Happy 2020 everyone! I thought about starting a new thread in the Newcomers section, but then realized that it's been 3.5 years since BD and in a lot of ways I've graduated out of the Newcomers. Actually, today marks the 2-year anniversary of my W moving out of our house.
My life has transformed in many ways since then, and yet the hurt and the anger are still very fresh. Yes, certain things dull with time. I no longer close my eyes and see my ex in bed with someone else like I did for the first year. Frankly, I don't even remember what our intimate relationship was like when we were together. Sometimes it feels like an entire section of my life has been scooped out of existence. I have digital photo frame that is linked to my google photos account and when a random pic pops up I immediately try to determine if it was taken pre or post BD. This inevitably leads me to thinking about how eventually the amount of time passed since BD will eclipse the amount of time that we were together. Even now it feels like we were only married for a month instead of 10 years.
It would be easy to shake off these thoughts if we didn't share kids. But as it is I still have to deal with her on a regular basis. The holidays were particularly tough. I picked my kids up at her house on Christmas around 2pm, but before we left OM showed up. He had already been there in the morning for gift exchange but came back. At one point he started to make small talk with me and jokingly made a comment about how my kids have it good because now they get to go to my house and have another Christmas with more presents. I found this comment to be in particularly poor taste for obvious reasons, but I didn't call him on it.
My life has two modes: With kids and without kids. When they're with me I am in single parent mode. Grateful to have them, but sometimes resentful that I have no one to help me with them. When they're not with me I'm in bachelor mode. Missing my kids but happy to have my freedom.
Occasionally I tip my toes in the dating pool but I always get scared off. Either I'm not ready or I just haven't met the right person. Other times I find myself missing my ex tremendously and fantasizing about all the things I could have done differently when we were married. Although I doubt any of it would have helped.
I really wish I had some insight, especially for the people who are just discovering this forum and are in the middle of their trauma. There's a lot of good advice on these forums and some of it requires a very high level of courage to follow. Courage that I didn't have at the time and that I'm still developing all these years later.
So I guess the hardest part for me now is trying to determine where I'm "at" emotionally and being ok with not knowing...
Last edited by job; 01/07/2011:39 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Chris I just wanted to say your not alone. You can do what you want but I would link your digital photo frame to only more recent pictures with you and the children. I still have all my pictures pre-divorce but they are saved on an external hard drive for my D13 when she is older if she would like to look at them. The guessing at things like was that before or after BD will eat you alive. As far as OM goes next time you can politely let him know you are not really interested in small talk with him. Love to hear from you about some of the things you do as a single dad when you have the children. How are your children handling the whole thing if you don't mind me asking. My D13 is having a really hard time but we are only a little over 4 months after the divorce.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Occasionally I tip my toes in the dating pool but I always get scared off. Either I'm not ready or I just haven't met the right person. Other times I find myself missing my ex tremendously and fantasizing about all the things I could have done differently when we were married. Although I doubt any of it would have helped. <snip> So I guess the hardest part for me now is trying to determine where I'm "at" emotionally and being ok with not knowing...
Welcome to the "far shore". I'm not familiar with your story but it does seem that you are an aware person.
A dear friend of mine once told me that she'd know that I had moved on when I was defined by what is in front of me rather than what was behind. It's excellent advice. There's undoubtedly no huge rush to get back in to the dating pool. Take the time to figure out who YOU are and what YOU want in your life first. Many find that they are perfectly fine being single.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Welcome Chris. There’s a good group over here. We’re all in various stages of rebuilding and we’re a happy, hopeful lot as there is lots to be hopeful about. Hope you stick around. (((HUGS)))
Thanks to all for the warm welcome... and the admin who linked my previous post
I just took a walk down memory lane by re-reading my first post in that series from the summer of 2017. So much has changed since then. If there's one thing I'm proud of from that time it's the stance I took with regard to our home. W kept suggesting that I move out and I kept refusing. I told her, "Please understand that I do NOT want you to leave. I want you to stay. But also understand that I will NOT be leaving." Eventually she conceded and agreed to selling me her portion of the house. I really don't think she wanted to continue living there anyway.
Originally Posted by rooskers
I still have all my pictures pre-divorce but they are saved on an external hard drive for my D13 when she is older if she would like to look at them.
Yes, I've already started separating things. If you're like me and have tens of thousands of photos to sift through it takes a while. There are lots of photos of my kids when they were young that I don't want to archive, but I'm building a new album of favorites... sans XW
Originally Posted by rooskers
As far as OM goes next time you can politely let him know you are not really interested in small talk with him.
You're right. Those confrontations are stressful but sometimes need to happen. A friend of mine asked me yesterday why I even go in to her house when I pick up my kids. It's a good question. OM doesn't actually live there and sometimes my kids want me to come in to show me something. But I think I might take that advice and wait outside.
Originally Posted by rooskers
Love to hear from you about some of the things you do as a single dad when you have the children. How are your children handling the whole thing if you don't mind me asking. My D13 is having a really hard time but we are only a little over 4 months after the divorce.
Single dad life is very challenging for me and for my kids too. There are so many issues we deal with that just never come up with intact families. So far both my kids seem to be handling things well. Their grades haven't suffered and I haven't noticed any behavior changes that aren't typical for their ages.
My D8 talks about the divorce very matter-of-factly, without indicating any blame or playing favorites, as if it was just something that happened and we all move on from. Although occasionally she tells me that she wishes we were still married. My S11 is definitely more guarded. I've tried to get him to open up about things, but his favorite phrase is, "It's fine."
My kids and I do a lot of things together. Sometimes we'll get their friends or other family members involved, but a lot of times we're a trio. Theme parks, vacations, dinners, outdoor excursions, game night, etc. Frankly, it's hard being the only one responsible for everything and not being able to "hand off" to the other parent. The alternative to this is for me to start up a new relationship, preferably with a woman who has kids my age, but that doesn't seem right for me. I don't think I'd be happy in a relationship that is primarily based on convenience.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
A dear friend of mine once told me that she'd know that I had moved on when I was defined by what is in front of me rather than what was behind. It's excellent advice.
I have definitely made some moves towards this, but I still find myself hung up on being angry and bitter. Forgiveness is something I'm working towards because ultimately it will make ME feel better. But I think hanging on to my pain is comforting in a way and the idea of letting all that go is kind of scary.
How do you all handle this? Is detachment and forgiveness something that just gets easier as time passes?
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
How do you all handle this? Is detachment and forgiveness something that just gets easier as time passes?
Chris,
At first, my anger helped propel me through a lot of the difficult stuff. My anger made no room fro depression. As strange as it may sound, I'm very thankful for my anger during hardest parts of my separation and divorce. For the most part I channeled the anger for constructive purposes, but I had occasional missteps. For myself, I think time has been the biggest factor that has allowed me to let go of a lot of the anger. However, I was relatively detached after our separation and forgiveness has not been something that I've been actively trying to achieve. I look back at my divorce as something bad that happened in my life and I learned a lot from it, and I intend to do as much as I possibly can to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past. And, there was a lot of good that came from my marriage, particularly my two sons.
I believe it is a combination of time + shift in perspective. Forgiveness is bandied about like it's a major thing to strive for, but I have come to see it as something happens organically when you put in the grind for your internal work.
Putting in practices to love yourself and forgive yourself first leads to love and forgiveness for others. Check out this amazing podcast interview with Kamal Ravikant on the Aubrey Marcus podcast. Deals with the exact question at hand.
Here is how I practice forgiveness. I look back at the mistakes in my marriage and remind myself that I did the absolute best I could do with what I knew at that time. I remind myself of all the constraints that I faced in having better knowledge and how I would use the wisdom that I have now to not make the same mistakes.
However, this is only half of the equation. If I can be compassionate and gentle with myself and say that I did the best that I could with what I had and knew, then I have to offer the same perspective for what exW did and is continuing to do. Without extension of that same empathy, your forgiveness pattern is incomplete.
Now do this over a period of time and you will experience more self-love and detachment. This has to be a regular practice and it's never over. Time alone will not allow for that mindset shift. You have to put in the work. Go listen to that podcast episode. It is incredible IMHO.
