I am not sure if I should leave the ball in his court (i.e wait for him to bring it up) or to ask him how he wants to proceed. I know the right Db action would be to let him do the heavy lifting and just make myself available, prepare in the background, but being my H, it may never move beyond the first mediation session. I really don't know. Do I sit on my hands and then go through this again in six months??
Oy, yeah that's a tricky one from my perspective. Yes, DB says leave it be, let him guide this unless you truly want a D, which you don't. However. I agree that with your H this could lead to a limbo extended for quite a while, and that's really, really hard.
If the house wasn't going to be sold my thoughts might be different. You are on a path to change and separation. I don't think you can move forward towards your new home without certain details ironed out, and that's what is really needed in this mediation and the steps that may go with it. Otherwise you're just moving limbo from one home to another, and it may get even murkier if H makes himself at home in your new place (ie naps/going through drawers). I could see that happening. I don't think you want that.
So, perhaps you give it a bit of time (a few weeks?) to allow him to do what he will (nothing). And then prod him as you mentioned.
Without that, I think you're right that you would be here again in 6 months. But with more anger built up and resentment and frustration. I don't know that it would change your direction or H's direction by waiting. And I think you're at the point where you do need to take steps to exit this limbo.
I know you're in an especially difficult time now, FS, and I know what we think of your H or R does not matter. Only you matter and what you think. But if I might - I think these changes will ultimately be good. I have no idea what your future holds with you and your H and I don't think he's a bad guy at all. So it's not like I'm thinking "leave him!" in my head - I'm not. I do think though that in your sitch in particular you need to exit this limbo for YOU. You have been creating stability for your kiddos - and even some stability for H! - while you experience great instability internally for so long. I think that was the right way to handle things. And now, from my perspective, I think this movement in a new direction to give YOU stability and not this limbo is the right move.
How is the house stuff going FS? Re the mediation stuff, I have no idea. I think you should look after yourself and the kids as far as you can, protect yourself financially as much as possible and make it clear to your H that you don't want D but you can accept it, and then leave it all up to him. I think it will be interesting to see how the power dynamic shifts when you move house!
So it's not like I'm thinking "leave him!" in my head
Tbh, sometimes the voice in my head screams exactly this. What was a quiet whisper, a tiny feeling of self doubt now yells loudly, he is a lying piece of sh!t, and you are worth more than this. You deserve better than this and you are romanticising the past. Happiness (whatever that might be) is around the corner if you would only open your eyes and your heart to it. I wonder (often) if I push if I have been pushing that voice away out of fear and have, through my own inaction, prolonged this limbo myself.
It does not help that IRL everyone tells me that he is a lying piece of sh!t. As my bf said the other day, it is time to rip the band-aid off.
Journalling
The house prep has taken a back seat this week and I think I am in a bit of a funk. Besides work there has been lots of GAL, binge watching telly and playing games on my phone. I had the kids a couple of nights last week, and tried to present when I had them, but I don't get in from work until after seven which doesn't leave a lot of time to do anything activity wise with them. There is just time to have a quick conversation, help with homework, tidy up a bit, and watch telly with them for an hour, and then put them to bed. It is worse with D13 who literally will spend an hour with me before heading up to her own room (normal teenager behaviour I think). I do have them this weekend and yesterday took them into town to window shop and run some errands. D13 was meeting friends in town, so I did not really spend time with her. Today we are going into London to watch a play - my birthday present from H (which is really a present for the girls) and will cost me more in transport and lunches/dinners than the actual tickets. Yes, what you hear there is bitterness.
H did bring up the mediation on Thursday right after his session. He had moved it from Tuesday, so actually, there was no delay in contacting me. He sent me a message at work asking me to call him so we could go through the details. I called and, as expected, it quickly turned into a yelling match down the phone. He is adamant about what he wants. 50/50 on everything with no child maintenance/support and no spousal. I told him (again) I was not seeking spousal (but reserved right to change our minds if either of our work sitch changed), was happy with 50/50 split of assets, but I would only support 50/50 childcare as long as the days he had them were fixed. If they were not fixed, then the ratio would go in accordance with whatever overnights he could do which were fixed and that we would use the government rates to decide how much he would pay. Anyway, it deteriorated until I eventually hung up.
The other big thing that happened this week had to do with D10. There was an incident on the WhatsApp group that the kids in her year have set up. She wasn't a part of it (in fact, she was away on the cruise and only saw it when her wifi kicked in) but the three children involved are children of good friends of mine. Basically two of the children were swearing and one called the other stupid and a d**k. It could be seen as bulling by an over anxious parent but from what D10 said, it sounded more like banter gone too far. It didn't sound malicious. And to me, bulling is systematic and malicious. Anyway an email was sent out, and H asked the children about it and then passed the info to me in an email. I spoke to the mum of the child who had been swearing because I thought she should know so she could a) deal with it however she wanted to, and b) she didn't get ambushed at the school. She spoke to the other mum and now a complaint has been raised about H gossiping about her and calling her child a bully. After receiving the email, H called me up to yell some abuse - something about telling me things in confidence, hoped I was happy, bringing the children into it blah blah blah. Unfortunately I was 3 glasses of champagne in at a friends 40th birthday afternoon tea, and I yelled abuse back then hung up him.
Oh, FS... I am thinking of you and so, so, so feeling for you. I can imagine exactly the situation (again because I feel our Hs are so similar in so many ways).
I hope you aren't feeling badly about hanging up on him. He deserved it. Both times, and you are under no obligation to take abuse from him. In the mediation case you are 110% in the right-- wtf is he thinking that there would be a 50/50 childcare arrangement but he could actually end up doing whatever he pleased? Unbelievable. And he's clearly just feeling guilty and bad about the other mums thinking he's a jerk (I would bet other things beyond this one incident are leaking into him feeling like this, like the fact that he left you and what he imagines the other moms think about that, plus the bunny boiler at school) and wanted to take it out on you. Good for you for not letting him do that. And if you let off some steam in the meantime.... oh well. We can't all be saints every day.
I so badly want for you a mental break and be able to spend a little time not in a funk. Is there anything you can do? take an afternoon off of work and pick them up early from school and do something silly and fun?
On the fear and letting go... I think if you can make that happen, release your fear and just let go and let what comes come... I feel that doesn't necessarily mean you're letting hope go for R with your H. it just means you're going to be okay no matter what happens. Which you know you are.
Finally, just wanted to tell you that you were a huge inspiration to me... I dropped off an entire car load of giveaway today and threw out six giant bags of kid trash. It feels AMAZING. Thank you.
(((FlySolo))) we are here for you!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Ah, FS - I don't blame you for things getting heated. It seems obvious to me that your H is terrified about losing control: once you sell the house and formalise the separation agreement or divorce, he is not going to be able to call the shots. You are being entirely, entirely reasonable in what you are asking for, and it is in the best interests of your daughter's. He can't have a job of the type he does and expect you to work around him and do childcare at his convenience: that might be what you'd expect of a wife, but not a co-parent. Co-parents need set schedules. He knows that. He's terrified, isn't he? I almost feel sorry for him, though I kind of expect that as you stick to your guns and as mediation progresses and it becomes clear what he wants is not going to happen, then he's probably going to act out more. I hope you get that mental space that you need. x
Oh FS, I wish I could do the same thing to you I do with my bestie to cheer her up.
I text her ridiculous GIFS all day long at work. Silly ones, slightly flirty ones, GIFs just saying "hey!" so she knows I'm thinking of her during her rough day(s).
I know that funk well that you are in. It has visited me many times. Use it to stay caught up on sleep if possible, and allow yourself to be in it without guilt. It will pass because you are not the type of person where this is your normal way of being.
Do you like puzzles? Sometimes doing a puzzle when binging tv is one of those nice things to be engaged in something while relaxing. It also might encourage D13 to be present while not being required to talk. Talking for angsty teens is not what they want to do, for sure. Would it encourage her to pause and put in a piece or two each time she passed by? I'm a strong believer that sometimes people need things to do with their hands in social situations (spoken like a true introvert, huh?) to feel like they can be there without pressure.
Ok for today's silly GIF I send you one truly out of left field....Thumper on Ice. You know, from Bambi? See if you can find a GIF of Thumper sliding and spinning on ice and laughing. That's the random one I'm sending you today just for silliness.
How's things FS? Gosh, but this whole thing is so EXHAUSTING isn't it? I can kind of understand now how people get Ded in a massive rush, there is so much uncertainty when things drag out indefinitely. I know someone who got Ded just after my H left and she went straight into a new serious R and says how happy she is. But then both she and her ex were in agreement that they wanted D. I don't know how common that is. One person not wanting it and one person not being sure if they want it makes things a whole lot more complicated doesn't it? Anyway, I hope things are going ok for you, the mediation and negotiating with someone unwilling to be reasonable sounds extra hard, particularly if D isn't what you want (())
So it's not like I'm thinking "leave him!" in my head
H did bring up the mediation on Thursday right after his session. He had moved it from Tuesday, so actually, there was no delay in contacting me. He sent me a message at work asking me to call him so we could go through the details. I called and, as expected, it quickly turned into a yelling match down the phone. He is adamant about what he wants. 50/50 on everything with no child maintenance/support and no spousal. I told him (again) I was not seeking spousal (but reserved right to change our minds if either of our work sitch changed), was happy with 50/50 split of assets, but I would only support 50/50 childcare as long as the days he had them were fixed. If they were not fixed, then the ratio would go in accordance with whatever overnights he could do which were fixed and that we would use the government rates to decide how much he would pay. Anyway, it deteriorated until I eventually hung up.
The other big thing that happened this week had to do with D10. There was an incident on the WhatsApp group that the kids in her year have set up. She wasn't a part of it (in fact, she was away on the cruise and only saw it when her wifi kicked in) but the three children involved are children of good friends of mine. Basically two of the children were swearing and one called the other stupid and a d**k. It could be seen as bulling by an over anxious parent but from what D10 said, it sounded more like banter gone too far. It didn't sound malicious. And to me, bulling is systematic and malicious. Anyway an email was sent out, and H asked the children about it and then passed the info to me in an email. I spoke to the mum of the child who had been swearing because I thought she should know so she could a) deal with it however she wanted to, and b) she didn't get ambushed at the school. She spoke to the other mum and now a complaint has been raised about H gossiping about her and calling her child a bully. After receiving the email, H called me up to yell some abuse - something about telling me things in confidence, hoped I was happy, bringing the children into it blah blah blah. Unfortunately I was 3 glasses of champagne in at a friends 40th birthday afternoon tea, and I yelled abuse back then hung up him.
So, not a great week on the db front.
I can relate to this as my husband is incredibly triggered with child sharing and freaks out about it. We have gone back and forth and raised voices, etc. And as you can imagine, nothing gets resolved. My thought is, you've told him what you think. If he brings all this up again, I would say, "we can address this in mediation." There's just no point in talking about it again, and it just causes so much heartache.
As for the bullying incident, he can make whatever point he wants, but berating you about it is not okay either. I'm sorry you experienced this. Hope you are doing okay.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
