Firstly, what a crazy couple of weeks. I, like everyone else, am stuck at home. I am able to work from home, which is a godsend at the moment. It means there is at least [i] some [/] human interaction, and it provides a kind of routine to my days.
I've just read through Dilly's thread about how she feels coping with BD has made her more able to deal with what is going on now in the world, that by just knowing she could get through that, has given her the mental and physical resilience to deal with this. It would be so easy to fall apart now, get caught up in the panic and the fear, but she is right, what got us through our separations will get us through this - keeping busy, meditating, exercise and making small incremental improvements. Most importantly I guess, its having learnt to be comfortable and happy in my own company. TBH what I am finding is I need to force myself to interact with others.
Anyway, I am ok. Coping. Happy. Keeping busy.
My relationship with D13 has gotten worse and she has not spoken to me in nearly a month. She has largely been living at her dads (he has not been flying much). It all started, as usual, about us running late. We had to pick up D10 from her tutors (we were already late) and then head into London to watch a show. I had tried to get D13 to wake up 45 minutes before we were due to leave but she grumbled at me. I tried again 15 mins later and she grumpily got up and I left her to getting ready. When we were due to leave, I shouted up, I'm ready whenever you are, and then waited downstairs. 15 minutes later I went up and told her we really needed to go as we were now late for D10's pick up and would be late for the show if we stayed any longer. She said she wasn't ready so I waited another 15 minutes and eventually told her if she wasn't ready, I would leave without her. She shouted she didn't want to go anyway and I left - D10's tutoring had finished 15 mins ago and it would take me 15 mins to get there and the show (1.5 hours away) started in 1.5 hours. I called my MIL in a panic and asked her what I should do (go back for D13 and miss the show, or take D10 to the show without D13). My MIL said she would come by and look after D13 as D10 was really looking forward to watching the show (it was the Harry Potter stage play). D13 hasn't spoken to me since, though to be honest, she has been able to avoid me by staying at her dads or my MILs. She also does not eat at home - she doesn't want to be around me, so sits in her room and refuses to join in on meal times. She sneaks down when I am in the shower or running an errand and grabs whatever she can (snacks, fruit etc) but she has lost a lot of weight. I have told H that I think it is better she stay with him when he is around so at least she is not starving herself. I am not sure what to do - do I let her continue to stay with her dad (and avoid me) or do I tell him to stop enabling her avoidance?
H has been OK throughout, though he has taken her side on a lot of things - he keeps coming back and having a go at me for silly things like not getting her the food she likes (pretty hard when she won't tell me what she wants and she won't go to the shops with me) or allowing her room to get into a state (she screams when I go in there or if I move anything). He also says I haven't apologised or made any effort, but both of these are difficult when she is never here, she won't talk to me when she is or she tells me to 'shut up' when I try and talk to her.
It reminds me of how he was immediately post BD - though when he did talk, it was with venom, and because it is like BD, I guess my coping strategies have evolved. I am friendly and chatty when I do see her, though I don't get much of a response, and I am not challenging her choices to stay in her room or stay at her dads. I try and control my moods when she is rude or dismissive of me. Because I don't react H thinks I am emotionally detached from her, but I don't know how else to react. I ask a question like "Hi honey, how was your day" and I get no response, so I turn and ask D10 the same question (who has probably run across the room to give me a cuddle).
On the house front, things are on hold until the coronavirus thing settles down. Not much chance of viewings during a pandemic. Ditto on the mediation. He seems to be content with waiting - he has many times said he doesn't want to sell the house and has even offered to swap (i.e. he takes the house and I move out), though this will never work because he simply can't afford it, so suspect it was a guttural response to my saying that I can't afford to keep it. He back tracked quickly when I said I would be happy with him moving in.
We are coping well with co-parenting during lock down, mainly because I have worked around him (as usual). He wants the kids more and I have let him. It works for me given I am still working, but I do miss them and hope that my standing aside does not come across to them as I don't want them. I hope he is framing things in a way that doesn't suggest I don't want them.
Anyway, that's my update. I have read most of the threads I follow and will respond at some point today.
Hope everyone is keeping well, safe and sane in this crazy time. If there is one thing I've learned, it is that this too will pass.
FS - that sounds very very hard with your 13 year old. And worrying - for it to continue for a month to the point where she is losing weight is also very difficult. I don't see what else you can do other than what you are doing - especially in these circumstances - and I think reaching out for help from your MIL and your H - which you have done - is also the right thing to do.
I am sure you've thought of it, but I wonder if your 13 year old is reacting to everything that's happening in the world right now - feeling afraid and out of control and taking it out on the closest, safest person? I guess you have to be really careful - as you are being - that conflict over parenting methods doesn't become a proxy for other conflicts between you and your H. (I am saying this to myself as much as you - my son is a little older and while he has meltdowns now and again that aren't age appropriate at all, his behaviour day to day isn't as worrying as your daughter's is). I know my son has in the past become a kind of symbol of respect and control between my H and I, and I am worried in these circumstances that is creeping in again. I don't trust my H to do what is best for him, I think he's motivated more by wanting to be right, wanting to 'win', wanting to get his version of respect. Do you think there's any of that doing on between your H and your daughter, or you and your daughter?
This is very very hard. And our options are so limited right now. What helps when my son is in a sulk is getting the dog involved. Is there something your daughter really loves that you can tempt her towards you with? I'm sure you've already thought of that.
Hang in there!
Edited to add: I guess what strikes me is that you say your H is taking 'her side' on a lot of things. I think my H feels like that too, in conflict between him and our son. I wonder if it might help both of us to take the idea of 'sides' completely off the table, and try as parents to come to some agreement as to what is best for your daughter / my son. As I said, I find that nearly impossible with H when he's in certain moods, and he is of the type who is the world expert on parenting having never read a parenting book, spoken to anyone else about parenting, or considered any other techniques - so it's a very very difficult conversation to have with someone immovable. Is there any agreement or common ground you can seek with your H? Does he have any suggestions for you that you haven't already tried?
I think I am handling it the best way I can, though in the past I have lost my temper, mainly when her sulks were causing me to be late for work or D10 late for school. I know its selfish to say, but in many ways her spending time with H has made for a smoother household. It has also helped that she wants to avoid conflict, so she stays in her room, and is more careful about not leaving a 'footprint' (like picking up towels, tidying after herself when she uses the kitchen). Her room is a state, but that's her safe place so I have avoided saying anything.
When I say he takes her side, he doesn't do it consciously. He is biased towards thinking the worst of me, and add to that D13's own perception bias, together, they feed of each other. I think he is trying to control it though. The other day (before the lock down) he had taken her to football and when they returned he tried to get her to tell me about the game - he said it was very close and exciting and then turned to her and said "tell mummy all about it". She just looked down and walked out of the room. He looked at me and shrugged. He also has suggested I change the wall paper on my phone (D10 is on the lock screen and D13 is the wall paper once it opens) because he says she pointed it out as evidence that I didn't care about her. I guess it is an easy change to make. He is trying. He really does love his children. He has had them a lot - I've been on my own for two days now (he brings them by in the evening) - and I guess that is because he wants to be with them. Just oblivious to the fact that it supports D13 avoiding me and that I really really do miss my kids and that being alone in this large house in many ways s*cks.
I really don't know what to think anymore. For a man who wanted his own space he is now wanting it invaded a lot by his children. The split at the moment isn't even 50/50 - it is closer to 70/30 in his favor. Its like he is done with the single life, and now wants our old life back, just this time without me in it.
I realise that sounds kind of morbid. It really isn't meant to. I am on the phone all day with people (work, friends) and there is a lot of laughter and banter and none family stuff being shared. I am cooking proper home cooked meals and (freezing the majority) and I even baked a banana bread today which made the house smell amazing), meditating regularly and I have watched a ridiculous amount of telly in the evening. My house is so tidy it is ridiculous. I am forever wiping down benches or shifting laundry. It is nice to have time at home.
It doesn't sound morbid. This is an exceptionally difficult time for families where the relationships are unstrained - for those who are navigating more difficult territory, it's even worse than that. You are doing all you can. And like you say, your H loves his daughters and is doing what he can for them. Neither of you need to be perfect parents right now, or ever.
Do you think your daughter might be using these behaviours as a way of getting your H and you to talk to each other? I'm sure you've already thought of that too. It might be her last ditch attempt to force some kind of talk or accommodation between the two of you.
I'm glad you are safe and well and looking after yourself FS. Your 13 year old: teenagers are hard enough to deal with in normal times let alone during a pandemic! I vividly remember being 14 and HATING my mum. I was horrible to her. I regret my behaviour now obviously, but I do wish she had been more assertive in dealing with my horrible behaviour. But it is so difficult for a mum to do this, we are all just muddling through. I was probably closer to my dad for a few years when I was a teenager, and there was no D and my parents have always had a strong M. So to some extent this sitch just exacerbates a normal teen transition. You're safe and she loves you so she can afford to be horrible to you (does this sound familiar to any BDed spouses on here?!) Just keep telling her you love her and when her behaviour is unacceptable, and I hope she pulls through this phase. So many of my friends have teen daughters with severe mental health issues right now, two have been sectioned after suicide attempts. Unimaginably stressful at any time let alone during this crisis. Keep looking after yourself xxx
hi FS! Its great to hear you can work from home! It is a blessing when you have to deal with this situation and your DB in parallel. I was going to add a comment as dillydaf just did, I remember being around 14 and an absolute idiot with my parents, like I wanted to grow up and get my freedom asap. I do not know your situation with her but I would say do not punish yourself too much, be fun and positive and she will be drawn to you.
I have totally changed my attitude towards my S6 from I need to discipline how he is behaving as if he could get away with anything now that we are going through this separation to I will be fun, love him and reward all his positive behaviour and I can tell it has been working wonderfully (my W thinks is the separation and being away form a broken marriage but I am sure my changes have had an effect). Remember this FS, we get the ball rolling, we build up the momentum and the world around will follow!
What things are you doing at home to keep you happy? I just spent a fortune on simracing equipment that is arriving tomorrow
Love, PK
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
HI FS. Sorry to hear about your struggles with D13. Such a tough age in a lot of respects. I promise you that this is not going to be a forever thing. You just keep being the parent you are and she will eventually come around. It is hard to sit by and watch her go through this but it is necessary as any attempts on your part to force a change would just result in her seeing you as the problem instead of her having to look in the mirror and take responsibility. Not that I need to say this but it is important you be consistent in your presentation...loving, open and accepting but also maintaining your boundaries and expectations. Kids need that structure even if they think they don’t. Anyway... I know you have got this and are dealing with everything in typical FS fashion. As Pack_19 said...don’t punish yourself. You are doing the best you can in a really difficult time. Sending you lots of long distance (((HUGS)))!!! Be safe and stay healthy!!!
Thinking of you and hoping you are doing well. I have been thinking when I read your threads about what a total a$$hole I was to my mom when I was 13. It was awful. And just to my mom, too, not my dad. I definitely resonate with Alison's comment about the possibility that your D is taking her fears and anxiety out on the closest and safest person. It doesn't make it any easier in the moment, but maybe knowing that her behavior stems from her deep love and trust in you-- and she's acting out because she's a teenager and simply doesn't know how (yet) to control her emotions about everything around her that she has zero control over-- can ease the pain, even just a little bit?
Hope things are going ok.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thought I'd second May's check-in. I hope you are well my dear. I realize that the majority of the parents in the world have an enormous burden right now of trying to balance their "normal" world while keeping their kids physically safe, educated, and emotionally secure. I'm thinking of you.
Hi FS, how are you doing? I can imagine your H has not been working much right now! How are things going? I think we all had vague or serious plans for how our lives were going to change pre-covid and now so much has changed and so much is on hold. I hope you are coping xxx
