Trying to keep hope

[MrBrside]

I don’t really have an urge to see or talk to W right now. I’ve been doing so much better with that out of sight and out of mind. I think more so I’m just trying to pick others brains to see what helped in their sitch.

I've said this before - several times.. You have no house, no children - nothing really that you need to wife for. BUT i think from your recent posts, this contact from her has set you back - not healthy - But what else has it shown - If you replied to say there was nothing to talk about if still with the OM, and she hasnt replied - She is still with OM..

So, regardless of the fact that she was still loving life with OM, she decided to tell you ILY, IMY etc - Why - Control and basic WW selfishness / keep then stung along etc etc - we have seen it 1000 times before.

This has set you spinning - If she does it again, i would block all contact.. You need to remember this is about focusing on you.. She is focusing on her / plan B / control... You can't control this, but you can control your own actions and responses.. With no kids and no other reason to speak,you can take the control and stop her actions impacting you as much...

Re what helps in sitchs.. every person is different.. Looking back, and on reflection, although i am opinionated about walking away now, i suspect that while DBing in Jan / Feb 2019, i would have forgot all i read on here and taken the WW back with open arms.. She was sleeping with OM3 ( and i now know OM2 ) and running the WW script to a T.. But for the love of the family / her / kids yada yada yada i suspect i would have found a way to justify taking her back if she dropped OM3.

And i will add - WW can smell this.. Although we try to enforce these techniques, they are always proding and poking for that weekness - Your wife knows that if she drops OM, you will take her back tomorrow - and i strongly suspect you would do it without making her work. You may be staying stong with keeping No contact, but if you told her there was nothing to discuss while with other man, her mind will be "Oh right, hes not interested because im with OM - if i drop OM tomorrow, hes a plan B"... So although you may not have danced to her tune, you showed her you will still dance one day.

Then ( in my sitch ) the rose tinted glasses broke - it was 1 comment... a few words which changed my life. It was a monday evening and she was due to meet a "friend" (OM3 ) - my Grandad ( who i was really close to ) had a stroke and WW had to look after the children - she accused me of "making up my grandad having a stroke to stop her meeting her "friend" .. She then proceeded to call and text me multiple at the hospital to check when i was back as she had plans... So my Grandad has had a stroke ( never recovered ) and her focus is me getting back for the children, so she can see OM. It was the a cruel / evil comment, but it was the end.. There was no going back, ever..

This was the best thing to happen in my sitch - 1 comment and i was free. There was no fake till you make it... She was effectively dead to me and always will be.. Sandy writes that WW are selfish.. I class her words as sheer evil, but it opened my eyes.. Everything we have highlighted about you WW has not sunk in to your brain, becuase you ae still in the LBS fog. Regardless of her being a bad partner and probably a bad mother, you would take her back.

Unfortunetly nobody knows that will be your glasses smash trigger. Once it does, you will see everything so differently - You will read the words from people on your posts differently - you will reflect back differently - and most importantly, you will see your future differently - and you will be eager to move forward with life, without WW..

However, you probbaly wont know what will trigger this until it happens..

[LH19]

In all honesty though I’m not feeling the illusion of action right now. I don’t really have an urge to see or talk to W right now. I’ve been doing so much better with that out of sight and out of mind. I think more so I’m just trying to pick others brains to see what helped in their sitch. .

I don't think you being honest with yourself Indy. If you have read Curtis' thread you will know he was good a digging through the old threads and finding threads to justify him to pursue and have relationship talks.

I understand you're still hoping for recon because after all that's what this forum is about. What I am curious about is what that will look like? She gets tired of OM or vice versa and just says " I made a mistake lets go back to how it was" and you say ok? Or do you invision the Hollywood ending where she begs for forgiveness and spends the rest of her life trying to make it up to you? The first is more likely the second only happens in Hollywood.

These situations are usually about resentment which leads to disrespect. In your situation it's just about disrespect. IMO you haven't been married long enough for resentment. The only thing that counters disrespect is strength.

[Indy470]

Brside,
Thanks for the response. I took awhile to think through what you said.
That's pretty unbelievable with your WW. I'm sorry you had to go through that I dont think mine is quite that low.
I cant imagine her doing something like that. I think she still cares about me,
just not more than she cares about doing what shes doing right now.
This could be my rose colored glasses.
I'm sure I am still in a fog. I'm working on it, but thanks again for staying with me on
here and giving me some things to consider. I totally see what you mean about
based on what i said, she knows if OM is gone, I'm still here. Not exactly a position of value.

LH,
Ya I've read his threads. Those were pretty tough to read.
I can assure you I'm not gonna be pursuing her or trying to initiate R talks.

In regards to recon, I have no idea what it looks like.
I know she would have to want it, whole heatedly and we'd have to move on.
Although I'd want to know she was sorry I wouldn't want her to spend the rest of her life trying to make up for it. That sounds miserable for her and for me. I'd want to move past it and continue a life together after we worked through the issues.

I agree that it wasn't about resentment, more so about a lack of respect.

[LH19]

I cant imagine her doing something like that. I think she still cares about me,
just not more than she cares about doing what shes doing right now.

Are you basing this statement on actions or words?

[Valeska19]

Brside,I cant imagine her doing something like that. I think she still cares about me,
just not more than she cares about doing what shes doing right now.
This could be my rose colored glasses.

The question I have is... Is the way she is caring about your currently the way you want to be cared about?

In regards to recon, I have no idea what it looks like.

I think it's worth trying to get that picture.

I know she would have to want it, whole heatedly and we'd have to move on.

Again what does that look like? Specific actions help create the picture.

Although I'd want to know she was sorry I wouldn't want her to spend the rest of her life trying to make up for it. That sounds miserable for her and for me. I'd want to move past it and continue a life together after we worked through the issues.

If she wanted to recon and show you for the rest of her life - that would be her choice. Also at some point it would be transitioning from "showing" to just "being". She wouldn't have to work at being more open or more respectful. She would just become more respectful. She can't do that right now. And it seems like you struggle with asking for it.

You have to teach people how to treat you. Not with your words, but with your actions.

[Indy470]

Update:

W texted this morning with ILY, IMY and asking where it would start
if we wanted to try again. She called after I didn't respond and we talked on
the phone for about 4 hours. I know, I know. She shared with me that she had been wearing
her wedding ring again. Told me She loved me so much. She missed me. We caught up a lot
about family and things going on inside each others lives. She said she knew we needed
to talk about things but when we started too she broke down. I felt bad for her. I gave her a
minute to compose herself and she said we could talk about everything but wanted to know
if we could just enjoy this time talking to each other today. I agreed. She made several
suggestions about recon, not updating addresses, future holidays, seeing family together.
I didnt hear anything after the call and then about 12 hours later she texted saying ILY.

Honestly it was really nice talking to her but I wanted to get some feedback here as you guys always see things a little more clearly than I do since I'm so wrapped up in it.

What do I take away from this phone call?

[Ginger1]

Did she confirm OM is out of the picture?

[Indy470]

Ginger,
No..

When the call headed in the direction of discussing that and other things, she broke down
and said she knows we need to talk about things but asked if we could just enjoy this time talking to
each other.

I didnt push.

Should I have pushed on this?
What should I have done differently?

[Ginger1]

“We have nothing to discuss until OM is out of the picture”

[Mumin]

Unfortunately it sounds like this was 4 hours of cake eating.
Just enjoy this time talking together...


You put it pretty well yourself a few posts back.
"I keep reminding myself for things to get better, it has to be over with OM.
Not that things need to get better in order for it to be over with OM."