About the pets, get your son more involved in taking care of them if your h isn't going to do so. You shouldn't have to do a large majority of the work w/them.
I will share w/you what I did about a very similar situation w/pets. We had one adult dog and when he went down the rabbit hole, he got a six month old pup, which we didn't need. He did as little as possible for either dog. I was in the situation of commuting to DC which is 1 1/2 hours one way for me. I would come home, feed/water the dogs and play w/them while my xh would sit in the house watching TV and stuffing his face. So, when he walked out the door and showed no sign of returning, I called around and a good friend took the pup. Puppies need a lot of time, love and attention, something I didn't have to give at that time. I asked him if he would take the pup...the answer was no. So, the pup had a good home for many years with my friend and I got to see her whenever I wanted. But, what did my xh go around telling people? I gave his puppy away and you know what the responses where to him? "Well, you walked out and what did you expect her to do? She has a long commute and is gone 12 hours a day...she did the right thing." He didn't get the sympathy that he wanted so badly and to make me look like a bad person.
Bottom line, you need to think about YOU and what YOU need to do for YOU to make your life easier. He certainly isn't doing much to help you out at all. As we have said...he fired you as his wife, lover and companion...so start thinking like a single person and do what is right for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
^^^ Wise words from Job^^^ Quit trying to rescue your H. All you're doing is wasting your own time and energy. Tell him to take care of the pup or it's gone. You're killing yourself trying to appease him and he just doesn't care right now.
I went and got 90 min massage... it helped. I dont normally relax so much during massage but I think sleep deprivation is kicking my butt.
I wasnt expecting him home this am. He asked if I was going to work... I said no but would be leaving in 4p. He asked when I would be home... I said around noon.
We got little snow overnight but he went out and shoveled my side... not much to really worry about and the salted as we will get a little more. It's a wet snow with warm temps it wont last. He hasnt bothered shoveling when we have had more snow than this.
I suppose it's just something for him to do so he isn't in the house with me.
When he was in the shower I said I'm leaving dogs in or out? He said in and then said out... I put them out and left.
It dawned on me that i hadn't said thank you for the driveway to him.. crud... I mean how can I complain that he didnt say thank you... when I just did it.
Anyway I have plans all day.. and I have paperwork at house to do. He should be asleep when I am home.
I have tickets to a music event and was hoping S18 would attend but he has a school event conflict. My mom would normally go but she has a conflict too. I will go solo...that will have me out of the house and not around him.
He should get plenty of sleep today so I will leave him to get up on his own.
I will avoid any type of contact communication with him today.
I'm doing my best to focus on me and getting my ducks in a row with atty tomorrow.
Even though I know he has already said he is staying with "friends" Thursday night and a party on the weekend, it stung like heck to see so much of his clothes packed up. He had to go get a suitcase from the attic.
It sits in his tuck which is pristine clean... not typical of my H.
He is gone and I have to focus on life as a single person.
We talked yesterday about legal S and his issue with it but he never said no to it BUT he still hasn't informed me if he is filing for D or S.
I was under the impression that our chances are better if he is still in the home.... I'm doing my best to act as if around him and using this board for my freak out moments. SO I am not freaking out in front of him.
Is it better I kick him out and not let him come back????
I think you stand a better chance of reconciling by having him move out. Your goal should be to make him feel like you are tired of his games, lying, and manipulation and that you have had an awakening that you are going to be just fine without him, not in a passive aggressive way, but in a way that conveys you realize your life is still great and will continue to be with or without him. Act as if.
I think you stand a better chance of reconciling by having him move out. Your goal should be to make him feel like you are tired of his games, lying, and manipulation and that you have had an awakening that you are going to be just fine without him, not in a passive aggressive way, but in a way that conveys you realize your life is still great and will continue to be with or without him. Act as if.
Thank you for your advice.
I know things will get ugly once I lawyer up... I'm not wanting that.
I will do my best to give him this weekend - it will be the longest we have been apart since this happened. He will either return with renewed efforts to end this all... or may soften toward me with the extra space. I'm a realist and more likely the former. Once he has had more dates, more bonding time.. leaves more of his clothing behind at her house. It will be the former.
I am tired of the lying. I came right out and said I know what is happening and why without the accusing words he is having an affair. He would have just denied.
I think its best I let him go without confrontation this tonight... that will just give him bonding material with his new interest. I will get my emotions in check and do it when he returns.
He asked if I was going to work... I said no but would be leaving in 4p.
Less words is almost always better.
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He asked when I would be home... I said around noon.
"I am not sure" would be a better response.
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It dawned on me that i hadn't said thank you for the driveway to him.. crud... I mean how can I complain that he didnt say thank you... when I just did it.
No big deal. Do words of affirmation matter to him? Or is that more your love language?
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I have tickets to a music event ... I will go solo...that will have me out of the house and not around him.
Perfect! Go enjoy. I enjoyed going out to dinner solo....
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I will avoid any type of contact communication with him today.
Glad to hear it. Avoid it like the plague...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I was under the impression that our chances are better if he is still in the home.... I'm doing my best to act as if around him and using this board for my freak out moments. SO I am not freaking out in front of him.
KC this is the kind of thing that concerns me.
It shouldn't be: letting him stay give me a better chance of saving the MR
It should be: I refuse to share a home with a liar and a cheater.
The first one is a person that is scared. That doesn't have principles that govern their life. That are willing to let others treat them in ways they wouldn't want their kids or friends to be treated.
The second is a principled stand. It is standing up for what is right. It is showing the world that you are a person that is worthy of better. It is someone that is setting an example for those around them and for their kids of what should and should not be tolerated.
Understand that if you ask him to leave because he is cheating, he will try to gaslight you. He will try to make you feel crazy, that there is nothing going on. He will manipulate you into questioning your own knowledge and evidence. That's what lying cheaters do. Be ready for that.
I would tell him tonight that you want him out. (Realize that legally he likely doesn't have to leave.) And then be ready for the lies, manipulations, and gaslighting.
My guess? He'd be so shocked that you are standing up for yourself that he won't know how to act.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It shouldn't be: letting him stay give me a better chance of saving the MR
It should be: I refuse to share a home with a liar and a cheater.
The first one is a person that is scared. That doesn't have principles that govern their life. That are willing to let others treat them in ways they wouldn't want their kids or friends to be treated.
I am scared... thats the truth
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I would tell him tonight that you want him out. (Realize that legally he likely doesn't have to leave.) And then be ready for the lies, manipulations, and gaslighting.
My guess? He'd be so shocked that you are standing up for yourself that he won't know how to act.
Steve85... I think he would already be gone but he feels that he needs to "be living" here to protect his assests. I don't know where that is coming from other than experience in his first divorce. His XW threw things out and destroyed stuff and supposedly he had no legal ground as it was marital property. I suppose he feels once he files whatever then he stuff is protected from me even if its here? That is what he is telling me.
But really he is going to be gone for 4 days... couldn't I just ditch the stuff then if I was going too?
I think he really wants to leave... he would be gone yesterday if he had a place.
He was up watching videos in bedroom while he "was sleeping". They were so loud I could here them 3 rooms away. So I had to get something out of the bedroom. I was quiet. But, supposedly I woke him up. When I mentioned that I thought he was already awake he denied being up watching videos on his phone... he said he just a couple of phone calls... whatever dude..
