You asked me to clarify :He said he would go out tonight if its the one thing I need to move on from him. He knows its a deal breaker. He isn't looking for anyone... he just doesn't want me.
He meant he will go out and screw someone tonight if that is what I need from him to move on.
There is no way that any of us can foresee the future and anything can happen between now and a divorce. He thinks the grass is greener over on the other side of the fence. He thinks that by moving closer to work that everything will be roses and cupcakes...but he's not thinking about what it is going to cost to start over (again), i.e., the cooking, cleaning, laundry and the list goes on. He will have all of his own bills and you will not be there to support him emotionally, physically or financially.
This is true.
But the commute is such a huge burden on him right now. Its killing him... literally.
He had a fun weekend out with old friends. He said he never laughed so hard. He doesn't have anything like that with me here... nothing.
He said in his head initially he wanted S. We get it legalized and we spend time apart and heal. And, he would look at things between us. I agreed to the S but asked if we could be adults and not see/sleep with other people? I was asking if there were boundaries? THAT MADE HIM ANGRY - he saw that as my controlling nature kicking in and NOW that was off the table.
Right now it he wants a D. He wants a clean break. He says if there are no ties he will not hate me and he won't block my number. We could be friends. I could call if I needed help.
He said I was a goddess but at some point that changed. He is not sure where. He apologized for some his contributions. He is numb and won't give the opportunity. Why trust me with another promise for it to only be good for 2 weeks? He said never again. He wants me to find happiness with someone else. That would make him happy.
He wanted to feel more than a paycheck and along drive. While I handled all the paperwork and finances. I went on and on about how we are a team... yet I was the worst team player. He just wanted more involvement in the finances and in the last few years it was just me telling him what was happening. I thought the motorcycle and the boat would appease him... make him happy and they did for awhile. He should have been able to decide for himself if we could afford the bike. It shouldn't have been me.
He is numb. He knows that he never wants to risk me not being the person I know that I used to be with him.
Right now you can't believe anything he says. Nothing. Everything he says it's for effect. Or has a purpose. An agenda.
I asked you before, do you really want to be married to someone that only loves you thin and if he can spend limitlessly? If you lose weight, let him but anything he wants, after a few years you'd be the one walking away.
KC this is your second go around. You should be much better at DBing then this. You should spend some GAL time reading the book again. In my sitches I became a knowledge sponge. I was reading 2-3 books a month. You can do this. What didn't kill is makes us stronger.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’ve been watching your story unfold and I have to be honest with you, not to hurt you, but to help prepare you. Your H is already having an affair. All the signs are there. And I’ve been on this forum long enough to see these how these things unfold, almost identically to other people’s sitches.
You must detach. You have to take your focus on H, and start protecting not only your finances etc, but your heart.
Ps... I’ve also seen quite a few posters here reconcile with their spouse after an affair. So if an affair isn’t a deal breaker for you, listen to the vets and follow their advice.
Right now you can't believe anything he says. Nothing. Everything he says it's for effect. Or has a purpose. An agenda.
What's his agenda?
He is done. He has spent years driving to a home where he has felt unloved. He has been spending time with friends and enjoying every minute of it. He has no joy here. He feels we can't even make a simple trip an hour away without arguing.
I pushed him out the door. Why did I act jealous??? He is not having an A. He has been faithful but he feels he has been married to a bully.
Now he is being the bully -- he stated when it was first in his head he just wanted Separation to figure things out, now he wants divorce. Cut and dry. He states he will be working next weekend but after that will be gone all weekend. He is looking to still be here until the divorce or separation is finalized.
He said if I leave him alone - don't go snooping, be respectful and I don't screw him over then he will happily come over and help me paint the whole house and even help me move out and help S18 move to college.
I asked if the respect would go both ways... he said trust me. I won't be calling you. I will leave you alone. I will not be doing any booty calls. You need to heal and move on.
This all came down to 1) not showing him enough affection, 2) my actions in doing work on back yard didn't show I was ever going to leave, 3) I don't listen to him... its true, he has been after met to do X,Y,Z and suddenly I'm on board with getting it down. I pictured getting the yard done up nice... When we were talking to the fence people about options he seemed like he was changing his mind so I just said we can have dirt brought in... that led to more landscaping and he is like A - I cut him off and B - more money is being spent.
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I asked you before, do you really want to be married to someone that only loves you thin and if he can spend limitlessly? If you lose weight, let him but anything he wants, after a few years you'd be the one walking away.
That's the anger. If I was giving him the affection he wanted the 28lb wouldn't mattter. If I wasn't so controlling with the money... If I wasn't so controlling in general. He feels like a prisoner.
If I could be the woman he married... but he is determined I cannot ever be... I cannot change and he will not allow himself the disappointment of one more lost promise.
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KC this is your second go around. You should be much better at DBing then this. You should spend some GAL time reading the book again. In my sitches I became a knowledge sponge. I was reading 2-3 books a month. You can do this. What didn't kill is makes us stronger.
You are right... I should be WAY better at this... Why am I not???? I read tons of books last time. Maybe the part of me that knows him so well knows that he is past the point of no return??? We've been on this hard path but last time he didn't say a word to his parents. He has now told them. Maybe I know he cannot be DB a second time?
There are lots of success stories here... I was one of them but I failed to keep my marriage going...
His goal is to be out of the house in 30-60 days??? But, then he states he won't leave until a separation agreement or divorce agreement is final, but I believe in this state there is a 6mo cooling off period between separation and divorce. This is where I get confused by what he says but frankly he is confused by what he says. He is sleep deprived.
I can't believe that he tells me that I was a goddess... he has never called me that before. I wish he would have. I now think of all those things in my head that I should have been saying to him... I was looking forward to motorcycle riding with him and fishing on the boat...
Now if I say - hey, I found some sweet back roads to take with the bike to this lovely restaurant with home made pan fried chicken. It sounds contrite and a ploy to get him to stay rather than say I was looking forward to continuing this life venture with you.
I have nothing figured out... I sat at the table all teary eyed as he made his demands. I tried to validate and I tried to make it about he was feeling and not me but not so good at the last part.
He is driving to work feeling vindicated that he was right all along - she finally realizes what she has lost after all this time.
He is leaving for work and I tell him this is not what I want... he says he knows.
PLEASE - how can I get him to see that Goddess that is still inside of me???
PLEASE - how can I get him to see that Goddess that is still inside of me???
Be the goddess for YOU, not for him. Find her inside and feed and nourish her. What do you do that makes you feel like the goddess inside? Find one thing and do it! Then another, and another. But do it for you, not so he can see it. I think that is the key.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
PLEASE - how can I get him to see that Goddess that is still inside of me???
Be the goddess for YOU, not for him. Find her inside and feed and nourish her. What do you do that makes you feel like the goddess inside? Find one thing and do it! Then another, and another. But do it for you, not so he can see it. I think that is the key.
Yeah, I know that deep down.
He never called me a goddess before... I mean not that I am one now... but wow... he thought I was a goddess.
I'm the same person... goddess and all... maybe few more layers.
I guess this falls into one of those categories of done is done?
I've mastered the dont call dont text... guess I need to master saying hello in the morning with a smile and not wait to see how he responds. When he leaves if I am here I need to wish him a fun night.
I need to stop asking questions. He will tell me when the appt is and I will contact atty for at least a free consult.
He knows what I want... I will not keep asking in alternative formats.
