Riding the Wave 2

[cardinal]

I hate how on edge his good behavior makes me. But I'm starting to realize that most of it is because I constantly think that any good behavior is transactional behavior. That he's only doing something remotely human to either pay for something I didn't know happened or something he's about to do.

Argh, totally realizing I'm with you on this. And of course now that my H's good behavior has ended, I'm wondering about the "something he's about to do part" even more. So one thing that might help both of us is to stop thinking anything of the good behavior, right? Isn't that one of those things that sounds deceivingly simple? It's not transactional, it just is. Or isn't. All I know is that the good behavior in my sitch (which is not even the same kind of "good") threw me for a loop, and I've been trying to get my balance back ever since. Maybe it's a more gradual process, this balance-seeking. Something someone once told me just popped into my head: "The practice isn't to remain centered. The practice is to return to center."

I also appreciate all of your clear thinking re: your H's plans to move out. It helps me think about the possibility more clearly, too, why it's needed and not something to fear, though I'm currently feeling a bit frustrated that my H has never even brought it up.

He some where along the way here went very Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy with declaring our marriage over. He seems to think because he feels it and said it to me, that it some how makes it true. I don't know.

He feels it and says it so it's true. That seems about right. He's got to justify what he's doing, right?

The whole interaction was very strange. It went from how I was doing. And how concerned her H is about me. To her H running into one of two above said friends and how they wouldn't talk about my sitch with him. And when I kinda shrugged that off I was berated with the above. She was one of the 3 people I've been confiding in purposely since the very early days of this, and had been nothing but supportive of me up until last night.

Oof. I'm sorry you were subjected to her rant, probably over what you imagined would be a pleasant dinner. It sounds like it was more about her than it was about you, or even what she thinks of your decisions or attitude. I think it's hard for anyone to understand how they would react in these kinds of situations, and they project a lot onto us. You, again, are so clear-headed here and eloquent—you know exactly what you're choosing and why.

What I didn't anticipate was the fact that I'd have to defend my non-stance on whole other adults having a non-stance on MY mess. I didn't think I have to explain to another adult that what they think I'm thinking and feeling isn't what I'm thinking and feeling.

What exactly are you supposed to do about the way his friends and your friends are interacting with each other? Why should that be your problem? Your focus is on you, which is where it should be, imo. Maybe your friend's disappointment with how other people are reacting or not reacting to all of this is something she feels like she needs to take care of, or something she needs you to get riled up about too, but... it's not. I hope this friend will give you more of the kind of support you need.

And congrats on the run!

[wooba]

I’m sorry you had to sit through that conversation with your friend. I’m sure she meant well. She has genuine concerns for you and probably was just angry for you. It is difficult for our friends to support us in this situation, esp when from their perspective the easiest and the most reasonable thing may be to just leave the M. Don’t let this strain your friendship though. Maybe next time you can just politely suggest not talking about this at all.

I have a friend who is a L so I had to let her in on my sitch when I consulted her. And after that she would keep sending me these links on articles on marriage/children/relationship building .....it is actually kind of funny and sweet (I do not read any of it ever). It is hard for some people to not offer help when they think they can help you. Lol.

But I for life of me can't figure out why it put me into that level of a panic last night. I don't know if it's because I've grown accustomed to our completely insane schedule and he crapped all over my expectations. Or if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I have no idea what that shoe is. I hate how on edge his good behavior makes me. But I'm starting to realize that most of it is because I constantly think that any good behavior is transactional behavior. That he's only doing something remotely human to either pay for something I didn't know happened or something he's about to do.

Expectations. You are ready for him when he’s being his usual self because that’s what you expect. When he shows good behavior it throws you off not only because 1) you weren’t expecting it, but also 2) the good behavior makes you expect that bad thing will follow.

You don’t need to know where that good behavior comes from, and you don’t need to know where it will lead you. Take it at face value. Keep moving forward.

[wayfarer]

Weekend update:

The friend thing is what it is. I've decided to just kind back off from her for a while. She was the same mutual friend posting passive aggressive memes pointed at H. So having time to sit and think after reeling in my own personal hurt over the behavior, and talking to H about both of our recent interactions with her I realized I may have confided in someone who just isn't emotionally able to handle something this heavy without projecting her own relationship issues and making things about her. She's a good person and her heart I'm sure is in the right place, but I need support and love. Not shame and questioning. I question myself and my motivations 24/7.

As far as stuff with my WH this weekend. Dear lord it's a new thing every single week with this man. So we had that big heart to heart a week ago and he was telling me there's likelihood OW is moving in June since he's absolutely without a doubt moving out in April. I've been operating on that assumption prior, frankly, and since. But since I'm just tumbling down the rabbit hole of terrible DBing recently and even more recently terrible muffin shop owning I have found out that that is/was not the entire story.

Friday night both WH and I got home late-ish I was home and in bed watching TV but H had been texting me so I figured he'd just end up waking me up when he got home, I'd stay up. He came and sat and then laid on the bed and we chit chatted about our night and the friend that I'm having issues with since she has started posting passive aggressive memes about me being a door mat. We discussed for a while the people we've let all the way in on this and our positive and negative feelings about that. Then we talked about a bunch of other stuff some mundane some less so. He fell asleep in the bed, and I just let him.

Saturday he left to put a couple hours in at work, and a practice run for his upcoming marathon. I left shortly after for a much shorter run and errands. We were only home together a short time Saturday afternoon as I had a kid's bday party to attend. There was construction outside our house, I think maybe a water main down the block but the trucks were all parked by us. He asked if he could have the MBR for the night as he had to go in to work at 3am. I agreed. He mentioned what seemed like off handedly that he doesn't care if I wanted to be in the bed too. He'd be fine and just slip out at 2:15. Then he wouldn't need to wake me and move me from the couch. I kinda shrugged it off. And said maybe, we'll see how loud it is. When we were forced to share a bed Christmas night due to house guests, it was a sh*tshow. Like body pillow between us. He slept on top of the covers fully clothed. I cried myself to sleep once he started snoring. The idea of being back in the bed made me a little worried I was going to have like LBS PTSD but he was right laying on the couch the work in the street was super loud and vibrating from the machinery. So I went and laid in the bed with him. I went in the bed with every intention of the fighters saying in their own corner. I was in a big t-shirt and leggings. Apparently best of intentions and being covered from collar bone to ankle wasn't enough. He initiated and I didn't stop him, nor did I have any intention of stopping him pretty much the second he reached over to me.

Sunday night against my better judgement and my flitting around the house doing nonsensical "cleaning" to avoid it WH decided he wanted to talk about what had happened and we were going to talk about it. He apologized. And I did get a little snotty and asked what he was apologizing for. The physical intimacy or the emotional intimacy of holding me all night and kissing my forehead when he slipped out of bed in the morning? He said all of it. He didn't want to confuse me any more than he already had. And he didn't want me to be as confused as he is. Apparently what he had told me the week prior when about his big plans moving forward in his relationship with OW was only half the story. He left out a big IF in that. Apparently that's what is going to happen IF he stays on the path to his future with OW. Apparently he had been questioning things for a few weeks at that time. And he's been actively pulling away from her, but didn't want to tell me so I didn't get my hopes up. He, as I had suspected, but apparently he didn't, doesn't really know what he wants. Apparently this is why he's home so much lately. And just like on me. He says hasn't gone full NC with OW because he's still unsure. HE's unsure because up until recently he didn't see a future with me as an option at all. He now sees that. He missed me. He missed us. And he's feeling conflicted. I validated. "I understand. It's a tough place. I've been there. I'm doing my best to give you time and space." All that stuff.

He pushed about how I felt about it because I seemed mad. And since I was already crapping all over my own boundaries and DBing I just went for it. I said I wasn't mad. I just didn't want to have the conversation. I was actively avoiding it and he couldn't take the hint. That I just wanted to leave what had happened alone for like a day or two. That I'm getting frustrated with the idea that me bringing up R stuff is pushing too hard, but if he wants to talk about it I need to drop everything and talk about it or I won't get any thing at all about what's going through his head. That I'm frustrated that he thinks I'm so stupid that I didn't know he was conflicted and somehow he was going to hide that from me. That it's way too late to protect me from pretty much anything, much less from getting my hopes up. I hadn't assigned any meaning to the night before. As with everything he says and does in the last 4ish months, I just let it ride and see where the chips fall. That I'm living my life as if he's running out the door ASAP, but I appreciate him finally saying he's actually conflicted instead of forcing me to Nancy Drew my way through his actions to guess. He asked if I regretted it. And I said no. I haven't been touched in 3 months. And I don't know how I'd regret sleeping with my own husband.He then asked how I felt about him being in the MBR more, and being intimate more. A part of me wanted to tell him yeah never going to happen one time thing. Last hurrah, enjoy bucko. But alas the boards have been ripped off the muffin shop doors and I don't think there's any going back now. I said that OW isn't welcome anywhere in my bedroom. If he wants in and all the privileges in there she doesn't cross the threshold. No communicating with her at all in this room, and that I had a pristine STI panel Christmas Eve because of this nonsense and that it better stay that way. I've sacrificed sanity, pride, and apparently friends now over this mess, I'm not going to sacrifice my health for his indecision.

He had intended on sleeping in the MBR last night but got spooked realizing he had been in the bedroom when the kids started settling in for the night and "didn't want to give them the wrong idea." I may have not so politely said that normal families on the verge of a split usually tell the kids they are splitting after they've exhausted all avenues, and you making an effort in this relationship isn't "the wrong idea." He brought up the hopes thing about them. I wanted to say, those girls think you're a hopeless mess, I don't know who's feelings you're trying to spare at this point. But I did not. I just said I get it. He gave me a hug, and went and slept on the couch. He came into the MBR to say good bye this morning before work.

I see my IC tomorrow. I think I'm going to have to talk to her about seeing her once a week instead of every other. His behavior is changing so rapidly I just can't process this stuff fast enough to stay detached. Or apparently even make good decisions. I can see how antsy and stressed out him leaning in more and more is is making me. If this is the road we're going down I really need to talk through a new game plan of how to move forward if he doesn't move out as planned. And in the cases of both scenarios of either a longer state of limbo or if he wants to really try.

I just want to end this with if you see my very first post on my very first thread I asked him at Christmas time to just leave this alone and we live our lives separately and not have a single R talk until March 1. Why couldn't he just listen to me?? Lol

[Pommy99]

Wow WF, what a rollercoaster of a weekend. He definitely spooked himself by getting close and has now pulled away to try and counteract his actions. Keep up the DBing as it’s clearly working in many regards. I’m glad you got some action after 3 months (I’m sooo jealous!!), I feel concerned that he is actively pulling away from OW but hasn’t ended it, whilst simultaneously is sniffing around you. Forgive me if I am wrong but he seems to be testing out the solidity off plan B before ditching Plan A. I think you have recognised this anyhow. Be careful and be strong x

[may22]

OMG Wayfarer. HUGS HUGS HUGS. You are on a wild ride, sister.

First off, I think moving to the weekly IC appointments is a good idea. And continuing to double down on whatever GALing you can do. Working out might be good to burn off the emotional energy?

Some thoughts:

On the muffin shop... you go, girl. Don't feel bad or guilty or shamed for making this choice. I think as long as you feel it is beneficial for YOU and you aren't attaching too much other emotional stuff to it-- which I don't think you will-- it is fine. (Also whatever you need to do to know you're protecting yourself health-wise.) You know I've done it and I'm not sorry. In fact in my situation I think it really pulled my H out of how he was viewing me and made him realize I'm not the frigid controlling W he was trying to pretend I was in order to go. I know your sitch is different because you didn't have a SSM, but maybe some things are still parallel. My only advice in this space is to stay on top of reevaluating how you feel about this and to not be afraid to close the muffin shop back up if your feelings change. And not to make it too easy for him.

Apparently what he had told me the week prior when about his big plans moving forward in his relationship with OW was only half the story. He left out a big IF in that. Apparently that's what is going to happen IF he stays on the path to his future with OW. Apparently he had been questioning things for a few weeks at that time. And he's been actively pulling away from her, but didn't want to tell me so I didn't get my hopes up. He, as I had suspected, but apparently he didn't, doesn't really know what he wants. Apparently this is why he's home so much lately. And just like on me. He says hasn't gone full NC with OW because he's still unsure. HE's unsure because up until recently he didn't see a future with me as an option at all. He now sees that. He missed me. He missed us. And he's feeling conflicted.

I think you saw this from his behavior and knew it was coming, didn't you? I know it feels destabilizing because you've laid out in your mind (yes, fellow control freak, I saw that) the path back for him that will work, the things he *needs* to do before coming back, and this isn't it... so it has got to feel alarming and difficult and totally throws you off your game.

I might say, though, that much of what he needed to experience he has been experiencing, just not 100%. He has been able to pursue his R with the AP and sounds like the bloom is wearing off the rose. He sees that you're OK with him MO and will be OK without him and he's now wondering if he's OK without you. The million dollar question, of course, debated on my thread (and KG's) to no end, is if he needs to actually lose you to truly come back or if there is another path that may be different from the standard but still ends up in R. I've been re-reading Healing from Infidelity and she definitely advocates for staying in the R as long as you can handle it. (When you can't, then you walk.) What you're doing is poster child from her book. Have you read it? There is a chapter on what to do when your spouse won't end the affair and it might be really helpful for you. Though it feels like you're already doing everything it says.

Here's another thing that I think is important right now... he may very well pull back again, get freaked out that he slept with you, shared these things with you, whatever. I think it is a good thing that you were honest and open with him in the R talk. But be prepared this week for maybe how you might feel Tuesday night if he goes out with OW, or if you see him texting or whatever. Maybe this is a good time to plan to be out of the house as much as you can to keep your own sanity (and also for him to wonder where you are)?

hang in there. Do you have one new thing you can focus on this week, just for you?

[wayfarer]

Wow WF, what a rollercoaster of a weekend. He definitely spooked himself by getting close and has now pulled away to try and counteract his actions. Keep up the DBing as it’s clearly working in many regards. I’m glad you got some action after 3 months (I’m sooo jealous!!), I feel concerned that he is actively pulling away from OW but hasn’t ended it, whilst simultaneously is sniffing around you. Forgive me if I am wrong but he seems to be testing out the solidity off plan B before ditching Plan A. I think you have recognised this anyhow. Be careful and be strong x

I think he might have. I'm not surprised really. He did that last weekend just touching my legs and opening up to me. I got 2 days of silence because of that. But today I've already been messaged. So I don't know how much is really about the girls, how much is about him wanting to talk to OW before he fell asleep, and how much is his own conscious fighting itself should he be in the bed with me another night.

The plan a vs plan b thing I'm sure is part of it, but not all. I really don't think he saw me as an actual option at all until recently. I think the fog/alien what ever was too strong before. The comment I made about the minotaur with boobs was/is a real thing. About 6 or 7 weeks ago now he walked in the bedroom after I had gotten out of the shower. I was in a full on bath sheet. Like one of those giant sized towels. I was covered from cleavage to calf and when he walked in he behaved as if he has walked in on a stark naked stranger in a changing room and was horrified. Not only did that make me feel like absolute garbage, but it was one of the weird moments when I realized how deep into the limerence he was. That right there is the only thing I'm reading into this. Feelings for him are all over the board. I know that we aren't exactly full steam ahead to R because of this. I think were just rounding one more terrifying bend on a windy, long, arduous journey. But something clearly has changed. Because less than 2 months ago the idea of touching me disgusted him.

[wayfarer]

OMG Wayfarer. HUGS HUGS HUGS. You are on a wild ride, sister.

First off, I think moving to the weekly IC appointments is a good idea. And continuing to double down on whatever GALing you can do. Working out might be good to burn off the emotional energy?

Ok so I'm just going to say it. My dance class is a pole dancing class. I have that 1 day a week. Plus 1 more day I do something called pole fit there which is a strength and flexibility course specifically geared toward the muscle groups and flexibility you need for the pole. I do yoga once a week at the Y with my bff. And then I run 3 days a week. If I work out more with as much as I struggle to eat these days I might die...lol. Granted I was a big girl before this, but I'm getting ever closer to an average sized girl now and I'm running out of wiggle room with the dramatic weight loss. But maybe I need to take up knitting or something. While I am reading more than I used to it has to be light material because I can't focus long enough for the deeper more detailed stuff right now. Something difficult and new but relatively mindless is what I think I need.

Some thoughts:

On the muffin shop... you go, girl. Don't feel bad or guilty or shamed for making this choice. I think as long as you feel it is beneficial for YOU and you aren't attaching too much other emotional stuff to it-- which I don't think you will-- it is fine. (Also whatever you need to do to know you're protecting yourself health-wise.) You know I've done it and I'm not sorry. In fact in my situation I think it really pulled my H out of how he was viewing me and made him realize I'm not the frigid controlling W he was trying to pretend I was in order to go. I know your sitch is different because you didn't have a SSM, but maybe some things are still parallel. My only advice in this space is to stay on top of reevaluating how you feel about this and to not be afraid to close the muffin shop back up if your feelings change. And not to make it too easy for him.

My drive is super high. I know I joked, but I was very seriously toying with the idea of making a tinder profile. This is most definitely filling a need I'd rather let my H fill than a stranger for a multitude of reasons. I think this is also pulling him out of the way he viewed me too, but different way. He really was so far gone he couldn't see me as a sexual being. I was furniture that cooked before. I think him remembering what that part of our life was like is piece that's been missing in all this new found interest in the life we were living. I'm not exactly expecting roses or for him to be asking for a date night any time soon. But romance starts with attraction. Him willingly admitting attraction is one thing here that I'm willing to let myself read into. And the reassessing is definitely a conversation that I had with myself and I'm sure I'll have with my bff soon. You think a lot like her, May

I think you saw this from his behavior and knew it was coming, didn't you? I know it feels destabilizing because you've laid out in your mind (yes, fellow control freak, I saw that) the path back for him that will work, the things he *needs* to do before coming back, and this isn't it... so it has got to feel alarming and difficult and totally throws you off your game.

I did. But he kept saying he was so sure of his trajectory I chose to believe it. Granted I know believe none of what they say and 1/2 of what they do. So it should've been a good indicator. This is throwing me off a lot. I didn't think he'd try what he did on Saturday until the 11th hour, but I guess maybe this feels like the 11th hour to him.

I might say, though, that much of what he needed to experience he has been experiencing, just not 100%. He has been able to pursue his R with the AP and sounds like the bloom is wearing off the rose. He sees that you're OK with him MO and will be OK without him and he's now wondering if he's OK without you. The million dollar question, of course, debated on my thread (and KG's) to no end, is if he needs to actually lose you to truly come back or if there is another path that may be different from the standard but still ends up in R. I've been re-reading Healing from Infidelity and she definitely advocates for staying in the R as long as you can handle it. (When you can't, then you walk.) What you're doing is poster child from her book. Have you read it? There is a chapter on what to do when your spouse won't end the affair and it might be really helpful for you. Though it feels like you're already doing everything it says.

I need to get the book, but we share the amazon account. I was able to get DR through my target app on my phone. I'm trying to not be super obvious about the books I'm reading about this. Not just because of the Sandi recommendation but one of the sticks in his craw over our MR or just a personality quirk I guess is that I find a subject and consume everything available to me about the subject. Then apparently not only do I think I know everything but a consuming interest in any subject is also very annoying. I was unaware of this until recently...lol.

Here's another thing that I think is important right now... he may very well pull back again, get freaked out that he slept with you, shared these things with you, whatever. I think it is a good thing that you were honest and open with him in the R talk. But be prepared this week for maybe how you might feel Tuesday night if he goes out with OW, or if you see him texting or whatever. Maybe this is a good time to plan to be out of the house as much as you can to keep your own sanity (and also for him to wonder where you are)?

I had very little on my calendar this week as we were due for another snow storm but it moved south, so I made dinner plans for Wednesday, and trying make more plans currently, because that's exactly what I'm concerned about. He went silent for 2 days after just touching my legs and sharing. This could send him reeling, or ping ponging harder between OW and me.

hang in there. Do you have one new thing you can focus on this week, just for you?

I don't know If I have anything new, but I think this weekend is candle lit bath weekend. Maybe I'll try a new wine

[may22]

Ok so I'm just going to say it. My dance class is a pole dancing class. I have that 1 day a week. Plus 1 more day I do something called pole fit there which is a strength and flexibility course specifically geared toward the muscle groups and flexibility you need for the pole. I do yoga once a week at the Y with my bff. And then I run 3 days a week. If I work out more with as much as I struggle to eat these days I might die...lol. Granted I was a big girl before this, but I'm getting ever closer to an average sized girl now and I'm running out of wiggle room with the dramatic weight loss.

ooohh.... that sounds amazing. I want to do that! I decided I want to do some ab work now that I (also) don't really want to lose any more weight but want to work on my abs. Maybe pilates if I can't find a pole class

I think this is also pulling him out of the way he viewed me too, but different way. He really was so far gone he couldn't see me as a sexual being. I was furniture that cooked before. I think him remembering what that part of our life was like is piece that's been missing in all this new found interest in the life we were living. I'm not exactly expecting roses or for him to be asking for a date night any time soon. But romance starts with attraction. Him willingly admitting attraction is one thing here that I'm willing to let myself read into. And the reassessing is definitely a conversation that I had with myself and I'm sure I'll have with my bff soon. You think a lot like her, May

This exactly mirrors what has happened with H and me also, though over a longer time frame. Six-nine months ago he was totally grossed out by the idea of having sex with me and he did this visible yech shake thing when we talked about it. So I stayed way, way back. We are in a totally different place now in/re sex and I know he is attracted to me. (TBH we have been sleeping together a tiny bit more than I've let on in my thread-- not all the time but there have been a few times I haven't shared about. But for me it is a really good thing for myself as I learn more about my own sexuality and recalibrating now that I no longer need to see my self as a low-sex-drive person.) That part you just said about romance starting with attraction is interesting too-- I hadn't really thought about it that way but you're right, it is certainly a step in the right direction.

I need to get the book, but we share the amazon account. I was able to get DR through my target app on my phone. I'm trying to not be super obvious about the books I'm reading about this. Not just because of the Sandi recommendation but one of the sticks in his craw over our MR or just a personality quirk I guess is that I find a subject and consume everything available to me about the subject. Then apparently not only do I think I know everything but a consuming interest in any subject is also very annoying. I was unaware of this until recently...lol.

OMG Wayfarer, THIS IS ME!! This is me exactly!!! And it is annoying my H no end right now. (Although he likes it when we do big projects together because I read everything that was ever written on the topic and he gets to get the cliff notes version.) Also if you order a book on Amazon you can archive the order right away so he doesn't see it in your list of things you bought. Or maybe get your friend to buy for you. I think it might be helpful as long as you can resist not giving your H recommendations on what needs to happen in order for him to let go mentally of AP or whatever... speaking from experience.

I don't know If I have anything new, but I think this weekend is candle lit bath weekend. Maybe I'll try a new wine

Good idea! You sound great. Have fun with your BFF--- wish we could all hang out!!

[wayfarer]

So mid week update:
Monday was a weird day. I was anticipating silence. And I didn't get it. There was a lot of chatter. Text and in person. He caught me alone in the kitchen and sincerely asked me how my day was, so sincerely that I thought he was messing with me, and me being me and terrible at this flat out asked him if he was. Messing might not have been the exact word I used. He was a little offended and told me he really wanted to know. So I told him. Asked him about his day. He thanked me for making dinner and went in for a kiss like a normal married couple "thanks babe" kiss not a I'm trying to get in your pants right now kiss, and I reacted quickly for some reason and gave him my cheek. I felt a little bad about that but the more he leans in and wants to play house the more stressed out I get. As I left for my dance class he grabbed me and pulled me in and asked if he could you know have another go at that the whole marital relations situation later. I said I'd think about it. I did give in but mostly because we're now working with this super fun teenagers trying not to get caught by their parents dynamic and the parents in this situation are D17 and D15. I did get a little sick pleasure of kicking him out of the bed after like he was a booty call. That was fun.

IC went really well yesterday. She's just so wonderful, and it's so helpful that she had met him just the once so she has a bit of knowledge of what I'm working with here. She's very encouraged by the direction things are going, but wants me to keep DBing and not only DBing but she told me to think about the beginning of our relationship and specifically try to emulate the things I did that seemed to attract him and pull him in then. So I'm going to guess adding back in intimacy isn't really hurting my cause here...lol. She did say let's keep it every other for now, just because things are moving so quickly in the other direction it might be best to just kind sit tight and wait him out, if my anxiety or his behavior is really going off the rails she'll squeeze me in. We did touch on next time discussing a path if he doesn't go, and how if that's the direction we end up in we'll need to talk about boundaries I'd like to put in place if he'd like more time at home while he decides but is also leaning in since it makes me so uncomfortable. And thoughts about what I'd like the R to look like and what I'm willing to live with when it inevitably doesn't go my way.

I felt really good after leaving there, but it being a Tuesday by midday I was just completely on edge. I don't know if I'm going to be traumatized by Tuesdays forever now, or what. I added an extra class on Tuesdays just so I wouldn't have to be home. I did my class. Stopped off at my bff's house and just wasted time because I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with him being with OW or my other dread him being there all night. He was there. He was showered and snuggled up on the couch with blankets watching a romantic comedy alone. And there he stayed for the rest of the night. I ended up spending the rest of my night in the MBR. I think I said like 2 sentences to him yesterday. He clearly was picking up what I was putting down. He just left me alone. Tuesdays just suck. And we had had 4 straight days of being on top of each other emotionally and physically (not just figuratively this time) and I'm really not used to that any more. I needed my space and took it. I slept 8 hours straight for the first time in years. Literally years.

I have dinner with a friend tonight, and I'm so grateful it fell on the calendar when it did. I don't want to avoid him. I don't want to seem too eager either. But honestly me checking out yesterday and today are just because this is all so much so fast. He went from a complete stranger living in my house to what ever the hell this version of him is. I don't want him to feel rejected but I can't keep going at the pace he's trying to go. I need breathing room. I was kind of hoping he was going to ask why I was being weird last night, but then I remembered even in a good head space he would just let me be if I seemed off unless he thought it was aimed at him. So even if it's him being a selfish jerk he's still giving me the space I need. That's a positive I guess. I'm feeling super emotionally drained right now and I'm wondering if this is a touch of emotional hang over.

[wayfarer]

H just asked if I’m ok with him pushing the move out date to May or June....