Learning how to link threads...how do people get there previous title above instead of the long ugly URL?
Ready for a long post?? Here we go:
It continues to be a rough week and a half over here while struggling with a nasty virus/infection that has knocked me out. Being off of work and having time to “rest and recover” has not been good for me. I am much better to myself and feel stronger when I’m busy...but obviously had no choice to just be with my thoughts and feelings. Quick update: H continues to ignore me as much as possible when he’s home and not working...unless it is to ask me about a L. I hear him talking on the phone when he’s home and it’s like everything is completely normal. This truly makes me feel like I’m insane. One new behaviour is watching tv REALLY loud! In the beginning right after BD he would constantly wear earphones and/or hum to himself...now it’s whenever he’s home the Tv is on at an excessive volumes. I’ve read this on others’ threads ....why do they do this? Distraction? Why has he pulled waaayyy further away again? I continue to ignore him and only exchange minimal pleasantries ...again seems so counterproductive to BD “we are roommates”.
On the L front ... I had some setbacks due to scheduling/illness which of course did not sit well with H. He still wants everything done like yesterday! And lashes out at me threatening court etc...we haven’t even completed a SA!!! I have educated myself with consultations and have settled on my L choice when I NEED one...I feel strongly that we do not need to involve them in the gathering of documents for the $disclosure...unfortunately H has already proven to be not forthcoming and angry as soon as his business is brought up. The law is the law and I remind myself constantly that splitting marital assets is not me being vindictive....it becomes business. Thank you job, DnJ, cadet and everyone else for that. I drafted a very to the point email to H that after speaking to my L theses are the documents required to start the SA and to pls let me know once he’s collected all of the supporting docs and then we can move on from there. It’s A LOT because of the business. I’m expecting fireworks! I will dig deep to “stay calm and keep dB-ing on” once I get H’s response. If he wants to progress to involving L’s now I will have no choice but to start the process and start the$$ bleed.
Me: I struggle at times greatly with still focusing on H’s behaviour and his total disregard for me. I truly believe there is no turning back for him (will not look within...just not his nature) which squishes my hope. I also feel the longer this goes on it’s becoming harder to respect this person I care deeply about. I found out yesterday that he’s been looking at homes and as much as I struggle when he’s here and am sometimes relieved when he’s not home for a few days (due to work) I’m worried that I will feel another loss and the flare up of extreme sadness when he does go. Such confusing emotions all the time. I continue to try and keep a PMA and dive into my hobbies, my sports and time spent with family and friends.
Fear is still within me, which I believe is party the catalyst when I’m overcome with uncontrollable sadness. I continue to look inwards to learn what specifically I am fearful of and what I can do about it. Irrational or not I feel I fear the loss of the relationship...I fear the lawyer process...I fear my own feelings at times. I fear where I will live....I fear loss of my security both financially and emotionally. I fear the feeling of feeling lost. I fear Im not doing enough to be okay with myself however this turns out. I fear not knowing what I want out of life right now. That’s a lot of fear and unresolve.
DnJ I would love for you to expand on how to influence fear...
Thank you for reading...hoping to physically feel fully better soon so I can get back to GAL.
Hi Cardinal!! Such a pleasant sight to see your message pop up after getting my long post written. I just logged back on today and have some major catching up to do. I will visit your page next. You’ve crossed my mind plenty of times in the last week or so. H is moving farther along with his running behaviour and has definitely stepped up his ignoring game too. I fear that he will not look back. As you can see above I’m struggling with a lot of questions with fear being at the center of most of it. Im doing the best I can while recovering from a bad bug and sinus infection. When you are weak physically it’s harder to be strong mentally but I know I’ll get myself together again. Thx for popping by and I’ll head over and check in on you on your thread (((Cardinal)))
Thank you Peacetoday. The reminder to let emotions wash over and fall away is so important. I remember you saying how bad your financial situation got ...I do still have some areas that I need to button up here.
I’m struggling with letting go of ‘schooling’ my shark eyed H. Because I’m a rational thinker I feel strongly about things being done a certain way. The key here is H right now couldn’t care less how S or D get done he just wants it done at any cost. His words consistently say he wants to be amicable and keep things out of court but his behaviour is the exact opposite. He gave me a $DA that 2 separate lawyers said was incomplete and that I in no way had to act upon. I still have yet to hear from his L (which he’s been threatening since Sept). I recently sent a message stating the documents that my L will require once I retain her services. I feel strongly that we can at least gather these documents on our own and save unnecessary cost of L back and forth at this stage. H wrote back that his lawyer has all of the requested documents (which I 100% know is false) and that my lawyer can contact his...while repeating yet again he wants to do this amicably and without going to court to avoid extra cost.
Here’s where I need some ”schooling” please....
I FEEL the need and want to do things my way. Just because he doesn’t care about spending $$ right now and wants someone else to do everything for him, I do not have to do the same thing. I want to write back and state that I’m choosing not to involve my lawyer to gather factual paperwork at this stage and for him to have his lawyer pass along his accurate FD forms to me - this allows me to see how honest he’s being and to also provide my lawyer with the documents he’s left out ...without paying for my lawyer to basically tell him what’s missing after I tell her. Do I have this backwards?? Am I not being rational? I also feel compelled to point out to him that giving me an incomplete form to give to my lawyer is not doing things amicably and that this is not a good start for how he has stated repeatedly he wants us to behave.
I feel like he’s walking all over me with each factual, emotionless email he sends I feel like he’s deep in more running behaviour as well as “someone else can deal with it” which is totally his MO.
I’m upset about the L $ that will inevitably be spent but I’m also pi**ed that he’s running the show how he wants.
I really want to write back a well worded response but feel like I’m beating my head against a wall to prove what point? To stick up for myself when I’ve had no voice for so long? HE DOESN'T CARE.
I feel like if I retain my L now and not write anything back to H its me rolling over/conceding and therefore satisfying/ justifying for him. My intent is still to be kind but how do I get his paperwork without L intervention OR at least point out that he is certainly not being forthcoming or amicable? I feel I need some kind of mental satisfaction here ... am I missing an option? My intent is also not to hold him up ...but I will not lift a finger to help him proceed either.
I didn’t think to ask the question: Am I entitled to get his FDA paperwork direct from his layer if H won’t deal with me?
I’m like a circling seagull right now ....round and round I go. Pls someone 2x4 me and stop the cycle! Lol
Nope he’s literally done nothing but hand me unfinished and inaccurate financial disclosure docs and keeps harassing me into getting a lawyer. H is at home but talks as if VERY motivated to go. I feel like I e missed asking the L during consult some obvious questions...as in can he only file if I have a lawyer? And because he has retained a lawyer do I need to retain one for him to move forward? As far as I’m concerned he nor his lawyer have done anything that requires my action.
In my sitch, I retained an attorney. H has yet to do so. I gathered all of our financial information I could - statements of all assets, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. I reviewed his gross pay, mine, what I thought reasonable for alimony, and completed a financial disclosure statement (which has not been shown to H). He has done nothing, except provide a few documents when I said "My attorney needs this". Basically, I fingured out what my bottom line would be without asking/discussing with H first.
I have not filed for D. But, if I did, that attorney would give him 20 days to respond to the petition. You can do the same I would imagine. Let your H fingure out his side. You worry only about you and kids. A financial disclosure statement would be mandatory at that time. So, if you have access to any financial information, yours, his, joint, get it all together. Don't even ask your H. Then present it to an attorney for help. Make copies for the attorney, too. This will save some money.
I interviewed 3 attorneys before I retained, and got a lot of useful advise with each one (for free during the first consultation).
I am new to your story, so I hope this is helpful.
(((Kindly)))
As Peace said, it's o.k. to feel your feelings, sit with them a while, and release them. It will get easier in time, and less cloudy on the business end.
url=https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2878653&page=1]Questions for a LBS 5 months in[/url
From the line above I removed the first character “[“ and the final character “]”. Else wise it would become a hyperlink and it is harder to show the syntax.
The command is “url” and “/url” ends the command. The square brackets encase the command. See below, again without the [ and ].
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Originally Posted by Kindly
Here’s where I need some ”schooling” please....
I FEEL the need and want to do things my way. Just because he doesn’t care about spending $$ right now and wants someone else to do everything for him, I do not have to do the same thing. I want to write back and state that I’m choosing not to involve my lawyer to gather factual paperwork at this stage and for him to have his lawyer pass along his accurate FD forms to me - this allows me to see how honest he’s being and to also provide my lawyer with the documents he’s left out ...without paying for my lawyer to basically tell him what’s missing after I tell her. Do I have this backwards?? Am I not being rational?
Kind, this is business. A deal gone sideways. Remember that.
I understand you FEEL a want and need to do it your way. Do not make decisions based mostly on feelings.
Rational is more logic and reason. Irrational is more emotions.
Pure reason doesn’t have emotions. And pure emotion is devoid of reason. We are both. We are rational and irrational creatures all bundled together. It takes time for our emotional side to catch up with our logic and reason.
Find a lawyer and be prepared. Let your L do the heavy lifting. This is most likely the biggest decision and agreement of your life - use a lawyer.
Also your sanity is worth more than the few bucks you’ll save. And a lawyer will provide peace of mind that nothing is missed.
Your above statement shows a lot of control and trust issues with H. Well obviously DnJ of course it does. (I can almost hear you saying that lol). Therefore another set of eyes, those of a dispassionate legal counsel, will be so worth it.
You don’t have to push for anything - yet. Just ask questions and see what your L recommends.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I feel like he’s walking all over me with each factual, emotionless email he sends I feel like he’s deep in more running behaviour as well as “someone else can deal with it” which is totally his MO.
I’m upset about the L $ that will inevitably be spent but I’m also pi**ed that he’s running the show how he wants.
I really want to write back a well worded response but feel like I’m beating my head against a wall to prove what point? To stick up for myself when I’ve had no voice for so long? HE DOESN'T CARE.
Breathe.
Do not make major decisions from that place.
Vent here and let go of those feelings.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I feel like if I retain my L now and not write anything back to H its me rolling over/conceding and therefore satisfying/ justifying for him. My intent is still to be kind but how do I get his paperwork without L intervention OR at least point out that he is certainly not being forthcoming or amicable? I feel I need some kind of mental satisfaction here ... am I missing an option? My intent is also not to hold him up ...but I will not lift a finger to help him proceed either.
I know you want to point things out to H. And some satisfaction would feel good - really good. But, look big picture.
Focus on you.
Originally Posted by Kindly
...am I missing an option?
Yes. Focus on you.
Ensure financial security and protection. And if or when H pulls the trigger, be ready.
Remember this is business. Stay in the intellectual car. Use logic and reason.
Originally Posted by Kindly
Pls someone 2x4 me and stop the cycle! Lol
Bonk.
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Originally Posted by Kindly
DnJ I would love for you to expand on how to influence fear...
Me: I struggle at times greatly with still focusing on H’s behaviour and his total disregard for me. I truly believe there is no turning back for him (will not look within...just not his nature) which squishes my hope. I also feel the longer this goes on it’s becoming harder to respect this person I care deeply about. I found out yesterday that he’s been looking at homes and as much as I struggle when he’s here and am sometimes relieved when he’s not home for a few days (due to work) I’m worried that I will feel another loss and the flare up of extreme sadness when he does go. Such confusing emotions all the time. I continue to try and keep a PMA and dive into my hobbies, my sports and time spent with family and friends.
We all struggle at first with focusing too much on what our spouse is doing. It takes time to shift our focus and attention from that train wreck. Dig for patience - like your thread title says.
Focus on you. Detach. Find indifference. Let go.
This is a process, and yeah it’s harder than it sounds. Be gentle on yourself.
Originally Posted by Kindly
Fear is still within me, which I believe is party the catalyst when I’m overcome with uncontrollable sadness. I continue to look inwards to learn what specifically I am fearful of and what I can do about it. Irrational or not I feel I fear the loss of the relationship...I fear the lawyer process...I fear my own feelings at times. I fear where I will live....I fear loss of my security both financially and emotionally. I fear the feeling of feeling lost. I fear Im not doing enough to be okay with myself however this turns out. I fear not knowing what I want out of life right now. That’s a lot of fear and unresolve.
Influencing fear.
Acknowledge it. Realize it is from you. You make yourself afraid. This is good. Because you control you. Therefore you can influence your fear.
Fear is irrational. As I said earlier rational is logic and reason devoid of emotions. Fear is emotion. Intellect has no fear.
Fear is an uncontrollable emotional reaction or response to a possible future event. If that event happens, there is no fear because it is now reality. It becomes just a problem or concern to deal with at that point.
As you can see, rationalizing fear helps. It is similar to detachment. One uncouples the irrational bond between possible event and triggered emotion using rational thought. Seeing it accurately. This is not done quickly. It takes time and goes hand in hand with many other steps along one’s path.
Fear is our response to a trigger. And in true fearful fashion we actually don’t see the underlying cause - we are afraid to look. One needs to be rational and logical, and dig.
I feared the same things you do. You’re not alone in that, I guarantee.
I feared the loss of my relationship. Why? Dig. I don’t want to be alone. People will blame me and look at me differently. Why? I don’t want to get old alone. I define myself by being married. Why? I’m afraid to die old and alone.
That is a very short summary of my fear of loss. There are many reasons - abandonment, responsibilities, etc... Still after one digs deep enough most fears rise from our own imagined future pain and suffering.
So, I am afraid to die alone. To be alone.
Followed logically and rationally found. Now to do something about it.
I realized my relationship was already over. Hard to afraid of something that has happened. But, my fear wasn’t the relationship - it was being alone.
I poured myself into me. I found me. I defined me - as a single guy not a divorced guy. I also have four amazing kids. I have friends. I am not alone. Ok, I’m alone at a deep level, I also have a fair bit of caring company.
I uncoupled my irrational emotions of being alone by... being alone. I went on walks by myself. Stargazed alone. Went out for suppers alone. Etc... Slowly changed my irrational belief about being alone. Influenced it with rational thought and positive actions.
During these activities I allowed myself to enjoy them. To feel something other than alone. Pretty soon alone gets tied to those good emotions from the activity. Fear has nothing left to feed off, it withers.
I fearlessly live my life. Not reckless, fearless.
Fear and worry is like praying for something you really don’t want. We live our lives expending so much energy into worry and fear over something that might happen. Energy we could invest better.
There are many possibilities. Lots of good outcomes happen and get little notice. But something bad happens and we focus upon it, far more than when the good happens.
Most of what we fear never comes to pass.
And if it does - deal with it then.
D17 is gone for the night and I’ve got a dark sky and stars to look at. Doing pretty good as a single guy.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
