Can anyone tell by my last post that I am driving myself insane wanting to FIX this which is absolutely impossible for me to do alone? I have decided I should just go to bed early tonight because I have shut myself in the bathroom crying and praying silently so my children cannot hear for the past 15 minutes. H is not at home and I see the usual signs that he likely will not return until morning. I want to scream but have to suffer in silence trying to stay strong for the children. I need to just go to sleep before my emotions cause me to act out of desperation by calling or texting H and saying something completely the opposite of what DB advises.
I need a good swift kick in the pants to get me out of this mood!!!
Last edited by HesAble; 01/03/2002:07 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I know how hard it is, but you can not control your H. At the same time, his choices impact you and your children. Stay strong for your kids and be the best YOU can be. You can do this!
The staying out all night is really starting to affect me more and more. I experience anxiety not knowing which random nights he will stay out then depression when he does. Should I tell him that if he needs to stay out all night 2 and 3 times a week, perhaps being "separated" by living in the basement is not a good idea. I can't kick him out but I can ask him to make a choice. He needs his own place with this lifestyle? Or should I just say nothing and continue watching this nightmare unfold for a certain time period (3-6 months)?
Last edited by HesAble; 01/03/2003:46 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I know how hard it is, but you can not control your H. At the same time, his choices impact you and your children. Stay strong for your kids and be the best YOU can be. You can do this!
W
W, thanks so much for the encouragement. I really need that tonight!
HesAble
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Hi, HesAble. I know it’s hard. I don’t have any easy answers—my H has been coming and going and sometimes not coming home for months now. It’s gotten easier to focus on myself and look forward to the times he’s gone as times when I can relax, but I still feel a twinge when he leaves without saying goodbye. Hang in there. You’re not alone.
You're in an awful situation. Here are a couple of suggestions that you can take or leave:
-- can you pretend to yourself he isn't coming home, so there is no expectation and might help relieve the anxiety of wondering? Just assume he isn't and try not to care or worry about it.
-- are you able to 100% focus on the kids in the time before they go to bed? Find extra fun things to do together that you can plan and just enjoy them?
-- what things can you do for yourself after the kids go to bed that can distract you from wondering if he is coming home or not?
I have also been veeeeeery unproductive at work. Today was the first day in awhile that I had enough meetings and activities to keep me pretty busy and it felt good. Doubling down there might also be a way to keep your mind off of H.
Hang in there!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Hi, HesAble. I know it’s hard. I don’t have any easy answers—my H has been coming and going and sometimes not coming home for months now. It’s gotten easier to focus on myself and look forward to the times he’s gone as times when I can relax, but I still feel a twinge when he leaves without saying goodbye. Hang in there. You’re not alone.
Cardinal, thanks for the encouraging words. I hate when H leaves without saying goodbye too which is more often than not here lately. This too shall pass. You hang in there too.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
You're in an awful situation. Here are a couple of suggestions that you can take or leave:
-- can you pretend to yourself he isn't coming home, so there is no expectation and might help relieve the anxiety of wondering? Just assume he isn't and try not to care or worry about it.
-- are you able to 100% focus on the kids in the time before they go to bed? Find extra fun things to do together that you can plan and just enjoy them?
-- what things can you do for yourself after the kids go to bed that can distract you from wondering if he is coming home or not?
I have also been veeeeeery unproductive at work. Today was the first day in awhile that I had enough meetings and activities to keep me pretty busy and it felt good. Doubling down there might also be a way to keep your mind off of H.
Hang in there!
May22, thank you so much for this advice. I am going to try doing these things because they do sound helpful. I will report back on my progress. You hang in there.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I need to just go to sleep before my emotions cause me to act out of desperation by calling or texting H and saying something completely the opposite of what DB advises.
Your head is mostly in the right place!!! Don’t call, don’t text, don’t ask....
My mood was down earlier too, I do find it helpful to concentrate 110% on the kids when they are around. S10 was looking at his baby pictures today and we laughed together on how chubby of a baby he was. H is missing all these small moments, something he will never get back.
Your head is mostly in the right place!!! Don’t call, don’t text, don’t ask....
My mood was down earlier too, I do find it helpful to concentrate 110% on the kids when they are around. S10 was looking at his baby pictures today and we laughed together on how chubby of a baby he was. H is missing all these small moments, something he will never get back.
You are right. My H is missing out on a lot of things with the kids as well. What bothers me so much though is that apparently he places no value in those family moments. I am not sure he will ever realize what he has missed. Even before DB when things were "going well," he was missing so much because he was seldom at home or with us.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/03/2003:47 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
