. The parent that has the kids on Tuesday night will be expected to get the kids to school on Wednesday. The parent that has the kids on Thursday will be expected to get the kids to school Friday. The parent that has the children on Sunday will be expected to get the kids to school on Monday. If kids stuff needs to move from one house to the other, the parent will drop the child’s stuff off in a designated location at the other parents home - potentially a garage or on the porch. 6. Either parent may communicate with kids via phone, email, or text, even when away, so as to stay in touch with the kids and reassure them that they are there for them. 7. We will be honest with our children, but they do not have to know the intimate details of what happened inside of our marriage. 8. If school closes due to COVID, WAW will handle the remote learning. If WAW has a job at that time, this plan will be reevaluated. - Scott will take his days in this case. This plan can be re-evaluated and discussed. 9. Both parents will attend kid activities. 10. The other parent will have the first option to watch the kids if they will be left alone for longer than 1 hour. - 2 hours, this gives flexibility for workouts. 11. Scott and the kids will travel for Thanksgiving 2020. 12. WAW and the kids will travel for a time period over Christmas yet to be determined and communicated with Scott. The kids will be home for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. 13. We will tell the kids about our separation plan on 11/6/2020. 14. For the first six month of the year (based on the County Holiday Schedule) Scott will get New Year’s, President’s Day, Memorial Day. WAW will get MLK day, Easter, Fourth of July. The County schedule provides transition times for Holidays. This helps resolve potential conflicts. WAW gets kids Birthdays in Odd Years. Scott will get even years. WAW gets Mother’s Day, Scott gets father’s day.
Communication with each other: 1. We will only speak with each other as needed, so that we each have space during this time. 2. If there is a family emergency (kid in hospital, etc.), we will let each other know immediately with a text or a call. 3. We will communicate several days prior to the change of shift for the weekends, to inform each other of kids’ activities, etc. WAW will write up kids’ activity schedules for the weekend and we will talk on the phone or in person to discuss. 4. At the end of the weekends, we will discuss what happened with the kids, etc., that weekend and take care of any necessary communications re: kids, pets, house, etc.
House: 1. Kids’ chores — We will remind kids of issues regarding their homework and chores depending upon what’s due and what day of week is affected. 2. Maintenance issues — If a maintenance issue arises on the couple’s primary home, we will discuss and come to agreement on how to best handle it, such as whether to fix it ourselves or call someone to fix it. 3. Pets — child will decide which house her fish is at.
Work: 1. Scott will continue to work, as normal. No significant job changes will occur. Commuting will continue as needed in order to perform his/her job, except for times scheduled to be at home with the kids. 2. WAW will actively be looking for a job.
Finances: 1. There will be no changes to finances. <Insert Name> will still pay <Insert name of bill> bill. Joint bills will continue to be paid out of the joint account. 2. Neither of us will run up unexpected debt or spend more than usual, unless there’s a medical emergency situation. 3. The additional living expenses of the spouse who moves out of the primary home will be paid from the joint account. 4. Both spouses will have full access to all jointly held bank accounts and credit cards (including passwords) during the separation. 5. We will work with our mediator to determine a long-term financial plan.
Conflict Resolution: 1. If conflict does arise during the separation, and a mutual agreement cannot be solved over email or text message, a short face-to-face meeting between us will be held at a public place (library or hotel lobby). 2. If mutual agreements cannot be reached on any subject, we can hire a mutually agreed upon family mediator before either of us engages with a lawyer.
