I would love a little advice on something that just came up this morning, but first let me circle back to fear, control, detachment...
Originally Posted by PLC
Looks like you had a nice weekend. Good.
You know what? I did. If I just focus on the present moment, I totally did.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Rationalize and logically uncouple your fear. You presently live a more or less roommate life. You’re still here. You’re doing great. Life is good.
Let go your past. Live the here and now. Embrace and look towards your unknown future. Your future, not H’s, not your’s and H’s - your future.
I know I can do this, because I do find myself living in the present much more than I used to, able to appreciate the sun, a book I'm reading, a cake I baked, all of that and more. I think I spend too much energy being frustrated with myself when I spiral away from that in-the-present thinking and get caught up in all the feelings that elemental fear brings with it (only memories of H, no future H, all that). I will try to observe the fear when it feels overwhelming, uncouple it, but not dwell in it or on it. That is something I can control, even if it takes practice.
And, Wayfarer, posting this from IronWill's thread as a reminder to me too (I know DnJ has said as much also!):
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Dropping the rope isn't letting go of hope. Dropping the rope is letting go of fear, expectations, and control. Hope exists outside of what our WS/WAS are doing. Hope is for us. Not them. Letting go of the fear frees us, not them. Letting go of the control and expectations frees both of us.
Patience, I am cultivating. Dig deeper for patience, time is your friend--these phrases bring me comfort. I have moments of giving up control and therefore fear, then feeling lighter, freer, but they come and go. I'm ready (impatient!) for this to be a permanent state of mind. No surprise, I'm also very type A! Do you find this has happened for you through conscious work, or mostly subconscious? BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. Haha. May also mentioned it being a process beginning with acceptance. This all makes so much sense, and I think I make progress in understanding it logically, but I haven't fully internalized it. I think there is still part of my brain (or maybe it's the emotional part of me) that equates dropping the rope with giving up hope, even though I don't believe that is true.
Actually, all advice on that process is always welcome, but I would also appreciate advice on something else this morning. Our longtime landlord emailed our joint email account (not really sure how often H still checks it, though it used to be on his phone) to say she's raising our rent a bit, and that we can keep going as we have been, month to month, or she's happy to send over a year lease at any point—up to us. The rent increase is the first in a long time and still a good price, though it does make me anxious, as it just means it will be that much more challenging to take on all the expenses on my own, should it come to that. I've mostly accepted that is out of my control—I'm applying for better jobs, and that is all I can do at the moment.
My plan is to not say anything to H about the email, because I assume he will read it at some point, or notice the small rent increase when it happens in a couple of months. Based on his action or lack of action the last several months, I don't think he will say anything and will be content to just stick with our month-to-month lease, as it allows him to not commit to anything and not to think about the future. He seems more comfortable with just living in the present and, as far as I can tell, has no specific ideas of what his life will or will not look like in the future, because he doesn't want to think about that. I know he wouldn't have an objection to the rent increase either. Does this approach make sense?
Thanks for the input, DnJ. I don’t feel a rush to bring it up. I doubt he will.
The increase in rent has made me feel again how dependent I am on him financially to live. I tried to push that thought out of my mind today, since it’s out of my control for now. This evening I found out I didn’t get the very PT gig I interviewed for a couple of weekends ago, which wouldn’t have helped much anyway, but the news did get me down. I was hoping I would come home to a house without H and could just have a quiet night, try to cheer myself up. He was gone and just as I started my dinner he came back and immediately put on a record he got, it appears, at a concert last night. It’s grating on me, though I’m trying to channel the PMA I had this weekend. It took a lot of energy to enjoy the music then. Tonight I just don’t have that energy. I’m trying and failing not to think about every concert we went to when we were younger. I’m angry that he seems to be reliving that life without me, and it’s not even something I’d want to do for myself, see bands, because I don’t get pleasure from music right now. I’m sure that will return eventually, but now I just crave quiet.
I know his running off to concerts is not directed at me. Why does it hurt me? The music drifts through the house, and to me it screams: Your H is your roommate! He is home and not even talking to you! Can you believe how things have turned out?! I have trouble mentally separating myself from him and the situation when there’s an H-imposed soundtrack.
So I should go to my room and put headphones on? Turn on the TV like I had planned and let it compete with his music? I just want to be alone here right now.
Before I go to sleep, I want to post that I think I’ve reined myself in a little bit. (It was helpful to vent here!) I just kept reading a book where I sat, first on the verge of crying and then mildly annoyed. I eventually thought of a few things that helped me find some compassion.
1. Maybe music is actually an escape from the situation for H, though it’s the opposite for me. In our relationship, it became very clear over time that our brains worked very differently: mine was constantly running through everything, processing even things I didn’t want to think about. H was always like, I don’t think about anything I don’t want to, I don’t worry, I don’t stress, etc. And I could say now (and have said since BD!) that this way of living/compartmentalizing clearly has its downsides, since H didn’t know how to process his own feelings or make them heard. But my way has downsides too (worrying about future I can’t control!). So it is totally likely we would have opposite responses to music in a time like this. For H, it could very well be an escape from his thoughts and feelings, a way to tune them out, not bring them to the surface.
2. Maybe all this music and concert-going is returning H to a time when he was younger, and it’s comforting because he was worry-free during that time; everything seemed simple and good. For me, thinking of the past this way is painful, because I associate it with our R, with happier times that throw this time into horrible relief, but for him, it could be another way of escaping the emotions he found himself tangled in as he got older.
How could he listen to this music and not mourn the way things were with us, not associate it with the love we had? That’s the question that bothers me always. It feels cold to me. But in asking it of him, I’m assuming his brain is my brain. I’m assuming he confronts feelings head on like I do because I’m incapable of ignoring mine. But this is not the way he operates. Of course I am struggling to process all of these strong, present feelings in my head, just like I’ve always done; of course he is likely able to set any feelings aside and think only about things like what concert he will go to next and how to keep himself busy (and not thinking), like he has always done.
As I was typing this, H just came by the bedroom to tell me he’s dog/house-sitting and will be gone more over the next several days, so... I should appreciate he let me know.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the gig. Yeah, very part time wouldn’t have made much financial difference; still I do empathize with how it got you feeling down. (((cardinal)))
I also agree, directly competing with the H imposed soundtrack (ie cranking up the TV) is not a good idea. I found fighting fire with fire usually gets everyone burnt. Imagine this - you are carrying a bucket of gas and a bucket of water. You can pour either one on the burning situation.
Well done finding compassion within this. Nice and clear, logical, and empathic. H’s path is all about him, not you. It is about his escape from his torment; reliving a past time when he was emotional stunted and hopefully growing up from there.
Originally Posted by cardinal
How could he listen to this music and not mourn the way things were with us, not associate it with the love we had? That’s the question that bothers me always. It feels cold to me.
You said it well. You are were assuming his brain is your brain. Were assuming that he will tackle problems the way you do.
We view based upon our perceptions.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Of course I am struggling to process all of these strong, present feelings in my head, just like I’ve always done;
Be gentle with yourself. These are big strong feelings. And yet they will flit away. Answers do come at the most incredible times; times of quiet and almost not even considering the situation. Like finding more compassion while reading a book.
Originally Posted by cardinal
of course he is likely able to set any feelings aside and think only about things like what concert he will go to next and how to keep himself busy (and not thinking), like he has always done.
Be careful with this. Yes H is unable to face his emotions. But a person in crisis cannot set their feelings aside; their feelings are cranked to 11. They run from their feelings and pain. They need to run. They are driven to run. They feel too much when they slow from running. It is a horrible way to live.
Originally Posted by cardinal
How could he listen to this music and not mourn the way things were with us, not associate it with the love we had?
He has run from his emotions. Back in time. While he is at that place and time, he is really emotionally living there and then. Whatever and whenever his trauma(s) were, he needs to relive those moments. You were not around then. He was not married then. For that young hurting H, there is nothing to mourn, there is no “us”.
Now he does realize his life, you and him, love, marriage, etc. And with all he is struggling with, he cannot handle anymore so he ignores and buries his history and marriage. The no pressure advice speaks directly to this. If there is too much pressure he will run.
If he can, he slowly will face and grow from his trauma. This is a marathon not a sprint. You will need compassion and indifference to outlast his MLC.
You are doing well. Really well.
Continue to focus on you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Dropping the rope isn't letting go of hope. Dropping the rope is letting go of fear, expectations, and control. Hope exists outside of what our WS/WAS are doing. Hope is for us. Not them. Letting go of the fear frees us, not them. Letting go of the control and expectations frees both of us.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Patience, I am cultivating. Dig deeper for patience, time is your friend--these phrases bring me comfort. I have moments of giving up control and therefore fear, then feeling lighter, freer, but they come and go. I'm ready (impatient!) for this to be a permanent state of mind. No surprise, I'm also very type A! Do you find this has happened for you through conscious work, or mostly subconscious? BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. Haha. May also mentioned it being a process beginning with acceptance. This all makes so much sense, and I think I make progress in understanding it logically, but I haven't fully internalized it. I think there is still part of my brain (or maybe it's the emotional part of me) that equates dropping the rope with giving up hope, even though I don't believe that is true.
So when I'm forced to talk about the affair, and I have to talk about myself, because to be honest most people are interested in WH's newest behaviors because he is like fireballing his way through the stages of an affair at this point, I tell people as terrible as this situation is, I'm glad it happened. My depression, my grief, the weird codependency circle my H and I were participating in, I had completely and totally lost myself. My GALing and 180s have made me find her again. And I really like her a lot. The other huge thing that this has done for me is challenge my most A type traits. This has been a HUGE exercise in patience and relinquishing control. I have very little patience. And for a multitude of reasons I like to be in control at all times. This mess, this craziness I'm in with my H, I have zero control over anything but me, and to the best of my ability barriers I could put between his crazy and our girls when he was deep in it. Any teeny bit of control I tried to take the alien would immediately snatch out from under me and say something horrible in the process. (I really do think WS's are just absolutely the worst version of themselves early on so you can be prepared for the roller coaster that's coming) One thing I am not is a slow learner. Letting go of the control was the only way to survive in the beginning. And with the control being relinquished patience came. I don't get to work on my time clock. If I did when I told him he was in an EA he would've stopped. Or when he realized he was. Or when he thought being with her in public all the time was a good idea and he was confronted by not only me but others wondering where his wife was. But we are working on the time clock of a person in emotional crisis, not at the level your H is but same thought process. I can't hope for an R ever if I want things on my time. And honestly I need to let the love of my life figure out his issues and how to deal with them on his own. I can't fix this for him. I have to end the codependency. He can only fix himself. So patience is both conscious and unconscious.
As far as your H's music. My WH started playing all these love songs when things started getting hot and heavy with OW I may or may not have unplugged the wifi and plugged it back in right quick. But I'm petty like that, and with an MLCer and an actually record player I don't know that I would recommend that level of petty for you. With your H though, if you think he's having an approachable day you might want to just stick your head in and say I love that song, and walk away. I think that falls well with in the guidelines of friendly neighbor. If you look like you don't care about the music he may be less of a rebellious teenager about it. Next, you can't have the expectation that he thinks or feels the way you do. Or they way he used to. Or that he functions on the levels of a healthy person. He doesn't. He thinks only of himself and right now probably what ever that music is bringing up. If it's too much you might want to think about noise cancelling head phones. Or long walks.....I live with 2 teenagers. You won't win a loud music argument with a teenager and you're currently working with a teenager.
On the music thread... I found these Spotify playlists H had made from summer 2018 and fall 2019 with all these stupid love songs and breakup songs on them. Made me want to vomit. (When I found them it was before I realized that he had been involved with her in summer 2018, so was wondering what it was all about... like was he sad about the direction of our R since that was a time we had been fighting a ton and he was being evil alien H?) Anyway, music is a powerful thing but, as you say, can have really different meanings for different people, and for the same people at different times in our lives. And agree with everyone that doing or saying anything about it probably isn't a great idea. Although would there be anything wrong with poking your head in and saying hey do you mind turning that down? I am trying to watch TV.
I don't think I'd say anything about the rent either. I just don't see the possible upside to it, whereas I could imagine it could push forward an R convo that might not be a positive thing right now.
(((Cardinal)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I often wondered the same about my XH he clearly let go easily without to much pain while I sat with all the grief and loss How could he just let go? I thought about this a lot
I think you have a great point they process things differently and maybe MLC also adds to this because the fantasy of the new mis intoxicating while the old seems boring to a MLC mind
But in the end the tables flip and I have seen first hand this part we who choose to do the work, heal and let go stand strong in a new powerful life, while the MLC life continues to crumble This is not what I would wish for them...but I see it to be true for many
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Cardinal, thanks for stopping by my thread. Especially because it nudged me to go find yours. It sounds like wherever you are it is warm enough to a little work outside. I envy you! Where I am it is snowing today. I do have my seed orders placed and in a few weeks I'll start the tomatoes under the grow lights. I wish it were garden season already because I do love pulling weeds and it is a great form of meditation. I love digging in the dirt. Anyway, since it is snowing here, this afternoon I went all the way back to the beginning of your story in the first thread and am now caught up. I agree that there is much similarity in the things that our H's have said! I am sure you must struggle with sadness, sorrow, anger... all those human emotions anyone in our sich would have. But I also see much strength and serenity in so many of your posts. Such calm and peace and zen. So be proud of that! And I see you really trying to grow and be a better person in the midst of all of this. I am still reeling with a roller coaster of emotions. It is all very new and raw so I am a long way away from that point in the future when I look back and have gratitude for the opportunity this pain gave me to grow. I understand your financial stress too. No amount of "I will be okay no matter what" actually pays the mortgage or puts food on the table. And yet it is essential to start with that one sentence. I will be okay no matter what. My kids will be okay no matter what.
And if you like water at all, maybe give water aerobics a try! I've been doing it for a while. I do the "old lady" classes in the warm therapy pool. It is pure joy. Our wellness center has a wall of windows looking out over the mountains and so you just float there, feeling weightless and magical and you see nothing but the edge of the water against the mountains and sky in the distance.
But in asking it of him, I’m assuming his brain is my brain.
Good job of reminding yourself that!! That is really the key. Not only the timeline is different, your H’s brain probably processes things differently also.
