Riding the Wave 2

[wayfarer]

OW went back to her boyfriend. WH says he still wants to move out though. He still wants out of the marriage. I asked why he can’t even try for us. Why he can’t give it like 3 months. What does he lose? He said 3 months. I said I already lost 4. I told him I won’t beg him to stay. Or beg him to love me but it’s pretty effed up that he’s completely unwilling to put in any effort into repairing this. That he thinks so little of me and marriage that he can’t give trying 90 days. We left the convo very open ended D17 came home early.

I want to scream at him. This is ridiculous. I’ve been fighting one demon this whole time to find out I’m digging to bf against so much more. I feel like I’m in panic mode all over again. It’s like another bomb drop. I’m still secure in him leaving. But I feel like complete garbage that he’s leaving me just to leave me. There was some level of security when there was OW. He was running towards something. Now what? He’s just running from me? This is exhausting. I just want to say screw it. There no point of having hope. There’s no point in DBing. Might as well just lay it all on the table.

Ugh. I know I’m just panicking. I need to just keep trucking here but it’s getting harder and harder to see why. He’s convinced there’s nothing here for him but climbs into bed and spoons me sex or no sex. I’m so over the mind eff.

[wayfarer]

Fighting against so much more... doing this on a phone isn’t ideal

[Traveler]

Hi wayfarer, an unsettling revelation. Not uncommon, unfortunately, for AP to be a symptom rather than a root cause of them leaving. Deep breaths! It’s amazing you’re fighting in part for a good life for his D. Sending prayers your way.

[cardinal]

(((Wayfarer))) I’m so sorry you’re now dealing with this. I so get the frustration. It makes sense that you feel like you’re in panic mode again, but like you say, this feeling of panic will subside, and you’ll be able to check in with yourself again. But I don’t think he’s leaving you just to leave you, even though it may feel that way right now. He’s trying to make it about you, but it’s not. He’s confused and searching for some external thing that will make him happy. The way I see it, he’s not running from you, he’s just running and always has been; the AP was just something concrete he could latch onto. He’s still running toward a fantasy something/someone that will “fix” him.

No matter what he does or says, you are not the root of his problems. OW didn’t work out, so maybe he has to keep running to find out there’s no magical thing/person out there that will make him happy. This doesn’t mean he can run forever.

Vent here—feel the anger, frustration, hurt, all of that, but try not to act out of that place yet. Hope gets drowned out by these emotions, in my experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone! Ride this wave. You can do it.

[may22]

Hey WF,

Thinking of you. Know also that he may feel that he has done so much damage to your R that it is not fixable in his mind right now. I know my H has said this before too-- he can't imagine me ever forgiving him or him ever forgiving himself. There may be that element to it also.

And, your H has bought so deeply into the idea that your M was over that it might not be that easy for him to let go of it... in fact his ego may not let him. Think of it this way-- if his story is that your M wasn't working and wasn't fixable and he turned to the OW, it makes him less of a bad guy for cheating because well your M was doomed anyway. If he admits to himself that the M is fixable, then it makes everything he's done so, so much worse. So by maintaining he's going to leave is also kind of preserving his own sense of self and his vision of why he did what he did. I'm also going to guess there are some control issues going on there-- he wants to make a decision for himself, not bounce back to his W because OW opted out of the A. (And honestly that is still probably for the best, right??? You have said that over and over. He needs to see what he's losing before he'll come around.)

Stick with it, WF. You can totally do this. You're the very best at it. And all the same things still apply that applied before-- you still have the gift of time; marathon not a sprint; actions over words. He hasn't left yet. He's been going through a lot of mental hurricanes in the last couple of weeks. Give him some space and let the storm die down a bit and then see where you are in a week or so.

xx M (((wayfarer)))

[wooba]

Let him run away. You wouldn’t want him the way he is right now anyway. Of course the OW didn’t work out, as expected. One less reason for him to be away, but actually probably pushes him to find other reasons to leave you.

I would advice no sex if he’s telling you he’s going to leave though. So far my method is like Pavlov. If my H brings up D and wants to be physically intimate on the same day? Hell no. If H is acting sane and more his old self, then possibly. Just my 2 cents.

Hugs.

[wayfarer]

I'm feeling better after I slept on it. To be honest the hit to my ego was pretty hard. And that was the bulk of it. I know logically the break up with OW was recent he's still not himself. There's still detox or withdrawal or whatever. I know logically A or no A he's going through something and I'm still, in his mind, the problem. But being shown not just told "I want us to bang and be best friends but I don't see any merit in this marriage" is just flabbergasting, and was a huge blow to all the self confidence I've been rebuilding. It really, really [censored] being nearly 37 and loving the hell out of someone who will go to extreme measures to not love you back. It has all that horrible desperation of having an unrequited love at 15 but the consequences here are so much bigger than a broken teenage heart. And it never ceases to amaze me that no matter how much you own yourself and let things roll off your back the person you love can say just a few words to you and make you feel so small.

We had no kids home Saturday and Sunday. Saturday we cuddled and had crazy no kids home sex. I'm sure that's what brought on his whole bringing up the apartment thing again just 4 days after asking to push it out. It's like he gets mad at himself if he lets himself get a little too close to me. I'm still very willing to let him go. The push pull is exhausting. Hiding the way I feel and being careful about what I say 24/7 is exhausting. I can't keep feeling exhausted forever. I guess I just let my hopes get up a little too high that maybe I'd get lucky and he'd keep pushing the move out date until he made up his mind and that would get us to June. And in either case, put the girls in a better position for the transition. It was just a reminder I guess that I can't control anything here.

He is running. And he's going to keep running. I just need to accept that he may never stop and turn around and look back, and there's not a single thing I can do if that's the path he's going to take. I need to accept that my fantasy of us coming out on the other side of this together is far narrower possibility than I let myself believe before. And I really need to accept that no matter how much I love him, some day, I'll get over him even it it wasn't as easily as he got over me.

[Pommy99]

He is running. And he's going to keep running. I just need to accept that he may never stop and turn around and look back, and there's not a single thing I can do if that's the path he's going to take. I need to accept that my fantasy of us coming out on the other side of this together is far narrower possibility than I let myself believe before. And I really need to accept that no matter how much I love him, some day, I'll get over him even it it wasn't as easily as he got over me.

Yes he is running, he got spooked again, he’s gone back to his safe place because right now he is frightened of his feelings. He is confused and doesn’t understand what he is feeling. Ground yourself and don’t think the worst. I know this isn’t easy, to retain an optimistic perspective when you’ve just been crushed to pieces. He needs time, you need time, and you have that. Don’t make any rash decisions or rash interactions. Just keep yourself calm and in a safe place because that is what he needs to see. He is like a kite in a hurricane at the moment. Hugs x

[Pommy99]

I just re-read the lighthouse story. I find it always helps ground me when I feel helpless or over-emotional .

[Ready2Change]

One day at a time. Keep up the positive changes. Focus on you and your personal growth. Focus on what you have control over. Double down on your DBing. Embrace the push/pull. Be seductive.

HUGS