Just got a peak of her balance statements on her credit cards, and perhaps she's not doing her finances as well as I thought she was. We typically play our credit card statements in full every month, but last month she carried over $2k. I figure she had a jump in her balance from her attorney retainer, but would have thought she'd transfer money from her savings in order to cover it. But her decision making hasn't been ideal lately.
Just got a peak of her balance statements on her credit cards, and perhaps she's not doing her finances as well as I thought she was. We typically play our credit card statements in full every month, but last month she carried over $2k. I figure she had a jump in her balance from her attorney retainer, but would have thought she'd transfer money from her savings in order to cover it. But her decision making hasn't been ideal lately.
Yup... we were the same way... I paid everything in full every month.
He wants control of his life and he is racking up his credit card.
Yup... we were the same way... I paid everything in full every month.
He wants control of his life and he is racking up his credit card.
Perhaps she has done this more than I thought and she just never mentioned it. She is definitely less frugal than I am, but she makes quite a bit. I am about to give her the last couple of utilities (that I considered mine just because it's more in line with my areas of knowledge) - satellite and internet, as well as the insurance bill (minus my car's portion). I had held onto that when she initially asked for it, but that last payment was 6 months ago. If she wants it, she can have it.
Regarding your self respect. You have core values, spiritual/moral integrity, principles & standards, by which you conduct your life. Where would you draw the line in tolerating a complete lack of respect? More especially, disrespect from your W? Are there boundaries in place?
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I don't view love as only (or even primarily) an emotional thing. The law is the law, but for my personal beliefs and my faith, I don't care much what the government thinks. It's just a piece of paper and has nothing to do with my vows and the commitment I made.
So, no matter what your W may do, you would remain committed to the marriage? If she brought another man into your home for the purpose of fortification right under your nose, and she mocked you for being lousy in bed, dragged your name through the mud, refused to ever be intimate with you again.........or a number of other horrible things she could do to destroy you, it wouldn't change your decision to remain committed? If she leaves you and marries another man, you will live out the rest of your life alone, without a sexual companion, committed to the vows you made. Right?
Would you say your W is as strong in her faith as you are? Have you seen any changes in her that would make you question it?
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I understand very well how unconditional love is often preached from the pulpit. And, as your Pastor said, it's how something is received by the other person, that makes the difference. Something I encourage you to think about, is how the H should respond to disrespect under his own roof. I'm not throwing shade to your faith, church, or Pastor. I just want to know what you believe is the appropriate response when a wife verbally, or otherwise, disrespects her H.
Appropriate response would be to address it.
You mean talk to her about it? And if she refused to do the right thing, then what is the next step for the H?
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No. No abuse, no infidelity, no drinking, no gambling, etc.
I am not sure what benefits she gets right now beyond me being here with our daughter. Our finances have always been mostly separate. She pays for the house, and a car payment (it was a lease that just finished and she wanted to keep it). She asked me to give her all the information for utilities and insurance so that she could pay for them. She even still does my laundry. So you could almost say that I am getting all the benefits of being married, except for the intimate relationship.
I'm not sure either, but it could be that she is waiting on something else to happen, that doesn't have anything to do with you directly. I believe when a woman says she is done and wants a divorce......yet, she continues to remain legally M to her H, she is benefiting in some kind of fashion. She either receives financial, physical, or emotional support.......or she's holding back due to the probable criticism and lack of support from family & friends when they discover her intentions. I think the latter applies especially when there has been a strong religious foundation while growing up, and probably more so in "traditional" families, (as they are referred to by modern times). But, it's JMHO. I apologize for my short term memory today, but does she have a close relationship with her parents, and are they strong in living Christian lives?
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I've allowed myself to consider pretty much anything as far as her reasons. But I just haven't been able to come to any conclusions.
It must be agonizing, trying to figure out what's going on with her. I have seen a few cases where a W would leave her H without any warning or explanation. In those particular cases, the W would move off and the H would not hear from her again. However, in each case, there was not a child born into the marriage. They were usually couples going through second marriages as older adults, and some had children from previous MR's or the kids were grown and living off somewhere. I remember how sad I felt for these LBH's, b/c in a couple of cases, the walk away wife left no address or phone number for contact. Anyway, I only tell you about them, in case you see any comparison, plus having a small child together will, hopefully, be a link to her.
I encourage you to rest in your faith, and pray for your W. Also, pray that God will reveal anything you may need to change in yourself. I'm sure you have already been fervently praying. It's difficult for some of us to let go and put our loved ones in God's hands. At the moment, I don't know much more to suggest, except to follow the book, Divorce Remedy.......and use the 37 rules as guidelines. Don't take it to mean I think you should give up and stop posting. We are on Captain N's team, and will try to give emotional support and/or share out thoughts as long as you are here.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Regarding your self respect. You have core values, spiritual/moral integrity, principles & standards, by which you conduct your life. Where would you draw the line in tolerating a complete lack of respect? More especially, disrespect from your W? Are there boundaries in place?
Not specifically. There's nothing I've verbalized to her or anything. I would not just put up, with anything and everything, however, I am not sure of exactly what my limits are.
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So, no matter what your W may do, you would remain committed to the marriage? If she brought another man into your home for the purpose of fortification right under your nose, and she mocked you for being lousy in bed, dragged your name through the mud, refused to ever be intimate with you again.........or a number of other horrible things she could do to destroy you, it wouldn't change your decision to remain committed? If she leaves you and marries another man, you will live out the rest of your life alone, without a sexual companion, committed to the vows you made. Right?
No, not no matter what she would do. My faith certainly allows for moving beyond such a situations, or situations. Do I think I could forgive her and work on the marriage if she had an affair? Yes, I do. Would I still bother trying, or want, to work on things if she and she got remarried (something she has said she would never do again - not that it means much) or into a serious relationship with someone else? No. If she wanted to do crazy things with other guys and just rub my face in it, and belittle me, no, I would not remain committed. I would feel freed from my vows in those instances.
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Would you say your W is as strong in her faith as you are? Have you seen any changes in her that would make you question it?
No, not at all. She definitely does not share faith the way I do. She has "beliefs" but I'm not really clear on what they are at this point. Whatever they are, they don't seem to have any impact on her actions or principles.
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You mean talk to her about it? And if she refused to do the right thing, then what is the next step for the H?
I don't know. I suppose it would depend on what it was and the severity of it. If it was things like you mentioned above, then I would probably need to separate myself from her in every way possible.
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I'm not sure either, but it could be that she is waiting on something else to happen, that doesn't have anything to do with you directly. I believe when a woman says she is done and wants a divorce......yet, she continues to remain legally M to her H, she is benefiting in some kind of fashion. She either receives financial, physical, or emotional support.......or she's holding back due to the probable criticism and lack of support from family & friends when they discover her intentions. I think the latter applies especially when there has been a strong religious foundation while growing up, and probably more so in "traditional" families, (as they are referred to by modern times). But, it's JMHO. I apologize for my short term memory today, but does she have a close relationship with her parents, and are they strong in living Christian lives?
Well, she's not really continuing to remain legally married, since she filed. Her family is aware, at least her sisters and other daughter are. I'm not sure about her mom, but I would guess she has told her at this point.
She has a pretty good relationship with her mother, but an almost non-existent one with her father. This is despite her father living in the same house as her mother. Her mother has zero relationship with her father either, and tries to avoid him as much as possible (she would not do family things, like our wedding, or family photos if he was there - he was not). If he calls her, she tries to get him off the phone almost immediately (and he usually just keeps talking with her saying over and over, "Okay, bye"). The best I can say about her relationship with her dad is that she takes him a sandwich for his birthday or father's day.
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It must be agonizing, trying to figure out what's going on with her. I have seen a few cases where a W would leave her H without any warning or explanation. In those particular cases, the W would move off and the H would not hear from her again. However, in each case, there was not a child born into the marriage. They were usually couples going through second marriages as older adults, and some had children from previous MR's or the kids were grown and living off somewhere. I remember how sad I felt for these LBH's, b/c in a couple of cases, the walk away wife left no address or phone number for contact. Anyway, I only tell you about them, in case you see any comparison, plus having a small child together will, hopefully, be a link to her.
It has been agonizing, but I think I'm mostly over that. Now, when she does something that makes no sense (like getting into bed with me when our daughter wants me, instead of sleeping in the spare room - she sleeps with our daughter, which is already strange enough), I just shake my head. Though yesterday I had to chuckle when she scolded our daughter for changing her mind on something. I was like...she's 2, and you're holding her to a standard far greater than you hold yourself. I had to walk away before I did that, though.
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I encourage you to rest in your faith, and pray for your W. Also, pray that God will reveal anything you may need to change in yourself. I'm sure you have already been fervently praying. It's difficult for some of us to let go and put our loved ones in God's hands. At the moment, I don't know much more to suggest, except to follow the book, Divorce Remedy.......and use the 37 rules as guidelines. Don't take it to mean I think you should give up and stop posting. We are on Captain N's team, and will try to give emotional support and/or share out thoughts as long as you are here. ((hugs))
Thanks, it's appreciated. The biggest positive from all of this has been a renewed vigor I have for my faith. It's not the only one though, as I am definitely allowing myself to resurface after a few years of kind of just allowing her to mold me into the person she doesn't seem to like.
I was going to bring up the assets as the coach suggested last night, but didn't feel the time was right. When I finally thought the timing was good, my daughter decided she would climb around and play (jump around) in my lap, so I know I would be distracted trying to make sure she didn't fall.
I did, however, leave the bills for her this morning. If she wants them, she can have them.
She also got in bed with me again this morning. My daughter wakes up, tells her she wants me, so she comes in my room and they both get in. I don't get it. I understand bringing our daughter in, but you'd think she would go sleep in the spare room or something.
Talking has continued to be pretty sparse, and limited completely to our daughter. The only exception being when she asked if she could give the TV to her mom. She hasn't initiated any conversations about anything, in person or on text. I definitely feel more distant than we did a couple weeks ago.
I just got a look at her full retirement and bank account statements (savings anyway)...she has no money. She has some in retirement, but not a huge amount. Her savings is depleted, and I imagine her checking is as well as she has had to transfer funds from her savings to her checking.
She can't even come close to honoring the offer she made for assets (she keeps the house - it was hers before I met her - and her retirement and bank accounts, I keep my retirement and bank accounts, and she reimburses me for money I spent on the house - about $20k).
I have no idea what she's thinking or what world she's living in.
So, she asked me last night when I got home, what she was supposed to do with the bills I gave her. She asked if she was supposed to pay me for the insurance. I just said, "You said you wanted the information for that information." She said, "Yeah, I did. What about the internet and satellite bills?" I said, "Those are utilities, so I included them." She said, "In that case, we'll (as if we're in this together) probably go without the satellite and have to just use the antenna (we don't have one, and the satellite bill is relatively small).
Looked closer at her statements again, and both credit cards have their highest balances right now. A total of close to $700. Her bank accounts are empty, her retirement portfolio isn't very robust, and I'm sure quite a bit lower than what I'm seeing in these statements considering the current situation (but no withdrawals from retirement - at least in the 6 months I have). She just purchased the van we were leasing, and her payments will be about $100 more a month than they were before.
And somehow she is supposed to pay me $20k as part of splitting our assets. Maybe this is why she doesn't seem to want or expect me to leave the house after the divorce. She wants time to pay that off, and would probably ask me to start paying the utilities again as a condition of staying.
I'm supposed to discuss things with my lawyer today. I still want to see the checking account statements, and need to discuss assets within the house (some have significant value - both monetary and personal). I'll try to do that this evening.
I'm not sure how she's put herself in this position considering her income. She just tries to take everything on herself and is too stubborn to ask for help or realize the partnership we were in. Now the reality is hitting pretty hard, but I'm not sure she's catching on...at all.
Her mood has not been great. It seems to have regressed quite a bit since I have stopped texting her at all, and haven't initiated any conversations, even mundane ones. She has stopped texting me or starting anything either, and all that's talked about is our daughter. Quite a bit different/worse than what was going on just before I came here. She's still not being negative all the time, like she used to be, and she does talk me up/defend me to our daughter, but our interaction is not good.
It was kind of what I was afraid of. If I became completely distant, so would she.
