You know, and no offense to the men on this board..... men have a hard time dealing with many spinning wheels , especially ones with turmoil. He seems to have a lot of that going on. Men lead with logic and women lead with emotion. Right now he can only logically handle the stuff happening with his family and work.
Thanks Ginger. I am a master mult-tasker and I forget sometimes that not everyone is. Not taking it personally. Gonna keep myself busy this weekend. My kids are bugging me to have a sleepover tonight with their friends so I’m going to say okay and make them happy. I swear they have sleepovers almost every weekend they are home. None at their dad’s of course as he doesn’t live in the neighbourhood. I was hoping to do something outside with them today but it has been really, really rainy and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. So it is indoor fun for us today!! (((HUGS))) to all!!
someone who talks about a universal plan and feeling a strong connection to me.
Just an alternative viewpoint on this. Sure, maybe he’s just a sappy romantic - if so, he’ll step up to the plate soon and make plans with you.
BUT - there are other kinds of guys who come on super strong like this, and then don’t follow through. My ex, a narcissist, came on strong like this in the beginning then began backing off once he “had” me. Sociopaths do this too. Con men do it.
Who usually DOESN'T do it? A confident emotionally mature man who knows that relationships are about more than nostalgia and infatuation.
Just step back and observe his ACTIONS not his WORDS.
Buddy called me this morning on his way to Brook’s town to let me know that he was reffing a bunch of basketball games today... tournament involving Brook’s youngest daughter’s team. So Brook is super busy today watching his daughter and scouting the competition since these kids will all be in his league next year. I haven’t heard from him. No idea why he doesn’t just text me and say “can’t get together this weekend...too busy with basketball and work”. I’d be totally fine with that. He’s suggested we get together a number of times and it hasn’t worked out for various reasons. But I try to figure out a way to make it work one time and no response. I really don’t get men but I am definitely not making any more meet up suggestions. I’m going to double down on my pool practice and do what Ginger suggests and let him come to me...if that even happens. Maybe his “everything happens at the perfect time” means he is waiting for us to bump into each other on the street...lol. Ah well... I guess we’ll see. Great to talk to Buddy. I told him he and I have to get together soon with his girlfriend so she knows I’m not some woman after her man. I could use some more girlfriends anyway and I don’t think she knows too many people here. Hopefully we hit it off.
I’m going to take a stab at this. I think he might be feeling pressured and feels bad turning you down so he doesn’t want to say “no, I’m busy again” if it is meant to be, it will be. And I surely have learned in life nothing forced or perfectly orchestrated is meant to be. I’m living proof
I’m going to take a stab at this. I think he might be feeling pressured and feels bad turning you down so he doesn’t want to say “no, I’m busy again”
Funny, I was not going to bother commenting but was thinking exactly this. ^^^^^^^^^^ while reading your post - then I saw ginger post my same thought. I know he sort of fed into this whole fairy tail narrative you've developed but when it gets real it can get overwhelming pretty quickly which in turn becomes pressure building. It’s a lot to live up to and a lot to risk failing. No one is soooooo busy they can’t find an hour or two to meet within a months time or for sure a few minutes to send a text. If so, they clearly don’t have time to date. All of this is not accidental. That’s not to say he’s not interested to some degree - just likely overwhelmed with the expectations that have been built. It was all a sweet fantasy but now it’s butting up against reality - a reality that could tank the fantasy.
When looked at this way, is it not much clearer why he may be backing off a bit?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thanks all. Yep...looking at it that way, I get it. Although he didn’t just sort of feed into my narrative...he actually started it with his “something inside told me I was supposed to message you” and “something is happening between us...there is definitely a connection” and “I’m excited to see where it goes.” That was all him. I’ve not said anything like that other than to say that it feels like I know him even thought I know, objectively, that I don’t.
He told me once basketball is over, his load lightens quite a bit so maybe that is when he sees us getting together. I had mostly just thought he was talking about his coaching duties but in hindsight, I realize he was also referring to his parenting duties and supporting his younger daughter. Taking that into consideration, I totally get his lack of availability since I know he is working a 12-hour shift starting at 7:00 p.m. tonight and then two more after that.
Still...it does only take a couple minutes to reply to an invitation with a “thanks but no thanks” and not doing that, to me, is actually kind of rude. And I do get that not everybody has the same texting rules that I do but to me, it’s just common courtesy. If I know you well enough that you have my phone number, I am going to respond to you if you text me...even if it is to say that I don’t have time to talk or whatever. But maybe that’s just me.
Anyway...what I have noticed is that the less I text him, the more he texts me and vice versa so I’m going to completely reduce the “pressure” and go radio silent until he contacts me...assuming he does. If he doesn’t, it’s definitely his loss.
Off to practice some pool... worlds are in 6 weeks!!! (((HUGS)))
Could not agree more with KML, Ginger and Don. I don’t buy it that he is too busy to meet somehow, someway for a beer or a coffee or a quick walk. There is some reason he does not want to meet. What that is? Who knows yet.
That said, backing off and watching his actions will reveal much. In addition to what KML, Ginger and Don mention in regards to reasons why he is MIA, you could have a classic distancer on your hands. And if you do find that is the case, I would run for the hills because that dynamic is horrible. While it is normal to have some chase in the beginning, it’s exhausting if it’s on a 24/7 loop.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Texted with Buddy tonight for three hours...lol. Gonna have to meet his girlfriend soon before he gets into trouble so she knows ours is a brother-sister kind of relationship. So great to have him back in my life. I don’t know why we lost touch in the first place. Weird how fast the years can go by.
So Buddy says Brook was at the gym all day today... mostly sitting alone but sometimes with one or both daughters. His ex-wife was there too. Not sitting with him but watching their daughter play. It wasn’t like the other tournament that I was at where the stands were filled. If I had been there today, it would have been super obvious that I was there to see him. So...in that context... I get why he was avoiding answering my question about getting together today. Didn’t want to risk me offering to come watch basketball (because I love it so much) and having to come up with a reason why not. That’s my suspicion anyway.
Still...I don’t know why he wouldn’t just tell me. Buddy says boys are just dumb. Not only that, this radio silence is kinda rude, tbh. You can bet that when he finally texts me, he’ll be waiting awhile for my reply.
Well...it is 8:45 on Sunday night so almost three full days since I have heard anything from Brook. Honestly...this is just so bizarre to me. Did I really scare him off by suggesting we meet for coffee?? Was it how I suggested it? I just don’t get it. We went from having a great conversation on Thursday night that HE initiated and a “talk to you tomorrow” to NOTHING...radio silence. He has been so thoughtful and polite up until now. I am at a loss and TBH, kinda irritated. Objectively I know that we are not actually “dating” yet but we have been consistently talking almost every day for three weeks. If he has changed his mind about the universal plan and all that, do I not at least deserve a heads up of some kind?
Well...at least Buddy is back in my life. His take...similar to Don...thinks he’ s overwhelmed and/or scared... he also says that most people keep there phone pretty nearby so there is really no good excuse for not returning a text in a timely manner...even if it is to say “no thanks”. He and I are pretty like-minded individuals which is why we get along so well...lol.
So my question is this... When he does eventually contact me, and I can’t believe he won’t...that would just be too strange. So... assuming I hear from him (can’t imagine what he will say) what do I do?
1. Do I wait a day to respond? To me that would be super obvious as anyone who knows me at all knows that I get back to people pretty quickly. So my thought is that I should text back that I can’t talk right now and will contact him later...and then make sure it is much later.
2. And, when I do finally respond, do I
A) Pretend that I didn’t even notice or care that he was MIA for three (or four or five...who knows?) days, have our usual great conversation and then just stop initiating any conversations or suggesting meet-ups from here on out?
Or
B) Tell him I’m confused about the radio silence and ask him what that was about? Assuming he even knows??
TBH...I’m kinda leaning towards telling him I don’t have time to talk and then A. I think maybe B might be more appropriate if we were in a relationship. Certainly I know the texting etiquette between friends is a lot looser than texting between potential love interests. i.e If I texted a friend and they got back to me five days later (assuming it wasn’t a question that needed a rapid response), I wouldn’t think anything of it. However, if they asked me if I was free to do something, I would probably give them an answer one way or another. So have I been suddenly friend zoned?
Anyway...he is working graveyards tonight and tomorrow so not really expecting he will get in touch tonight...especially if it is a busy shift. Maybe tomorrow afternoon sometime or even Tuesday when he has finished his last shift. Just wanted people’s opinions as I’m feeling a bit out of my element and a little blindsided by this new development.
