Riding the Wave 2

[wayfarer]

Omg this is just quote of the day! I’m killing myself laughing (into a G&T I stopped by to have in a bar on my own on the way home from IC , so that I don’t get home until 7pm and H might wonder where I’ve been . )

Unfortunately because of the Midwest US and UK time difference I'm not having that G&T with you. But trust me if I could pull the old it's 5 o'clock somewhere I would. The newest chapter in my saga of the wayward husband is he hasn't said a word to me in since his completely random Sunday night text fest.

I know the vets say LBSs don't ever want to be in the heads of the WS. But I really would like to see it, but less in the sense of a "what women/men want" movie where I'm hearing it in real time and more in like a dramady/sitcom form where it's narrated to me in a light hearted comedic way to offset the intensity and seriousness of it. I'm just saying, I think hearing Nick Offerman say "And when he awoke the next day he realized that he literally has no idea what he wants." H jumps off of couch. "And because he has no idea how to deal with that he's decided the best course of action is to pretend literally everything that happened the last 2 days never happened. Yes, that will fix how he's feeling. Denial" H puts pants(trousers) on. "He will contact OW that will further erase all that doubt. Because nothing says I'm not confused like texting your mistress while packing yourself a lunch of the dinner your wife made." H types furiously on smart phone. Sets phone down on counter and pack himself a lunch excited about the left overs of his favorite pasta dish his wife made. H smiles at the tupperware. H's phone buzzes and he smiles at phone. Nick Offerman says, "And once again he thinks all is right with the world and he has everything figured out. But little does he know he has absolutely nothing figured out...."

I swear to god I'm going to write a memoir or start doing stand up after this disaster.

[may22]

OMG ladies, a lot to catch up on!! I missed you!

Up until that point he made it pretty clear I was either a cloven foot animal or basically his sister or some kind of minotaur with boobs.

I agree with Wooba, this is the best. Ever. I snort laughed when I read that.

I feel totally behind so will just comment on a few things... first, you guys both sound GREAT. Happy and laughing and I wish we could all meet up for a drink and could trash our sorry Hs together. WF, Nick Offerman is the perfect choice and I can hear him reading those lines. Get oceangirl to use her Hollywood connections and you have a winner on your hands!!

Second, I also have done the flirty texts back and forth from one bedroom to another. Ridiculous but kind of fun. And you guys know my theory on this-- if it serves you and you're doing it for you, have at it. I also think keeping him slightly off base is helpful. I don't think you want to be consistently available/flirty whenever he gets it in his head he wants that... OK to flash that side when you feel it but don't let him get comfortable there.

Finally, WF, you sound strong and balanced. I love that you're so OK with whatever happens-- he moves out, he moves out. Part of the process that needs to happen with your sitch and you're so cool about it. I totally envy that!

xx May

[Yail]

No not a memoir - a screenplay. Clearly you've chosen the right narrator! I think you've got the beginnings of some solid and important stage directions written in there, so that's my vote on medium.

I considered doing some (local) improv recently now that I'm largely post-sitch. It's amazing the fear we lose as we meander forward! If I had to have a favorite part - that's it. The immense shedding of fear.

[wooba]

Maybe even a musical?? The husband breaks into song about all his justifications of x behavior. With elements of an alternative reality like “Isn’t It Romantic” with Rebel Wilson.

Or screw the Hs we can have our own Wine Country movie.

[wayfarer]

OMG I love that movie!!! I wish it was easier to connect IRL I feel so close to you ladies I think a long weekend together would be amazing

[cardinal]

Oh, you guys are the best! Thanks for adding some laughs to my night. I’ve been stuck in a funk (wonder why!), and now I’m feeling lighter. I plugged in a lamp to an outlet a few minutes ago, and it sparked and smoked for a second (!), but no lights went out. I thought I should mention it to H next time I see him in case he plugs in something and is similarly surprised, but, nah, let him discover that on his own, if it happens again. I’ll imagine Nick Offerman narrating that scene...

[oceangrl]

I feel totally behind so will just comment on a few things... first, you guys both sound GREAT. Happy and laughing and I wish we could all meet up for a drink and could trash our sorry Hs together. WF, Nick Offerman is the perfect choice and I can hear him reading those lines. Get oceangirl to use her Hollywood connections and you have a winner on your hands!!

Seriously, why aren't we writing some sort of first wives club type movie?! I can get on that train!!!!

And what is this seduction book people are talking about? How did I miss this?

Wayfarer you are a reminder to me to not forget my sense of humor. We definitely can't lose that in the middle of all of this

[wayfarer]

So a bit of journaling update. H neither spoke or texted me a single word Monday and almost all day Tuesday after the aforementioned groping & texting incidents over the weekend. Which a part of me knew that would happen. Whenever he allows himself to get just a little too close to me he has a guilt spiral over OW which the irony, my god, but I do understand it. I've been there.

It's a crappy feeling to have literally no idea where your loyalty lies. You want to lean into the AP because obviously your spouse is a problem and AP is not a problem, ever, they are magic and rainbows and unicorns. But when spouse acts like they used to, and treats you like they used to, and makes you laugh like they used to, and looks at you like they used to it gets hard to think about AP and all the glitter they offer in those moments, so you lean in to the warmth of the familiar. From there it becomes a genuine struggle to try to suss out if leaning in to the MR is really a violation to the relationship with the AP since it's the "right" R, and it's the older R of the two, and technically AP has known all along what the deal is and was.

But anyway, I digress into my past life and far more empathy than H probably deserves, it being a Tuesday yesterday, I had assumed he wouldn't be home when I got home. That he'd roll in from date night with OW some time after 11pm as usual. He was very much home when I got home from my work out class. He came to talk to me immediately when I walked in the door. And for the first time in 8 weeks he was home all night on a Tuesday night. He folded laundry with me since I had to put it off this week. We watched a movie as a family. He cleaned up the kitchen after dinner. Packed both of us a lunch. Took out the garbage and recycling. He didn't even have his phone out that much. He fell asleep on the couch before 9:30pm. Lovely for our girls to see him home. I had thought it would be lovely for me too. Nope. I ended up taking a triple dose of my anxiety medication throughout the night last night because of this. I took one when I came home and he was still there. I took one when he showered thinking he's going to make me watch him leave in front of these kids. And then the last one at 8:30 when he was still sitting on the couch watching the movie and not making any moves to leave for a quicky with OW like I've seen him do mid week before. I had a really hard time falling asleep. I'm going to bring this up with my IC obviously. But I for life of me can't figure out why it put me into that level of a panic last night. I don't know if it's because I've grown accustomed to our completely insane schedule and he crapped all over my expectations. Or if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I have no idea what that shoe is. I hate how on edge his good behavior makes me. But I'm starting to realize that most of it is because I constantly think that any good behavior is transactional behavior. That he's only doing something remotely human to either pay for something I didn't know happened or something he's about to do.

Finally, WF, you sound strong and balanced. I love that you're so OK with whatever happens-- he moves out, he moves out. Part of the process that needs to happen with your sitch and you're so cool about it. I totally envy that!

xx May

As you can see May, I'm no where near balanced. Strong, yes. But balanced not even close. But when it comes to the moving out thing, I am very at peace with it.

I know I'll be a disaster the day H actually leaves. Well probably the night when I'm alone in bed and crying. But I can't help but think about the power dynamics of our relationship right now. We are working with barely 1200 sq ft. so even in an IHS separation which we are half-a$$ing at best we are on top of each other constantly. And as much as he's engaging with me now he holds nearly all the power. Not because I'm lying in wait for his crumbs, it's because I can't effectively put boundaries in place because he walks through them. The only ones I've actually been able to enforce have been the closure of the muffin shop and kicking him to the couch. (which in his WS addled brain in the recent fight tried to tell me he chose to sleep there**hard eyeroll**) I can't limit my contact the way I'd like to because if I ignore his texts he'll follow me around the house when I get home. I can't make him wonder what I'm doing out because he's not only stalking my insta and snap stories if he's not out with OW (and sometimes even when he is) he's sitting up waiting for me to get home. I have so little power in our dynamic any more. The second he walks out that door, all that changes.

Not only does the power dynamic change, but it also ends my cooking, my cleaning, my 1/2 of the parenting for his daughter on the day to day stuff (i.e. buying her feminine products, making sure she's taking a coat with her, making sure she's not wearing a crop top to grandma's house, etc), my buying necessities for the household, me reminding him about things, me fixing his messes, me helping him talk through work issues, financial issues, family issues. All of that becomes the burden of him and OW. The fact is it's impossible for him to see our relationship for what it really was if we stay like this. It's impossible for him to see who I really was/am if we stay like this. Their sad little love bubble will never burst if he can't pursue his relationship with her fully. If he stays it will just end up as another nonsensical reason for resenting me. That some how our marriage and me specifically got in the way of his chance at real happiness or true love or his soul mate or whatever it is this week. If we ever reconcile that's not a hurdle I want to add to the dozens of hurdles we'd have to navigate already.

And the princess who has no kids and has never been married will not understand the weight and reality of navigating this until it's put in practice. She has no idea how hard her road is. She has no idea how people are going to look at her, or treat her. Or how terrible she'll feel when I'm not sad, or cruel, or cold to her. That despite all of his flaws and misgivings if she pits herself against either kid he will pick the kids over her. Not me. But the kids for sure. He's done it relationships before and I have no doubt, fog or not, that he'll do it again. She doesn't understand that neither of the kids will ever look at her as a person they can like or trust. They are far too old for this to be the kind of thing that'll just smooth out with time. D15 is about to be D16. And D 17 will be my D18 in fall. They aren't cute and little, they aren't babies, or easily adaptable any more. She doesn't know how attached he is to me.That he only has a handful of friends, and I'm one of them, and he's in no way ready to let that go. That not only is the bio mother of his child going to always be looming in their R but so will I.This is heavy situation she's walking into and has no idea how heavy. And if ran books, I'd say the odds are pretty good that once this little life of theirs is a reality and no longer a fantasy the weight of it is going to be the demise of their R.

I don't see any way out of the limbo we're finally truly in unless he leaves and chases this fantasy of his. He has to leave to miss me, value me, to miss our MR and to see the value of our MR. Or at the very least he has to go for me to continue on my journey of remembering who I was and finding her without his influence. I can neither win him back or move on with my life with him looming ever present in my house. He needs to go so we can heal individually, and maybe someday together.

I had posed a scenario where even if he lies awake the night before the move thinking it's a mistake he still would go. And I maintain that that's what would happen. But if in some strange twist of fate he changed his mind and didn't want to leave some time between today and move out day, I don't know that I would let him stay. He forced me into preparing for his departure in April, and if he wanted to try and we had to start M 2.0 I have a hard time seeing a path for us where we start from scratch in the same house.

[wayfarer]

Well last night was fun for me. Just as a reminder before I rant. I had no intention on bringing in the entire Midwest on this situation but due to my WH's lack of propriety and weird need to date his OW openly and be super obvious about it on social media here we are. He some where along the way here went very Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy with declaring our marriage over. He seems to think because he feels it and said it to me, that it some how makes it true. I don't know.

Yesterday I was kindly informed by a friend that I am not angry enough at my H's out right disrespect therefore I mustn't respect myself (sigh). That I need to learn when a person is toxic and to let go (ok that had a little merit to it). Holding on because I'm scared of being alone isn't a good enough reason to hold on to a cheating husband. (that's never been a reason this entire time, but ok) That I deserve better than him and this and someone needs to tell me (because you know no one, not one person has said that at all this entire time, eye roll, my WH has even said this btw). That it's really sad that I'm accepting of the fact that the whole 2 friends of his that will still speak to me and "my" friends are taking a very Switzerland stance to the whole ordeal. (umm ok) That she is a better person and friend than they are. And that she's really sorry that H doesn't have any friends with as strong of a moral back bone as her to tell him what he is doing wrong (she at this point essentially alluded to an intervention of sorts). Mind you we were out for an early dinner. Like the whole place could hear this because she was so upset. I wanted to crawl in a hole.

The whole interaction was very strange. It went from how I was doing. And how concerned her H is about me. To her H running into one of two above said friends and how they wouldn't talk about my sitch with him. And when I kinda shrugged that off I was berated with the above. She was one of the 3 people I've been confiding in purposely since the very early days of this, and had been nothing but supportive of me up until last night.

I tried to let her know that the Switzerland stance is just not that big a deal. I don't want people picking sides. No one knows what's going to happen here in 3, 6, 9, 12 months down the road. Our metro area is mid-sized but most people end up bumping into each other at some point. That we all have to live with H and OW living their lives at some point here. Or in the off chance H sees the light in the next year or so what happens if H and I, R? Do we really need the hurdles of people playing team wf vs team wf's wayward husband? I then explained detachment. And how I can't just be mad or weeping 24/7. That H isn't getting a free pass. I'm just not invested in making his life a living h3ll. Nor am I interested in fighting constantly about the ways in which I'm being mistreated. I talked about the things that I am actually afraid of and that none of which are being alone. I'm actually kinda looking forward to that. And that fear isn't keeping me here. Love is. Unfortunately that's what has me tethered. I got a rather large actual real life eye roll and sigh. And then was told she'll 'stay in her lane' from now on but that I really need to know that I can do better than my H and frankly all the crappy people I apparently have in my life.

I knew I'd eventually have to defend my standing. I know how terrible this situation looks to outsiders. I understand I look like doormat or an idiot to people just trying to be zen about my dumpster fire of a life right now. I even knew that my sanity would be questioned when I'd tell people I'm ok with him going, but I do still love him very much. What I didn't anticipate was the fact that I'd have to defend my non-stance on whole other adults having a non-stance on MY mess. I didn't think I have to explain to another adult that what they think I'm thinking and feeling isn't what I'm thinking and feeling. I didn't anticipate people making my tragedy about them I guess.

On a positive note I did do my best run to date late last night, although I am a little curious as to why she had me more fired up than when WH leaves to go see OW....

[may22]

Hey WF,

(((HUGS)))

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. That $ucks and I completely empathize with you. I guess the only thing I can say is that (hopefully) she is saying this out of genuine love and caring for you, just unable to disconnect her own biases from how she can support you right now. I loved how you earlier compared people saying they would do XYZ if their H had a PA to people saying "when I'm a parent I'll never let my kid do XYZ" and then there they are years later with their monsters glued to iPads or whatever. And I was judgy before I had kids and now I just have so much empathy for those parents doing the best they can. So I'm hoping you can not worry too much about what she's saying.

And as much as he's engaging with me now he holds nearly all the power. Not because I'm lying in wait for his crumbs, it's because I can't effectively put boundaries in place because he walks through them. The only ones I've actually been able to enforce have been the closure of the muffin shop and kicking him to the couch. (which in his WS addled brain in the recent fight tried to tell me he chose to sleep there**hard eyeroll**) I can't limit my contact the way I'd like to because if I ignore his texts he'll follow me around the house when I get home. I can't make him wonder what I'm doing out because he's not only stalking my insta and snap stories if he's not out with OW (and sometimes even when he is) he's sitting up waiting for me to get home. I have so little power in our dynamic any more. The second he walks out that door, all that changes.

I just want to challenge this a bit. I *do* think you have clearly defined boundaries and are enforcing them. No, it isn't traditional like you outlined later on... all the things he loses when he MO... but clearly you have set some emotional boundaries and it honestly seems like they're effective. I think you hold a lot more power in the R than you think you do. The fact that he's stalking you on Insta even when he's with OW? i think you are incredibly strong, sister, and even if he gets to see you every day and eat your delicious meals and fold laundry with you-- there is that essential piece that he isn't getting of you that he'll never get until he recommits to the MR.

Patience? Continued DB? I'm sorry that it is all so anxiety-inducing for you. It definitely seems like the closer he draws the harder it is getting. I don't know what to think about that except for you've outlined a really clear way that works as a path for healing for you and the potential for R in the future, and it involves him leaving and you going NC. So as he draws closer it actually makes you feel like your solution is getting further away and what then???? Is that maybe a bit how you're feeling?

Just like I'm trying to focus on dismantling my fantasy R scenario and focusing it on what I need for me and how I want/need to feel, I wonder if you can similarly look at your scenario where he moves out and pull out of that not the transformation that he* needs or the disaster *he* needs to encounter before he's ready to return to the MR, but what it all means for YOU. And are there ways you can continue to move in your journey towards healing, whether he is in your house or out of it?

And if you truly don't see a way forward with him in your house? You either gotta buckle down and $uck it up till April, or advance the deadline... but I know that is difficult for a lot of good reasons. Hugs, WF. You're super strong and a truly amazing woman. You got this, whatever happens. I know you do.