Ok here it is, time for the background and get a good place to journal, since I can't seem to do it on my own and I need a place to keep track of stuff so I know what the heck the plan is, what is working, what isn't working, and to get some objectivity since I waffle alot.
It's later. Things are good, H is treating me like a wife he wants to be with again, instead of a convenient roomie.
More back ground info
I consider myself situationally LD. I've been HD before, and LD in a somewhat cyclic nature. I suspect it's linked to my manic depressive cycles. I had/have an extreme case of post partum depression, which I consider mildly, borderline psychotic. Thankfully, I've recovered mostly and managed not to complety trash my children, my life and my marriage during the worst of it.
I have several things contributing to my LD state, which is NOT normal for me, even though it's been the norm for the past several years.
I'd have to say that the current #1 contributing factor is my weight. I ate myself up to an extra 100#. The extra pounds definitly make it harder to reach orgasm, harder to feel sexy, makes fewer positions viable, the exra fat gets in the way of stimulation, need more for less result. I fatigue more easily, and stuff hurts that shouldn't, and even if things are going well sometimes I have to stop because my body just can't take the stress.
#2 Factor is stress. Sadly we have much to be stressed over. Unemployment for a year now, moving back in with my mother, less privacy, creating maintaining enforcing parent/grandmother boundries, melding 2 households, putting away repacking 600+ boxes that currently eat up living space, 21 year old male cousin recently sentanced to 12+ years of prison due to sexually molesting my S5, extra supervision and boundry training for S5 to repair as much damage as possible and keep him safe, S12 possible ADD or Depression (most likely just symptomatic reaction to current upheavals and my depression) but in eather case needs more structure as well as healthy cutting of a few apron strings, 2nd teen S14 special needs, has traumatic brain injury and is having a rough time with puberty, impulse control, anxiety, anger, appropriate boundries and thus needs as much supervision as my S5 to keep him safe and keep others safe from him. S14 on meds and weekly therapy, family monthly. Much extra parenting helping him close the gaps that he doesn't naturally get, helping him learn constructive coping skills, better people skills. Thank goodness my children are bright, happy, thriving, like each other, cooperative, teachable, genuinly fun pleasant people.
#3 Time, not enough spent with H connecting, unfocused, no goals, ambiguous, H in school, time not terribly well spent, fairly decent quantity, not enough quality, lots spent on getting home habitable (boxes out of way, finding homes for stuff) too much stuff, getting attic space cleared for storage, company coming this week. Parenting responsibilities. procrastination.
#4 Depression. Huge factor. Hard to feel loved sometimes, easy to feel pointless worthless and invisible. Hard to feel sexy and attractive. Hard to have any motivation. Tiny progress for gigantic effort. Little pay off.
#5 Marital problems, trust issues, unfilled love tankes, miscommunication, no communication.
This is my summary, I am addressing various factors. Next time I will write what I'm doing to deal with things in my control, figuring out what isn't in my control, what I can influence though not control.
It helps to write it all down and make it somewhat coherant.
Things are good, H is treating me like a wife he wants to be with again, instead of a convenient roomie.