Stranger In My House

[may22]

Hi HesAble,

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and totally get how hard this all must be. I would offer a few thoughts/suggestions for you to take or leave:

-- For me, the wondering is harder than the knowing. Can you put yourself in the situation of him basically being gone all the time? Would that be better or worse?

-- I think you had mentioned an IC appointment this week... dealing with the cons above, he/she may have some suggestions for you to help deal with your anxiety when he is out. I just feel like THAT is a big part of the issue-- how you can manage your anxiety whether he is in the house or not. If it is going to be significantly easier for you to get that together and detach if he's out of the picture, then that seems like the right choice. If you think you can stop worrying about it no matter where he is, then maybe no need to be the one to make him leave.

-- If you were reading about this exact same sitch on someone else's thread, what would your advice be to them?

-- the kids thing is the big kicker for me and, I think, what is keeping me from booting my H out the door. What would it take for you to be OK with telling them down the line at some point that you feel comfortable with yourself that you did everything you could to give them what they deserve and gave it your best fight? Can you imagine that conversation with your kids in a few years? Or, what would you advise to someone else in your sitch in terms of being able to lose the guilt about not trying hard enough for them? What is the line he cannot cross?

-- just like you have thought through the pros and cons of having him stay despite his behavior, can you think through the pros and cons of asking him to leave? What does that look like once he is out? Can you visualize it? What would be different/better? What would be worse? Sometimes I think really picturing it and thinking through all the ins and outs of how it would work might help take away some of the fear of that option. (I'm working on this too.)

-- what other positive things you can do to take back your power? The IC and seeing a lawyer to figure out your rights both seem terrific. Other things to protect yourself ?

-- if nothing else, can you ask him to stick to some sort of schedule so that you can GAL on your own? Or say to him hey H, can you watch the kids xxx night starting at 7 pm (or whatever)? Have you tried that?

I am definitely of the opinion that these decisions are best made once you can clear some of the emotion out of it. I know it is super hard and easier said than done. My H called me today to go over schedules and is tentatively planning his next trip to the AP's city in mid-Feb. He knows this is going to be a watershed for me, as in he's probably moving to the basement when he gets back from it unless I can be convinced she's out of the picture by then (unlikely)... and yet in the same conversation put dates on my calendar for friends to visit in April who "are probably staying in the basement." I get it and feel all those same emotions and anxieties you're dealing with, the struggle to be sure you're living up to your own values and doing the right things by the kids when he's just NOT, how do you take back power and respect without booting his a$$ to the curb. But, the last thing you want is to regret the decisions you're making now once your head is clearer.

Hang in there.

[HesAble]

Thanks, may22. You raise some very good and thought-provoking questions. My big kicker is the kids too and I am trying super hard to put them at the forefront of my decision-making even though H is not, but some days doing this is harder than others. I pray, try to be hopeful and then he never fails in finding a way to chip away at my hope daily.

In terms of pros and cons of asking him to leave. Well, the biggest con is the guilt/regret I would likely feel having suggested that he leave when it was not his idea (he thinks we could divorce and he continue living in the basement - idiot!); this goes back to the kids. Another con would be finances; although I would like to think that he would provide some financial support to the kids, it would not be in the same amount he contributes now. Next con would be having to tell family and friends about the separation which would make it even more real and painful. A pro would be not feeling anxious about each time he leaves home, not knowing if he will be back in 1 hour, 10 hours or 24 hours. Another pro would be feeling like I took some power and control back; dealing with all this disrespect is starting to make me feel like a doormat.

I do think I need to ask him to commit to watch the kids on x night starting at x time for sure.

I am thinking about the other questions. Thanks for helping me switch my perspective. I am so emotional. Today I am just fed up, annoyed and tired of coming home to H's BS.

[cardinal]

Hi, HesAble. I know this anxiety well, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it. On our end, it is so difficult to go from wife to platonic roommate, as you say, pretty much overnight. I know I'm not alone in cycling through extreme sadness, anger, hurt, etc. in trying to adjust to that on my end. It has been seven months for me now since BD, and that feels like a lot of time and no time at all. Over that time, I've been able to slowly detach from his erratic schedule. A work in progress. Slowly I have been able to become more and more of a neutral observer of H's comings and goings, and my anxiety has lessened, which is not to say it is never there; it just used to be a lot more overwhelming. I believe this can happen for you too.

Is it possible to observe your feelings without acting on them? To vent here, to talk to your IC about these feelings and about ways to manage the anxiety when it comes? I ask these questions with your pros in mind:

A pro would be not feeling anxious about each time he leaves home, not knowing if he will be back in 1 hour, 10 hours or 24 hours. Another pro would be feeling like I took some power and control back; dealing with all this disrespect is starting to make me feel like a doormat.

Could both of these pros be achieved on your own, regardless of H's absence or presence? Could working on managing your anxiety and recentering the focus on you and your children, rather than alien H, in fact help you feel you are taking some power and control back?

[HesAble]

Cardinal, thank you. You are so right - I could work on trying to achieve the pros in my current circumstances. It has only been a little over 2 months since BD for me and it feels like an eternity. I feel like it is hard to focus on GAL when alien H is constantly distracting me with his nonsense.

Also part of me wants to get revenge and telling him he can no longer do what he planned (stay in the basement) would give me some satisfaction. Well, only temporarily so this is stupid thinking, I know. It's just that he seems to be oblivious to the pain and damage he is causing. I want him to feel some consequences NOW.

I am inspired by your 7 months. I will try to hang in there. Thanks for your encouragement.

[wayfarer]

We are just shy of 2 months since bomb drop and he says he wants to move but not until April. I can't tell you how relieving it was that he picked a date to go. Trust me. I want my husband. Well not this one but one kinda like the old one. And my marriage. Also not this one. But I'm so much more stable and able to deal with his BS when he's gone. Honestly him disappearing for hours upon hours is a relief to me at this point. It's hearing those keys in the door that causes my anxiety to rise. Same thing like last night. Home, being helpful dad and pleasant roommate. That's what makes my blood pressure rise and forces me to act positive and calm to cover all the garbage in my head. I think about an OM everyday. Granted in my situation there is a very evident OW. But I know it will solve nothing except maybe the serious lack of friction in my sheets since all this started, which was about a month before BD.

You need to start planning how you'd survive with out him. Things you need to do if he weren't there. If the income wasn't there. Granted you'd get a separation order for sure to help you out. The best thing I've done for myself is act AS IF he's leaving and never coming back. I won't be solvent when he says he's ready to go. But I'm working on being able to cover that gap if he does go and won't help. Making moves to survive his exit is a time and mind suck. It is definitely focusing on you and the kids. And if you get to the point where you have to be the bad guy for your mental health and emotional well being and tell him he's gotta go or you will at least you'll be ready and have teeth behind that threat.

[AnotherStander]

I am starting to wonder if, for my sanity, it may be best for him to find another place if he needs to continue his erratic, unpredictable schedule for staying out.

Even those of us who didn't want to separate found it a blessing once we did. It's a tough adjustment at first because you do feel very lonely, especially the first time your kids stay with your spouse. But you get used to it and you'll find your stress levels go way down when you're not having to deal with the alien all the time, and when you don't feel like you have to constantly walk on eggshells.

Am I hurting chances for reconciliation by suggesting this to him?

No, at this point the recon chances are so far down the road that there's not much you can do right now to help or hurt them.

[wooba]

Hesable, my H still comes and goes and our house is basically just his storage unit where he puts his stuff at the moment. I had many back and forth feelings about whether to kick him out entirely or keeping the status quote before also. In my situation it was mostly because our kids didn’t know about what’s happening yet and we didn’t want to rock the boat. But I honestly had a lot of fear, like you, that if I asked him to move out, that’d be the end of our M.

Things are different now, unfortunately the kids know. But at the same time I was able to talk to them and explain why daddy is not sleeping here at night. That took a huge weight off my shoulders. As to H still coming and going- either he’s not ready to really leave or he’s cake-eating or whatever...I’m cutting him some slack. I know he’s not enjoying his life that much right now.

I want to point out that just because your H is staying out late, seemingly having the time of his life right now...doesn’t necessarily mean that he is enjoying it. Try to take the focus off of his behavior. Stop looking at the clock and wondering when he’s coming home. I would not even ask him to commit x time to watch the kids if you don’t have to. The whole premise is that he is already irresponsible, and for you to set that expectation for him and yourself doesn’t seem to help the situation. Are you going to be even more resentful if he doesn’t follow through and choose to stay out all night when he agreed to watch the kids? Are you going to use that ammunition to carry out your thoughts of kicking him out?

I ask my H to take out the trash on his way out. That’s about as much I can expect of him right now....lol. I’ve also asked my H to watch the kids regularly at x time and he was keeping his word until he didn’t.

The kids is the tricky part. Before they found out I’ve suggested to my H that we should sit them down and let them know that mommy and daddy are trying to figure things out. But H did not want to. Have your kids ask any questions about daddy’s behavior?

[HesAble]

We are just shy of 2 months since bomb drop and he says he wants to move but not until April. I can't tell you how relieving it was that he picked a date to go. Trust me. I want my husband. Well not this one but one kinda like the old one. And my marriage. Also not this one. But I'm so much more stable and able to deal with his BS when he's gone. Honestly him disappearing for hours upon hours is a relief to me at this point. It's hearing those keys in the door that causes my anxiety to rise. Same thing like last night. Home, being helpful dad and pleasant roommate. That's what makes my blood pressure rise and forces me to act positive and calm to cover all the garbage in my head. I think about an OM everyday. Granted in my situation there is a very evident OW. But I know it will solve nothing except maybe the serious lack of friction in my sheets since all this started, which was about a month before BD.

You need to start planning how you'd survive with out him. Things you need to do if he weren't there. If the income wasn't there. Granted you'd get a separation order for sure to help you out. The best thing I've done for myself is act AS IF he's leaving and never coming back. I won't be solvent when he says he's ready to go. But I'm working on being able to cover that gap if he does go and won't help. Making moves to survive his exit is a time and mind suck. It is definitely focusing on you and the kids. And if you get to the point where you have to be the bad guy for your mental health and emotional well being and tell him he's gotta go or you will at least you'll be ready and have teeth behind that threat.

Yes, an OM comes to my mind daily but I know finding one would simply add to our problems.

I am trying to prepare financially for his exit - putting away some money in an emergency fund each paycheck. I also need to come up with a budget plan for doing things solo - some expenses will need to be reduced.

[HesAble]

Am I hurting chances for reconciliation by suggesting this to him?

No, at this point the recon chances are so far down the road that there's not much you can do right now to help or hurt them.

This is the most disheartening part of this nightmare - that the end is so uncertain and, even if there is a possibility of recon, it is likely far away. It helps knowing that things will get a little less intense emotionally though. What gets me most is how H can show me glimpses of his old self on some days and then, without notice, shift right back into his angry alien mode.

[HesAble]

Hesable, my H still comes and goes and our house is basically just his storage unit where he puts his stuff at the moment. I had many back and forth feelings about whether to kick him out entirely or keeping the status quote before also. In my situation it was mostly because our kids didn’t know about what’s happening yet and we didn’t want to rock the boat. But I honestly had a lot of fear, like you, that if I asked him to move out, that’d be the end of our M.

Things are different now, unfortunately the kids know. But at the same time I was able to talk to them and explain why daddy is not sleeping here at night. That took a huge weight off my shoulders. As to H still coming and going- either he’s not ready to really leave or he’s cake-eating or whatever...I’m cutting him some slack. I know he’s not enjoying his life that much right now.

I want to point out that just because your H is staying out late, seemingly having the time of his life right now...doesn’t necessarily mean that he is enjoying it. Try to take the focus off of his behavior. Stop looking at the clock and wondering when he’s coming home. I would not even ask him to commit x time to watch the kids if you don’t have to. The whole premise is that he is already irresponsible, and for you to set that expectation for him and yourself doesn’t seem to help the situation. Are you going to be even more resentful if he doesn’t follow through and choose to stay out all night when he agreed to watch the kids? Are you going to use that ammunition to carry out your thoughts of kicking him out?

I ask my H to take out the trash on his way out. That’s about as much I can expect of him right now....lol. I’ve also asked my H to watch the kids regularly at x time and he was keeping his word until he didn’t.

The kids is the tricky part. Before they found out I’ve suggested to my H that we should sit them down and let them know that mommy and daddy are trying to figure things out. But H did not want to. Have your kids ask any questions about daddy’s behavior?

My kids know something is odd but only the younger child has been asking questions like "Where's dad?" I refuse to lie so I tell the truth: a simple "I don't know." I think my son who is older observes and internalizes a lot, but is not asking questions because he is trying to put things together himself without asking. This is just his introverted personality.

I think you are right about lowering expectations for getting help with kids and chores. He didn't help much even pre-BD so what makes me think he will step up in this state? If I don't lower expectations, I am just setting myself up for more anger and frustration. I need no expectations in this area and if he does do something on his own, then great. He has been helping some with the kids and I appreciate it, but there are times he stays out and texts that he won't be around to help that morning or evening because he won't be at home (sometimes there is no text warning, just a no-show).