Hi, Blu. I’ve been reading here since my H’s BD in June and just recently started posting in the MLC board. I’ve been following your sitch, and your posts have been really helpful to me as I’ve begun to understand my H as a nice guy who has always devoted himself to making the women in his life (friends, mom, me) happy, but not himself. Until BD, I didn’t realize he was doing this to such an extent; I really believed he was mostly happy. Now he seems to be riding high on his new life with no responsibilities to anyone but himself and is planning to file for D in the new year—well, he seems to think he is having the time of his life, but to me he often seems angry and unhappy. In your posts to May, you also reiterated to her that she isn’t wholly responsible for a SSM. I really needed to read that too. I wanted to thank you for your posts here, and if you have time after the holidays, I would so appreciate any perspective you have on my sitch. I’m thinking I may need to really concentrate on learning how to drop the rope going forward. Merry Christmas, Blu!
Thank you for reaching out to me! I am truly flattered that you have so much confidence in me! I also take that responsibility seriously and will think carefully before replying. I fear I am somewhat limited in my understanding of walkaways, because my own H was completely wayward. I get the sense from reading stories here that waywards are more likely to return to the M. The infidelity can feel like a bigger betrayal, however their fantasy of building a new life with someone else is more likely to self destruct than if they have been planning to leave on their own for some time. So in my sitch, my H was chasing something else more so than running away from something, which is perhaps why he fell so hard.
So I will get to your threads soon. The holidays are a busy time and I also work more in the winter months. But I will start reading today.
I am also so thrilled to see Dilly posted an update! I look forward to reading that too. Welcome back, Dilly, we’ve missed you! Hugs!
Merry holidays, friends! I hope everyone can take some moments of joy for themselves. I recall a very painful holiday season after BD 5 years ago. So I want to offer you all comfort and hope. Things can and will get better, you just have to believe. Happiness is not ever handed to us, it is something we learn to create. Give a small gift of happiness to yourself, even if only for a small moment between the sadness.
Peace and love.
Cheers! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I believe I am overdue for an update! I apologize I have not gotten to your threads. I have not been good about keeping up with threads and only check here occasionally, so I tend to mostly read the ones I have previously started. I also find myself triggered by reading here and want to be mindful of what I post or how I react. After I read, I try and step away and reflect on how things affect me and why, rather than just dish out more advice. There has also been some conflict arising in some threads, and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I don't want to create space for that in my life, and especially with strangers. I will try my best to not engage and be mindful of what I post, but I really do not like reading negativity from others.
My sitch is coming up on 5 years since my H ended his A and did a rather quick 180. I don't think about OW or the A much anymore, because it doesn't serve me. He did everything he could do to be remorseful, transparent and commit to piecing. I try and look forward now because the wounds do heal in time. My H is a very nice man, father and provider. He is warm, present and I believe honest. My irritations with him are not deal breakers and more so imperfections -- I would like him to discipline the kids more, plan more things for us and for our family, and I think he needs to GAL for himself, rather than solely be present for us. I think he has a way of putting others first, and not himself, and perhaps many years ago that attributed to his resentment towards me, which preceded the A and BD.
At times I feel there is something missing between us, but I also know I keep my guard up. It is also difficult not to compare our connection to pre-BD days. We get along okay most days and I think we do a good job of balancing work, household duties and the kids' activities. Our kids have a lot of activities, so many evenings are consumed by driving them around. I think it is wonderful for them, but it also takes away from family dinners or time that we should be spending together. When we do spend time together, even nice time, it is still not the same level of closeness we shared for many years before BD. I still don't know how to best create that. We went on a date recently, got in an argument, and I just raged at him. It's like this anger bubbles to the surface and I wonder why it is still there and so strong.
I know cognitively I have to work on building a stronger connection between us, but I also lack a basic desire or motivation. I also find myself annoyed at him about little things. He says I expect him to be perfect. I don't know how true that is, but I do feel myself irritated about things that seem unreasonable to be upset about. It is hard to have to frequently talk myself out of it. Not sure that makes sense. ... I also need to be better at self care. It is easy to fall back into old habits. I have been spending time reading a good book and less time reading here, which I think is good for me. I also have an awesome trip recently with my BFF and that always feeds my soul. I don't put a lot of energy into building closeness with H, but again, I can't seem to find that desire.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks for sharing your update and where you are. I was wondering as I read your thread-- do you think that some of the things you're noticing now (the irritations) were always there, and you just notice them more because this process has caused you (maybe you both) to be so much more focused on the R, maybe especially sensitive to the potentially negative things? Do you think there might be some level of rosy glasses on the pre-BD days? I know I fall prey to that.
I have a suggestion for you (to take or leave, and maybe you've done it already)-- I've read in a number of places the value of doing something new together, something where you take a risk, where you feel the adrenaline and endorphins and share that experience together. I wonder if getting out of your regular groove and doing something crazy and silly and physical on your next date could be healing for you and help to rebuild that connection. Like roller coasters, amusement parks, learning a new language, scuba diving, ropes course... I don't know. Just something that gets you both out of your comfort zone.
God, I need to spend more time reading a good book and less time reading here! Maybe that will be my next GAL move.
Thinking of you as always.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May, thank you for weighing in. Yes, I agree with all of your points. I appreciate you highlighting them the way that you did. I will continue to think about them.
I do think some of my irritations with him have always been there, and perhaps I now feel more entitled to express them, and also I know he listens to me now. In the past, I feel he would brush things under the rug, and just do as I asked, and then I was the more "controlling" one in our M. He allowed for that, instead of standing up to me, and that built further resentment. I think he was building resentment towards me for many years and I was oblivious because he often presented as the Nice Guy, Mr fix it, Mr wonderful H and dad. So now I have the challenge of understanding the difference between a trigger and what points I just disagree with him on.
Yes, I am the most guilty of wearing rosy-glasses. We stayed in that "honey moon phase" for far too many years. I almost had him on a pedestal. People would even complement us on how cute or in love we were and I put a lot of energy into our R. Perhaps I had this idea of who he was and how I wanted to see him. And he frequently reinforced those ideas by being so nice, warm and accommodating. Friends and family loved him and could always rely on him to help out or drive kids around, etc. He wouldn't disagree or put up resistance to things. A lot of posters use terms here quite loosely, including the Mr Nice Guy term, but in all the men I have met in my life, my H fits the description completely. Again, what I didn't see was that he was suffocating and building resentment. I think I also was critical and controlling and the bad guy in our R, but in hind sight I think I was also frustrated that he didn't stand up for himself and was losing respect for him, as I saw him as a door mat at times.
I really like your idea of building something new together. We have tried at times, but not with enough dedication, and so nothing sticks. I also need to prioritize the time with him, and not pour all of our time into the kids. I guess where I am stuck now is finding that desire/motivation, and if I can't find it, I just need to make the decision and do it. I think I also grapple with being the person who has to bring this forward and pitch the ideas. He will most likely agree and go along with it (that is still very much who he is), but I somehow hold onto hope that he will be a leader and have the wherewithal to plan something for us.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I do think some of my irritations with him have always been there, and perhaps I now feel more entitled to express them, and also I know he listens to me now. In the past, I feel he would brush things under the rug, and just do as I asked, and then I was the more "controlling" one in our M. He allowed for that....
Yes, I am the most guilty of wearing rosy-glasses. We stayed in that "honey moon phase" for far too many years. I almost had him on a pedestal. People would even complement us on how cute or in love we were and I put a lot of energy into our R. Perhaps I had this idea of who he was and how I wanted to see him. And he frequently reinforced those ideas by being so nice, warm and accommodating. Friends and family loved him and could always rely on him to help out or drive kids around, etc. He wouldn't disagree or put up resistance to things. A lot of posters use terms here quite loosely, including the Mr Nice Guy term, but in all the men I have met in my life, my H fits the description completely. Again, what I didn't see was that he was suffocating and building resentment. I think I also was critical and controlling and the bad guy in our R, but in hind sight.....
Honestly this made me tear up reading this. The difference is my H wasn't ever accommodating. But when I would ask him what's going on he'd always brush it under the rug, or pick fights about nothing and when I'd ask what it was really about he looked at me like I was nuts. We also were in that honeymoon phase for way too long. I had him on a pedestal. People said the same thing about us. And I dumped everything I had left in me after the emotional spending of my mental health issues, my grief over my mom, and running the world, into loving him and not one ounce was left for myself. I thought I was special and he deserved all I had left because of what he said to me and what felt like deep felt actions. But now looking back at it my H until this whole mess just slowly left more and more and more responsibility up to me until I started to crack and under the weight of grief and depression and running the house, our family, and our relationship. I got incredibly critical, and exasperated, and started to get more controlling because I had no other choice and was drowning. What I hadn't realized until all this happened was he was drowning too. He was depressed too.
