I know how it kills the ego. But you just have to remember this isn't about you, not at all. it is all about him. He is confused and scared and ping-ponging all over the place. Honestly it makes absolute sense that after a day of being super close he backs away. You can't let it get to you.
You've come a long way. Go back and look at your first posts, or your early journals, or whatever... there are so many improvements. Maybe the biggest next thing H needs to understand is that his fantasy of unmarried best friends with benefits is just that, a fantasy. You might consider closing up the muffin shop again, double down on GALing, being flirty and positive when you're together but mysterious. (I am quite bad at being mysterious. But I know I read some stories on your thread where you came back late and he was clearly wondering where you'd been. so I think you can pull the mysterious vibe off. Also, I like the idea of a confident, sexy, mysterious wayfinder strolling out the door looking hot and H thinking F**K.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
So I never stopped not being the one to start a convo. It's something I've stuck with throughout this. And I mean any convo. Not just R talks. I will not speak until spoken to first, with the exception of kids and bills. Last night when I went to lay down and after talking to my bff who I swear says everything May says just in her way, lol, I was still feeling a little raw, but just kinda of different. Like I had a better handle on my pain and realizing this man I love is in his own pain. He made this huge mistake, and risked everything, and it fell flat. And worst of all not only did it fall flat it fell flat exactly the way I said it would when screaming at him when all this started. AND it happened just a couple weeks short of the day I asked to not speak about our relationship until. He broke his own heart, he had his heart broken, and worst of all, and he said this yesterday, not the worst of all part, but I was right, because I'm always right. Laying there I felt like I had to let him know that I was empathetic. I just sent a simple text that said "FWIW I'm not sorry she went back to him, but I am really sorry that you were hurt like that. I hope you know that. Goodnight."
I had a lot of off campus meetings this morning. I was gone all day. I didn't even check my phone. I got a text at lunch time that said, 'FYI Not sure if your care or not but the OW situation emotionally messed me up pretty good." I responded with that it's hard sometimes, but I care a lot that he's hurting. I'm always here to listen, and that I've been all of us in this mess at one time or another. I understand what he's going through better than most. He asked if we could talk about it tonight...funnily enough no we can't. I have GAL stuff and work stuff tonight. So I told him I'd set some time aside for him if he'd like me to later in the week and he said that would be nice. I'm a little worried about what I'm going to be subjecting myself to offering to be there for him. I'm just hoping I can keep enough space between me wayfarer the betrayed wife and me wayfarer WH's friend and reformed cheater for my sanity and emotional well being. I know it's counter intuitive to be his soft place to fall after what he's done but I feel like this is how I'm going to get the answers I want about the A with out being a cop about it, and this is a way to show him that I'm not the person he's made up in his head justifying what he's done.
Well the OW and A convo didn't go exactly the way I anticipated. He back pedaled again on the 'I'm moving out ASAP' thing. This 'there's nothing in this marriage for me' shtick is some kind of reactionary statement but I have no clue what the reaction is to yet. But that's neither here nor there I guess. He at first said he didn't feel like talking about it. Then out of no where asked if it would be ok if he took a trip by himself in early April. He'd like to clear his head. I told him I think that's a great idea, but there won't be any of this radio silence stuff. He'll have to check in with me and the girls so I know he's not dead. And then he wanted to talk about things.
So OW did go on a trip the week of Valentines. I had joked with my bff that she must be on vacation since he was home so much, so nice and engaged. I was right unfortunately. But things were changing before that. He hadn't thought about it really, until I said are you totally sure that her ending this was really that out of the blue. I didn't mention that I'm basing this entirely on how he was behaving around the house and with the kids. He sat and thought about it, and some things came to mind that she had said or done or didn't do or didn't say and he started to piece together that maybe she wasn't all in until the 11th hour as anticipated. She came back from this trip on the 15th and told him she'd be busy the next week with midterm projects and papers. (Just to be clear this is a soon to be 35 year old. With no kids, and was not supporting her parents and siblings financially, not in a majorly lucrative career where education wasn't need. She just apparently never got around to school until now.....) I did mention to him that that isn't when mid terms are. So then he really started putting things together. The night before H and slept together, the night he fell asleep in the bed with me when we were talking was the beginning of the end I guess. It's why he was home so early. And still very much put together. And he was texting me. He had brought up apartment hunting the next day as they had planned and she told him that she's not where he's at with this and that she wouldn't be going with him to do that. That she was still very much in love with her bf and she was seriously wondering if the whole thing was a huge mistake. He dropped her off started texting me and came home. The next morning he woke up to a super long text basically saying she loves her bf, she wants to be with him, this whole thing was a huge mistake, her being with him wasn't fair, because she never stopped loving her bf. She's sorry it went this far. But she's got to follow her heart, which was in no way with H. That was the night he decided to sleep with me. H was/is absolutely devastated. He said he had rested all his hopes on this future and I wanted to cry. Not because of what this did to me, but because I knew exactly how he felt. My AP didn't even choose his live in gf over me. He chose his ex over both me and his gf. It was so humiliating. I was also so angry with OW for the first time. So, so mad. My H is at fault here, I know this. But she blew up a family and a marriage to fill some needs and to make her bf jealous enough to come back. Who does that?? There are teenage girls watching this whole sh*tshow, and all of this was for her to get her bf to act right for a few months? My god.
We had a lengthy talk about how if it wasn't OW none of this would've ever happened. H and I were friends for a long time before we were together. Full disclosure, we started as FWB I had finally started dating again after leaving my D's father, and while the dates were nice, I wasn't really finding that physicaly chemistry with many if any of them at all. H and I kept running into each other out at night and one night I just went home with him and it was down hill from there. We were both dating around. Caught feelings and moved forward. I knew about 2 of the girls he was seeing. I didn't know the 3rd. He knew none of the guys I was seeing but knew they existed. Lovely lady number 3 who wasn't me was OW. I didn't know that until last night. He felt like all of this was fate. That this all happened because he had made the wrong choice 7 years ago picking me over her and this was the universe's way of making it all right. They planned a whole future together in a few short months, and at no point did he question the sanity or the fantasy factor of this plan. He is and was a hopeless romantic and affair fog or not he truly saw this star crossed lovers mess as the way his life was supposed to unfold. And in one fell swoop she pulled the rug out from him, he landed flat on his a** and there I was. Again, and as always.
He won't commit to the marriage yet. He wants to make sure he's making the right choice. Not just for him, or so he says, but because he doesn't want to put me through this all over again. He wants to make a clear headed decision. And I fully support that. I did let him know that I need a similar trip since I've been holding our lives down while he went chasing his soulmate and future. Yesterday was the first time I felt he was actually remorseful and gave a damn about what he's put me through. And our girls. He said I should plan my trip. He would hold it down and give me the time and space that I want and need the way I'm giving him his. I told him I am truly sorry he's hurting. That regardless of how I'm feeling about him and her, being ready to risk everything for someone to have them look back at you, wave good bye and act as if you can just back pedal the way they can is truly messed up. We then slept together again.I asked him to go sleep on the couch because I need some time to decompress after all of that. He complied with out question. I don't know what the hell I'm doing any more at this point. It's certainly not DBing. It's not really pursuing either. I don't understand how the acute pain you feel in crisis is so different and almost seems more manageable than this constant dull ache of WTF is my life right now feeling of being in limbo.
He back pedaled again on the 'I'm moving out ASAP' thing. This 'there's nothing in this marriage for me' shtick is some kind of reactionary statement but I have no clue what the reaction is to yet.
This is interesting. It is like his safe place he retreats to. Good reminder to believe nothing of what they say.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
He won't commit to the marriage yet. He wants to make sure he's making the right choice. Not just for him, or so he says, but because he doesn't want to put me through this all over again. He wants to make a clear headed decision. And I fully support that. I did let him know that I need a similar trip since I've been holding our lives down while he went chasing his soulmate and future. Yesterday was the first time I felt he was actually remorseful and gave a damn about what he's put me through. And our girls. He said I should plan my trip. He would hold it down and give me the time and space that I want and need the way I'm giving him his. I told him I am truly sorry he's hurting. That regardless of how I'm feeling about him and her, being ready to risk everything for someone to have them look back at you, wave good bye and act as if you can just back pedal the way they can is truly messed up. We then slept together again.I asked him to go sleep on the couch because I need some time to decompress after all of that. He complied with out question. I don't know what the hell I'm doing any more at this point. It's certainly not DBing. It's not really pursuing either. I don't understand how the acute pain you feel in crisis is so different and almost seems more manageable than this constant dull ache of WTF is my life right now feeling of being in limbo.
Honestly... I think this is all seems like a step in the right direction. I wouldn't think you would want him to commit to the M right away after the breakup with OW anyway-- he does need time and space and a clear head. Looking back at my own sitch (so so weird we're all in such similar spaces right now) it took my H five weeks to decide to commit to the M (in his mind at least, I know it may not be permanent) from when the $hit totally hit the fan and he confessed the full extent of the A to when he left on his trip saying he was ending it. My H wanted something different-- asked for the DC/MC rather than a trip during that flavor of limbo-- but I think the space part is really important and just like Pommy's H and mine they need to be able to make that choice themselves in their own time and with a clear head. Otherwise you can't really trust it.
How do you give him space then between now and early April when he takes his trip? Both for him and for YOU? I think that one of the reasons limbo feels so awful is that you're not DOING anything (Ms. Type A) and in the crisis you can just buckle down and mentally prepare yourself to move on, as hard as that is. Now you don't know what to prepare yourself for and both paths are going to be f-ing difficult. But, the one thing that both paths need is a healthy wayfinder who knows she'll be OK no matter what happens. Can you continue to cultivate your zen/patient/detached attitude and GAL yourself into exhaustion? A month feels like a long time but really isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. (I've been thinking about this too, maybe just not pushing on wanting to know more about the A until the beginning of April, give my H some time to detach mentally from the AP before we go there. I am imagining everything she touched as being contaminated and dirty and I want those things out of our lives or to Lysol the heck out of them before we move past the A... but my H just isn't ready for that yet.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
It’s been a weird night. We had parent teacher conferences for D15. And then grabbing things for a small dinner tomorrow. We’re Mexican American so we do quince big. But 16 needs to be acknowledged. Things felt very normal except the random back and forth comments. One minute being very about moving out. Next speaking like we’re going on infinitely. I was on the verge of tears multiple times because he doesn’t even realize how quickly he’s ping ponging. But still so normal. Even when he started to tell me more things he thought about today about OW not being as in as he thought. I appreciate that he wants to share the inner him again and that he heard me yesterday. But it worries me that he may have built this relationship up far more than it was.
May, no I wouldn’t want him to. It would feel forced or very like heavily plan b. Even if I don’t 100% buy into the plan b thing. We are still living our lives separately but I’m encouraging him to reconnect with a friend or two that walked away during this affair situation. He rarely leaves the house now. So it makes my at home GAL difficult but I’m trying to stay busy. I take up my space if I need it. He walks away when he needs it. I just need to work on finding my zen again. It just falls bank into this he’s tumbling through these phases so quickly I struggle to adjust in time. I think I need to work in more mindful practices. And I think I’m going to have to insist on weekly IC. And as always work on patience.
(((Wayfarer))) You’ve had a rough few days and need a bit of time to re-center yourself—you will. I worry that it’s not cool for you to continuously listen to him dissect the dissolution of the OW R, like you’re his buddy there to help him figure out what went wrong. Is this starting to contribute to the sense of imbalance? You’re a bada** woman, so set that boundary if you need to!
(((Wayfarer))) You’ve had a rough few days and need a bit of time to re-center yourself—you will. I worry that it’s not cool for you to continuously listen to him dissect the dissolution of the OW R, like you’re his buddy there to help him figure out what went wrong. Is this starting to contribute to the sense of imbalance? You’re a bada** woman, so set that boundary if you need to!
Honestly letting him talk about OW and A doesn't bother me in the least. If he goes too far I say so and he backs off. Letting him purge about her gives me all the things I want to know without ever having to ask. All this is on his terms so he doesn't feel like I'm being intrusive. I get to have the closure on that dumpster fire chapter of my life with out putting any pressure on him. Which is not something I ever thought would happen. The only pressure may come if he decides he wants back in on the MR fully, he's gotta get rid of every option to contact her, and all the trinkets from their relationship.
The part that I'm struggling to detach through is this new fun ping ponging where it isn't really day by day. It's legit hour by hour. And I know that's coming from the messed up head space he's in right now. I'm trying to keep cool about it. Be empathetic. And just let it ride because I know I still can't trust what he says. I can only trust what he does. And if I look at Pommy's sitch I don't even know if I can fully trust what he does. Signing a lease seems all well and good until it's not. So who knows. It was much easier with him checked out most of the time. Even angry checked out, as bad as that messed me and the energy in our house up it's nothing like this. His chaotic a** energy throws me off in large doses. There isn't enough prayer, crystals, sage, holy water, saint medallions, candles, or physical distance in the world to neutralize what he's putting off right now. Honestly I think that's what going to be the hardest part to deal with between here and May. Finding an adequate amount of time and space away, as well as a way to recenter when I can't get all the time and space I need like this week because we have family musts with school stuff and a birthday.
The part that I'm struggling to detach through is this new fun ping ponging where it isn't really day by day. It's legit hour by hour. And I know that's coming from the messed up head space he's in right now. I'm trying to keep cool about it. Be empathetic. And just let it ride because I know I still can't trust what he says. I can only trust what he does. And if I look at Pommy's sitch I don't even know if I can fully trust what he does. Signing a lease seems all well and good until it's not. So who knows. It was much easier with him checked out most of the time. Even angry checked out, as bad as that messed me and the energy in our house up it's nothing like this. His chaotic a** energy throws me off in large doses.
Ugh WF, I feel like we’re on the same merry go-round. Actually maybe not a merry go round but more like the waltzers (do you have those - spin one way, then spin the next...over and over ...till you can’t see straight, think straight , with a churning stomach to boot) . I am trying to let EVERYTHING slide over my head. The positive comments, the negative ones, the actions. I remember May telling me “walk away in your head”. It has been working I think. I now have a photograph of a lighthouse on the lock screen of my phone, on which I’ve written ‘Stop the Hurting. Every time I feel like picking up my phone to see if he’s texted, or thinking about texting him, I see this and move on as best I can.
Re the hurtful things you are hearing, yes this is hard, but like you I feel like I need to hear this. (I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to hear my husband tell me he’s not attracted to me sexually, but he still has desires, just not for me). But I do believe whatever the outcome there will come a time when he will remember the awful things you had to hear and how you calmly sat back and listened and didn’t judge. And for that you can hold your head high and know that you acted with class and dignity. That’s a hard act for any OW to follow. As the vets say, you are acting as a woman any man would be a fool to leave. {{hugs}}
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Ugh WF, I feel like we’re on the same merry go-round. Actually maybe not a merry go round but more like the waltzers (do you have those - spin one way, then spin the next...over and over ...till you can’t see straight, think straight , with a churning stomach to boot) . I am trying to let EVERYTHING slide over my head. The positive comments, the negative ones, the actions. I remember May telling me “walk away in your head”. It has been working I think. I now have a photograph of a lighthouse on the lock screen of my phone, on which I’ve written ‘Stop the Hurting. Every time I feel like picking up my phone to see if he’s texted, or thinking about texting him, I see this and move on as best I can.
Re the hurtful things you are hearing, yes this is hard, but like you I feel like I need to hear this. (I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to hear my husband tell me he’s not attracted to me sexually, but he still has desires, just not for me). But I do believe whatever the outcome there will come a time when he will remember the awful things you had to hear and how you calmly sat back and listened and didn’t judge. And for that you can hold your head high and know that you acted with class and dignity. That’s a hard act for any OW to follow. As the vets say, you are acting as a woman any man would be a fool to leave. {{hugs}}
I love it when you're super British. It's the cutest thing ever. We do have waltzers we call them tilt-a-whirls here. I don't feel like I'm on a merry go round or a tilt a whirl. It's so much more like the roller coaster analogy. We have flown through all the steps of this mess so quickly we haven't really been circling round and round in place for very long any where. We just keep chugging along and I keep holding on tight for the big drops and the loops, and he's sure to throw me a new one every week. Or multiple a week. I just would very much like to be on the log flume ride or like a lazy river type deal at this point.
I think I do very much need the walk away in my head advice right now. I can go days with speaking to H. But I've come to realize something my friend said. I'm H's person. And at some point he'll figure it out. He just hasn't yet. That's why even though he had OW to talk to he still wanted to talk to me and followed me around to do so. Even though he had OW to watch shows and movies with he still wanted to watch certain shows and movies with me. It's why he'd try to mask the places he'd gone and the things he had done with OW that he really enjoyed so he could tell me about this awesome thing he did or saw or ate. Because he can't not talk to me. Have me as his sounding board. Have me as his friend. His mouth keeps saying I'm more than happy to live with out you. But his actions say I don't know how. And I need to learn how to just mentally check out when he's giving me these diametrically opposing signals.
My new therapist said I'm going through this with a lot of grace. I had a friend say the same thing to me. That I'm walking though this with grace. I don't feel like I am. I don't feel classy. Most of the time I don't feel particularly dignified being in this position. I feel like I'm just trying to survive another really trying time in my life with out breaking under the weight of it. And this time I'm carrying two nearly women, instead of a little girl, or just me. I so often feel like I'm just not enough for him and that's why he wants to walk away so badly. I feel like the fool more often than not. But I do hope that my girls, or H at some point here can see that optimistic view of me in the middle of this mess. As that woman any man would be a fool to leave. Thank you Pommy. I need that boost.
