Riding the Wave 2

[wayfarer]

Hey Wooba,

I saw this and smiled so wide.

LOL. You crack me up. I’m telling you.....I’m way past the “show him you best and leave him wondering what you’re up to” kind of DBing. I don’t give two sh1ts about what he thinks of me now. Some days I like to be pretty, some days I just don’t care. But once in awhile I will be petty and wear something I know is irresistible to him but he can’t do anything. Like our last episode. He was talking D but I knew he was checking me out. In the end he couldn’t help it but to hug me by my waist from behind. In return, I handed him a bag of trash to take out on his way out.

I'm a snarky word I can say on here with out getting censored so when that comes across on here, I really do feel like I'm close to you guys. And I refuse to do the best version of me with every interaction thing. Absolutely refuse. It's been decided that our home is going to MY home. And I will not be a display item in my home 24/7. I've been sick twice through this. I've been hung over a lot more than that. And I'm sorry but he's seen me after surgery and before, during and after physical intimacy. Screw that. I'm not pretending all of that didn't happen. I'm going to wear sweat pants and no make up and my hair is going to be it's crazy self. 80% of me looking good around him is being petty. And that you feel the same way, that's how I know you're my people

It sounds like you had an amazing day! I get nervous just watching the ax throwing thing on video. What if someone accidentally drops the ax before throwing it out?? I can’t imagine how much liability insurance those kinds of places have.

And yup, I do not feel bad one bit for your H’s food poisoning. He’ll live!!

He did live and and wondering if it's fortunate or unfortunate considering I'm still the beneficiary on his policy...lol.

As far as the ax throwing, part of the reason the axes tend to bounce back is because they aren't any where near as sharp as you would think. They aren't like about to split a 1/2 cord of wood sharp. Or like camping hatchet sharp. They are more like a pioneer who just split a cord of wood and can't find his whetstone sharp. Also because of the shape they tend to fall heavy side of the head first so more likely broken toe than missing toe. The liability thing. No clue what those ax places are paying and like I said where I live it also comes in a drinking environment so I'm guessing pretty high. But the rage room guy and I had a nice chat while the girls were going. He has $2 million in liability with 2 rage rooms running. And lot of rules. 1 person per room at a time. You have to go in in full gear. He uses painters jumpsuits, like a breathable and disposable head sock situation for your exposed head and neck, a full face clear protective visor, and work gloves, and you have to go in in closed toed shoes. That one is an ax throwing rule too. But in comparison bouncy houses have to have $1 million in liability so I have no idea what an appropriate range actually is.

I really hope you had an all over decent weekend wooba

[wayfarer]

So after the ridiculously long R talk on Saturday things have only gotten more strange. H started texting me like a lot. Even for him. A lot. He was out with OW that night and was texting me. Granted it was about the kids, and making sure I got home safe. But still that's new.

Part of our R convo I brought up something Kristin G and I had talked about where I've been withholding things. like memes, shows, movies, songs,etc. that I thought he'd like because I didn't feel like he was my friend any more and frankly that he didn't deserve them. He was actually kinda hurt by that so I offered to let him have one thing every other day, if he deserves it, wink, wink. Seriously this seduction game crap is really awful and I didn't know that we'd ever be at a point where I thought I'd need to play it. Nor did I think this flirty BS would have any effect on him whatsoever. I also really just didn't want to do it. Keeping him on the line is way more work than a nearly 37 year old married person should have to do...lol.

Saturday was just a lot for me so yesterday I basically ignored him. I sent him nothing, I didn't say much in person. I laid in my bed without saying good night. So what does he do, he sent me a funny meme, and we texted each other funny flirty BS while he was laying on the couch and I was laying in our (my) bed for over an hour. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here. Frankly I don't know wth I'm doing. I don't know if I'm supposed to lean into this. Or pull away. If this is going to blow up in my face or if this is what he's looking for. Lord knows this is what I'm looking for, I missed this. And I'm sorry, and I know it's childish, but if he's laying there texting me he isn't laying there rapid fire texting her. And I know I shouldn't be competing with her. But that type A is hard to break even in this situation. Muffin shop is still closed until further notice this isn't enough to pry that door open again. But I do like feeling like I have at least a little pull in the relationship again vs him doing the pulling or us existing in our separate corners at all times. I just don't want to make things worse and I have no idea how to gauge that.

[Pommy99]

Lol Wayfarer your posts crack me up! I’m sure if I was a guy I would adore you for your sense of humour!! That’s what I love about my R with H, in the face of all this adversity, we can still crack jokes through the tears, and laugh about the mess we are in.

I have no words of wisdom how you handle the current sitch. I feel like I am a complete failure at the DBing, however, while you have a little control , to keep hold of it, I would say back off a little now, if he texts, don’t reply straight away, act flirty but without coming on to him. And yes totally agree about keeping the shop closed!

[KristinG]

Hey May,
I think the path thing definitely has some merit to it. But it got a little contentious when I said he picked the path with her because it’s just easier. He said that he didn’t feel that way. That picking me would’ve been easier because of the comfort factor and less people hurt. And then I explained why I felt the way I did. That everything with her is new and shiny and it’s all possibilities. It also has no depth or breadth so it’s just figure it out and hope for the best. Staying with me means work. Digging deep and therapy. And probably a marriage retreat. And apologies to a number of people. Starting from scratch with this baggage like an albatross until we start making some serious progress. All things he hates. Emotional work, open communication and complicated situations to navigate.

You never know what the AP and H are talking about either. I have had this convo what feels like 100 times with WW. Her AP felt that staying with me would be the easiest choice because we have a comfortable life together and I'm more financially stable. At one point, it almost felt like WW was choosing the more difficult journey just to prove she could do it (ego?). She has never needed me or the financial stability but for whatever reason the "path" controversy in her head made her feel as though she needed to prove it. H may have seemed contentious because of the same reasons (or variations of the same). All you can do while he's going back and forth thinking all of it through is work on your own sanity and peace of mind. Listen, don't grasp onto anything he says, and work on becoming the best WF for WF.

You're in for a long ride with H figuring out what he wants out of life, but either outcome, you've got this!

KG

[wayfarer]

You never know what the AP and H are talking about either. I have had this convo what feels like 100 times with WW. Her AP felt that staying with me would be the easiest choice because we have a comfortable life together and I'm more financially stable. At one point, it almost felt like WW was choosing the more difficult journey just to prove she could do it (ego?). She has never needed me or the financial stability but for whatever reason the "path" controversy in her head made her feel as though she needed to prove it. H may have seemed contentious because of the same reasons (or variations of the same). All you can do while he's going back and forth thinking all of it through is work on your own sanity and peace of mind. Listen, don't grasp onto anything he says, and work on becoming the best WF for WF.

You're in for a long ride with H figuring out what he wants out of life, but either outcome, you've got this!

KG

You're right, I have no idea what they are talking about unless he let's me in. Or he does some stupid stuff around the girls and they immediately spill the beans. But he said OW was the more difficult route because they were both with other people. Totally not DBing and not validating at all I just laughed and said are you serious right now? You picked her BECAUSE she was with someone else. It gave both of you geniuses an easy out at any time. Then when you two decided to just keep going down the rabbit hole together you decided to wholly reject me and our marriage only after she dumped her BF. She made the decision for you.Please tell me how that was the harder route? He stared at me for a bit and pushed me on why I thought him being with me was the harder route for him to move on. The worst part of all these R talks on top of each other is it makes it so painfully obvious to me how well I know him and how I don't know if he ever really knew me at all.

He is on this I have to move out and she's probably moving in in June thing not because of pride or ego necessarily. It's out of stubbornness or maybe even ignorance. I don't know. He's the type that when he makes a decision he's there. That's it. If it fails it fails. He'll deal with the fall out later. Doesn't matter if he has a bad feeling. Doesn't matter if people tell him it's a horrible idea. Even though he is nearing 40 will not learn from thinking things through or people having lived through what ever it is and giving him advice. He has to make the mistake and learn it himself. It's why giving him the time and space for this mess has been easy. It's why I keep saying he'll go, and I'm ok with it. He will go. And I don't know if he'll learn in a month or 2 or 2 years.It's just who he is. And given where he's at 6 weeks from move out he will walk the line between me and her for the next 6 weeks and who knows how long after until reality slaps him directly in the face.

[wayfarer]

Lol Wayfarer your posts crack me up! I’m sure if I was a guy I would adore you for your sense of humour!! That’s what I love about my R with H, in the face of all this adversity, we can still crack jokes through the tears, and laugh about the mess we are in.

I have no words of wisdom how you handle the current sitch. I feel like I am a complete failure at the DBing, however, while you have a little control , to keep hold of it, I would say back off a little now, if he texts, don’t reply straight away, act flirty but without coming on to him. And yes totally agree about keeping the shop closed!

Pommy my dear, you've had a rough couple of days. And you aren't a total puddle of emotional goo on the floor (even if you did fall apart for a little bit). I'd say that's pretty successful DBing.

We have both made a lot of jokes but only recently since he started acting more like himself again and gave me room to let my guard down a bit. Humor has been the center of our relationship even when we were just friends. We have a very similar sense of humor. It makes this mess all the easier when I feel like I'm losing my whole life, or my mind.

I'm thinking about you Pommy. I hope you know that.

[wooba]

I'm going to wear sweat pants and no make up and my hair is going to be it's crazy self. 80% of me looking good around him is being petty. And that you feel the same way, that's how I know you're my people

How else are we gonna have some fun with our dear Hs? I will be mature and not be vengeful, but I WILL be petty. Lol!!

Part of our R convo I brought up something Kristin G and I had talked about where I've been withholding things. like memes, shows, movies, songs,etc. that I thought he'd like because I didn't feel like he was my friend any more and frankly that he didn't deserve them. He was actually kinda hurt by that so I offered to let him have one thing every other day, if he deserves it, wink, wink.

He was hurt by THAT?? Wth. This is just weird. Of course he doesn’t deserve your friendliness. But you do what you do because you’re in control of it. Don’t give in to his pity party though. Your H sounds like he still has a lot of growing up to do.

Wayfarer, one thing I absolutely love about you is your humor. Your H probably misses that too. And that’s nothing a meme/video could replace. And I agree with you that I hate playing the game too. But one thing I also realized through all this is that it’s all part of human nature. You don’t want get too comfortable and you don’t want H to get too comfortable. Not that you have to go all in and do the whole seduction crap, but sometimes just little things to keep the prize far away enough might be the key (not talking about just sex here). And sometimes you gotta dangle the prize right in front of them as a reminder. In this case, is the kind of enjoyment he gets only when he’s with you.

[wayfarer]

He was hurt by THAT?? Wth. This is just weird. Of course he doesn’t deserve your friendliness. But you do what you do because you’re in control of it. Don’t give in to his pity party though. Your H sounds like he still has a lot of growing up to do.

He is an enormous people pleaser. When I say he wants everyone to like him and find him entertaining and engaging I'm not kidding. A huge part of the reason he picked me years ago and was able to be with me as long as he had vs. what he normal went for is while I didn't mind stroking his ego I absolutely refused to gas him up when he didn't deserve it. When he wasn't funny I'd say it. When he was rude I'd say it. When he was thoughtless or unkind I'd say it. Even in the early days. He is a funny, intelligent, kind guy, most of the time. But he has the capability (clearly given our circumstances) to be hopelessly self involved and self indulgent. He can make jokes at other peoples expense and because 10 other people are laughing that 1 person, the butt of the joke, their feelings aren't considered. He lives his life on social media because he lives for those likes. He will sometimes do kind things so he can post about it. He likes getting claps for being a good dad and will fake the good dad thing on social media so he can feel like he is being an amazing dad when's he's being a sh1t one. A lot of the conversations we've had since all of this started has circled around how he is never good enough for me and he doesn't think he ever will be. I'm not a nagger by nature. The nature of our relationship has always been if that's what you want to do, do it. You're an adult. But my disappointment in him is/was felt by him like a child when a parent is disappointed. He is one of the most insecure people I've ever met in my life. The idea that I was so hurt by what he's done that not only did I go entire weeks here or there without even speaking to him, that I was willing to sacrifice our friendship and kept things away from him I know he'd like just because I felt he didn't deserve it was an enormous blow not only to his ego but a slap in the face of how badly he really had hurt me. He didn't want to hear that. He didn't want to know that. And yeah, he does, he has a lot of growing up to do. It's why so many people thought I was good for him. He had no choice but to be a grown up around me. I wouldn't tolerate any less. Until I had no choice in the matter any more.

Wayfarer, one thing I absolutely love about you is your humor. Your H probably misses that too. And that’s nothing a meme/video could replace. And I agree with you that I hate playing the game too. But one thing I also realized through all this is that it’s all part of human nature. You don’t want get too comfortable and you don’t want H to get too comfortable. Not that you have to go all in and do the whole seduction crap, but sometimes just little things to keep the prize far away enough might be the key (not talking about just sex here). And sometimes you gotta dangle the prize right in front of them as a reminder. In this case, is the kind of enjoyment he gets only when he’s with you.

That's where I'm at at this point. R2C got my wheels turning about the seduction things when H made a comment about my body for the first time. That was the first time I realized H's fog was lifting just enough that he could see me as attractive. Up until that point he made it pretty clear I was either a cloven foot animal or basically his sister or some kind of minotaur with boobs.So I started reading up on seduction. Like you said, wooba, I plan to dangle that carrot. He wants to flirt. I'm going to flirt. He wants to ignore me that's fine too. I got other things to do. As long as this is filling a need for me I'll lean in a little. But only enough to keep me off tinder for the time being

[Ready2Change]

R2C got my wheels turning about the seduction things when H made a comment about my body for the first time. That was the first time I realized H's fog was lifting just enough that he could see me as attractive. Up until that point he made it pretty clear I was either a cloven foot animal or basically his sister or some kind of minotaur with boobs.So I started reading up on seduction. Like you said, wooba, I plan to dangle that carrot. He wants to flirt. I'm going to flirt. He wants to ignore me that's fine too. I got other things to do. As long as this is filling a need for me I'll lean in a little. But only enough to keep me off tinder for the time being

Another key is to have fun with it. There are so many levels to being seductive. I need to re-read the book. It has been a long time. So many counter-intuitive skills one can learn and apply to their sitch.

[Pommy99]

Up until that point he made it pretty clear I was either a cloven foot animal or basically his sister or some kind of minotaur with boobs

Omg this is just quote of the day! I’m killing myself laughing (into a G&T I stopped by to have in a bar on my own on the way home from IC , so that I don’t get home until 7pm and H might wonder where I’ve been . )