ATL...that is how she feels RIGHT NOW. That could change but you can’t count on it. I know this is so, so, so hard. I remember feeling the way you are. You have to pull yourself together and stop focusing on the “she’s purposely tearing our family apart” belief. Like LH wrote...she is doing this to be happy. She believes this is her only shot at being happy. Step aside and let her take it because trying to stop her will only make her want it more...and her resentment toward you will build. Let her go. It is you only choice if you EVER want a chance for reconciliation. I know it’s counterintuitive. I know you want to hang on to her and the life you thought you would have with both hands. But you can’t do that. It will NOT get you what you want. Take the focus off of her and 100% on to you and your son. Yes...you will be around him less. It sux. Make the most of the time you have and go for quality not quantity. Be the best dad you can be. You can do this. Stay the course and keep moving forward without your W. When/if her feelings change, she will reach out. (((HUGS)))
How can I take best advantage of my situation right now? We all I’ve together right now, no one is moving out, and there’s good harmony.
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
Stay positive and upbeat and really start to think about what kind of life you want for you and your son. Are you eating healthy, hitting the gym, going out with friends, starting new hobbies?
One issue I've found that has been a real stumbling block in our relationship has been a serious sense of entitlement that I have developed.
I set lofty goals which I feel I'm entitled to, or deserve to have, but will get quickly turned off by the work. I then feel depressed for "giving up" and even more uninterested in my goal, which leads to more depression; a negative feedback loop from Hell.
This comes up in relationships, careers, and even hobbies. I constantly compare my short comings to others success. I have an unhealthy expectation for praise and acceptance. I live in the past, and allow mistakes and failures to haunt me, so I over compensate. All of this leads to an unhealthy and inflated sense of self worth, a feeling of being actually superior to others who slight me. I have a skewed view of others value and worth. In the end I won't follow the rules, make short cuts, slack off, and make excuses. I'll spend money I don't have to get toys that others have whom I feel I'm superior to.
For my W, I have developed an untrusting pattern of unfulfilled promises. My approach to living is fundamentally incompatible with hers that sets a goal, and seeks it out.
She's not wrong. How do I DB with this understanding?
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
Wow...ATL. Your self assessment is pretty harsh... like you are really beating yourself up. Insight is great but only if you use it to make some changes. So how do you DB with this understanding? First of all, sound like you could use some outside guidance in the form of an IC. That attitude comes from somewhere and you need to figure that out. LIkely it is fear... fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection...there are lots of possibilities. Second of all, you train yourself to recognize when those fears come up and you stop them dead in their tracks with more realistic positive self-talk and opposite actions. It’s that simple...and it’s that difficult. It takes a lot of self awareness and commitment. You need to make these changes for you. Whether your W notices or not is besides the point. If you are consistent, she eventually will BUT your motivation should not be about impressing her...it should be about impressing yourself.
Ever since I made a commitment to DB principles, things have been more positive, and friendly in our house. My W initiates fun conversation, we laugh, tell jokes, play with our S6. She has a concern, I listen and validate, and it's usually not about me, but something else in her life. It's the best it's been months. Her voice radiates when she speaks to me. She texted me the other day to ask where I was at when I was running errands.
It honestly doesn't seem fake. But where is it coming from?
She hasn't approached me about R, and with the exception of the conversation last week, nothing about D. Even then I was the one who was said "separate," only for her to nod and immediately blanch when I pointed out that she couldn't say it, but immediately told her that I genuinely know this is hard on her, and it was ok. She looked away and seemed misty eyed taken back. She looked conflicted.
Does my situation sound normal or the least bit common? So far she can't say the word R/D. She seems joyful and happy, and relaxed around me.
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
Ever since I made a commitment to DB principles, things have been more positive, and friendly in our house. My W initiates fun conversation, we laugh, tell jokes, play with our S6.
This is good for your son.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
She has a concern, I listen and validate, and it's usually not about me, but something else in her life.
This is good. Validation is very powerful.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
It's the best it's been months. Her voice radiates when she speaks to me. She texted me the other day to ask where I was at when I was running errands.
This is good for your son.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
It honestly doesn't seem fake. But where is it coming from?
It's coming from relief. She feels good that the cat is out of the bag.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
She hasn't approached me about R, and with the exception of the conversation last week, nothing about D. Even then I was the one who was said "separate," only for her to nod and immediately blanch when I pointed out that she couldn't say it, but immediately told her that I genuinely know this is hard on her, and it was ok. She looked away and seemed misty eyed taken back. She looked conflicted.
Unfortunately she is not conflicted but probably is sad. She doesn't like hurting you or your son.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
Does my situation sound normal or the least bit common?
Its very normal. You are lucky you have one of the better WWs.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
So far she can't say the word R/D. She seems joyful and happy, and relaxed around me.
Again because she feels relieved. ATL I don't want you to give up hope but she hasn't changed her mind. Likely won't for years. If you are in it to recon you have to play the long game.
Years? You mean it’s conceivable she’ll want to maintain this for years? I don’t see that happening. Is that the typical timeline with WW, years?
I didn’t expect a quick fix, and have made peace with that, but “years?” Does it usually take that long?
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
No I mean she will likely divorce you and realize years down the road she isn't happier. Typically in these situations things have to get worse before they get better. I'm being honest with you because I can see you are setting yourself up for a major disappointment. You see she finally is moving forward with what she has probably been planning for years and you have accepted it relatively well so she feels relieved. That's why the laughing and joking. However this typically makes the LBS think things are getting better so they eventually end up bringing up a relationship talk in which the WW quickly reminds them nothing has changed.
The quickest way back together is to go in the complete opposite direction. Wish her well and go out and live a kick a$$ life. The longer you hang on the longer and painful it will be for you. The hardest thing to to right now is to accept that she is done and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her mind. Pursuit is the number one enemy of DB. Are you strong enough to let her go?
